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Introduction of my situation and feelings!

J

Johnna

New Member
Female
Hello all! I am married to a 40year old man and I am 34 years old. we have been married for almost three years. he has 2 biological kids. one that was raised by him and the other was raised by his ex wife. I am unable to have kids due to infertility issues. my husband wants more kids so we have looked at several options and feel that this is the path we are suppose to pursue. due to circumstances that happen in my husband's past we are unable to adopt and we are unable to do foster care.

I am not sure how to deal with being a first wife. This is not the lifestyle i grew up in or even thought about until my husband brought it to my attention. How do you deal with your husband dating someone else? how do you deal with your jealousy isses or do you even have them? how do I deal with having another woman come in my house?

Yes I look at the positive of the situation. I know I can gain a lot more in life. I will gain children a sister a bigger family and much more. but also may lose a part of my husband, there's a chance I may lose part of my family, as I was raised Baptist.

I'm just not sure how to deal with the mental issues. please if everyone can give me some advice I would be greatly appreciate. thank you all for your time and in trestle in my situation.
 
We have a little contest here at BF Johnna. There is a lot of competition to see who gets to be the first one to invite a new first wife to ladies chat on Tuesday nights. I win. Again.

Seriously though, Tuesday night chats are the perfect place for you to start. There are some actual real live plural wives in there, something pretty hard to find as most of us active on the public part of the forum are still monogamous.

Also, it would be great if you husband looked around in here too. There are some very common mistakes that get made that he could be alerted to.

We're glad to have you. Congratulations on the intellectual courage and integrity it took to get to this point. Not many people can do that.
 
Welcome to Biblical Families, Johnna. How'd you hear about us?

If you can at all attend a BF retreat, please consider doing so.
 
Welcome aboard.
I'm still monogamous, but have a prospective actively involved in our lives.

My first suggestion is to have your hubby pop on here to see all the disastrous ways others have gone about this.
After this, do a serious gut check.
Pray hard.
Seek God.
Ask himself to think into the future.
Is he financially ready?
Is he willing to have less of you?
Is he willing to potentially lose everything, including you?
Is he only thinking of the physical?
Count the social and familial costs.

Don't mean to be so negative, but if someone spends less time thinking of polygyny than they did of entering monogamy, they ain't ready IMHO.

Having a previous child-producing relationship prior to you, then marrying you, then wanting another wife just for kids makes me pause and wonder. Just being real. Sorry.
 
ZecAustin said:
We have a little contest here at BF Johnna. There is a lot of competition to see who gets to be the first one to invite a new first wife to ladies chat on Tuesday nights. I win. Again.

Seriously though, Tuesday night chats are the perfect place for you to start. There are some actual real live plural wives in there, something pretty hard to find as most of us active on the public part of the forum are still monogamous.

Also, it would be great if you husband looked around in here too. There are some very common mistakes that get made that he could be alerted to.

We're glad to have you. Congratulations on the intellectual courage and integrity it took to get to this point. Not many people can do that.
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Thank you so much for the invite. I am doing all the research and soul serving I can on this situation. I also think ladies night will be a great place for me so that I can speak to other first wives.
 
Mojo said:
Welcome aboard.
I'm still monogamous, but have a prospective actively involved in our lives.

My first suggestion is to have your hubby pop on here to see all the disastrous ways others have gone about this.
After this, do a serious gut check.
Pray hard.
Seek God.
Ask himself to think into the future.
Is he financially ready?
Is he willing to have less of you?
Is he willing to potentially lose everything, including you?
Is he only thinking of the physical?
Count the social and familial costs.

Don't mean to be so negative, but if someone spends less time thinking of polygyny than they did of entering monogamy, they ain't ready IMHO.

Having a previous child-producing relationship prior to you, then marrying you, then wanting another wife just for kids makes me pause and wonder. Just being real. Sorry.
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I want to say that children are not the only reason my husband wants to do this. it is a big reason as he wants to grow his family. but he is looking at every aspect and has done a lot more research on this before he brought it to my attention.

I greatly appreciate your input and I think he does need to read some of the stories as I have. there is a lot of scary thoughts that go through my mind. that's why I'm posting here.
 
mystic said:
Welcome to Biblical Families, Johnna. How'd you hear about us?

If you can at all attend a BF retreat, please consider doing so.
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I actually heard about this website from a lady on another website. she said this was a great place to go and speck to some first wives that may be able to help me out.

I will diffently be looking into the retreat and see if there is away for my husband and myself to attend again thank you all. you are all so friendly and willing to help and that really makes things a lot better for me mentally. as it gets my mind of a few things and gets me looking in other directions of things.
 
Johnna said:
I want to say that children are not the only reason my husband wants to do this. it is a big reason as he wants to grow his family. but he is looking at every aspect and has done a lot more research on this before he brought it to my attention.

