courage to face challenges of leading multiple wives

[Sean Miller]

Hello fellow brothers in Christ! I'm fairly new to polgony and recently took a second wife, I just admit I was prepared for the challenges as my 1st marriage faced multiple challenges in teaching and growing my wife in maturity in the Lord as well as in real life relationships. I took a second wife despite my 1st wife's wishes for me not to, I guess you could say I was brave but I think deep down I trusted her and God that it would be okay! Sure enough it took some adjusting but now my 1st wife who was apposed to the idea is happier and or marriage stronger. She mentioned to me the other night how she now realizes how she was intended and designed for this type of family.

I don't believe it's a man's obligation to ask permission or approval of his wife to take another, if your doing this your not really in charge of leading your family or you're home. I've seen this discussed in other posts as well. Let's not mistake this for me not careing about my wife's feelings and thoughts, as I do very much, however years of experience in marriage had taught me about of the times my wife doesn't know what's best or the correct choices to make. When i don't know I typically I take a blood step of faith trusting God it's the right choice. This hasn't failed me yet, or I should say, He hasn't failed me yet!

So I took a second wife and we were married for about a week when she decided she couldn't accept christianity and me having multiple wives (potentially). "If the unbelievers leaves let them leave". I did my best to prevent it but it was my mistake to begin with, married to an unbeliever which is a no no. A few months later, again despite my 1st wife's wishes yet having her support I met and married a Christian woman. We are doing well 3 months later, but I have to say, I've had my work cut out for me. I love them both dearly. My 3rd wife is also a handful of immaturity despite her age of 30, both mentally and spiritually. Often she gets moody and disrespected me in front of everyone in the home by ignoring me and refusing to interact. This is challenging, I don't want the children or her to think this is acceptable but have nothing to do but be patient and wait it out. Eventually she comes and apologizes to me and my 1st wife. I'm not sure how to help her to overcome her rebelliousness, she likes to remind me she's not a child, so I remind her to stop acting like it, then she won't be reprimanded like one. Do I correct her in front of everyone, do I wait to do it private? Do I say anything at all?

The greatest challenge i face is when 3rd threatens to leave and call it off. I remind her this isn't her choice, no where in the bible does it give a wife permission to leave her husband. I'm a good husband, but this doesn't stop the enemy from putting fears and lies in her head, she's definitely the weaker vessel! I'm not always sure how to handle her threats when they happen. Most times I think she I saying them to provoke a response, she denies this however. As of lately I respond to the "it would be better if I left" comments by not feeding into it, my response is well then "you'll have to go explain it to the family then", and that's the last of it.

Here's the issues: My 3rd wife, She had a issue with the fact my 2nd wife who left is still in contact with me on occasion. We don't meet up but if we did am I doing any thing wrong, what if I sleep with the wife who left? Am I fornicating? Even though there was no cert of divorce, she left, is she still my wife even though I'm not bound biblically?

How do I get my 3rd wife to accept another wife, she was in agreement when we got married but even though this is not on the table right now, will it cause a problem if I decide to take another wife later on?

My 1st is in full support now no matter what I do, this is a very rewarding and deeply loving thing she did, the challenges paid off for sure. Now trying to get 3rd to be the same way. I don't want to wait several years unless it just happens that way, to decide to take a 4th....

Insight is appreciated, have you delt with similar difficulties?

 

[Cap]

I personally would like to thank you for your contribution here. Most of us who are not in a plural relationship, crave the input those who are in a plural relationship and their willingness to share.

I was wondering what are the feelings of your third wife to your first.

In my relationships I try not to use the bible as a tool to force love or loyalty. I do try to lead others to the places that might offer that help but let God's Spirit do the work. I think offering stability is the key.

As far as, "Even though there was no cert of divorce, she left, is she still my wife even though I'm not bound biblically?", I would think you are still biblically bound. I know there is a lot of talk here about the Law and how these things should be handled, but I would rely more heavily on God's Grace and Mercy, and patience, lots of patience.

 

[rockfox]

This is challenging, I don't want the children or her to think this is acceptable but have nothing to do but be patient and wait it out.....Do I correct her in front of everyone, do I wait to do it private? Do I say anything at all?

This is a hard situation and one you'll have to feel out; how to react depends a lot on the personalities involved and the strength of your authority.

You shouldn't be completely silent. How you accomplish that may vary. But one way or another both her and your children need to hear that the behavior is unacceptable. A point that will be amplified when she apologizes later to the kids if they were witness. A wife disrespecting her husband is one of the quickest ways to have intractable long term problems with children respecting their parents authority. And thats not just about you, they'll also refuse to obey the mother who disrespects, following her own example.

