inquisitive one
New Member
Is it acceptable for a man to hide from his 'wife' communications between himself and a 'girlfriend'? For example emails, text messages, phone calls etc? What level of 'privacy' or 'openness' is acceptable?
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Dating for a polygamous man
- Thread starter inquisitive one
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Why does he need to hide? If it is for deception, then absolutely yes it is unacceptable behavior.
If you are writing something that would upset or irritate your first wife, maybe you should be questioning why you are writing it in the first place?
If your first wife is not able to trust you (either because of your behavior OR because of her underlying security issues) then you have some work to do to build that level of trust to the point that you are even fit to be considering being the spiritual head of another.
If you are writing something that would upset or irritate your first wife, maybe you should be questioning why you are writing it in the first place?
If your first wife is not able to trust you (either because of your behavior OR because of her underlying security issues) then you have some work to do to build that level of trust to the point that you are even fit to be considering being the spiritual head of another.
inquisitive one
New Member
Hiding things as a matter of privacy between the 'girlfriend' and the 'husband'? Should the husband be totally open with the 'wife' or is he entitled to have privacy between himself and the 'girlfriend'? How much should the husband be telling the 'wife' about his relationship with the 'girlfriend'?
The husband should be completely open with his wife THAT he has a girlfriend and is communicating with her.
However, what he is saying to her should be private between the two of them. If he wishes his girlfriend to speak completely openly to him, she needs to know that he will keep anything she wishes to keep private to himself. Should this become a marriage, he will have two completely separate marriages. Just as his current wife no doubt wants to maintain her privacy, the new wife will wish to have her privacy as well.
Does that help?
However, what he is saying to her should be private between the two of them. If he wishes his girlfriend to speak completely openly to him, she needs to know that he will keep anything she wishes to keep private to himself. Should this become a marriage, he will have two completely separate marriages. Just as his current wife no doubt wants to maintain her privacy, the new wife will wish to have her privacy as well.
Does that help?
Samuel is right, the girlfriend has the right to privacy, I have read that some couples insist that the wife read all their private electronic correspondence, sometimes the girlfriend isn't even told this and it doesn't come up until the wife says 'I don't like what you said to my husband in your last email...' and the whole time the girlfriend thought they were having a private correspondence. I have been put in this situation myself and it is very, very destructive and certainly eroded trust.
B
B
I agree as well. There should be a certain level of privacy.
My hubby will share with me what he sees fit and I don't snoop. They have to know you trust them to be adults.
Now having said that. There have been instances where the husband and girlfriend are being very secretive because they were hiding an intimate relationship. In those cases I personally consider that adultery and they shouldn't be trusted or given extra privacy.... IN MY OPINION!
My hubby will share with me what he sees fit and I don't snoop. They have to know you trust them to be adults.
Now having said that. There have been instances where the husband and girlfriend are being very secretive because they were hiding an intimate relationship. In those cases I personally consider that adultery and they shouldn't be trusted or given extra privacy.... IN MY OPINION!
inquisitive one
New Member
Thanks for everyones input.
Input from men would also be appreciated to balance opinion.
I would like to expand the question.....
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfrend has an addiction past or present. Including but not limited to drugs, alcohol, gambeling etc.
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend has a criminal history, what it is, what the penalties are and if there are outstanding charges or pending carges?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend is or has been a prostitute?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend has children who have been taken from her by welfare agencies and the reasons for this?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend has children who currently don't live with her for whatever reason, who may at some point in time come back into her care?
Should it be disclosed to the wfe if the husband and girlfriend are having a pre marrital sexual relationship?
Should it be disclosed to the wfe if the girlfriend is bisexual when the wife is straight and does not wish to have a bisexual sisterwife?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend is a 'swinger' and wishes to carry on 'swinging' after marriage to the husband?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend is asking the husband for money?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend is asking the husand to financialy support her during the dating phase and before any engagement or marriage?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfried has ever been declared a bankrupt, when and what the circumstances were that led up to it?
Should anything that the husband knows to be against his wifes expectancies, beliefs, moals, values and religion be disclosed to the wife?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend is seeing other men at the same time as the husband?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend fails to turn up for a pre arranged date and or repeatedly makes excuses to leave when the husband turns up to surprise her with a visit or date?
Does the wife in fact have any right to know anything about the dating and the girlfriend and if so, how much is she entitled to know and what information is it acceptable to not disclose to the wife?
Input from men would also be appreciated to balance opinion.
