Is it fair?
Is it equal?
This is a question that haunts us. When I was growing up, my parents had certain birthday presents, which were sort of “coming of age” gifts.
At 7 we were each to receive our first bicycle. At 14 we were to receive a stereo. When I turned 7 I did not get my first bike. This was because I was born blind in one eye and my parents thought that at 7 I wasn’t old enough to ride a bike and protect my remaining eye. Was that fair? Was it equal?
At 14 I didn’t receive the stereo that I had been expecting. This time it was because I was overweight. In the 70’s there weren’t any stylish clothes for fat teens, so mom bought me a sewing machine so that I could learn to make my own clothes. Was that fair? Was it equal?
When I was getting ready to graduate from high school, I wanted to get my ears pierced. My father told me that if I did get them pierced, I would have to move out. He later softened that stand and gave me earrings for my graduation gift. I wasn’t 18 yet, so I had to wait until my birthday the following July in order to get my ears pierced, because they would not sign the papers. A few days later, for my little sister’s 13th birthday, she was allowed to pierce her ears. Was that fair? Was that equal?
All of these are examples of situations where fair and equal don’t seem to be in line with each other. I wasn’t treated equally as a child because of certain characteristics about me. But I was treated fairly. They looked at me and saw my needs, and as a result I grew. To this day, I am never far from my sewing machine and have created many wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses, prom dresses, baby clothes, quilts, curtains and other things to make life more beautiful. So in the end, what wasn’t equal was truly fair. And of course, at 7 I didn’t understand how devastating it would be to lose the one eye I had. Now, I look back at all the times I came close to injuring that eye and I realize how truly loved I was to have parents who cared about that even though they knew how hurt I would be over not getting that bike. So again, what wasn’t equal was the fairest thing they could do for me.
And when I graduated from high school, that was equal, but it wasn’t fair. As the elder of the two sisters, it was up to me to break through certain walls. Once those walls were broken down, it was easy for my sister to walk through them. It wouldn’t have made sense for them to make her wait till she was 18 once they saw that it didn’t kill me. So in this case, it wasn’t fair, but it was just.
The point of all of this is that husbands of more than one wife will struggle to be fair and may end up trying to be equal. That isn’t always the right thing. Fair and equal are not always the same thing. Fair is often subjective and based on the opinion of the person who feels they are being treated unfairly. Equal is something that most people try for, not realizing that it might not be fair.
For instance: I have often mentioned that Pastor Randy, T and I have divided up our roles in the home so that Pastor Randy and I work outside of the home and T is the homemaker. The reality of this is that we all get to do what we want, which is fair. Except when you start to think in a worldly manner and then things don’t feel equal. I admitted to Pastor Randy today that sometimes it bothers me that I work for a living and don’t get to spend any of my pay for things that I want. I was beginning to feel a bit resentful. Then he told me that T sometimes resents the fact that she is expected to “serve” us.
When we feel these things, we have lost sight of the big picture. If we look at the big picture and see the vision, then it all makes sense. If I work, we have more money for the fun things we want to do, to help people and to further God’s kingdom. That is pretty noble, compared to the desire to buy a new pair of shoes or some little thing that I might not even remember in a month or two. And if T takes care of the household duties during the week, then that leaves the weekends for all of us to enjoy our time together. In the big picture that seems pretty major, since most of our times of ministry are on weekends and that is when both Pastor Randy and I have time off. The real issue must be respect for each individual in a relationship and never appearing to take the others for granted. Keeping God in focus might make this easier. If we are continually trying to be more like Christ, it will be hard to take others for granted and also it will be harder to feel resentment of the others in our family. I don’t think Christ resented sacrificing himself for us and I know he spent his entire life serving us.
I think that in the end, when we step out of God and back into ourselves, that is when these resentments happen. We are thinking fleshly thoughts rather than Godly thoughts. I keep going back to Philippians 4:11.
Php 4:11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.
I want to learn to be content in whatever situation that I am in.
Any thoughts?
Sweet Lissa
Is it equal?
