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Steve's Familial Adventures

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steve

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if i started my story at the beginning it would start 01/06/53, but you do not want to read all of that, and i do not want to write it.

where my poly understanding started was back in 2001 when a friend introduced us to Is. 4:1 with their view of how it would be lived out in the end times. i had known the verse was there, but i had never studied it. the first thing that i realized was that if polygyny was fine with the Almighty during Old Testament times and also part of the plan for the end times, how could it possibly be wrong to live the lifestyle today? in fact, were not the reasons for participating in the lifestyle just as valid today?

the second thing that i realized was that the offer that the women made to the man about supporting themselves was contrary to the pattern that we see in scripture. unto adam alone is given the curse that he would not eat but by the sweat of his brow. it was not a partnership curse. there were separate curses for the men and the women. so why did the women in Is. 4 volunteer to take on the man's job of supporting themselves? scratching my head on that for awhile, i felt that the Lord showed me the reason was that the man could not support them. why would they choose a man that was not able to support a family, and why would all seven descend upon one man, and why all of a sudden should they feel the need to be attached to a man?

i felt that the Lord showed me the only thing that makes sense; that, first of all, the whole context of the verse is that the kingdom of YHWH is being restored upon the earth, and just as our Creator said that it was not good for adam to be alone, even less was it acceptable that the ones created from what was removed from his body be alone. as they realize the truth that their status is a reproach (was it a women's bible study?), they choose, en masse, to remedy the situation. do they choose an unmarried man? nope, unproven. choose a man in monogamy? unproven in his ability to handle more than one relationship. how about one with two wives? probably not, and still no proof that the three of them could merge with a larger group. very few first and second wives seem to want to complicate their lives further.

so, the understanding i came to is that they chose the best man (and his family) that they could identify; probably one with three or four wives and who had a great reputation that was well known in their area. they chose to support themselves because they could see that he already had his hands full, and they would rather do it that way than split up and go with lesser men. they knew that they could help each other as a team alongside the team that already existed in the marriage.

looking at all of this, i realized what a clan could look like. not that i have a goal in numbers. not at all. my goal is to live out the fantasy that YHWH has for my life be it one wife or more. (ponder that just a bit. our fantasies are never reality, but His are. isn't it much more inviting to contemplate living out His fantasies rather than the potential heaviness of "doing His will"? are they not the same?)

i am sure that it will not come as a surprise to hear that my bible college graduate wife was not quite as on board with the idea as i was. yep, it took about three years for her to get comfortable with the idea. no threats, no hollering, just discussing it off and on and answering her questions to the best of my ability. thank you ali for considering and embracing the concept.

what followed was years of contemplating the idea, reading sites on the internet, joining bib-fam, going to retreats, talking to a couple of ladies, but nothing substantive. we took the phrase from Field of Dreams "if you build it, they will come" and set out to become the best family that we could become. one of ali's prayers was that we would be joined by someone that had been in the same move of the Spirit that we had experienced back in seattle. imagine her surprise when someone that she had known 25 years ago surfaced on the women's chat the week before christmas, 2011.

i had been heading for california with one last load (i am a truck driver) and knew that i was going to miss christmas, but i had asked my wife to get me a round-trip ticket from ontario, ca. i had missed out on the last new year's retreat and was not going to miss out on this one! when my wife told me about meeting up with someone that she had known and what her experience had been, i knew that we needed to bring her to alabama and take her to the retreat with us. she flew down on christmas day and my flight was coming in on wed. afternoon. i never talked to her until monday night, and then, it was only for a "good night" blessing. on tuesday night, we talked a little longer, but, as you can tell, ali had been doing most of the communicating. one thing that is very important to me is that the girls be good friends, and it was such a blessing to see it happening. one of the things that is important to both of us is that our Lord lead in all that we do, and for us to watch it happening was such a thrill. i really did nothing except to facilitate the relationship.

i got home wed. afternoon, and we spent some time chatting that evening while ali was out taking care of some business. it was very pleasant and low-key with neither of us seeing any contraindications.

yes, she does have a name. deborah, the bee that creates sweet honey and pollinates the plants so that they can produce life-sustaining food.

