• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

Biblical Monogamy

J

Jason

Member
Male
This past week we were invited by a deacon from my 'home' church, where I grew up, to come and explain our arrangement. He asked if other men from the church could come, and I also invited them to bring their wives, as Elaine would be coming also. Only two other men (both deacons) showed up, and they were not there for 'information' purposes. They were there to vent apparently. While the man that invited us listened and asked questions politely, the other two were very closed off. At a certain point, my wife was talking about our experience with a missionary to Africa. After a chance encounter with the missionary, we just felt convicted that if they were to mishandle sharing the gospel with Africans that were involved in polygamy by suggesting that they must divorce their wives to repent of 'the sin of polygamy', we would share in that guilt because of our own secrecy about our family. We had no indication at the time that something like that had happened, but it was one of the things that caused us to be more open about everything. It was at this point, almost inexplicably, that one of the men that had been mostly quite jumped to his feet and demanded that we leave the building, or else he would call the cops to drag us out. I think it caught the other two by as much surprise as it did my wife and I. Our children were playing in the church gym while we talked, so my wife went to collect them. I suppose the man in his anger didn't realize this, and as I waited in the hall outside the gym rushed up to me with his face in mine and screamed "get your a** out of here!" The man that had originally invited us remained polite and apologized, but it was certainly the most immature and strange reaction we have yet received.

I suppose that is more of an update on what is going on with us than anything, but I share it because the talk led me to a question I wanted to ask. Who are the completely monogamous couples you can think of in the Bible? One of the men gave the tired old argument of "every polygamist in the Bible had a bad marriage", and my response was to ask him to name a monogamist marriage from the Bible that didn't have problems. But as I thought about that, I had trouble coming up with a couple that I was absolutely sure was monogamist. Some instances of polygamy are only known from a single verse, and almost all instances of monogamy are simply assumed because a second wife was never mentioned. So I had been trying to think of couples that are 100% known to be monogamist without a doubt. As in, a verse says "this was his wife and he had no other". Short of that, it seems like a person could be just as valid in assuming polygamy as assuming monogamy, given the culture.

What I have so far is Adam and Eve, and Uriah and Bathsheba. Neither one of these are for sure either, and I know there has been arguments that Adam didn't necessarily have to be monogamist. I include Uriah because Nathan's story about the man whose only lamb was stolen by the rich man who already had many seems to insinuate that Bathsheba was Uriah's only wife, but that surely isn't 100% settled. Are there others? What is it that makes you think they only ever had one wife? I'm hoping just for examples stronger than "well, no other wife is ever mentioned" here.
 
Biblical monogamy to one side for a minute...

Thank you for sharing your diabolical church situation.

Well done remaining calm.

If ever there was a case to dust off your shoes and walk away, that would be it.
 
Wow, and none of them thought to question the source of that rage? If they needed any proof about who was right or wrong that should have been it.

Back on topic though, wasn't Isaac monogamous? It seems like it says something about loving no other but am second guessing myself now.
 
Rage isn't an indication of being wrong per se. Jesus expressed rage when he threw tables and whipped people. He wasn't wrong.

Because of that example, many people would simply chalk it up to righteous anger.
 
I think that's exactly what the man might claim, glorygirl. I think my confusion at his reaction can be chalked up to different expectations about the meeting. It seemed like he came there expecting to call us out on our terrible sin and maybe consider our request for forgiveness. But my wife and I were invited there, and asked for an informational conversation. So that's what we did. We just talked about our experience so far. I think the 'normalcy' that we displayed in talking about a subject that obviously infuriated him finally boiled over. He happens to be a man that we know fairly well, and I have actually defended him before in the public. Two people have told me previously that he "can't be a christian" because of angry outbursts and cussing they have witnessed (having to do with business, not church), and I had said both times that I didn't believe the story because I knew that man to be a deacon.

I can't remember anything about Issac and his marriage that sounds like that, and I didn't see anything in a quick search. I did think Joseph might be added to the list as a possible? The evidence would be that he only presented two sons to his father Jacob, both of which are known to have had the same mother. That is fairly weak evidence, as he could have had other children from other wives who would not share in the birthright, just like his great grandpa Abraham did. Or he could have gotten other wives after that. But it seems like trying to guess who might really be monogamous is a game of degrees, where we can only rank couples from 'most sure' to 'maybe not at all' based on conjecture mostly.
 
Thanks for sharing your story. I've got to admit that my journey in polygyny has been mostly positive and I have not really faced situations like this.
 
Wow, it amazes me how poorly people act and react "in the name of Christ". Not just to poly, but to many, many situations and people. Personally I can't recall where Jesus told us to "yell louder than those that oppose us" or "throw as many stones as possible if you don't like what someone says", but maybe I'm just misremembering.
 
