when to add a 3rd wife...?

[IshChayil]

Ok guys, I hate to admit that I try to learn some stuff from the sister wives show, at least I used to..

I know they are mormons but I figure they at least have had a culture of polygamy to draw wisdom from while many of us are figuring it out as we go.
The 3rd wife said she had always wanted to be a 3rd sister wife; in her own family and others she had observed that there was often a lot of tension when the 2nd wife was added, but that a 3rd wife brought some level of balance. (I'm thinking when the husband is off doing something with one wife the other 2 have each other).

This is open for anyone to comment on, practicing polygamists or theoretical polygamists or just interested guys. Of course I am more interested in those living the life to comment even if you only have 2 wives and you've been thinking about this too but anyone can chime in.

Does adding a 3rd help the harmony in the home? Is this Mormon lady's observation correct?

 

[frederick]

One of my wives just commented about this today... when to add another wife. She likes the idea of the added company and has suggested having up to five wives in the future. Is this something your wives are talking about or suggesting?

 

[andrew]

In my family it has had a balancing effect over the long haul. Depending on which way you look at it, there are different alignments among the women that give each relationship it's own weight. On the one hand, there's no permanent "two against one" situation, because the alignments change depending on what we're talking about. Put another way, each woman is the 'odd woman out' in her own unique way. On the other hand, I can spend time with one woman without having one other feel abandoned or alone, and having a third woman in the house usually helps resolve any disputes between any two of them (so it's not just one-on-one headbutting).

My main concern for any family would just be to be sure that you won't be setting up a permanent alignment that sets up a permanent 2 v. 1 situation.

 

[steve]

I can't answer the poll because the number of women in my life is a moving target.
I solidly have my wife of 22 years, Ali.
I married a girl 5 years ago who.......

Here's to people sorting themselves out.

 

[Mojo]

I can't answer the poll because the number of women in my life is a moving target.
I solidly have my wife of 22 years, Ali.
I married a girl 5 years ago who.......

Here's to people sorting themselves out.

Even though it's not a laughing matter, it's great to see you still have your sense of humor.
Peace my brotha

 

[IshChayil]

In my family it has had a balancing effect over the long haul. Depending on which way you look at it, there are different alignments among the women that give each relationship it's own weight. On the one hand, there's no permanent "two against one" situation, because the alignments change depending on what we're talking about. Put another way, each woman is the 'odd woman out' in her own unique way. On the other hand, I can spend time with one woman without having one other feel abandoned or alone, and having a third woman in the house usually helps resolve any disputes between any two of them (so it's not just one-on-one headbutting).

My main concern for any family would just be to be sure that you won't be setting up a permanent alignment that sets up a permanent 2 v. 1 situation.

Oh that's very enlightening! I hadn't thought about alignments and such. Thanks !
I want to repeat this in bold in case anyone needs it later on.

"My main concern for any family would just be to be sure that you won't be setting up a permanent alignment that sets up a permanent 2 v. 1 situation."

 

[IshChayil]

I can't answer the poll because the number of women in my life is a moving target.
I solidly have my wife of 22 years, Ali.
I married a girl 5 years ago who.......

Here's to people sorting themselves out.

I should have put an option for 1.5

 

[steve]

I should have put an option for 1.5

In faith believing, I think that claiming her as a wife would be best.
But that still wouldn't work for me because you included girlfriends. While I don't have actual girlfriends, I have friendships that have that potential. Tomorrow's answer could be different than today's.

 

[IshChayil]

In faith believing, I think that claiming her as a wife would be best.
But that still wouldn't work for me because you included girlfriends. While I don't have actual girlfriends, I have friendships that have that potential. Tomorrow's answer could be different than today's.

כן יהי רצון "ken yehi ratson" may it be His will (though literally may it be will)

 

[NetWatchR]

I know they are mormons but I figure they at least have had a culture of polygamy to draw wisdom from while many of us are figuring it out as we go.

I read the book Love Times Three. They are mormon as well (FLDS) but i like the way they had it structured. Reading that book was my first glimpse into the logistics of plural marriage. It wasn't theory, or yeah-you-could, it was the way it was.

Does adding a 3rd help the harmony in the home?

I believe this is actually one of the main points that Muslims say that having 4 wives is the preferred number. 1 was considered too limiting (usual reasons: limited access to intimacy, wanting more children, expanding the family business, etc.). 2 was the problem of wifely competition & jealousy. I forget the reason why 3 wasn't as good as 4. But 4 was considered to be the perfect balance.

 

[Nikud]

I can spend time with one woman without having one other feel abandoned or alone, and having a third woman in the house usually helps resolve any disputes between any two of them (so it's not just one-on-one headbutting).