The greatest challenge i face is when 3rd threatens to leave and call it off. I remind her this isn't her choice, no where in the bible does it give a wife permission to leave her husband. I'm a good husband, but this doesn't stop the enemy from putting fears and lies in her head, she's definitely the weaker vessel! I'm not always sure how to handle her threats when they happen. Most times I think she I saying them to provoke a response, she denies this however. As of lately I respond to the "it would be better if I left" comments by not feeding into it, my response is well then "you'll have to go explain it to the family then", and that's the last of it.

Look for the root cause. My suspicion is this is either her craving comfort, as she feels insecure, or it is an attempt to gain the upper hand and get you to grovel or do what she wants. Or both.

It is good for her to know that divorce is unacceptable to God. But appealing to scripture makes you look weak. It is better to make it clear to her that threats of divorce (even passive aggressively, i.e. 'better if I left') are unacceptable and will not be tolerated. In other words, its not a valid way to argue; she should instead focus on the real issue at hand. But this will be a hard thing to pull off, esp. after you enter marriage and having had one leave.

I made it clear to my wife going in that divorce was not an option and we were agreed on that point. Thats not to say it wasn't an option in her mind, but it was off the table so to speak and so not a tool she ever used in disputes.

She had a issue with the fact my 2nd wife who left is still in contact with me on occasion. We don't meet up but if we did am I doing any thing wrong, what if I sleep with the wife who left? Am I fornicating? Even though there was no cert of divorce, she left, is she still my wife even though I'm not bound biblically?

Theologically, yes she is still your wife. It is good to keep in touch, toward the end of bringing her to God and back to you. But forming a girlfriend like relationship is likely to be trouble in that you're giving her the physical or emotional benefits without the authority that is supposed to come with it. Your 3rd is probably feeling insecure and jealous of your attention; and you're giving it to someone who refuses to act like your wife. Her having trouble with that is understandable.

 

[cnystrom]

Here's the issues: My 3rd wife, She had a issue with the fact my 2nd wife who left is still in contact with me on occasion. We don't meet up but if we did am I doing any thing wrong, what if I sleep with the wife who left? Am I fornicating? Even though there was no cert of divorce, she left, is she still my wife even though I'm not bound biblically?

I agree with what others have said. I believe she is still our wife.

Things might get more complicated if she commits adultery.

How do I get my 3rd wife to accept another wife, she was in agreement when we got married but even though this is not on the table right now, will it cause a problem if I decide to take another wife later on?

It is interesting that you would ask this, having already been successful with your first wife. I would think you would do the same with your 3rd wife, that you did with your first wife.

I would be interested in hearing more of your story. What part of the country do you live in? How long have you believed in polygamy and how did that get started? What do you do about church?

Best wishes.

 

[Sean Miller]

This is a hard situation and one you'll have to feel out; how to react depends a lot on the personalities involved and the strength of your authority.



You shouldn't be completely silent. How you accomplish that may vary. But one way or another both her and your children need to hear that the behavior is unacceptable. A point that will be amplified when she apologizes later to the kids if they were witness. A wife disrespecting her husband is one of the quickest ways to have intractable long term problems with children respecting their parents authority. And thats not just about you, they'll also refuse to obey the mother who disrespects, following her own example.

Look for the root cause. My suspicion is this is either her craving comfort, as she feels insecure, or it is an attempt to gain the upper hand and get you to grovel or do what she wants. Or both.

It is good for her to know that divorce is unacceptable to God. But appealing to scripture makes you look weak. It is better to make it clear to her that threats of divorce (even passive aggressively, i.e. 'better if I left') are unacceptable and will not be tolerated. In other words, its not a valid way to argue; she should instead focus on the real issue at hand. But this will be a hard thing to pull off, esp. after you enter marriage and having had one leave.

I made it clear to my wife going in that divorce was not an option and we were agreed on that point. Thats not to say it wasn't an option in her mind, but it was off the table so to speak and so not a tool she ever used in disputes.



Theologically, yes she is still your wife. It is good to keep in touch, toward the end of bringing her to God and back to you. But forming a girlfriend like relationship is likely to be trouble in that you're giving her the physical or emotional benefits without the authority that is supposed to come with it. Your 3rd is probably feeling insecure and jealous of your attention; and you're giving it to someone who refuses to act like your wife. Her having trouble with that is understandable.

Thank you for your impute, rockfox. Yes, I agree saying something is important, and typically that is how I address it by stating it is not acceptable behavior, from that point I don't emphasis any more because she seems to like the attention on her negative behavior, this would be the "feeling her out" part.