Noah and his 3 sons each had 1 wife. There were 8 souls in the ark. It would not have been possible any of them to have taken other wives, as there were no other wives to take after the flood.

Interestingly, I just got cursed out by a lady who claimed to believe in Messiah this morning. She also threw some racist remarks about my husband out there. Apparently his skin is too light to be righteous seed. The Bible is clear it is not the appearance of the outside, but what is in the heart that matters, and what comes out of the mouth tells us the condition of the heart. All I heard from that lady was trash. Wonder why she's 31 and never married, hmmm...Telling someone to get their *** out of here is never righteous anger. There is nothing righteous about that language and that attitude. When Yahusha grabbed the whips and started yelling at the people to stop selling in the Temple, that they were turning is Father's house into a den of thieves, I can't imagine Him cursing at them or telling them to get their a**es out of there. That language comes from a perverse heart and an unbridled tongue.
 
Prior to the flood, Noah or any of his sons could have had other wives.

Of course, the ark story doesn't deal with this; its emphasis is on mating pairs, the minimum needed for reproduction, and so mention of other wives would be superfluous. (I suppose some folk would assert that monogamy is the message, but clearly the animals haven't received that memo.)
 
Lol, we don't live around that lady, I was talking to her online. She friended us on a site. She was interested in my husband but he wasn't interested in her and she took it personally. She was just older than what he was looking for, it wasn't personal. We exchanged one email before her true colors came out. I can't imagine anyone having a successful relationship like that. Maybe she's bi-polar or possessed or something.
 
The way I read it, whether circumstantial or otherwise, there's probably good evidence for:
Adam and Eve (Gen 3:20 Eve the mother of all living)
Noah and his wife, his sons, and their wives (Gen 7:7 Only 8 saved, all listed as monogamists)
Lot and his wife (Gen 19:15 Angels only bring him, his wife, and two daughters)
Isaac and Rebekah (Gen 24:37-38 Isaac does not take any from the land.)
Er and Tamar (Gen 38:6 He died soon after marriage leaving only her.)
Onan and Tamar (Gen 38:8 He died soon after marriage too leaving only her.)
Potiphar and his wife (Gen 39:9 Potiphar gave Joseph everything except her.)
Joseph and Asenath (Gen 41:45,50-52 Ephraim and Manasseh were his only sons.)
Amram and Jochebed (Ex 6:20 no other sons)
Aaron and Elisheba (Ex 6:23 no other sons)
Manoah and his wife (Judges 13:2 no children prior to Samson)
Samson and his serial monogamy (Judges 14-16)
Nabal and Abigail (1Sam 25:3 David only married her, there were no others)
Uriah and Bathsheba (2Sam 12:3 Uriah had only one "ewe lamb")
Elimelech and Naomi (Ruth 1:1-2 The whole family is listed, Naomi returns empty aside from Ruth.)
Haman and Zeresh (Esther 5:10,14, 6:13 wife and friends repeatedly mentioned, no others.)
Job and his wife (Job 2:9, 19:17, 31:10 all taken except Job and his wife)
Zacharias and Elisabeth (Luke 1:5-7, no children despite righteousness and prayers)
Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:1 Aside from Ananias, Sapphira is the only one who knew)
Priscilla and Aquila (Acts 18:2 Jews were expelled, only Priscilla is mentioned as having left with Aquila)
and possibly New Testament elders and deacons, depending on the interpretation.

Obviously, they weren't all happy or blessed unions. Consider: Adam and Eve brought pride, deception, rebellion, sin, death, and the first murderer, Cain. Still, polygamists are prominent in Scripture. The Hall of Faith (Hebrews 11) chapter contains about two-thirds known polygamists. Also, there's quite a mix here and the majority of the monogamist marriages have problems recorded in scripture, just like the polygamist ones.
 
Excellent point about the bad monogamous marriages. I would argue that Job almost certainly had to become polygamous after his restoration considering how many children he had in such a short time.
 
ZecAustin,
Regarding Job, it's not necessary for him to have become a polygamist. As Job 42:16 makes clear, "after this Job lived one hundred and forty years." This means that he likely lived in the first few centuries the flood when lifespans were still extended. Even as a monogamist, it's actually surprising that he only ended up with 10 more in that amount of time. Assuming he quit having kids 40 years before he died, that's still only 1 kid every 10 years, on average. Not to mention that Job had made a covenant with his eyes to not look at any maidens in 31:1.

I believe that polygamy is recognized by God as legitimate, according to an overwhelming multitude of Biblical passages and examples. However, my approach is to avoid exaggerating the case and seeing polygamy around every tree. Not everyone in the OT was a polygamist and I think our case is stronger if we stick with the clear cases, which are many. At most, we should speak about the disputable cases in terms of possibilities rather than certainties. In that way, it avoids the appearance of desperation from the perspective of honest Bible students who have never been exposed to arguments for polygamy.

