Their Anniversary

[cmj2231]

Hi ladies,

It has been awhile since I have visited here but I have been trying to adjust to life with my new family since moving here in July and have kept my focus on that. Things have been working out very well so far and it has been a greater journey that I could have ever imagined for myself, especially as someone who even a year ago would not have considered plural marriage for myself.

What causes my heart to be heavy currently thought is that next week they will be celebrating their 19 year wedding anniversary (they have been together over 20 years though). I am happy for them because without their relationship having existed then I would not have them as my family now, and I want them to be happy and to have a great and ever growing relationship. At the same time though I can't help but feel certain ways about it. Coming from a history of monogamous relationships and never having thought of plural marriage until now it is still a big adjustment for me and my thinking at times and this is one of those times. I am not used to the thought of my partner having a wedding anniversary with someone else, it is a thought I would never have had in a million years! It is a stark reminder that in this relationship he is shared and he is not completely mine.

I was already struggling internally with just the idea of their anniversary and how I would manage that emotionally but now they are also going away for three nights to celebrate. Again, I am trying to be happy for them to have the chance to get away and celebrate because they haven't had that chance in years but it adds an additional layer of awkwardness for me because those three days I will be home babysitting their children. Don't get me wrong I love the children like they are my own and I am looking forward to spending time with them but it just seems awkward based on my monogamous past to have my partner go away with another woman to celebrate their anniversary while I stay back with their children. It is all still a perplexing idea that I am still trying to wrap my head around.

I am also emotionally wound about it because it will be three days that I won't get to see him at all, and I'm not sure he will even keep in contact with me because of being there and celebrating with her he may forget because he is having fun with her, or maybe they will think it inappropriate because it is their time away especially celebrating their anniversary?! So many thoughts going through my head that I don't know what to do with.

I agreed to babysit despite how awkward it feels because I want to be a blessing to them and to love them and give it to them as my gift to them and as I said I sincerely do want them to go and have a great time and celebrate their marriage and come back renewed, but I just can't help get over my emotions here. They are hurtful thoughts in some ways and they make me feel so very selfish!! I am not sure how to manage these emotions. I have been trying to pray through them but it is still so very hard!

 

[FollowingHim2]

I agreed to babysit despite how awkward it feels because I want to be a blessing to them and to love them and give it to them as my gift to them and as I said I sincerely do want them to go and have a great time and celebrate their marriage and come back renewed,

This is what is important. You may be feeling odd about it, but your actions are showing maturity, kindness, and love. I don't know the answer to how you're feeling, but perhaps this is one of those things that you need to just go through and get to the other side, and maybe then you'll find that it wasn't nearly as bad as what you were thinking it would be.

 

[Joleneakamama]

I spent our fifth anniversary home with the kids, sewing myself a dress, while hubby and his long time friend who was considering being a part of our family went and competed in an endurance race horseback.

I know that everyone is different, but for me being secure in my own relationship is all I need. Holidays, or even anniversaries come and go, and I am just super thankful for every day in between.

I agree, it sounds like you are doing very well, and will get through this time of adjustment. Make some memories with the kids, and those three days will be gone soon.

 

[Lili]

I can relate to your feelings. Sometimes normal things feel wrong when you're dealing with the remnants of a monogamous mindset.

There was a time when my husband went with 1st Wife to a wedding on one of my nights, and I was so bothered by the idea that he was taking my time to accompany her. I was alone for the night, and I felt miserable. What helped was distracting myself with a movie and popcorn, and eventually I realized that it made perfect sense that they should go and feel free to go. By the time that they returned home, I was perfectly happy.

I think the important things are your acceptance and your actions, and you've got it down. You are aware that they deserve to enjoy their anniversary together, and you are doing what you can to enable them to go. The rest is stuff to work through.

 

[Ginny]

Oh friend. I wish I could hug you. I'm so proud of you for your attitude and your honesty. Your post is beautiful as it expresses the desires of your heart.

Words are "easy" things to say and most of the time, they are also easy to believe. We are so good at telling ourselves a good story. In this plural life, those words and beliefs are measured and tested daily on several levels. From one side of the chasm, we see the beauty and the benefits of being selfless and giving (as we are aware of our selfishness and insecurities) but we don't get to just jump to the other side to make it our truth. We have to walk through and then climb up.

I say this because I know how you are feeling. I've been there. On numerous occasions. Oh, how quickly I can remember that struggle. It is a sharp pain to come up against our true selves like that. Sometimes, it helps me to have a conversation with myself and ask a lot of questions - and then answer them honestly. For example, "Do I want Cheryl or Ann to NOT have an anniversary trip with Andrew?" Of course I want them to have an anniversary trip. I just don't want to feel this way while they do. "Will Andrew forget about me?" Nope. He's made it very clear that I'm in his life for good and just because he's not thinking about me all the time, he does love me all the time. I can bank on that no matter who he's with. It's a "big picture" kind of love that does not depend on physical location.

Over the years, I've also trained myself to want good things for Cheryl and Ann. I know that might seem like a big "duh" to everyone but at my core, I'm a self-focused person and deep deep down, I didn't actually want good things for them at first. Because of my monogamous upbringing, I wanted to be the center of attention and I really didn't want them to have any. It's ugly and not at all servant-like but I don't have any reason to lie to you here.

It does make it more difficult when you focus on what you think you don't have. I agree with the previous posts that suggest making good memories with the kids. Throw your whole heart into listening to them and snuggling with them. That voice that wants you to feel insecure and neglected will be there, you just have to push it aside as often as you can and train your thoughts on the kids and if you can, take a few minutes for yourself as well. Take a nice, long bath. Have an extended quiet time.

Oh. And if you need to, take a minute to just cry it out. Seriously. Don't hold back. Be honest about your hurt and your struggle to be the person you need to be to make this work long-term. Pray through the tears. It can be quite cleansing.

None of these are quick fixes. As you know by now, life just doesn't work like that. All I can offer is what works for me. It may not work for you. And that's okay. Just do what you must to not wallow in the sadness that tries to get you down. For the kids' sake. For your sisterwife's sake. For your hubs's sake. For YOUR sake.

I think you are on the right track and I do hope you find hope and encouragement here.

We are praying for you.

Love,
Ginny