I would like to expand the question.....
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfrend has an addiction past or present. Including but not limited to drugs, alcohol, gambeling etc.
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend has a criminal history, what it is, what the penalties are and if there are outstanding charges or pending carges?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend is or has been a prostitute?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend has children who have been taken from her by welfare agencies and the reasons for this?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend has children who currently don't live with her for whatever reason, who may at some point in time come back into her care?
Should it be disclosed to the wfe if the husband and girlfriend are having a pre marrital sexual relationship?
Should it be disclosed to the wfe if the girlfriend is bisexual when the wife is straight and does not wish to have a bisexual sisterwife?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend is a 'swinger' and wishes to carry on 'swinging' after marriage to the husband?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend is asking the husband for money?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend is asking the husand to financialy support her during the dating phase and before any engagement or marriage?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfried has ever been declared a bankrupt, when and what the circumstances were that led up to it?
Should anything that the husband knows to be against his wifes expectancies, beliefs, moals, values and religion be disclosed to the wife?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend is seeing other men at the same time as the husband?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend fails to turn up for a pre arranged date and or repeatedly makes excuses to leave when the husband turns up to surprise her with a visit or date?
Does the wife in fact have any right to know anything about the dating and the girlfriend and if so, how much is she entitled to know and what information is it acceptable to not disclose to the wife?
First off, many of those questions SHOULD be irrelevant! The moment a man finds them to be in play, he should RUN, not walk, to the nearest exit from the relationship!
As for those that remain from this particular list, bear in mind that they are NOT truly private, in that they do and will affect your existing wife's life.
You must have told her that you have come to believe in PM and may well start dating. Else you plan to spring an ungodly big surprise on her someday. "Hey Honey, I'm home. And this is your new sister wife. And she'll be living here, and ..." *wife faints*
Why did you tell first wife? Because it affects her life as well. If your new Sweetie prefers green over red, or Thai food over Italian or lots of such things, that is her business with you. If she's feeling bad over a recent custody related argument with her ex, and wants to cry on your many breast, that's her business as well.
But the fact that there IS an ex, there ARE children and custody battles to be fought as part of her involvement in your family, affects the whole family -- not just you and her. Do you see the difference?
Your existing wife has a right to know what things are affecting or going to affect her life.
On a larger scale, that is why we have a press and freedom of information in government -- so that we the people can gauge the character of our leaders, and prepare for what we see coming at us in world events.
Does a wife in a home deserve any less?
As for those that remain from this particular list, bear in mind that they are NOT truly private, in that they do and will affect your existing wife's life.
You must have told her that you have come to believe in PM and may well start dating. Else you plan to spring an ungodly big surprise on her someday. "Hey Honey, I'm home. And this is your new sister wife. And she'll be living here, and ..." *wife faints*
Why did you tell first wife? Because it affects her life as well. If your new Sweetie prefers green over red, or Thai food over Italian or lots of such things, that is her business with you. If she's feeling bad over a recent custody related argument with her ex, and wants to cry on your many breast, that's her business as well.
But the fact that there IS an ex, there ARE children and custody battles to be fought as part of her involvement in your family, affects the whole family -- not just you and her. Do you see the difference?
Your existing wife has a right to know what things are affecting or going to affect her life.
On a larger scale, that is why we have a press and freedom of information in government -- so that we the people can gauge the character of our leaders, and prepare for what we see coming at us in world events.
Does a wife in a home deserve any less?
inquisitive one
New Member
I was going to ask also, should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend or her children have ongoing health issues that may or may not be a financial burden to the family.
Should the wife be told if the girlfriend has sexually transmitted disease such as hepatitis, HIV/Aids, herpes if the husband and girlfriend practice safe sex?
Do any of the possible issues make a girlfriend unacceptable as a sister wife? If so, which ones and why?Is it Christian or biblical to make that decision and why?
Should the wife be told if the girlfriend has sexually transmitted disease such as hepatitis, HIV/Aids, herpes if the husband and girlfriend practice safe sex?
Do any of the possible issues make a girlfriend unacceptable as a sister wife? If so, which ones and why?Is it Christian or biblical to make that decision and why?
inquisitive one said:
Yes of course, because of the possibilities of transmission, with regard to Herpes it is transmitted skin to skin contact, it is very easy to catch and a person who has a relationship with a person with herpes has a 30% chance to catch it every year. This is why Herpes is so common. If a woman is pregnant or has a compromised immune system than catching Herpes would be very destructive.