deborah rode down to florida with us, and we all chatted up a storm. at some point in that first 24 hrs, we hit our first speed bump. i was being very open about a friendship that i was in and had quoted something that had been said when deborah called bull-pucky on it. well, as a second child, i tend to be a little gullible. i want to believe what people that i care about tell me. it threw me a little in the midst of all of the "clear sailing" that we had been having. i was a little concerned that she might be having jealousy problems with the other relationship. deborah reacted perfectly to my reluctance, and, having given her opinion, just let it go. we both knew by this time that the Lord was leading us in our relationship, and she chose to trust him and me to get it worked out. meanwhile, being as i said, a little concerned, i was thinking that maybe i was going to have to slow way down. i knew that she was meant for our family, but maybe later as a third wife?

i decided to just put it on the shelf and trust that the Lord would lead us through it. boy was that a good move that saved me from a lot of angst! the Lord provided, at the retreat, confirmation and additional information (without me seeking it) from a friend who is connected to my heart. what a relief that deborah did not press me on it and that i could trust my Lord in getting it sorted out w/out any help from me! those two things went really deep in showing me how this was going to be lived out.

at the retreat, it was low key, but the relationship was building rapidly. we did not spend all of our time together. she reunited with an old friend and spent some time with him. but on friday, she told ali that she was ready for me to take her by the hand and be her husband. she asked me if we could go for a walk that night after the evening get together. during the last part of that meeting, i whispered into ali's ear that it looked as if we might be heading toward a commitment that night and was she cool with it? she confirmed that she was fully behind it.

deborah and i took that walk, and she told me what she had said to ali; that she was ready for me to take her hand. i do not even remember what i said, but i took her in my arms for our first kiss and that became the beginning of our betrothal.
 
The Gospel According to Ali

Friday, 1/20/12

Please understand at the outset that my use of the word "Gospel" refers only to the original idea of "good news," and that's all, lest folks be feelin' a touch nervous. And, as the recorded tales of our Savior and his band of so-not-always-merry-men (and women) are, at times, like shooting CAT 5 rapids, flipping the raft, being eternally glad that they were strapped in, flipping upright again and yelling "Yee HAW!!," my totally neophyte status as someone who will get their official "First Wives Club" card, ( PM style) this summer when my husband and soon-to-be sister wife tie the knot, is duly noted hereby pre-emptively, if I may coin a word.

While I definitely intend to include at least a modicum of "he said, she said" type details (a la Froggie) in my posts, I guess what I am more amazed and at times terrified by, and need to explore at the outset of my musings, is the seriousness of the necessity to be "the real deal" as a disciple and a Kingdom seeker, irrespective of the ambient circumstances. In other words, it ain't about PM or anything else, it's all about walking with God in the nuts and bolts of life on the Big Blue Marble, i.e. planet Earth.

Last summer at the retreat, Nathan got up, and with tears in his throat, talked about the fact that bottom line, plural marriage had made him a better man. That deeply touched me, and as I am on this "warp speed Mr. Zulu" journey, I am finding that I must trust "Captain Kirk" to give the order to put up the shields to avoid the meteor showers so we can indeed reach our destination on the other side of the galaxy, "and boldly go where no man has gone before."

I am watching my husband grow into a patriarch so quickly that it makes my head spin, and the result is breathtaking on many fronts. It also challenges me in ways that I never expected. I am watching my beautiful SWTB (sister wife to be) come through enormous challenges on every front, including with her health, and I spend time praying for her increased health and total healing with an intensity that I haven't experienced for a long time. For myself, I thank God for being given an opportunity to seek Him, lay aside sin and its accompanying weight, and go for a genuinely greatrun.

But truly, distilling it all down, the question that I must ask daily, and for which I must give an account to my Savior is, "who am I really?" Nothing exposes weakness and selfishness as does this lifestyle. There are no manuals, other than the Word, and there are no more intense opportunities that I can think of than to embrace the level of humility He spoke of for his followers to walk in in the first place. Said humility is currently on the endangered species list In Western Christianity, me thinks, and the price to pay to do PM well is necessarily and wonderfully high. I feel honored by Him to be selected to make the journey.

