• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

Can faith and love thrive in polygyny?

SonoLumen said:
She is definitely infuriated with me and we have had our struggles as I continue to stumble through the process of transition in mind and heart. I wan't us to be ok, but honestly I cannot be sure that we will be. ... She has told me she would leave me if I ever sought to seek this.

Sorry about this, I felt like your wife does a while ago. It's quite a deep dig for one to admit that these feelings and conclusion are like a bottomless dark pit which one has to deal with in order to come out ever. It all boils down to your wife's relationship with the Lord. She is probably going to question it all sooner or later, she may actually even feel like dropping her faith at one point but if she has had any relationship with the Creator at all, chances are she will become more zealous to do the right thing in the end. As Zec pointed out, you mustn't give in to her demands, it's just temporary whilst working through what she alone can work through.
 
SonoLumen said:
"That brings me to her. Right now she has laid down the law and I am following it in hopes it will earn me respect."

"She is definitely infuriated with me and we have had our struggles"

"She is a strong independent woman with a mind of her own... She has told me she would leave me if I ever sought to seek this."

I strongly urge you to get a copy of "Married Man Sex Life Primer" and read it. Then apply it.

The book is actually about the marital relationship. Sex is a proxy and a very useful one in terms of what condition the relationship is really in, so don't be fooled into thinking the book is simply about sex.

Letting your wife lay down the law and following it in hopes to earn her respect will not earn her respect, but rather her contempt. Contempt is almost impossible to recover from and it's a long uphill battle. There are a lot of things I could say, but the book I linked to will do a far better job of helping you have a relationship in which you might be able to bring a second wife into your marriage. Right now, based on what you've said, rather than adding another wife the odds are far greater that you won't have the wife you've got for a lot longer.
 
I've read 20% of that book, and I've also read "No more mr nice guy" in the past. I do think that if you had talked to me 10 years ago, you would have been talking to a male that was basically "beta". When I think about it, I don't blame that on who I was biologically, but on what I believed was the application of good male traits. I believe biologically I do embody many of the "alpha" traits that book so highly speaks of.

Obviously I have grown, and now my application is a true mixture of the alpha/beta traits. It is true, I am not acting on my impulses to initiate anything with a second woman, but that is because I recognize the incredibly complicated ground I stand on and don't want to unneccessarily risk my relationship with my wife. I can't change my mind and deny what I see in scripture because my logical functions work, because my faith is genuine. I don't think she will ever be in "control", really, because I am very driven, and generally that makes me the leader. The reason I doubt, is because of her endurance, as we are each holding our worldviews through this, mine has changed, hers has not, yet. I can tell you, that I can't deny my discovery, (unless someone shows me a verse in context that I don't know of?), so she might eventually decide that she can't handle a man that openly believes polygyny is valid, and openly desires it.

She knows who I am and what I want. I say that with the full knowledge that I have been consistent in pointing to God and his laws. When all of this began, I told myself I would give myself a full seven years to work this out, because if Jacob can do it, so can I, but lately I have been doubting my ability to wait that long. I am less then 400 days into that and honestly, I feel my greatest mistake could be trying to move to fast.

The rewards of a polygynous lifestyle for a man don't take a rocket scientist to understand. Seriously, ideological extremest will throw their entire lives away on the promise this will be found in the afterlife to idols. As a man, it is exceptionally intuitive to me that the benefits of multiple wives, kept, known, and loved, loving me in return, offers rewards that I never could have even accepted as appropriate before. That is a lot to appropriately assimilate into my being. Then when you also consider that it is this dynamic that can produce a larger, more financially healthy, bible believing family and it really makes me want to get it together as a man and lead my family that direction.

Thanks for the suggestion, I will indeed read the book once.
 
Last edited:
Trust me, you can wait and most probably will. Even in societies where it is accepts, polygyny is very rare. And the most important step to getting a second wife is to have the first one. Slow down. It's hard enough to find one good woman. And its damn near impossible to find two. I know good men who have been looking for years.
 