B
inquisitive one
New Member
HI and in response to follownghim's post
So are you saying that it is acceptable for the husband to keep secret from his wife, things his girlfriend tells him which have the potential to have an impact on the wife and their family? Otherwise, why the need for secrecy? Is not the husbands first duty to his wife? Her needs? Does God not command that the husband puts his wifes needs above his own?
Does one not, without question, give up ones right to privacy and secrets from ones spouse upon marriage? Why should this be different if there are 2, 3, 4 or more people integrated into one marriage? To my undersanding when one marries into a plural family, one is marrying not only the man but the sisterwife/s also? Hence the name SISTERWIVES. What one of the people in a marriage does (be it whatever number), ultimately affects the others in that family / marriage in some way or another.
I understand the need for some level of privacy but I am speaking in regard to the spcific questions I have posed in my post. Not weather she likes pink nail polish or red, or if she likes a paticular position in sex, which side of the bed she likes to sleep on, but specifically the quesions as I have said, in my post.
Is it not the husbands role when pursuing another woman, for him to fully educate her about polygamy, her role and position within the family and the expectations that not only he, but his wife/wives have of her is she is accepted into the family. If the husband does this in a sensative way then is there any need for secrecy? is it not a very foolish and naieve woman who thinks that she is not going to be discussed with the other wife/wives by the husband? Is it not up to the husband as the head of his family to do these things in his role of leader, protector and provider?
Is it not better for the wife to learn the details from the husband himself about the girlfriend than to learn about it via friends, family, church members, social media and google? If the husband is found by the wife not to have been completely open and honest with her about such an important step in their marriage, how is she to fully trust in him in the future?
In addition to the questions already posed:
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend or her children have a helth issue that could have a finacial impact on the family?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend has an incurabl sexually transmitted disease such as heres, hepatitis, HIV/Aids if the husband and girlfriend are practicing 'safe sex'?
Should it be disclosed to he wfe if the 'girlfriend' has had gender reasignment(sex change)?
Is the privacy between the husband and girlfriend legitimate and valid? Or is the husbands first duty to his wife, to be completely open and honest in all things at all times? For without complete openess and honesty, how can one of the spouses have complete trust in the other spouse? Which of these two takes precidence. The wife or the girlfriend?
Are any of the issues I mention here and in my previous posts that should preclude a girlfriend from joining a family as a wife? If so which ones and why?
Is it Chritian and biblical to make that decision and why?
Some of the specific questions may seem a little absurd to some of you but they are all issues that I have encountered in my own situation.
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So are you saying that it is acceptable for the husband to keep secret from his wife, things his girlfriend tells him which have the potential to have an impact on the wife and their family? Otherwise, why the need for secrecy? Is not the husbands first duty to his wife? Her needs? Does God not command that the husband puts his wifes needs above his own?
Does one not, without question, give up ones right to privacy and secrets from ones spouse upon marriage? Why should this be different if there are 2, 3, 4 or more people integrated into one marriage? To my undersanding when one marries into a plural family, one is marrying not only the man but the sisterwife/s also? Hence the name SISTERWIVES. What one of the people in a marriage does (be it whatever number), ultimately affects the others in that family / marriage in some way or another.
I understand the need for some level of privacy but I am speaking in regard to the spcific questions I have posed in my post. Not weather she likes pink nail polish or red, or if she likes a paticular position in sex, which side of the bed she likes to sleep on, but specifically the quesions as I have said, in my post.
Is it not the husbands role when pursuing another woman, for him to fully educate her about polygamy, her role and position within the family and the expectations that not only he, but his wife/wives have of her is she is accepted into the family. If the husband does this in a sensative way then is there any need for secrecy? is it not a very foolish and naieve woman who thinks that she is not going to be discussed with the other wife/wives by the husband? Is it not up to the husband as the head of his family to do these things in his role of leader, protector and provider?
Is it not better for the wife to learn the details from the husband himself about the girlfriend than to learn about it via friends, family, church members, social media and google? If the husband is found by the wife not to have been completely open and honest with her about such an important step in their marriage, how is she to fully trust in him in the future?
In addition to the questions already posed:
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend or her children have a helth issue that could have a finacial impact on the family?
Should it be disclosed to the wife if the girlfriend has an incurabl sexually transmitted disease such as heres, hepatitis, HIV/Aids if the husband and girlfriend are practicing 'safe sex'?