The reason behind appealing to scripture is simply due to her being a new believer, this is the purpose for referring to scripture. I believe obedience to God needs to come 1st before your wife will be willing to submit to her husband. So when it applies referencing scripture I do think it important. With my 1st wife this is not something I do.

With my ladies I have been clear from the start prior to marriage divorce was not okay nor would it be considered or discussed. Ultimately it's insecurities, and fears speaking when these comments occur. So when it happens, what's the proper way to handle those threats of "I'll just leave", when I've already stated they wont be tolerated? Domestic Discipline?

With the 2nd lady, there is very little communication, she wants a "friend" type relationship but I didn't feel that was a good idea if she was choosing to remove herself from my home and rebel against the Faith. I explained I'd be here for her if she wanted to return and I'd always love her, and be happy to talk to her about God if she had questions one day. Despite that she still messages me from time to time about pointless topics. I agreed to meet with her for coffee, but that hasn't occurred as of yet. This is what caused an issue for #3, even with the reminder that she was my second wife and there is no wrong in me doing so. Since she has calmed down on the matter and talked with my 1st on how she handled the plural marriage. #3 said she was okay with me having multiple's but now she has a jealousy issue with it because of a former dating relationship she had. I understand this, at the same time, she knew what she was getting into when we married.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

Domestic Discipline?

What do you think this would entail?

 

[mystic]

Ooooh, yeah, no, let's not go there in a public forum. DD (or CDD if you like) comes under the umbrella of BDSM, which has been unsuitable for discussion here except in the broadest of terms.

@Sean Miller, broadly speaking I think it's better to focus on fostering her trust in your authority — through whatever means; the particulars are between you, her, and God — before such a difficult moment arrives, so that when it does you have that trust in the bank and can draw from it.

I'll send you a private message in case I can help with extra-sensitive questions or else direct you to someone who can.

 

[rockfox]

Well I hope its helpful. I've worked through many similar issues as you so I have some experience, but only with 1 so my dynamics were simpler. I'm hoping those with multiples will chime in here or privately.

The reason behind appealing to scripture is simply due to her being a new believer, this is the purpose for referring to scripture.

Ok, so you're still in the teaching phase of her faith so that is understandable. Usually when scripture is used in these situations it is the husband using it as a hammer because he lacks any other tools to convince her. So it comes off a weak. Just don't belabor it.

That #1 knows the source of her insecurities and will voice it is a good sign. Is she secure enough in her marriage and have developed a good enough relationship with #3 to be able to help #3 work though her issues? It helps when all 3 are pulling in the same direction.

Ya it sure sounds like #2 wants your emotional benefits. Though I'd be interested to hear what others with more experience with women like #2 have to say on that one. I don't think you're doing wrong so far with #2, but it could introduce unnecessary complications to your current situation.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

I kind of like what Christ had to say, I will never leave you nor forsake you. You can only truly control your response to the situation. You may be able to convince/ manipulate/ control another’s behavior and responses for a while, but there will always be that point that you simply cant control or convince her to see things your way.

An otherwise foolish man once gave me some of the best advice Ive received to date. He said that in this age and culture, if a woman really wants to leave, there is nothing you can do short of a criminal act to keep her with you.

Trying to keep a woman who doesn’t wanna be kept is foolishness. A woman who wants to be there couldn’t be drug away with teams of horses. Exposing a woman who is using the threat to manipulate the situation IMO is a good move. I.e. I don’t want you to go but your welcome to leave if you so choose, I will never leave. You’ll either call her bluff and remove it from the conversation, and then you can work on a constructive and instructive conversation, or she’ll leave and the strife will cease.

Peace, love and all the fuzzy stuff. Hoping it works out for you guys.

 

[Sean Miller]

I kind of like what Christ had to say, I will never leave you nor forsake you. You can only truly control your response to the situation. You may be able to convince/ manipulate/ control another’s behavior and responses for a while, but there will always be that point that you simply cant control or convince her to see things your way.

An otherwise foolish man once gave me some of the best advice Ive received to date. He said that in this age and culture, if a woman really wants to leave, there is nothing you can do short of a criminal act to keep her with you.

Trying to keep a woman who doesn’t wanna be kept is foolishness. A woman who wants to be there couldn’t be drug away with teams of horses. Exposing a woman who is using the threat to manipulate the situation IMO is a good move. I.e. I don’t want you to go but your welcome to leave if you so choose, I will never leave. You’ll either call her bluff and remove it from the conversation, and then you can work on a constructive and instructive conversation, or she’ll leave and the strife will cease.