For example, Moses married an Ethiopian woman which was clearly not Zipporah the Midianite. However, do we know for certain that Moses was a polygamist? Was Zipporah still alive at the time? The last mention of Zipporah is before Moses' marriage to the Ethiopian woman. So the real answer is we simply don't know. What we do know for certain is that he wrote unapologetically about polygamists and wrote laws regulating polygamy, but not outlawing it. Therefore it makes the Biblical Families argument stronger to avoid cases where simple rebuttals would lead us into a bunch of rabbit trails.
 
Joe88,
I agree that we need to stick to the "facts", though I take a different approach. I have those cases which I feel are solid and strong, and those are the ones I stick to, but those cases which
are inconclusive are also good to discuss. I prefer to preface it like this though:

While there is not enough evidence to support this in the scriptures, it is plausible that Moses had more than one wife at a time. We can't build a case on this, but neither can we state he was a monogamist.

Job is another excellent example of an inconclusive case which should not be used to prove polygamy or monogamy. I could make a case that Job 42:10 states God increased ALL Job had twofold, which would include wives, but it is not a fact that he had more than one wife. It is supposition. Therefore, while it cannot be used to definitively promote polygamy, it can also not be used to definitively promote monogamy.

The verse, by the way, is as follows: Job 42:10 The Lord restored the fortunes of Job when he prayed for his friends, and the Lord increased all that Job had twofold.

Let me say it differently, the burden of proof is on those who state the majority of men in the Bible were monogamists, when the Bible indicates no such thing. There are four groups in which we can classify men in the Bible: unmarried, monogamists, polygamists, and undetermined. Moses and Job go into the undetermined category, as do many other supposed monogamists.
 
And I believe the original question of the post was what were the clear cut cases of monogamy. I don't think Job is a clear cut case of monogamy.
 
aineo,

Respectfully, the burden of proof rests upon the one making the assertion. In this case, that would be the pro-polygamy side of the debate. After all, it's been centuries since polygamy was accepted in the church and that doctrine has become firmly entrenched as the status quo. It will not suffice to say, "prove he wasn't a polygamist." They will respond with, "prove he was" and round and round we go. Examining possible cases such as Moses are intriguing, but much more so after you accept that multiple marriages are morally acceptable. Really though, the argument is speculation on both sides for most Bible characters and irrelevant to the point of whether it's acceptable to God.

That's why I strongly believe that the effort to find examples of polygamists or possible polygamists without context will not convince anyone on the other side of the debate. The most common retort, as I'm sure you've heard, is "Well, God allowed it, but He never condoned it," or "He winked at it," or "Truly, these times of ignorance God overlooked, but now commands all men everywhere to repent (Acts 17:30)," etc. Adding more polygamists to the list will not answer this assertion, even if the entire nation of Israel were made up of polygamist families. (After all, they frequently adopted Baal worship, but that doesn't make it right). It will rightly be perceived as an appeal to safety in numbers. As any serious Christian knows, we are not to adopt the ideas and practices of the world regardless of their popularity. That's why I refer to this line of reasoning as a rabbit trail.

There's a strong "ick" factor surrounding multiple marriage that will cloud the mind of the hearer. Keep in mind, none of us like to change our opinions or repent. The only reason we do so is a loving response to our Savior's sacrifice for us on the cross. As popular as multiple marriage may have been in OT times and even in the early church, the battle for acceptance of polygamy in the church will only[/] be won when people know that God approves of it and then are put in an impossible position of defending their position from Scriptural silence.

For example, Genesis 20 (esp vs 6 and 17) show that Sarai was given to Abimelech as a subsequent wife or concubine by Abraham, according to ancient customs. God didn't allow it to proceed, but He said that Abimelech's intent was done in integrity. Does God refer to a would-be polygamist (if he wasn't already) as a man of integrity? The first time Hagar was sent away, God sends her back to her polygamist marriage (16:8-9). Does God send women back into sin from which they've escaped? Esther was one among many women in the Persian king's household (Esther 2:8-14). Do you agree that God placed her in that position "for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14) or was she an evil adulteress? Joash did what was right in God's sight all the days of Jehoiada according to 1Kings 24:2. How do you reconcile this with the very next verse which shows him to be a polygamist? David's wives were given to him by God (2 Sam 12:8). Does God tempt man to evil? Elkanah took his two wives to the temple every year and through God's miraculous intervention, Samuel was born to one of his infertile wives (1Sam 1:1-3). If Samuel was illegitimate, how could he have become a priest to the Lord in direct violation of Deut 23:2? Which of Jacob's wives was the real one? Why are all their son's names unashamedly recorded on the gates of the New Jerusalem if at least half of them were illegitimate, according to current understanding? Will Abraham, Sarah, Jacob, Gideon, and David be in heaven (see Hebrews 11)? How do you reconcile this with the fact that they never "repented" of polygamy and that God will not allow adulterers to enter into the kingdom of God (1Cor 6:9)? Is the Song of Solomon a beautiful poem describing the love between a husband and wife which mirrors the love of Christ for his Bride (the Church)? How do you reconcile your position with the fact that Song of Solomon is about Solomon and his 141st wife-to-be (Song 6:8)? Should the Song of Solomon be discarded from inspired Scripture as the sinful ravings of a womanizer instead? God describes Himself as the husband to two wives (Ezek 23:1-4). Does God describe Himself as an adulterer or sinner?