Should it be disclosed to he wfe if the 'girlfriend' has had gender reasignment(sex change)?
Is the privacy between the husband and girlfriend legitimate and valid? Or is the husbands first duty to his wife, to be completely open and honest in all things at all times? For without complete openess and honesty, how can one of the spouses have complete trust in the other spouse? Which of these two takes precidence. The wife or the girlfriend?
Are any of the issues I mention here and in my previous posts that should preclude a girlfriend from joining a family as a wife? If so which ones and why?
Is it Chritian and biblical to make that decision and why?
Some of the specific questions may seem a little absurd to some of you but they are all issues that I have encountered in my own situation.
inquisitive one
New Member
In response to Isabella
Are we not all equal in the eyes of the Lord? Why should these diseases make the girlfriend any less worthy to us humans if they do not make her less worthy in God's eyes?
Are we not all equal in the eyes of the Lord? Why should these diseases make the girlfriend any less worthy to us humans if they do not make her less worthy in God's eyes?
Inquisitive One:
I'm a bit stunned that you are even ASKING these questions! I wonder ...
Are you trying to trip us up someway?
Are you really so lacking in common sense that the answers are not glaringly obvious?
Are you trying to off load responsibility from yourself?
Is something else in play here that I have not imagined?
We can offer you our opinions all day long and it won't mean nuttin'! You gotta think this stuff through. You gonna do what you gonna do. And you and your family gonna live with the consequences.
Start with the golden rule -- Do unto others what you would want done to you -- then apply your common sense. Get real!
Want a totally Biblical common sense answer to STDs? Here's one:
Folks with highly transmittable diseases were exiled from the camp pre-Christ. Not lovingly left to spread disease willy-nilly. Once Christ appeared, He healed 'em! Once healed they were, of course, free to rejoin general society.
Common Sense says: Go thou and do likewise. If they GOT a transmittable disease, don't put yourself in a position to contract and spread it. However, feel free to get them healed of the disease via one or another healing ministry that has verifiable success doing so. If you are a Christian, that could well simply be you. Once that is verifiably done, move on to the next issue.
I'm a bit stunned that you are even ASKING these questions! I wonder ...
Are you trying to trip us up someway?
Are you really so lacking in common sense that the answers are not glaringly obvious?
Are you trying to off load responsibility from yourself?
Is something else in play here that I have not imagined?
We can offer you our opinions all day long and it won't mean nuttin'! You gotta think this stuff through. You gonna do what you gonna do. And you and your family gonna live with the consequences.
Start with the golden rule -- Do unto others what you would want done to you -- then apply your common sense. Get real!
Want a totally Biblical common sense answer to STDs? Here's one:
Folks with highly transmittable diseases were exiled from the camp pre-Christ. Not lovingly left to spread disease willy-nilly. Once Christ appeared, He healed 'em! Once healed they were, of course, free to rejoin general society.
Common Sense says: Go thou and do likewise. If they GOT a transmittable disease, don't put yourself in a position to contract and spread it. However, feel free to get them healed of the disease via one or another healing ministry that has verifiable success doing so. If you are a Christian, that could well simply be you. Once that is verifiably done, move on to the next issue.
inquisitive one
New Member
Hi Cecilw
Thanks for your commnts. I have to admit that I was lacking in knowledge of
No I am not trying to trip anyone up or offend anyone. These are very real questions that have come up in my situation with looking for a sisterwife that my spouse and I are in disagreement over, that is why we are seeking opinion from like minded Christian people.
The STD's are just one question of many posed. Please don't focus on just this. We would truly appreciate some input on the other issues listed.
I offer my apologies if anyone is offended, but we truly are seeking genuine Chistian answers. Where else can we ask these things of people who understand and accept polygamy as good and acceptabl in God's eyes?
Sincere thanks to all who have made posts, your comments are all valid, appreciated and taken into consideration. Thankyou
Thanks for your commnts. I have to admit that I was lacking in knowledge of
I will follow that up in the bible thankyou.
No I am not trying to trip anyone up or offend anyone. These are very real questions that have come up in my situation with looking for a sisterwife that my spouse and I are in disagreement over, that is why we are seeking opinion from like minded Christian people.
The STD's are just one question of many posed. Please don't focus on just this. We would truly appreciate some input on the other issues listed.
I offer my apologies if anyone is offended, but we truly are seeking genuine Chistian answers. Where else can we ask these things of people who understand and accept polygamy as good and acceptabl in God's eyes?
