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A friend

C

cookfamily

New Member
Real Person
I have a friend, who has been badly hurt by a supposedly Christian man who slept with hookers all through-out their marraige, and is now working to be free from him. She (they) have a little boy who is as cute as can be. My friend comes and stays with us and knows their is truth in Biblical marriage, but of course doesn't see it for herself.

How do I go about introducing her to some Godly men (and women)? She feels tied to Boise since that is where her ex-husband is. I really believe God has a man for her, and the marraige may very well include a plural marriage, but the thoughts and fears tied to the ex-husband can be rather daunting.

What do you guys see and know? I can see about sending a picture of her and her boy. It is so hard to watch the desires and fears of a young single-mother stuck in the middle of a bunch of Christians and have no one to help!

Thanks so much,

JC
 
She sounds like she's got a lot of stuff to sort out before she can even consider remarriage. If she is emotionally tied to her ex-husband, is she really divorced and free to remarry? Or is this a marriage that could still be repaired? That would be the ideal outcome. Is she legally divorced from him? Does he consider that he has biblically divorced her, released her - how would he see it from his side?

Scripturally, there is no ground that I see anywhere for a wife to divorce her husband. There is certainly scope for her to separate from him to avoid physical abuse etc, but a certificate of divorce must be issued by him, as her head until that is issued. It sounds like he's got an enormous amount to learn about how to run a marriage - maybe that's where the effort should be going?

Note that I don't know anything about the real situation, my wife and I are just trying to read between the lines.

If she is scripturally free to remarry, click the "Resources" drop-down menu at the top of the page, go to the "Introductions" service.

It sounds a complicated situation that any prospective husband would need to learn a lot more about before jumping to get involved with.
 
Let's look at it from completely the opposite perspective for a moment:

He is clearly a man with a strong sex drive, which he struggles to satisfy with one wife. Now clearly he's got a lot to work on before he'd be ready for this - but could the solution that polygyny could offer in this case be that HE should be the one to take an extra wife? Maybe God actually designed him to have a couple of wives, and our monogamous culture forced him into having only one, which he ended up supplementing in completely the wrong way and destroying his one marriage in the process.

Something to ponder anyway. Biblical marriage might be the solution, but it might also be completely different to what you initially thought.
 
Yeah, considering the small data set the question has to be asked.

What are the chances of restitution? Is this man soundly saved? Is he otherwise deceived? All things being equal, I think that is where this process begins? On this side anyway...
 
Samuel,
I need to disagree with you on the point you make about women never having the right to divorce. I, however, am not sufficiently versed in the Biblical explanations to do it justice here, so I'll point you to the work of theologian William Luck in the book Divorce and Remarriage : Recovering the Biblical View (it's listed in our resources on this site). I've read the entire book, it's a bit of a slog at times but worth the time.
Chapter 3 covers this, however, you will want to read at least 1 and 2 as it sets up chapter 3.
Here is my oversimplified take on it based on what I understand. The essence is that if the man fails to live up to his side of the covenant, then the covenant is broken. His side of the deal is to "provide adequate physical provision" (ex 21:10) and "the right to not be seriously abused" (ex 21:26). Btw, you'll notice that 26 is in context of slaves, however, in the earlier chapters, he makes a very good case that the treatment of slaves was the low bar setting and that wives would expect to be treated at least as well if not better. Also, chapter 3 primarily covers mosaic law, other areas are covered later.

Anyway, I don't do it justice but believe you will enjoy reading the first 3 chapters... indeed I believe you would appreciate the contents of the whole book. Very in-depth analysis of scripture.
Chris
 
Chris, you are correct that the slave provisions could possibly apply here and allow a woman to divorce. However it is a debatable point, as there are verses which appear to directly contradict this, such as Mark 10:12. It's probably a side-issue here actually, there is no need to fully resolve this issue in this particular thread. My reason for bringing that up was to get the original poster thinking about the actual situation a bit more deeply, particularly around whether the marriage was salvageable or not. Best not to get distracted into a debate on this issue in a thread that is aimed at supporting somebody in a particular, and very difficult, situation.

Thanks for pointing this out, I shouldn't have made so blunt a statement there in this particular thread. Back to the topic...
 
This thread seems to assume so much. What I read is that there is a young woman who is likely hurting and trying to figure out her next steps. If this was my daughter, my advice to her would be to let herself heal by allowing God to help her. I wouldn't be looking for her to re-marry at this point because her wounds are raw and her pain is fresh. Any hurt that she carries from the first husband (lack of trust, insecurity, worthlessness etc.) will just carry forward into a new relationship.

My advice to her friends is to be a friend. Help her. Keep an eye on her. Give her Godly counsel. Let your wife become her closest friend and let the truth about your beliefs come out naturally. Don't "interest" her in a new relationship mono or poly. Just be a part of her life through the good and the bad. Don't hide anything from her, just be there for her right now. Let her cry on your shoulders and treat her like a treasure.

God will heal her and then direct her on her journey. Anything we do will just muddy the waters.

SweetLissa
 
Samuel,
You are correct, my apologies for taking us down a tangent. I agree with the overall themes that this young woman needs to seek God for healing / guidance and that this doesn't seem to be the right time for relationships.
Note to self: must. stop. nit picking. details. (bangs head against wall) :)
Chris
 
chris said:
Samuel,
You are correct, my apologies for taking us down a tangent. I agree with the overall themes that this young woman needs to seek God for healing / guidance and that this doesn't seem to be the right time for relationships.
Note to self: must. stop. nit picking. details. (bangs head against wall) :)
Chris
Click to expand...
Yes, brother, because you are the only one who falls into that trap......

*joins Chris at the wall, banging own head* :lol:

We all tend to be defensive a bit around here, as most of us have taken not a few lumps at the hands of our brothers and sisters in Christ. I am learning (altogether too slowly) to have patience, but more than anything to hear what someone says rather than how I interpret what they said. There is a world of difference, and we must take the time to listen well before we respond. Listening and understanding is critical in our marriages, relationships with our brothers and sisters, and every relationship we have.
 
Well, as the one who brought up that somewhat distracting issue, I suppose I should join in the head banging. Then the three of us can start a rock band together. :D

SweetLissa: 100% agree, brilliant post, thankyou for bringing a loving, caring woman's perspective into our over-analytical male conversation.
 
If there is one thing us menfolk are good at, it is overly analyzing a situation. If we can't fix it, we have to just analyze it to death. That is, at least, my observation. Lissa has saved us from our folly...... yet I am still writing. Off to work!
 
You guys have me rolling... good start to my day!
Thanks!
Chris
 
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