There is a difference between waiting to be allowed to look, and waiting to find. If I was in the position of being allowed to pursue, I do think I could wait much much longer.

The waiting I am talking about, is for her to accept who I am and support my desire to expand our family in these ways. That one feels much more difficult because we don't agree on the direction we desire to take the family or even on what is morally acceptable.

To anyone who has faith it might make a difference, please pray for us and especially her as led.
 
Last edited:
Poly cannot and will not be the blessing that you think that it will be unless you can persue it whilst being of one heart with your wife.
Outside of that, it is simply a power trip that will not end well.

Even with being of one heart it has great potential for not working out.
 
i must admit I am very uncomfortable with anyone giving their wife the authority to "allow" them to do anything, however:
SonoLumen said:
If I was in the position of being allowed to pursue...
...what would you actually do? Seriously? Go on online dating websites, start chatting up local women? How much success do you think you'd have?

Would you be likely to find a woman who was actually interested in polygyny under your own efforts?

Just pray and wait on YHWH. If it is His will, He will make it happen (including both changing your wife's opinion and bringing along the second wife He has in mind for you). If it is not His will, He won't bother to change your wife's opinion or bring along another.

Relax. Most of us have been waiting a lot longer than you have been anyway. And the longer we wait, the more mistakes we see others making and can take note of "don't do that, or that, or that...". It's great to wait! :D
 
/\ /\ *LIKE* /\/\
 
In retrospect the language "being allowed to pursue" wasn't the best. It's less about the literal pursuit, and more about our shared understanding of biblical morality. The part about God not changing my wifes opinion/heart scares me. Its not that "I must have polygyny" but more that "I must have my wife's respect, and I wan't her to see the truth as scripturally expressed".

This is the toughest thing I have ever gone through! She has fought back hard and this whole new view has made her really question my motives as a man. I am hoping that by leading and being strong I can earn her trust back. As hard as it is for me, in the worse moments I simply pointed to his word, because honestly that is what got me here. She is still here and our marriage has a lot of great things too, but I know she feels the pressure of us both being resolved in our viewpoints.

So I can be patient, but there is tremendous pressure on both of us because of our divergent views, and I don't know how long we can deal with it. Bridging that pressure gap is my primary goal right now. Steve is right about the "one heart" approach. It is that "one heart" that I am not sure how to lead her to, or help her find, because for me at least, going forward, it includes the possibility of polygyny.
 
Last edited:
I'm rather concerned man. You seem to have this tunnel vision going here. Yes, poly is allowed by God, but it's not required in most situations. Meanwhile the strife you are describing is indicative that poly would likely shred your family.

No, it's not good to be ruled by your wife, but we are to love our wives more than our own bodies. It's coming across more like "This is what I want, so how can I get her to agree long enough for me to get some, or drive her away without it being my fault"

It might be time to step back and examine motivations.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
Thank you for your concern. I have had a lot of time to think lately and believe I am coming off as over-zealous.

Also I may have painted our relationship as overly difficult. Really i'm focusing on the worse parts in this thread. I do love her deeply and I know we both agree that we have a generally good relationship outside of ideological differences we have.

Motivations, this one I have searched and prayed about thoroughly and I am confident because of that. Practical applications, now that is a different story. I have no idea what to do next.

I am a man, I like practical application when I have goals.
 
Ok, here's a goal:

Goal: Have an awesome monogamous marriage, where your wife doesn't think you have to agree with her on everything in order to be happy and trust you.

Practical application of this knowledge: This issue is a theological issue that you disagree on. It is a learning experience. You have to both learn to believe God rather than man, regardless of the situation.

This may not have been revealed to you in order to give you two wives. It may have been revealed in order to grow your faith in YHWH, so that when a more difficult matter of faith comes up in future you're prepared for that sort of thing because you've already worked through this one. It may have been revealed in order to get you kicked out of your church as a heretic because YHWH wants you somewhere else and you're not getting the hint so He has to force you. Or something completely different.