Sincere thanks to all who have made posts, your comments are all valid, appreciated and taken into consideration. Thankyou
I agree with a couple of the previous responses.
1. As a husband it's my responsibility to protect my existing family. This means I must take care to avoid someone who would directly or indirectly bring harm to my family. (Transmissible std, abusive)
2. I personally would not entertain the idea of pursuing a woman who delves into practices things I believe to be unbiblical. (Swinging)
1. As a husband it's my responsibility to protect my existing family. This means I must take care to avoid someone who would directly or indirectly bring harm to my family. (Transmissible std, abusive)
2. I personally would not entertain the idea of pursuing a woman who delves into practices things I believe to be unbiblical. (Swinging)
I agree with the others that a wife should be told things that will affect her. However there needs to be a clear and open discussion with the girlfriend about this. The girlfriend needs to know she can discuss things in private with you. So if something comes up that does need to be disclosed to the wife, you should clearly state to the girlfriend that you are going to disclose this, then do it. Don't hide things from your wife that will affect her, but at the same time don't betray your girlfriend's trust by secretly telling things to your wife that your girlfriend thought were private. Keep completely up-front with both of them.
So, to answer your specific questions. In my opinion.
Don't even go there:
Pre-maritial sex with the girlfriend. Once you're doing that, consider her a wife...
Swinging
Things that are against the morals and values of the husband.
Sex change. Do you really want to marry a man that calls himself a woman because he had his willy chopped off?
Tell the wife, being open with the girlfriend that you are doing this:
Addictions.
Criminal history.
Prostitution.
Children.
"Bisexuality" (hard to define, it's a state of mind. Be very cautious. Might be better to run.)
Asking for money (more than say $100), expecting financial support.
Past bankruptcy.
Things that are seriously against the morals and values of the wife. I intentionally qualify this with the word "seriously"
When you will be dating, how often (so she can plan), where you will be (emergency contacts for instance).
Health issues with financial implications for the family.
STDs. There's no such thing as "safe" sex, and what the world calls "safe" isn't something you're likely to actually do every single time once you're married...
Keep private:
Considering other men.
Fails to show for a date.
Some of those could arguably be put into a different category, the above was done off the top of my head. If any one of these issues actually exists in a real woman you are considering, pray very carefully about it before making any decision.
Note that there is no word "sister-wives" in scripture. This is a cultural concept only. The marriage is between each wife and her husband, the bible does not define any official relationship between the wives, although obviously they will have a lot to do with each other in reality! So don't base any of your thinking on the term "sister-wives".
So, to answer your specific questions. In my opinion.
Don't even go there:
Pre-maritial sex with the girlfriend. Once you're doing that, consider her a wife...
Swinging
Things that are against the morals and values of the husband.
Sex change. Do you really want to marry a man that calls himself a woman because he had his willy chopped off?
Tell the wife, being open with the girlfriend that you are doing this:
Addictions.
Criminal history.
Prostitution.
Children.
"Bisexuality" (hard to define, it's a state of mind. Be very cautious. Might be better to run.)
Asking for money (more than say $100), expecting financial support.
Past bankruptcy.
Things that are seriously against the morals and values of the wife. I intentionally qualify this with the word "seriously"
When you will be dating, how often (so she can plan), where you will be (emergency contacts for instance).
Health issues with financial implications for the family.
STDs. There's no such thing as "safe" sex, and what the world calls "safe" isn't something you're likely to actually do every single time once you're married...
Keep private:
Considering other men.
Fails to show for a date.
Some of those could arguably be put into a different category, the above was done off the top of my head. If any one of these issues actually exists in a real woman you are considering, pray very carefully about it before making any decision.
Note that there is no word "sister-wives" in scripture. This is a cultural concept only. The marriage is between each wife and her husband, the bible does not define any official relationship between the wives, although obviously they will have a lot to do with each other in reality! So don't base any of your thinking on the term "sister-wives".
inquisitive one said:
I can't answer that as I am not a Christian, however I am not sure where you get the idea that I think she is less worthy because I said that that sort of information should be disclosed to anyone who would be affected by it. Whichever way you look at it, STDs could have a serious impact on one's life and some of them (Herpes being mentioned) are contractable skin to skin so the only safe sex there is not undressing at all or in some cases not kissing as cold sores are a part of the Herpes virus (just in case you are unaware of that).
I would be horrified if I was not notified over a STD.
B