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A Letter From the Front Line

livenotyesterday said:
It's impossible not to,sadly.
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LNY, I agree with you in the main, but wanted to take exception to this.^^

Focus on the loss, and you will undoubtedly make yourself sad. To even use the term "loss", though, is framing the situation in a way that's guaranteed to be unpleasant.

Think cost/benefit, instead (so "cost" instead of "loss"). Everything we do in life has costs and benefits. On another thread I made some "circle of life" comments, and they apply here. We move into a new house: It's temporarily sad to leave the old home with all its memories, but we are moving on to new adventures and new memories. Our children grow and leave the house: It's a kind of 'loss' or 'sadness' to know that a chapter is ending, but a new chapter is beginning, and the change is worth it (in addition to being inevitable).

If we believe Paul, then everything other than the knowledge of Christ is "loss", but loss in the same way you "lose" the garbage you take out (see Phil 3:8). We also know that all things work together for our good (see Rom 8:28), right? And then there's the pearl of great price, and the treasure in the field, etc.

So if you're stuck focusing on what you're "losing" or "giving up", then maybe you need to revisit the basics and refocus on what you're gaining that is worth so much more than what you're being asked to pay for it.
 
andrew said:
LNY, I agree with you in the main, but wanted to take exception to this.

Focus on the loss, and you will undoubtedly make yourself sad. To even use the term "loss", though, is framing the situation in a way that's guaranteed to be unpleasant.

Think cost/benefit, instead (so "cost" instead of "loss"). Everything we do in life has costs and benefits. On another thread I made some "circle of life" comments, and they apply here. We move into a new house: It's temporarily sad to leave the old home with all its memories, but we are moving on to new adventures and new memories. Our children grow and leave the house: It's a kind of 'loss' or 'sadness' to know that a chapter is ending, but a new chapter is beginning, and the change is worth it (in addition to being inevitable).

If we believe Paul, then everything other than the knowledge of Christ is "loss", but loss in the same way you "lose" the garbage you take out (see Phil 3:8). We also know that all things work together for our good (see Rom 8:28), right? And then there's the pearl of great price, and the treasure in the field, etc.

So if you're stuck focusing on what you're "losing" or "giving up", then maybe you need to revisit the basics and refocus on what you're gaining that is worth so much more than what you're being asked to pay for it.
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I mostly agree with you...Unfortunately growing up in the "me, mine and I" society all we can think about is "what I will loose", " he's mine", and "I don't think so". Oh, the blessed American selfish trinity...
This me, mine, and I attitude has covered just about every area of family life. I think it's a foundation that each one of us has to break apart so we can rebuild a sure and true life/home. It requires a whole lotta work... I often find myself allergic to work.
What God has put in our life we are only stewards of and get to take care of. We are required to be found faithful. Loss is real, so is gain. I'm so glad God's mercies are new every morning.
 
livenotyesterday said:
As one of those broken hearted with irreparable damage.. thank you! Everyone should hear this. I spent many years preparing.. but nothing prepared me for what happened. I didn't know such damage could exist in what I thought was a Christ-centered home. How wrong I was. I will never gain back the damage lost, but I know now that I am a warrior. I hope and pray nobody has to go through what I went through, again. This is why I'm here. To advocate, especially to single women. This is not a fairy tale lifestyle. If chosen, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. It strips away all you are, all you think, and all you want. Most should not live poly.
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Pardon me, but have you opened up on the forums about just what went wrong? If it's private, I understand. I'm just curious.
 
livenotyesterday said:
I'm not sure what you mean?
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What led to the breakup of the PM? I'm not a voyeur. Just curious if you expressed and explained it all before. For any new folks on here, they may be interested in your full story. If you did express it all, I apologize for being lazy and not searching it out.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
Her journey is not in detail on this forum, so you won't find anything here. The best bet is to speak with her privately.
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I've seen more than a few poly marriages and even whole families fail. We'd had a sw named Macy who came to our family after a HORRIBLE experience with her first family. She never got over what went on in the first family and after a few years she moved home with her parents in Ohio. That's been a few years now and last I heard she isn't dating or anything.

This life isn't perfect and in some ways it's a harder choice because when it goes bad it's not like you can tell people in the world about it. They're just not going to understand it and I can see that making someone pay attention to privacy because it's so hard to trust anyone with your most painful experiences.

LNY, you will be in my prayers tonight.

Megan
 
livenotyesterday said:
You will lose parts of all the things you mentioned. It's impossible not to,sadly. You will be giving parts of your marriage to another because you must think of her happiness too.. she needs all that you need in a husband, maybe not specifically, but in that she needs intimacy, love, a best friend, etc.
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How does a second wife entering the picture cause one to loose love/intimacy/friendship? I mean, I can see why one might have less one on one alone time to spend with your spouse. But adding a friend or child doesn't mean you dump your other friends or stop loving your children.