This is a question that haunts us. When I was growing up, my parents had certain birthday presents, which were sort of “coming of age” gifts.
At 7 we were each to receive our first bicycle. At 14 we were to receive a stereo. When I turned 7 I did not get my first bike. This was because I was born blind in one eye and my parents thought that at 7 I wasn’t old enough to ride a bike and protect my remaining eye. Was that fair? Was it equal?
At 14 I didn’t receive the stereo that I had been expecting. This time it was because I was overweight. In the 70’s there weren’t any stylish clothes for fat teens, so mom bought me a sewing machine so that I could learn to make my own clothes. Was that fair? Was it equal?
When I was getting ready to graduate from high school, I wanted to get my ears pierced. My father told me that if I did get them pierced, I would have to move out. He later softened that stand and gave me earrings for my graduation gift. I wasn’t 18 yet, so I had to wait until my birthday the following July in order to get my ears pierced, because they would not sign the papers. A few days later, for my little sister’s 13th birthday, she was allowed to pierce her ears. Was that fair? Was that equal?
All of these are examples of situations where fair and equal don’t seem to be in line with each other. I wasn’t treated equally as a child because of certain characteristics about me. But I was treated fairly. They looked at me and saw my needs, and as a result I grew. To this day, I am never far from my sewing machine and have created many wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses, prom dresses, baby clothes, quilts, curtains and other things to make life more beautiful. So in the end, what wasn’t equal was truly fair. And of course, at 7 I didn’t understand how devastating it would be to lose the one eye I had. Now, I look back at all the times I came close to injuring that eye and I realize how truly loved I was to have parents who cared about that even though they knew how hurt I would be over not getting that bike. So again, what wasn’t equal was the fairest thing they could do for me.
And when I graduated from high school, that was equal, but it wasn’t fair. As the elder of the two sisters, it was up to me to break through certain walls. Once those walls were broken down, it was easy for my sister to walk through them. It wouldn’t have made sense for them to make her wait till she was 18 once they saw that it didn’t kill me. So in this case, it wasn’t fair, but it was just.
The point of all of this is that husbands of more than one wife will struggle to be fair and may end up trying to be equal. That isn’t always the right thing. Fair and equal are not always the same thing. Fair is often subjective and based on the opinion of the person who feels they are being treated unfairly. Equal is something that most people try for, not realizing that it might not be fair.
For instance: I have often mentioned that Pastor Randy, T and I have divided up our roles in the home so that Pastor Randy and I work outside of the home and T is the homemaker. The reality of this is that we all get to do what we want, which is fair. Except when you start to think in a worldly manner and then things don’t feel equal. I admitted to Pastor Randy today that sometimes it bothers me that I work for a living and don’t get to spend any of my pay for things that I want. I was beginning to feel a bit resentful. Then he told me that T sometimes resents the fact that she is expected to “serve” us.
When we feel these things, we have lost sight of the big picture. If we look at the big picture and see the vision, then it all makes sense. If I work, we have more money for the fun things we want to do, to help people and to further God’s kingdom. That is pretty noble, compared to the desire to buy a new pair of shoes or some little thing that I might not even remember in a month or two. And if T takes care of the household duties during the week, then that leaves the weekends for all of us to enjoy our time together. In the big picture that seems pretty major, since most of our times of ministry are on weekends and that is when both Pastor Randy and I have time off. The real issue must be respect for each individual in a relationship and never appearing to take the others for granted. Keeping God in focus might make this easier. If we are continually trying to be more like Christ, it will be hard to take others for granted and also it will be harder to feel resentment of the others in our family. I don’t think Christ resented sacrificing himself for us and I know he spent his entire life serving us.
I think that in the end, when we step out of God and back into ourselves, that is when these resentments happen. We are thinking fleshly thoughts rather than Godly thoughts. I keep going back to Philippians 4:11.
Php 4:11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.
I want to learn to be content in whatever situation that I am in.
Any thoughts?
Sweet Lissa
Many a kid would HATE their parents today and be in some major therapy after what you went through!! Praise the Lord that you have a plural marriage and The Lord Jesus Christ instead.. 