There are all sorts of reasons why you might be confronting this issue. So the goal does not need to be "get another wife". Rather, the goal can be "learn to trust YHWH as a couple whatever the situation, to serve Him as a strong team whatever hurdles may arise from either outside or inside our marriage".

And if you can do that, you'll also have done the best possible preparation for taking on a second wife too. So you've been working towards that goal, without it actually being the goal...
 
I figure this is generally my thread, with a title ambiguous enough to talk about anything really. So I'm going to continue my story here. A fair deal has changed since my last post, and as with all life changes I have come into new knowledge and additional considerations and am updating this thread for those that care.

Around early October, and after much prayer and striving with God and my wife, she came to me and told me she received a word from God, that she was to follow and trust me in the decisions I make. It really threw me for a loop, because the idea that I would be set free in that way seemed in some ways like an abstract pipe dream. I am deeply thankful and proud of her. She really trusted God and has gone to being my number one supporter in this pursuit. She is a member on here and has participated from time to time with some of the women. She has also become excited about the propositions for our family, and that feels wonderful to see.

I admit to having made some rather boastful claims that finding another woman would be easy, and in retrospect and several month into being set "free", I now feel a bit silly about those comments. The marketplace for healthy, God fearing women who believe in poly is sparse and shrouded in fear. On the surface it is discouraging, because I believe in a healthy society finding such a partner would be much easier, and there would be no shame, and possibly even pride, in a woman wanting such a thing, and in a man capable and willing to do the work to sustain it. Instead we have a society where there is a felt need to hide, and that puts major roadblocks for this type of family building. This to me is generally unacceptable, and one of the main reasons I am standing now and pursuing this for my family, is a personal application of faith and a knowledge that affirmative action is needed.

It is my belief that we as believing Christian men, cannot stand by and allow the poly-type family model to be defined exclusively by the secular world (which is generally pro promiscuity and producing far less children). I do believe that there is a moral necessity to stand in the truth, and the best application of that support is the literal successful practice of polygyny. I don't think that men are necessarily "called" to this, but I cannot understand why a bible-believing women and children loving man that understands risks / rewards and is in a position to at least pursue this, could shy away. Because of the nature of oppression and marginalization, the dialog of modern society when it comes to systematic oppression and social norms, and the need to liberate and engender a more biblical understanding of marriage and the male / female relationship, I believe that to not act in some fashions has very real implications in sins of omission. I can't specifically judge, but socially speaking we are in need of men to stand for the truth, and where there is a genuine need by the oppressed of God, you will see him commissioning men to do, and go to accomplish his will.

Feel free to comment, but go easy on me, as I wrote this in train-of-thought style.
 
Last edited:
I don't even know how to go about finding a second or third. My prospective second was dropped on front of me. If she says no in the long run, doubtful I will pursue anyone else. Best to you!
 
Great post SoL. I doubt anyone can find fault with any of that. Finding a second wife is very hard. It seems like very few men are successful at doing it on purpose.
 
Thanks Zec Yeah, it will be an incredible challenge. I'm still sticking to my assertive nature though so we will see what happens. I haven't truly geared to looking yet, as I am very focused on the supporting factors for now (current happy wife, home, fitness, increasing my income more, etc). I can see a confluence of factors hitting soon and I will up the seriousness of my looking. Who knows what will happen? I will put a moderate and healthy amount of energy into it, in a way that is sustainable and healthy.
 
Last edited:
Thanks Zec Yeah, it will be an incredible challenge. I'm still sticking to my assertive nature though so we will see what happens. I haven't truly geared to looking yet, as I am very focused on the supporting factors for now (current happy wife, home, fitness, increasing my income more, etc). I can see a confluence of factors hitting soon and I will up the seriousness of my looking. Who knows what will happen? I will put a moderate and healthy amount of energy into it, in a way that is sustainable and healthy.
Was curious about why you included losing 40 pounds and fitness as part of your preparation for polygyny? I ask lots of questions, sorryo_O
 
Mojo, that is totally fine. I love being asked questions.