I could go on, but what I hope I've shown is a way to argue from Scriptural strength instead of silence and "maybes." Focusing on the types of arguments above leaves Christian anti-polygamists on the defensive. The fact that they will not be able to find a prohibition (only regulation) of polygamy may open the door to the Holy Spirit drawing them further away from the ways of the world and toward God's authority over our relationships. Ultimately however, we need to remember that the Bible is not a book about monogamists, polygamists, or singletons, it is the redemption story of mankind by the loving Creator God.
 
Joe, I won't get into the "effort to find examples of polygamists or possible polygamists without context", since the question I had in the beginning was the exact opposite of that. I was asking for examples of possible monogamists that had some sort of strong context to draw that conclusion. There aren't a whole lot. In fact, a list of possibles usually comes out like the one you had, where the evidence is pretty much circumstantial and a back-up member of a high school debate team could come up with multiple scenarios where those listed could have had multiple wives that were simply never mentioned.

But that's not the point. I don't want to use the lack of confirmed monogamists in the Bible as a debate point. It was just a question. I suppose, if you wanted to link the question back to convincing strict monogamists that I'm not a sinful lech and my wives aren't brain-washed, the thought originally comes from the idea that cultural blindness has caused them and us to give up way too much ground in the argument. Even in what you have said here (which I sincerely do appreciate your points, I really do), I think you are way too comfortable starting from a position of weakness. It seems like you are willing to let one side conjecture "well, maybe these guys weren't really polygamists . . ." but then balk when it is rightly pointed out that there are way more confirmed polygamists in the Bible than confirmed monogamists. I wanna conjecture too! Sure, that doesn't mean it's right or wrong, it's just food for thought. Most people assume Biblical marriage is monogamy only. But we know differently. The Bible paints the picture throughout the entire old and new testament that marriage is simply a man in headship over his family, without regard to any certain number of wives included as long as there's at least one. Since this is an idea that permeates everything the Bible says about marriage, there is no shortage of verses and theories and arguments that a person can present to support this idea. I have myself sat with elders and debated for over two hours at a time, never running out of scriptural defense.

What I am saying is that anyone who rejects the scriptural basis for Biblical marriage is obviously not interested in logical reasoning from the Bible. This little thread isn't asking about a strong logical argument. If anything, it's just mirroring and therefore exposing the weakness of the other side. But it wasn't even that for me. It was just a question.

What I have found is that when exposed to the reality of a polygamist family, almost invariably, the reaction is emotional. I have only had a tiny handful of individuals look at the subject from a mostly intellectual perspective, and all of them were INTJs or highly probable INTJs. For everybody else, the reaction is based in emotion and all the fancy facts in the world amount to squat. They hate us because they hate the entire concept, or they hate what it would mean for us to be right. Some of them have never come around, and hate us still. But some have come around. What did it was seeing us together, seeing us function as a family, seeing that I still love my wife and she still loves me, seeing that the kids are happy. Since their reaction was based in emotion, their acceptance was also based in emotion. Witnessing happiness and love where they expected turmoil convinced them.

Since this is my experience, I don't 'debate' people about the subject unless they insist on it. Rather, I just live my life and speak freely about what I know to be true. And I have stopped feeling and reacting as if I am the strange one. I don't give up that ground. I don't start from the position of presenting a case for why I might be right. No one hears it anyway. Someone that wants to argue with me will have to prove to me why they think I am wrong. Prove it to me. As you said, the burden of proof rests with the one making the assertion. That would be them. It's not just theoretical with us, it's our reality. So if someone were to tell me polygamy is wrong, they are making an assertion about me and my family, and I will require some heavy proof from them as to why I should divorce my wife and break up my family.

Hence the topic of the original post. Those that think they have a basis to tell me to divorce my wife, in reality, can't even name a couple in the Bible they're 100% sure were monogamist. It's not a debate point, just an observation.

And I really do appreciate where you're coming from with your arguments for acceptance of polygamy. I like every single one. Might even steal them myself if the opportunity presents itself.
 
Polygamists living openly and successfully is what we need. That is the irrefutable truth. I have to humbly admit you know this stuff way better than me Joe.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top