Peace, love and all the fuzzy stuff. Hoping it works out for you guys.

Yes, I have no interest in slaves, I want leadable helpmeets. However, until your in that situation and faced with the threat of losing someone you love you are faced with several choices. Personally I prefer to feel out the situation, focus on the cause and eliminate the insecurity or pray over the lies of the enemy deceiving her, taking my spiritual authority over her and it (not physically)

Domestic discipline I had no idea of until my 1st brought it up. We researched it and studied the discussions and looked at the biblical side. It's something that has to be agreed by both sides and really at times it's very uncomfortable, but so is having to discipline my children. It varies, it can be a "I'd like you to go think about and pray about your behavior alone" then go talk with her after a period of time. What you could call an adult time out, I need them sometimes lol! Other side of it is saying boundaries, and if they are crossed the is a consequence, potentially a spanking. And no, I really don't see any retaliation to this and BDSM.

Keeping in mind husbands are responsible for our wives, to present her before the lord spotless and blameless. Yes I know In this culture not commonly accepted meant of the things, but I do my best to follow the bible in how I live and lead my family. Then count on His Grace for everything else I mess up with.

 

[Sean Miller]

C

I personally would like to thank you for your contribution here. Most of us who are not in a plural relationship, crave the input those who are in a plural relationship and their willingness to share.

I was wondering what are the feelings of your third wife to your first.

In my relationships I try not to use the bible as a tool to force love or loyalty. I do try to lead others to the places that might offer that help but let God's Spirit do the work. I think offering stability is the key.

As far as, "Even though there was no cert of divorce, she left, is she still my wife even though I'm not bound biblically?", I would think you are still biblically bound. I know there is a lot of talk here about the Law and how these things should be handled, but I would rely more heavily on God's Grace and Mercy, and patience, lots of patience.

Cap, thanks for your comments! To answer you, my 3rd and 1st are best friends. My 1st says she couldn't imagine our life any other way now and she prefers plural marriage now when she was opposed originally. We discussed plural marriage when we 1st got married but over 4 years her willingness to accept it was the same. This is where having a biblically sound wife is vital! If it weren't for her undivided faith in the Word I'm sure she'd have left. So my advice would be make sure your wife is grounded in God and the True word. Even though my 1st said she couldn't handle it if I married another she accepted it because biblically she had "no grounds to prevent me" as she said.

The 4 years with mt 1st were a serious battle and only by His grace did I and her reach this point where we are. She was a new Christian and I grew a PK. Patients had been the key, no doubt!

 

[mystic]

Hmm, I wonder if you're using a voice-dictation tool. If so, then whatever you said that got interpreted as "In this culture not commonly accepted meant of the things" probably made sense when you spoke it, but anyway it doesn't now. And I also wonder if you meant "relation" where the word "retaliation" appeared in your post.

No relation? Yeah, it's not unusual to think so. But you've described exactly the activity of some folk who identify with that subculture.

No retaliation? It would be nice to live in such a world. Intense stuff brings out intense reactions. I'm glad you make clear that your focus is on leading your wives with love.

 

[Sean Miller]

I would be interested in hearing more of your story. What part of the country do you live in? How long have you believed in polygamy and how did that get started? What do you do about church?

Best wishes.

I apologize in advance for the typo errors, a few are confused with the auto correct words from my phone that I didn't catch!

I have been "aware"of polgony since young, reading the Word. I became more aware and curious of the discussion in my early twenties. I always thought it was interesting how it was discussed and okay in the bible but presented as wrong now. I married young and went distant with God and encountered multiple challenges by doing so. If i had more knowledge on the subject back then I'm sure I would have more than one wife I my twenties, as I struggled greatly with the desire for more than one. When I discovered the truth about polgony I was very angry at the structural church and religious practices. Amongst other things in the church that isn't taught. Truly God removed us from the denominational church. After that happened, I began to dig into more of the lies and miss translated verses in the bible. My wife and I did some focus on the polgony topic and I couldn't find anywhere in the bible that God condemned or rebuked it. Even in Jesus time it was still practised so I'm sure God would have told us if it was wrong.

Honestly-i love God and love women. Before I understood polgony I felt frustrated and discouraged as to why God allowed me to desire more than one woman but didn't allow me ti have them. I prayed and prayed, then prayed more that God would take it away, but it never happened. When I became understanding of the topic I felt angry at the deception of "more than one wife was wrong". Then it all made sense, monogamy created more problems than good, especially now. Divorce and affairs are so common, maybe this would be less if polgony was still practised and commonly accepted.

