age and love.

[livenotyesterday]

I've come across older men who have no problem dating someone my age (21). Just curious what others think about age difference (15+ difference). Also came across a few people who think that marrying someone doesn't necessarily have to have to include the "falling" in love stuff. Also curious what others think about that. Thanks.

 

[Dr. K.R. Allen]

One of the best ways to live by Scripture is to look for examples (patterns) in Scripture. We have an example of there being 10 or so years between some men and women. There are other examples of age gaps between couples in the OT. There may be some other examples with specific ages given. But in what it appears most cases the Bible does not specify an age of the parties involved. So it probably is not a make it or break it issue but wisdom should be a guide.

Thus an age gap within a generation or so (10 to 15 or so years) is probably within a wise or healthy range for most cases. When one begins to move into the 20 or plus year range the generation gap is very large and from counseling others it appears that the relationship is somewhat tougher, although in some cases it can and does work. The maturity of the people involved seems to be the emphasis of Scripture more so than physical age.

As for "falling in love," it appears to me it all depends on how that is defined. I like to use the term "growing in love." Love is a an act of the will first and foremost. God chose to love us and acted upon his love. Likewise, we choose to love and grow in love as God works love in our hearts. Sometimes fall can reflect an idea of only an emotional sense of infatuation that can quickly die. Some who say "fall in love" also use the phrase "fall out of love." God neither falls in love nor falls out of love. God chooses to love and then acts upon it. Likewise, if we look at 1 Cor. 13 on love we see the essence of love and it certainly is an act of the will. Loveis more than an emotion; it is a verb, an act of intentional good will towards another. But, of course, love comes from God and thus the lady in the Song of Songs says "not to stir up love until it pleases." Thus it implies that love occurs when it is ready. That seems to suggest that love develops from a higher source. Apostle John said love is from God. Thus it seems safe to say that love develops or grows in our hearts as the Lord births it, matures it, and stirs in our hearts.

 

[DiscussingTheTopic]

I've come across older men who have no problem dating someone my age (21). Just curious what others think about age difference (15+ difference). Also came across a few people who think that marrying someone doesn't necessarily have to have to include the "falling" in love stuff. Also curious what others think about that. Thanks.

Well.... Can anyone show a magic number in the Bible.

I would rather marry someone I do not initially feel love for and choose to love her, for the rest of our life than marry someone who I have feelings of what I think is love for and then not commit to love her.

Strong Christians can love people they do not have feelings for.... and that choice can result in feelings..... they can choose to feel love after they are married through their thoughts and actions.

That being said do not naively and blindly expect the other person to choose to love you, just because you choose to love them. If a woman suspects (beyond a reasonable shadow of a doubt) the man does not desire to choose to Agape love her she should choose not to marry him (assuming she is given a choice)! :!:

Some arranged marriages work very well because both people have the attitude I mentioned and choose to love their spouse even though they do not initially have feelings. Other arranged marriages are horrible because one of the spouses has not grasped the concept in their mind.

I know I have grasped that concept and I could marry someone I do not initially have feelings for and still love them, if they do not have "feelings" for me, but have committed to love me anyway. I would have no problem in a relationship that started without "feelings" of love in both directions but do have commitment to love in both directions.

 

[DiscussingTheTopic]

Falling in love never works because it says I love you by accident, that is if I fall in love with you I do not really intend to love you it is all one big mistake, like tripping over a rock.

Choosing to love works because I love you deliberately.

Falling in love is like tripping on a marathon and never crossing the finish line

Choosing to love is like continuing to run even after you finished the marathon, because you are dedicated to running and possibly simply enjoy running so much that you do it even when you do not have to.

Falling in love is your face looks pretty today and tommorow when it is not pretty I will not love you

Choosing to love, is I do not care what your face looks like I love you because God first loved me.

Falling in love is conditional beauty. Choosing to love is being attracted by choice.

 

[DiscussingTheTopic]

My point is that if someone elses qualities cause you to love them and you are unable to make choices for yourself that is a problem.

But if you can choose to love instead of having someone else cause you to love them or not love them you are free to love in the fullest.

My precision value may have decreased in these posts because of the quasi-poetic nature of these writings.

 

[DiscussingTheTopic]

I've come across older men who have no problem dating someone my age (21). Just curious what others think about age difference (15+ difference). Also came across a few people who think that marrying someone doesn't necessarily have to have to include the "falling" in love stuff. Also curious what others think about that. Thanks.

There are three things a husband must provide for his wife (see Exodus 21:10) if he is of excellent health and able to provide her "physical needs" or "marital rights" and he is also able to provide her food the man being older is generally not a problem Biblically that I see. (Provided the man loves the woman with Agape love)

Also a woman being older than the man is not a problem for multiple reasons when polygyny is considered so long as the man is able to be responsible to take care of the wife.

I would highly advise against a man of more than 20 years older than a woman marrying her, unless his health is excellent, because if his health is not good enough he can not meet one of her needs in Exodus 21:10. For an older man his health is also an important consideration in how many wives he can have.

