There's two things I want to address here, as I can read your post in two different ways.
Firstly, are you concerned about hormonal contraceptives, but not barrier or natural methods? Hormonal contraceptives have a lot of problems with them, including the fact that they can cause an abortion. I would recommend that you don't be on those, there are other options out there for stopping pregnancy if you wish. I can elaborate on this if you want, but short version is to do a search on the Billings Ovulation Method.
Secondly, do you mean not using any form of preventing pregnancy and letting YHWH take complete control of your family size?
This is basically what we do. I get frustrated with how people describe this. For those doing it it's all about how wonderful their little blessings are (and I often say this too, because we get so much flack from people), or for those not doing it they talk about how expensive and impossible it is to raise children and how they're such burdens. Neither of those descriptions are accurate. So, here's the truth, no sugar coating.
It is HARD. I don't have big gaps between my children, even though I've prayed for them. I don't know why, but YHWH wants me to have them really close together. Every time we try to space them out a little bit He takes over and gets me pregnant anyway. Let me give you a run down on just how close my children are.
When James was 5 months old I got pregnant with twins. I then had a miscarriage and lost them both. Once the miscarriage was over I got pregnant the next month. James was 20 months old when Matthew was born.
When Matthew was 7 1/2 months old I got pregnant with Ruth. He was 16 months old and still not walking when Ruth arrived.
When Ruth was 7 1/2 months old I got pregnant with Caleb. When she was 16 months old Caleb was born.
When Caleb was 8 months I got pregnant again, even though we'd decided to try to prevent with natural family planning until he was 12 months. I had a miscarriage again and when that was finished I actually had about a month and a half where I wasn't pregnant or breastfeeding for the only time in the last 10 years. But I got pregnant again pretty quick and had Noah when Caleb was 24 months old. That was one of my hardest pregnancies.
When Noah was 3 months old I got pregnant again with Miriam. I had no time to recover from his pregnancy or birth and my milk dried up due to the pregnancy so I had to put him onto formula and then goats milk. He was 12 months old when Miriam was born.
Having children 12 months apart is incredibly difficult. I lost it, and so Samuel and I decided to prevent but in a way that allowed YHWH a chance to take over if needed. I wanted 2 years without being pregnant, I got 11 months.
When Miriam is 20 months old the baby I am carrying now will be born. I have about a month and a half to go.
YHWH likes to have fun with how he takes over my body and gets me pregnant. For example, one time I was 3 days late for my period, Samuel suggested we go to bed since I could get my period at any moment. That was the night I got pregnant! Or there was the time that I had already ovulated that month and it was over, and we were going away on holiday (sharing a room with the kids...) so we had a quickie before we had to leave, and that's when I got pregnant. Apparently I cannot prevent, no matter how careful we are.
Does it affect our sex life? Yes, absolutely. For a few different reasons. I would love to just have the freedom to do it whenever and not worry about getting pregnant. When I'm pregnant the idea of even wanting to be with my husband goes out the window, and it eventually becomes too painful anyway.
Is there fear? Yes, tonnes of it. Every single time I find out I'm pregnant I totally freak out. I don't want it to be so. I want to go back in time. I don't know how on earth I'm going to handle it. I spend about 3 days crying. Then I totally fall in love with the speck inside of me and am so grateful that I can have children and that I am so blessed to be able to carry them to term and add to our family.
I do not know how I do this, I truly don't. I feel like I am frequently losing it. I am overwhelmed. I struggle to cook healthy meals. I don't have enough time or energy to school the children correctly. But somehow they're all pretty healthy, and they're learning, and when we go out people always compliment me on how well behaved my children are.
I just had another freak out moment and asked Samuel if we could stop having children altogether, or at least make sure we had a larger gap after this one is born. But he said no. I'm upset about that right now. It is his decision, but it's my body and I am so tired.
However, I look at all my children and I love all of them. There isn't one that I wish didn't exist. There isn't one that I'd want to put back. I wouldn't go back and change anything and not have that child in my life. It would be like wishing one of my children were dead. As they get older it gets easier and more beautiful too. For example, Ruth, who is now 6, absolutely LOVES that I'm pregnant. She comes up and hugs my tummy frequently. She talks to the baby. She wants to be there at the birth and even wants to catch him as he comes out (we're going to let her do this if she likes with the help of the midwife). She is so excited talking about holding him and having another baby to care for.
James is now 9 and is very helpful around the house. He can bring in washing from the dryer, wood for both fires, look after his dog etc.
The other children are able to take out compost, bring in wood, do dishes (even if it takes 3 hours...). And I get untold amount of cuddles and love.
One of the biggest problems I have right now is that I need more help around the house, and Samuel is going to step up a bit with that. What frustrates me is that people love to point fingers and say how I shouldn't have so many kids, or that they're a burden, or that I'm crazy and clearly aren't following YHWH. Yet no one offers to help me. People with 2 kids chuck them in daycare and complain that it's so hard having kids, yet I'm at home 24/7 with 6 of them and no time. And it's not even the children that are a burden, it's not the children that are difficult. It's all the other things that need doing.
Genesis 3:16 To the woman he said,
"I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing;
in pain you shall bring forth children.
Your desire shall be contrary to your husband,
but he shall rule over you."
People often quote this as being pain in childBIRTH, but that's not what it says. Childbearing. Pregnancy, labour, birth, breastfeeding, raising, teaching.... It's supposed to be hard.
And here's reality, it's not forever. This is a season. When I walk through a mall with my kids, the old ladies will often come up to me and tell me how wonderful it is that I have 4 or more children (depending on how many are with me). The one regret they have is not having more children. Because 50 years ago they bowed to society and had only 2 or maybe 3 and they hardly see them anymore. So right now it's difficult, but one day I will look back and thank my husband for standing up and leading me, making sure I follow YHWH. And I will never regret any of my children, whether it's 7, or 10, or 20 of them. I'm not collecting cars here, I'm carrying and raising children with souls, children that YHWH brought into this world, children that can lead other people to Him, have children of their own, and make a difference in this world. Each one with a unique personality, a unique outlook on life, a unique way of learning, a unique connection to YHWH, and a unique body. Each one loved and wanted.
