Wednesday, January 18, 2012
There are so many different things to talk about, I’m having difficulty deciding how to begin! A lot of the “issues” going on are displayed by subtle nuances, so we must really be in tune with each other to see the underlying root causes of the problems.
Maybe it will be easier to begin with today, and go backwards in time from there….
Mr. Froggie, Ruth and I all just happen to have today off—and tomorrow too. Mr. Froggie and Ruth also have some things to work on in their own very new marriage. So they arranged to have a date this morning, after the children went to school. After their movie, Ruth was so exhausted she needed a nap, and could not stay awake another minute. I convinced her to go nap in my bed. Mr. Froggie was not yet ready to go to bed, so he asked me to plug in another movie, and I got my own unexpected time with him as well—Bonus!
After our “date,” he decided to take a nap on the couch so he would not disturb Ruth, and also because he wants very much to be able to wake up and support her this afternoon. She has to get up when the kids get home from school, and take one of them to a doctor appointment. He said he would wake up for her, and she did not believe him, making a sarcastic remark to express herself. This shows Mr. Froggie that it does indeed matter to Ruth, therefore, it matters to him as well. He made me promise to wake them both on time, emphasizing again, “It’s important.”
This little exchange, though small, sets the tone for what is happening within our big picture, so now I will take you back to this past Monday evening.
All last week Ruth has does an amazing job of keeping her house relatively neat and tidy, and keeping up on the children to do their part. Then Monday evening I arrived after my own full day of work.
It was a school holiday, so the children had been home all day. Ruth had to work that evening, but was not planning to get any rest, since she did not have childcare for the day. The house looked like a tornado had been through. I looked around and asked Ruth, “You slept today, didn’t you?” She answered that no, she had only gotten a three hour nap, and this is what happened in those three hours. I was shocked and angry, and I let it show. Ruth broke down and began to cry. She was discouraged, overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, tired, depressed, and hormonal to boot. I was angry because the children are plenty old enough to pick up after themselves when they do an activity, make a snack, get dressed, etc. There is no justifiable excuse for them to trash the house the way they did, and in such a short space of just three hours!
Come to find out, through letting Ruth vent and express her feelings, that a big cause of her emotional breakdown at that moment was in fact her personal struggle with getting more parental support from Mr. Froggie. But Ruth has a hard time with communicating her needs and her feelings, and that is one of the reasons she has a poor history with relationships and marriage, in general. The other part of the problem is Mr. Froggie’s work and sleep schedule. When he gets off work in the mornings, he has just ten minutes to see the children before they leave for school—and that is if he rushes straight over to Ruth’s, still in his work uniform. By the time he gets up in the evening to get ready for work, the children are in bed, asleep. So naturally, even though Ruth is now in a marriage relationship, she still feels very much a single parent, and feels very much alone still.
Also during all of this same emotional breakdown, I was walking around picking up clothes off the furniture, handing them to the children to put away. Angie blurted out, “You know, the solution for most people is to just stay away.” I had to think about that statement for a moment, then I asked, “What do you mean—stay away from you, your house, your children?” And she answered, “Yes.” So then I sat down next to her and let her vent then, and that’s when she began to make known her disappointment in Mr. Froggie. Despite me telling her she needed to talk to him about this, she was firm that she would not, could not.
So this is where the veteran sister-wife comes into play. I happen to know, from 20 years of marriage, that communication is vital to success. We absolutely must tell each other how we feel, especially if we want them to step up more in keeping their end of the relationship. Afterall, if we cannot communicate, then we are essentially failing in our own end of the marriage as well! So I had a brief talk with Mr. Froggie that evening, after I had put the children to bed, and before he himself had to go to work. I told him about Ruth’s feelings, and her own refusal to talk, and let him know that it was up to him, as the more experienced partner in the marriage, to initiate the discussion, and help her to communicate her needs.
So Tuesday morning after work, Mr. Froggie went straight over to Ruth’s to help see the children off to school, then stayed to have a talk with Ruth before coming home and going to bed. I did not get to talk with him myself that morning, as he was coming to bed as I was getting up. But last evening when I went over to see the children, Ruth mentioned that she had talked with Mr. Froggie. She said she did not want to, but she did anyway (no doubt at Mr. Froggie’s insistence!) So he is going to try to make a more concentrated effort at making more time for the children, even if it means getting up earlier in the evening.
In fact, Ruth told me that he had said he would “try” to get up earlier last night, and to come over and see her off to work, but she did not believe he would actually make it. She said she would just have to wait and see. Lo and behold, the door opened, and in walks Mr. Froggie! He saw Ruth off to work, then stayed behind with me while I did an arts and crafts activity with the children. One of them remembered at the last minute that she had some reading homework to do, so instead of doing art with us, she sat and read with Daddy.
Another issue that came up, was that the teen daughter had had another distressing blow up with her mother. During that heated heart-to-heart, she stated that she did not like us all spending so much time together, because she knows that we are just going to leave, like everyone else who has ever come into her life. Poor kid, I guess we will just have to wait her out, and perhaps one day when she is grown up and married, with a life of her own, and she sees we are still here, then she will believe us.
However… later that evening, when it was bedtime, Mr. Froggie was excusing himself to go and get ready for work himself. He told the children he needed good night loves, and Teen Daughter was the first one to leap off the couch to collect her hug. LOL.
Then, after the little ones were in bed, as I was leaving, Teen Daughter called out, “Hey!” I turned, and she said, “I love you.” When I returned the sentiment, she asked if I would be back “tomorrow,” which is actually Today now. I told her I wasn’t sure, since it was my day off, and her mother’s also, but I probably would because “I’m addicted to this family.” She smiled and said, “Then I’ll probably see you tomorrow then.”
So that pretty much catches us up. Ruth and Mr. Froggie have gone to pick up the children from school together, since it is snowing, and he will watch the little ones while Ruth takes the other for a doctor appointment. And we will be having dinner together—Ruth had two roasts in the fridge that need to be cooked up, so I went over and got them, and am roasting them here, at my house. Ruth and Mr. Froggie are supposed to have more couple time this evening as well. If I need to go and watch the children so they can, then I will be happy to do that.
One more thing I forgot to add: Ruth told me and Mr. Froggie this morning that she was disappointed in Teen Daughter's boyfriend, because he lied to her about something. But the good that came out of it was that Teen Daughter then stepped forward and told the truth.
When we asked if she had told Teen Daughter she was pleased with her for telling the truth (lying is a behavior problem exhibited by all five of the children, to varying degrees), Ruth admitted she had not. She sounded like it was a burden for her, and when I stated that positive reinforcement is very important, she said, "I know--- you people and your happy-happy-joy-joy!" I mocked her back, saying she was just jealous. Meanwhile, Mr. Froggie is telling me with his eyes that I hit a nerve, and at the same time Ruth admitted, "Yeah, I am."
Apparently there is an underlying "something" in this exchange that speaks volumes, but I haven't quite deciphered it just yet. I do know that expressing pleasure and appreciation for her children seems to be difficult for Ruth, and that is something we need to help her work on, because her children need more positive reinforcement in their lives.