So, if my SWTB would feel much more comfortable with a bathroom wastebasket that has a lid and is made of plastic, while I am a woven-natural-wastebasket-type of gal, what is my option? Making everything about the Kingdom, and only the Kingdom, and living out my personal vision statement, which appears at the bottom of my posts: "To bring Him pleasure and help others do the same."

Paper or plastic, anyone?
 
Thu, 1/25/12

steve's view
just a short note here, more when i have time.

i got back on the plane to return to my truck on jan. 3 (an hour or two less than a week after i stepped off the plane and met deborah) and have not been home since. freight really stunk on the west coast and i told deborah (who for some odd reason really wanted to see me again) that i was going to have to take whatever i could find. i sat from friday into monday looking for a load when dispatch called. i said, "you have interrupted a call from my second wife which was an interruption of a call from my first wife, what have you got?" he said, "do you want to go see them?" i replied, "if it does not cost me too much". the only load that he had found was going about 50 miles from our house. i will get home tomorrow night on the 26th.

meanwhile the goils have been very busy with getting certain things important to a wedding. i am sure, ahem, that they cannot wait to tell you about the search and the Lord's provision.
 
"Say Yes to the Dress"....and Discipleship
Sent: Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:24 pm

Yesterday, Steve took Deborah to see her folks, who live about 150 miles away from us. This is the first time she has seen them in ten years, and we are praying that God continues the restoration work in her life that has been so speedy and breath taking. We are not sure how long she'll be there, and so far so good.

I do not want for a moment to get too "girly" re: the dress, the ring and the veil for two reasons, other than the perfect ones in each category have indeed been found, and I am so glad. The first reason is that I don't want to steal a smackerel of my SWTB's thunder re: her up and coming wedding. She deserves to tell the tale. I'll simply say that all three are gorgeous, and I was honored to be present for the discovery and purchase of them all. She will look stunning.

The second is that I don't want the guys who read this post to feel like they were just transported against their will to the set of "Say Yes to the Dress." Trying to be inclusive and user friendly, and avoid the need for the disclaimer of "read at your own peril," ya know?

One of the things I face as a newspaper publisher is finding a new way to tell an old story, especially with repeat customers. I have a feeling that my "letters from Boot Camp" will be a fresh news cycle of "Hallelujah," "Uff Dah," and a touch of "Oy Vey" as I learn how to be a godly "first wife." Both my hub and my SWTB tell me I am doing well, and I am grateful for their affirmations and "atta girls." But I at times get dismayed at how often I need to go to my Savior and release some petty stupid completely non-consequential thing. "Really, Lord? After over 40 years of walking with you, am I still such a flesh fest?" Hence the need for the use of "Oy."

But then I remember the testimony in the Women's breakout at last summer's retreat of two sister wives who are mature believers and had been best friends for years before one of them became a widow. They had us howling with laughter over the discussion of "Does this REALLY have to stay out on the kitchen counter?" Remembering their success with "adjustments" gives me hope.

More than anything,I am deeply grateful to be trusted by my Heavenly Father, His Son, my husband and my precious SWTB with the truth of Biblical Marriage and the chance to learn how to live this life, hopefully to His glory.

PS. Deborah just called me from her folks', and things are going supernaturally swimmingly.
 
Access Comments on Steve's Familial Adventures

by steve

so i guess the last post was over 14 months ago, and some may be wondering if our hands are too busy choking the stuffing out of each other to post.

actually, we have been so busy living life that we have failed to stop and write about it. and let me insert here that no one of us writes in this story w/out the other two signing off on it.
so back to that busy life: deborah and i had a commitment ceremony at the august retreat with duke of marshal officiating, ali and julieb as bridesmaids, my son kim as best man, and cecil as the other groomsman.

it was done in the style of a full wedding, w/out the license from our benevolent dictators.

deborah has been living in our house since day 1, so the,... er,... sleeping arrangements were the only real change after the wedding. what i am trying to say is that we have been working out the relationship at ground zero the whole time. of course, being an over the road truck driver, i am seldom home and our marriage is built over the phone in ways that most are not.
we have had the struggles and issues that all marriages deal with sooner or later, but continue to move through and past them. i think that i can speak for all of us in saying that the personal growth experienced has been the greatest and most intense i have ever known.

i hope that with this overview in place we will be more apt to add some personal stories along the way.

in closing, let me just say that my talks with the Lord pretty much always start with my thanx to Him for my wives, and i truly am grateful for both of them.
 