Is this just about time spent, or something else?

I'm not disputing that this cost is there, but I don't understand it; trying to count the cost here. This Q isn't directed at only livenot; she just inspired the question.
 
rockfox said:
How does a second wife entering the picture cause one to loose love/intimacy/friendship? I mean, I can see why one might have less one on one alone time to spend with your spouse. But adding a friend or child doesn't mean you dump your other friends or stop loving your children.

Is this just about time spent, or something else?

I'm not disputing that this cost is there, but I don't understand it; trying to count the cost here. This Q isn't directed at only livenot; she just inspired the question.
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Consider this:
You are having a pleasant conversation on the phone with one of your wives when another one calls. Or worse, a potential.
If you cut out for the caller, and your wife guesses the reason, how do you think that she might feel?

Everyone considers their immediate needs as of primary importance.
 
Or:
You are talking to a female friend when another female friend calls, so you promise to call the first one back and by the time that the second one ends the call, one of your wives is calling. So it’s an uncomfortable bit of time before you get back to the first one. Every situation is it’s own priority.
I initiated not one of those calls.


The fun one is when you get two calls within 30 seconds of each other. The second one is just going to have to understand.
 
steve said:
Or:
You are talking to a female friend when another female friend calls, so you promise to call the first one back and by the time that the second one ends the call, one of your wives is calling. So it’s an uncomfortable bit of time before you get back to the first one. Every situation is it’s own priority.
I initiated not one of those calls.


The fun one is when you get two calls within 30 seconds of each other. The second one is just going to have to understand.
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Get rid of the cell phone... problem solved
 
steve said:
how do you think that she might feel?

Everyone considers their immediate needs as of primary importance.
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c'est la vie

We are parents of many children, we're used to our own needs being secondary.
 
livenotyesterday said:
As one of those broken hearted with irreparable damage.. thank you! Everyone should hear this. I spent many years preparing.. but nothing prepared me for what happened. I didn't know such damage could exist in what I thought was a Christ-centered home. How wrong I was. I will never gain back the damage lost, but I know now that I am a warrior. I hope and pray nobody has to go through what I went through, again. This is why I'm here. To advocate, especially to single women. This is not a fairy tale lifestyle. If chosen, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. It strips away all you are, all you think, and all you want. Most should not live poly.
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I remember you and your sad story when it happened, from a distance. You look for Christians with character and to be disappointed to find that they are not what you thought they were after you are married is very tragic. Very unfortunate and my heart broke for you even though you were a stranger to me.

The OP and your testimony are excellent emphasis that no one is saying polygamy is easier or better. It is an option, but it is very difficult, and really best avoided if you can.

I remember bringing this essay up to @Ginny at a retreat, telling her how much I admired it, and sharing a laugh with her about it, and she said she was in a down mood after writing it, after having provided counseling for many who were struggling with it. But it is true. All of it.

It is funny to think of a polygamy site advising people DON"T DO IT, but it is really good advice if monogamy is an option. :)

My own story and experience is far less tragic, but I did learn that things happen that you will not expect, and that you have little to no control over outcomes. All you can do is honor God to the best of your ability no matter what happens.

I am impressed that you are still here and still communicating, unlike many others who fade away.

May God continue to bless you and your little family.
 
steve said:
Consider this:
You are having a pleasant conversation on the phone with one of your wives when another one calls. Or worse, a potential.
If you cut out for the caller, and your wife guesses the reason, how do you think that she might feel?

Everyone considers their immediate needs as of primary importance.
Click to expand...

Exactly. In the short time I was courting another, all of these competing needs starting coming up, and I had to try to balance them. #2 wants really needs me to come visit. But if I drop everything and go, #1 is going to freak out, so I need to spend a little quality time with #1 and to reassure her, and explain why I have to go see #2 and I still love her, etc. She gets in a good place, then I go see what #2 wants/needs. Happened a lot.

Or another scenario. Phone messages. After I started courting I put a password on my phone (and e-mail). I did not have anything to hide, but in my mind #2 is entitled to privacy. This can make #1 feel "locked out" because previously we shared everything. I continued to share with #1 what was happening at all times, but I did so by sharing in general terms, and not by letting her read messages to me from #2.
 
rockfox said:
c'est la vie

We are parents of many children, we're used to our own needs being secondary.
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True, but also the children have to take a back seat to each others needs on occasion, depending on the importance of that need.

That would be the same for multiple wives, and women are not used to it and so it takes some adjustment, just as it would for an only child that acquired a sibling.
 
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