I am assuming the man Agape loves the women, if the man knows he will not Agape love the women he should not marry her, even if he can provide all three things. Let me know if I am using the word Agape incorrectly please.

 

[PolyPride]

I've come across older men who have no problem dating someone my age (21).

You should not be surprised ; )

Just curious what others think about age difference (15+ difference).

There's nothing immoral about it but I honestly wouldn't recommend it. Speaking from personal opinion it really all depends on your standards and at what point both you and that older guy are at in life. When I say personal standards, I mean what are you looking for in a man 'physically' (physical attraction, being able to keep up with your level of activities or that he's not worn out a lot, etc), economically (established career/income, does he have kids, ex-wife (or wives) that he deals with, etc.) There may be other factors depending on you.
att
When it comes to life situations, I think a guy who's 37 or older would obviously have his life more established or would have gone through a lot more than a 21 year old. It's likely that a guy that age has kids, has been married, and is ready to settle down. He might be thinking or asking you when do you want kids, marriage, family. I'd say the older person would want that more quickly than someone your age in most cases.
Since most here are probably open to polygamy, then there may be a scenario where the guy is already married, and a wife who's around his age may not be as quick to welcome someone who's as young and as attractive as you. If that first wife doesn't look at it as you being a threat or as competition then it would work but it's difficult enough to work on jealousy in polygamy between women of close age, so it may be harder for a wife who has a co-wife that is 10 or more years younger.

Also came across a few people who think that marrying someone doesn't necessarily have to have to include the "falling" in love stuff. Also curious what others think about that. Thanks.

I liked what Dr. K.R. Allen posted here in response to this question of yours.

In reference to 'falling' in love he posted here...
"Sometimes 'fall' can reflect an idea of only an emotional sense of infatuation that can quickly die. " I also liked his comment about "growing in love" rather than just "falling in love."


I think before and during a marriage there should be some love involved, but it doesn't have to happen only when the two 'fall' in love or head over heels for each other. If falling in love is involved then at least make sure that you BOTH bring in a fuller perspective of love into your relationship- the type that Dr. K.R. Allen posted about here earlier and some of which I quoted.

 

[Nikismom]

When it comes to life situations, I think a guy who's 37 or older would obviously have his life more established or would have gone through a lot more than a 21 year old. It's likely that a guy that age has kids, has been married, and is ready to settle down. He might be thinking or asking you when do you want kids, marriage, family. I'd say the older person would want that more quickly than someone your age in most cases.
Since most here are probably open to polygamy, then there may be a scenario where the guy is already married, and a wife who's around his age may not be as quick to welcome someone who's as young and as attractive as you. If that first wife doesn't look at it as you being a threat or as competition then it would work but it's difficult enough to work on jealousy in polygamy between women of close age, so it may be harder for a wife who has a co-wife that is 10 or more years younger.

Most Godly men seeking to add a wife to his family is not going to just look at her age and when she wants kids and so forth. Also most women in Plural Marriage, who are married to a Godly man, my have some jealousy issues at first, however she should know how to allow God to work through her to welcome her new sister wife. In fact I would almost prefer a sister wife who is somewhat younger and mature than who is my own age and can't think for herself or is immature and insecure with who she is and her relationship with God and hubby.

If you feel that you need someone more mature then yes I believe Love Grows over time. When people commit to a relationship because it is something God has laid on their hearts, and they choose to learn to love the person they are with, LOVE WILL GROW!

 

[cnystrom]

I do not believe that there are any scriptures about age differences in marriage. There are some exceptions to who a man can marry (she can not already be married, you cannot marry a mother and a daughter, etc.), but age is never listed as a factor. So it is not a moral issue.

Having said that you are free to be attracted to who you want to be and are. There are advantages and disadvantages. For example an older person might have more stability, more experience, more maturity, more financial resources, etc. On the other hand they might not be as energetic, you might not be able to relate as well, and he will probably die well before you do, etc. An older man may not want children. In short I think age is and should be a factor, but only one of many. In my opinion, the number one thing to look for is character.

As for falling in love I agree with those that say you should grow in love, but I confess I am a romantic and I fell in love with my wife and continue to fall in love with her. I think it is the man's job to keep the flame of love burning despite the daily grind that wants to snuff it out.

It has been my experience that love really is blind and causes you to think that you are perfect for each other. That is basically a lie and wears off after a while when you realize that you are total opposites. Men and woman are just not compatible. So, you have to work at it. Then falling in love becomes an act of will, and often you have to act better than you feel. You have to act like you are in love even when you do not feel like you are in love. You have to make time for each other. You have to have long and deep conversations. You have to reserve time just for yourselves. And then over time you rub against each other and rub off the rough edges and eventually the infatuation love that is long gone is replaced with something deeper and truer. And that is true love and it is based upon respect and trust. That has been my experience.

 

[Anonymous]

Mr. Nystrom,
I like your experience!!!

 

[steve]

In short I think age is and should be a factor, but only one of many. In my opinion, the number one thing to look for is character

well said
and i am a big fan of "growing in love"
you may start off by being a victim and "falling in love", but as that fades you will either live intentionally and choose to start growing or remain a victim and fall back out of love.