I greatly appreciate your input and I think he does need to read some of the stories as I have. there is a lot of scary thoughts that go through my mind. that's why I'm posting here.
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Thanks for the clarification. I would still just encourage a deep soul search for motivation on both your parts. I would reference the NT and realize that just because things may be lawful, they may not be expedient or edifying :)
 
I can't speak to all the what if's and I'm in the process of adding a second wife. Understanding the obstacles ahead of you I can't help but wonder why in such spiritual matters I don't see more advice to seek the Holy Spirit's guidance. I understand and appreciate the "practical" advice but if your husband is being lead by the Spirit into this as I am then ultimately His direction is best. By the way I noticed you mentioned being raised Baptist, I am currently a Baptist Pastor ( stepping down in January) My experience is my fellow Baptist have not been overwhelmed with the idea and they're pretty closed minded to looking at scripture from a neutral position. Pray, fast & seek the guidance from the Holy Spirit while taking advice here. God bless
 
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ZecAustin said:
We have a little contest here at BF Johnna. There is a lot of competition to see who gets to be the first one to invite a new first wife to ladies chat on Tuesday nights. I win. Again.
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No, you don't. I spotted her first, and I private messaged her first, and I invited her to ladies chat first. You've gotta be fast around here, Zec. :cool:

I'm glad you posted an introduction Johnna. You're already getting some great advice from people. I definitely agree with getting your hubby to sign up here.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
No, you don't. I spotted her first, and I private messaged her first, and I invited her to ladies chat first. You've gotta be fast around here, Zec. :cool:

I'm glad you posted an introduction Johnna. You're already getting some great advice from people. I definitely agree with getting your hubby to sign up here.
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Drats!
 
Way to go, Sarah!

Welcome Johnna! We are glad you found us. I also recommend the ladies chat, if you can, but will warn you that it is a gateway to building relationship with some ladies here not necessarily a platform for long discussions. I would recommend private "conversations" with some ladies that stand out to you after you have read some posts or gone on chat. I am happy to talk with you anytime, just as Sarah is I am sure. FYI, I am a first wife too. Praying you find all that you need for the moment.
 
I am not sure how to start a private message. would like to speak with you more. everyone has made me feel so welcome and has given me so much more to think about and I am so great full with everyone's willingNess to help me
 
To start a conversation, click on the person's name, then click on 'start a conversation'. Or if you scroll to the top of this page and look next to your name in the top right hand corner you will find there is a little envelope. Click on that and you will go to your conversations where you can start a new one with anyone.
 
Well, I beat ya both! Lol I'm the gal she was talking to on the other site, who told her about the tuesday ladies chat, and encouraged her to get to know all you great folks.

I am so glad you made it over here. I was hoping you would.

There is a lot of wisdom, and support to be had here. Really it's a great group.

Read, and ask questions, and do as much learning and communicating as you can together with your husband.
 
Welcome! And if you followed Sarah's instructions to start a private conversation and they didn't work before, they will work now (don't worry about the details behind that!).
I agree with Mojo's cautions. Take things slowly. Pray heaps. Don't hunt too hard - if it's YHWH's will he'll make it happen whether you try to look for another wife or not.
The best possible preparation each of you can do is to learn to be the best monogamous wife and husband as you can be.
 
Welcome Johnna. It's always great to see more ladies seeking guidance. We can handle only so many men standing around beating their chests at one another. :D I'm kidding... mostly.

You eluded to already having read some of the stories on here, so you've probably seen some of the more recent posts. Coming off of trying to assist another lady recently who didn't seem to understand certain aspects about biblical headship, or marriage in general, I would like to point out one thing that stood out in your introduction. It may seem like a small thing, but it's the grain of sand that is either removed to allow healing or allowed to remain and become an infection.
Johnna said:
how do I deal with having another woman come in my house?
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This is part of the key that will help you accept or reject your husband's direction in this. Is it your house, or your husband's house?

Again, I do wish you welcome and God's endless blessings for you and your husband.
 
Mojo said:
Having a previous child-producing relationship prior to you, then marrying you, then wanting another wife just for kids makes me pause and wonder. Just being real. Sorry.
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I wanted to clarify my comment here and make sure it was not received as negative speculation. I am just encouraging you to ask your husband to consider the circumstances that led to the dissolution of the previous relationship. He is now in a new marriage. How is that going? Wanting children with another new wife without a solid foundation of consistent, proven husband leadership would not be wise IMO. I think of Matthew 25. Has he proven himself worthy? That's something he will have to answer. I sincerely hope he passes that ideal. Being able to share the joy of children with both you and a new wife, while practicing Godly leadership would be awesome for all involved.
 
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