Let's say a guy is about to take a second wife, he sees where there would be disputes between the two of them and where the I'm alone factor kicks in. There is a third woman who he believes would "be a good Ref" and she is willing to marry him. Does anybody have advice for him about should he make the third women his wife and how long to wait. (Is not me but a friend who's lurking as a Guest) I told him he had to be the Ref, and all situations are different, an that I couldn't give him a yes or no answer or give him a time table. I also beleive that the next time he wants a to ask a question he should make a profile a post it himself.

 

[andrew]

You're right on both counts. (Hi, lurking friend! Come on in, the water's fine! )

I know I'm Johnny One-Note on this, but the only important question is, What is God telling you to do? If you have the kind of relationship with God that results in clarity and decisive action, then that's your answer. If not, then prepare yourself to learn by trial and error, lots of error, that a man plans his way but the Lord directs his steps.

So with that in mind, I'd say that all of the above about the third wife being necessary as a ref sounds like a giant rationalization. And bringing on a 3rd to do the work the husband should be doing with the 1st and 2nd is a giant cop out.

• He does need to step up and be the ref.
• All situations are different.
• If you tell him yes or no or give him a timetable, that makes you (instead of him or God) responsible for the outcome. Don't do it.
• Instead, point him in the direction of getting additional clarity from the Spirit, which will develop patience and self-control, which he's gonna need....

 

[andrew]

Note to lurking friend: I'm talking with Kevin the way I talk with Kevin; if I were talking with you I might use different language but would deliver the same basic message. Kevin's a good coach, though, and can translate for us.

 

[Jim an Apostle]

Having two myself and being only 8 mouths along this path I can see some wisdom in letting the existing relationships settle and prove to be a good working situation before rocking the boat with another. Adding a third too quickly could disrupt the home to the point that you could you lose all in the process. I can also see where adding the third would be easier that adding the second as long as the first two were settled and on board. The third would be coming int0 an existing situation rather than creating the original new dynamic. There would be less sacrifice required by each to accept a third wife compared to the perceived sacrifice of a first wife accepting a second. Hopefully a third would have a good relationship with existing family to start with. Not many in our modern society have enough Kingdom mindedness in ourselves or in the mindset of the wives for the husband to act without considering the existing wives in the process. In the days of King David I think the expectations were different and he was able to act with more independent decisiveness than most husbands today could or should. Of course following the Spirit is the most important thing.

 

[steve]

In faith believing, I think that claiming her as a wife would be best.
But that still wouldn't work for me because you included girlfriends. While I don't have actual girlfriends, I have friendships that have that potential. Tomorrow's answer could be different than today's.

That was sooo two months ago....
Present situation is that I became betrothed to a third and have moved her into the house.
Meanwhile, the second has decided to not be married to me at this point.
Did taking a third bring stability? I’m thinking, in a bass-ackwards kinda way, that it has.

 

[Mojo]

Having two myself and being only 8 mouths along this path I can see some wisdom in letting the existing relationships settle and prove to be a good working situation before rocking the boat with another. Adding a third too quickly could disrupt the home to the point that you could you lose all in the process. I can also see where adding the third would be easier that adding the second as long as the first two were settled and on board. The third would be coming int0 an existing situation rather than creating the original new dynamic. There would be less sacrifice required by each to accept a third wife compared to the perceived sacrifice of a first wife accepting a second. Hopefully a third would have a good relationship with existing family to start with. Not many in our modern society have enough Kingdom mindedness in ourselves or in the mindset of the wives for the husband to act without considering the existing wives in the process. In the days of King David I think the expectations were different and he was able to act with more independent decisiveness than most husbands today could or should. Of course following the Spirit is the most important thing.

I don't think David would have been consulting wife 1 or 5 about adding another.

 

[frederick]

Could it be that, on the odd occasion, we miss seeing God's hand of providence in our lives and in the lives of other people(?) According to 2 Sam. 12:8, God gave David "wives" and would have given him more. There is nothing written in the Bible to suggest those women counselled God on their expectations or timeframe for becoming David's wives! Take one, take two, take three; take all God gives you. Just saying....

 

[Jim an Apostle]

I don't think David would have been consulting wife 1 or 5 about adding another.

That was my point . . . but you will have to find exceptional women for that to work in modern USA.

 

[Mojo]

Rarest of the rare.

 

[andrew]

Don't hold your breath. And don't act all surprised and disappointed if He "gives" you a wife that isn't perfect but requires a lot of sacrificial love to being out all that she has to offer. You know, kinda like us men....