Access Comments on Steve's Familial Adventures

Hello Everyone!

First, let me say that I find the OP (on Good Reasons for Getting Married) an interesting question and I appreciate the many facets that have been discussed on this issue. Nonetheless, I would like to present an answer to the OP that I do not believe has been discussed fully. What does the LORD God Almighty want from you? What is His plan for you and the woman (or man for you gals out there) you are considering marrying? Above all, “What is His will?”

We have all seen the results of so many marriages that have been thought out so wisely by our own reasoning, based on our desires, rather than seriously stopping and saying, “Not my will be done, Lord, but rather, let Thy will be done.”

I realize actually finding out His will and doing His will can, and in most instances, will be difficult. I am coming from a perspective of experience here. My past plural marriage was entered into because I thought it was God’s will. What I learned in that devastating 15 years was truly a school of hard knocks! It took me a long time to fess up, so to speak, to the Lord and really ask Him if, indeed, it was His will that I married that man. I held my breath and kinda cringed up my face with one eye shut waiting for His response. Deep down somewhere, I knew the answer already. I had begged the Lord for that man, and at the time, the Lord told me He was giving him to me. I took that to mean it was His will. But 13 years later, I truly stopped to ask Him the truth; beyond what I wanted, what I longed for in that man, the intimacy I coveted, etc., and I was told the truth and a very hard saying it was! He said, “No. I gave him to you because you begged Me for him.” Just like a kid begging for more candy, and a father knowing it would make their tummy sickened, but gave it to them anyway because they needed to learn a lesson, the Lord allowed me to learn a very, very hard lesson. It cost me 15 years of my life to understand and come clean with the Lord. What I learned was, “Be careful what you pray for because you just might get it!” and “to ALWAYS pray in honesty and willingness with quietness of heart before the Lord, no matter what the circumstances you may gain or lose, that HIS will be done not your own!”

After the breakup of that plural marriage, I found myself in the backside of the desert alone for 10 years. I lost pretty much everything, and I finally came to a place of prayer in which I said, “okay Lord, YOU bring the husband to me that YOU have for me. I surrender!” From that point on, my life began to change completely. One month later, the Lord brought that man to me…the one HE had for me. There was no question that He orchestrated our meeting and what followed. The Lord presented to me a crossroads, so to speak. Would I accept what He brought to me…the husband HE had for me? I recognized that the LORD Almighty had presented me with a choice. I knew it was Him. I knew it was His will, though I admit I had my guard up. It was not because of some type of physical or chemical attraction between this man and me or some super spiritual connection that brought us together. And…I have to admit…after my past experiences, I examined every movement this man made upon our meeting and hours of talking in private. I watched every flinch of his eyes, and examined every answer to my questions posed very, very carefully. I was just waiting to see if he would go astray. Honestly, it was a test. Would he be the man of God I knew the Lord had presented to me? I really needed to see that in him to put my heart and Spirit at rest. I do not think there is anything wrong with verifying what you believe to be from the Lord as truly Him, and that is what I did. This man passed with flying colors…to my amazement, actually, and to my relief!!! Nonetheless, even in my excitement of being brought together under supernatural circumstances, which obviously showed me the Lord had something up His sleeve, I held back, as did this potential husband and his wife. We earnestly prayed, “not our will be done, Lord, only Thy will be done here. Please make this path clear that we may honor You and You alone.”