Before plural marriage I lead my family in home church. We still practice this, as i believe that's what God intended, for a man to lead his family. Going to church every sunday takes allot of the responsibility away because your getting another man to do the teaching of your family so you don't have to put it the work to connect with God and lead. I'm a avid supporter of the church of Acts, but this doesn't exist much today and it's almost impossible to meet like minded people who believe in the written word. Even my own family argues my beliefs with religious thinking, not biblical facts, this drives me nuts! So here I am! Actually my 1st found the web site and thought I'd like it.

To be clear, I don't believe in polygamy, because this refers to a man or woman having more than one spouse. The correct word is polgony, when a man has more than one wife not a woman. A woman having more than one husband would be like us having more than one God.

In final, I have accepted and been okay with polgony for 10+years, but only recently dug deep into the research on the matter, studied it throughout history, this lead me to taking another wife. My 1st is now happy to accept me taking more but right now I've got my hands full. My 3rd is also accepting of the matter but she has her moments when not.Those of you who only gave one wife let me tell you, it's not easy, and it's never been all about one reason for having more than one wife. I enjoy leading, learning, teaching and watching my spouse grow in God and character, knowing I've contributed to that happening is very rewarding. Not to mention other benefits, sex, children, relationships, enjoying the differences in personality and so on. I don't play favorites nor do I have one, I love both as equal as possible.

We no longer live in the states, we moved to Asia last year. I love America but it's going down fast and the big government and policing state was becoming to much, plus we wanted to travel. So we left, and don't plan on moving back, ever if possible.

 

[Sean Miller]

Hmm, I wonder if you're using a voice-dictation tool. If so, then whatever you said that got interpreted as "In this culture not commonly accepted meant of the things" probably made sense when you spoke it, but anyway it doesn't now. And I also wonder if you meant "relation" where the word "retaliation" appeared in your post.

No relation? Yeah, it's not unusual to think so. But you've described exactly the activity of some folk who identify with that subculture.

No retaliation? It would be nice to live in such a world. Intense stuff brings out intense reactions. I'm glad you make clear that your focus is on leading your wives with love.

Yes I meant relation. It's my phone auto correct when I post on here. I'm rarely in front of a computer. Sorry about that. And yes I meant I this culture today this type of lifestyle in polgony and "submission to your husband" is not commonly practised or accepted. This makes people such as my self an extremist or "control freak". The funny thing is in my family they prefer submission and surrendering more so compared to doing things the"worlds way". Personally I emphasize on what the ladies strengths are and desires so they feel as fulfilled as possible. This also keeps them busy and less opportunity for distraction of negative attitudes and behaviors.

 

[Sean Miller]

Ok, so you're still in the teaching phase of her faith so that is understandable. Usually when scripture is used in these situations it is the husband using it as a hammer because he lacks any other tools to convince her. So it comes off a weak. Just don't belabor it.

That #1 knows the source of her insecurities and will voice it is a good sign. Is she secure enough in her marriage and have developed a good enough relationship with #3 to be able to help #3 work though her issues? It helps when all 3 are pulling in the same direction.

Ya it sure sounds like #2 wants your emotional benefits. Though I'd be interested to hear what others with more experience with women like #2 have to say on that one. I don't think you're doing wrong so far with #2, but it could introduce unnecessary complications to your current situation.

I agree...If your using the bible as a tool to push your purpose then it becomes more of a manipulation tool. A biblical wife should know what is right and wrong biblically. A new Christian and wife doesn't. I knew a husband who did that along with immense over reactions and it resulted in her divorcing him. The worst part was the church pastors said it was okay for her to do that! In my own mistakes I've learned leading by example is important.

Yes #1 is stable and actually gets protective over me if disrespected openly by 3. She does talk with her and advises her by relating with #3. #1 and I have a better marriage now then before it was just the two of us! She's more aware of her behavior and wants to be a better example as a wife now that there is another wife in the home.

#2, well honestly I've never encountered anything like i have with her. And I doubt anyone else has. She left but it was due to other people's opinions I think. So she still wanted to talk often and I said I was not okay with doing that, as my wife she either was that or not. If not than I was not interested in continuing a relationship unless it was to rectify things. This didn't matter to her she kept messaging me anyway. It was a very hard choice what to do, I wanted to be loving and hope she'd return by seeing that yet I wanted her to know i was not okay with a friend relationship either. I reminded her she would be welcome to return and I'd always love her. So now i still some what respond if she contacts me, but I'm not initiating it or feeding the conversation much. I do think that maybe if I'm somewhat involved still she will decide to return vs think I don't want her or care anymore. Very difficult situation not black and white