Fitness is so fundamental to our existence in this world. To address your question without over-explaining I'm going to in my typical manner break this down into three primary reasons, though there are many additional reasons why I believe the Christian able to be fit, should probably be working towards it in some fashion.

1) Life Supporting / Temple Building - Your body is a temple, and I personally want my temple to be in tip top condition. A major part of this for me, is making sure I push myself in my natural abilities. God gave me a healthy and working body, and I intend to show him I am thankful for such by taking excellent care of it. This also tends to separate me from the pack, and culturally speaking we are becoming increasingly unhealthy, so by putting in the literal work (physics definition) I am communicating a message to the world that says I care about life and have good things to work for. This ultimately comes back to my faith and is a testimony to my thankfulness to God.

2) General Excellence / Elevated Attractiveness - As I pointed out, fitness is generally esteemed socially both in the secular and religious world. Fit people are also generally more attractive, and given the difficulty in acquiring and securing a second woman, I think I will have to hold myself to a elevated position of excellence. It should be easier, but its not, so to enable myself and increase my opportunities this is something I can practically focus on that overflows into other areas of my life. It also enables me to be better at performing sexually, because at least in my conception of a healthy polygynous situation, performance matters, especially for the man.

3) Practical Utility / Natural Rewards - When it comes to the practicalities of life and what is necessary on a day to day basic to provide for and be a part of a family, I think of things like performance, endurance, stamina, physical ability, and health. All of these things are engendered and supported by a fit body. I know my wife appreciates my work ethic in my fitness, and I think I am able to be there with more energy as a result of my workout ethic.

As you can see many of these overlap and blend, and that further speaks to importance of physical fitness. I do consider Paul's admonition that physical exercise profit's little, but the context there is a juxtaposition to spiritual exercise and maturity. In my life I try to hold spiritual maturity in Christ as the ultimate form of fitness, but right underneath that and in support of that is being physically fit as well.
 
Last edited:
Thanks for answering so eloquently!

I commend you on the fitness goals. I agree with you since the older I get, the more that fitness seems to remind me of its reality and necessity.

Just take this for what it's worth (2¢). Don't get too hung up on attracting a second wife via looks and fitness. A woman interested in being a second wife will be looking for fitness of character, spirituality, leadership and patriarchy more than looks. If she's in it for anything other than that, she's not who you want.

I can tell by your posts that you are concentrating on these other things, but just looking out in brotherly love.

Peace
 
Great to hear how supportive your wife is!
The best advice I can give is to forget about looking at all (or for at least a year or two if that is too hard to decide today!). Your wife now says she's ok with the idea. But she'll have a lot of learning to do, and you will too. Five years ago I was in the position you are in, with a supportive wife, I thought I was ready. The more time has passed, the more prepared I have become, and the more unprepared I realise I was and still am.
As others have pointed out, most successful polygamous families I know of "just happened", I cannot think of a successful one where the husband was actively out hunting for a second wife for the purpose of polygyny. I am sure they exist, I just can't think of one off the top of my head.

Polygyny is a tool you now have available in your toolbox to use when a situation arises that it will be useful to further YHWH's kingdom - when your neighbour suddenly dies and his widow needs a Godly father for her kids, when a woman with severe personal issues turns up in your life who needs a husband to support her, when your wife is unexpectedly disabled and you need more hands in the family - or when YHWH just decides to drop a nice young lady in your lap to bless you all.

You have a new tool in the toolbox. You don't have to use it today. Just relax in the knowledge that you have it ready to use when it is needed in future, and gradually hone the skills you will need to be able to use that tool well whenever that day arrives.
 
Back
Top