Three days after meeting him (though I had heard of him and knew his wife through the Bible college and church we all attended 25 years prior), I knew in my heart what the Lord wanted me to do. It was actually very different than I expected. The Lord gave me the words to say to him. They were this, “offer him your hand to lead.” I did not know what he would say or do. I only knew that this was what the Lord’s will was for me to do. Prior to actually saying that to him, I did go to his wife and asked her if she was good with me doing what the Lord had asked of me. She gave me the green light, and I was very appreciative of that. It confirmed in my heart that she, too, knew this was the will of the Father. So, after only knowing this man for three days, I asked him to take a walk with me so we could talk. Unbeknownst to me, he, too, had gone to his wife. He told her that he believed a commitment between him and I would happen that night and asked her if she was in agreement with him going forward. She also told him that she agreed. That night, as we chit chatted on a swing I had eyed out earlier, I bravely and nervously, “offered him my hand to lead.” In that moment of silence that seemed like an eternity, and one of which I had no idea what he would say, I sat there and waited. I thought maybe he would say, “Well, okay, we will court for a year and see how it goes.” I really didn’t know what to expect, and I was willing to accept whatever his proposal of our future relationship would be and allow him to lead the way. To my amazement, he just said, “Yes. I will.” He held my hand and we went before the Lord and committed our lives to Him and to one another. Then, he turned to me and gave me our first little kiss on the lips. My heart was flip flopping. I had no idea what the future would hold with this man, but I knew that I knew that I knew I was in the Lord’s will! Because I knew this was orchestrated by the Almighty, I trusted love would grow between him and me as we journeyed on the path the Lord had laid out before us.

It has been 19 months as of yesterday since we sat on that swing together and vowed our lives to the will of the Father and to one another. We were betrothed for eight months before our wedding, and during that time, we stayed celibate until our wedding night. I am very thankful that we walked righteously before the Lord in that and establish a relationship based on what the Lord clearly laid out in His Word. That was really important to all three of us. Since our betrothal 19 months ago, we have gone through lots of trials and changes. There were a lot of things I had to work through from my past. Some of those things were very hard and I am still on the journey toward freedom. My husband never left my side the whole way. Even during the times I was pulling away out of fear, he never let go of my hand. He held tight to his commitment to take my hand and led me, and I am so very thankful for that. Our love has grown in leaps and bounds through many toils and trials along the way. He has been my saving grace in so many ways, and I am very thankful to the Lord for sending me a man of God that I can honor and cherish till death do us part! Our first wedding anniversary is coming up here on August 12th! Some days I seriously doubted we would make it to our first anniversary, but I held onto one thing through it all…I KNEW it was the Lord’s will for us to be together and that HE is the one who put us together…it was HIS will…and though the enemy shook me like a rag doll at times, I never lost sight of that one thing! I trusted the Lord to see us through and that victory has be such a delight to my soul and spirit!!!

My point here is that we can come up with a million reasons why to marry or not marry…but beyond all that stuff, and there is plenty of it as is listed in the previous posts… “What is the Lord’s will?” If you do not know, my advice is…DON’T DO IT UNTIL YOU DO!!! Look around at the lives that surround us. How many divorces and devastated families do you personally know of? I bet there are plenty. Why is that? I believe it is because, and I am speaking from experience, they were not walking in the will of the Father…most likely from the very beginning of their considerations. I realize the enemy is clever and not all cases were due to this; but I would dare to say that many were…and many gave up on their commitments as well when it was the Lord’s will!

I would present to you, JustAGuy, that you would seek and find a place in your relationship with the Lord where you are quiet before the Throne and ask your Heavenly Father what and who He wants to be part of your journey with Him…find out what His will is and lay your own will down at His feet. The foundation stone of a relationship must be built on the Solid Rock. Vow to do it right. Vow to stay pure in your relationships, in your betrothals until a public or private marriage ceremony with close friends and/or family occurs. Set your face like flint to do the will of the Lord in your life…not your own will…because I guarantee you, if you don’t, it will cost you more than you can see at this time in your life. I truly hope this gives you a perspective that you will prayerfully consider.

May the Lord bless you all!

In His Love,
Deborah
 
Just a quick update.
We continue to grow in health, emotional understanding, and in YHWH.
Challenges are a given, but with His assistance we persist and even thrive.
 
from Steve:

Deborah got herself a ticket to ride two years ago this month. She said that living with me was bringing her down, that she could never be free when I was around. Yes, it makes me sad.

But it is what it is and life goes on.

A wonderful woman, Karin, came into my life last summer and we married 12-28-17.
 
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