My stepson is almost 17. I've known him since he was 7. He's never had an chores, responsibilities, or bed time. He basically games, eats and sleeps. On his own schedule. Recently my husband requires he do his laundry...there is no real schedule for that either...basically I complain it smells or bedding hasn't been washed in three months and my husband follows him around saying time to wash..time to dry..3 loads can take over 10 hours! It's wearing me out! I don't get proper rest and litterly his room gets cleaned once a year when I've had enough and force my husband to help me! If I bulk or insist on rules my husband and stepson come against me saying I'm a nag. And other various titles that are demeaning. My husband does not curse..but my stepson does and when he calls me curse words..my husband supports him saying maybe I shouldn't be a "blank" and he wouldn't have to call me that! We've tried counseling..but though it helped..until my husband becomes his father instead of best bud..we are getting no where. Each day it feels more and more like I'm a servant instead of a wife...and an unwanted guest..or pest.
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Support Help with teen stepson
- Thread starter JJ McLaughlin
- Start date
@JJ McLaughlin unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot you can do until your husband starts making and enforcing rules. At this point the best you can do is cope with the situation as best as you can. Try to respectfully talk to your husband in private and tell him this situation isn’t working and that the son needs discipline and responsibility. It’s going to be hard to get him to change. He’s 17 and used to getting his way. This must come from the father. If dad won’t help then you don’t have a lot of recourse. Calmly talk to your husband and explain what your issues are. Don’t yell about it, it won’t help the situation. Cleaning a room once a year is unacceptable and unsanitary. Ask your husband if he can make rules for your son such as cleaning room once a week. Suggest specific things that can be improved. If your husband refuses to make any rules for your son and insists on being his buddy, then you may have to bite your tongue and as best as you can, cheerfully clean the home. I agree the son should be taking responsibility, but you can’t make him at this point. Dad has to take action and enforce some rules with consequences for not doing so. It’s difficult to almost impossible for you to tell a 17 year old what to do and it should be coming from dad anyways. Calmly and rationally talk to your husband and try to make him see the light of day. After you’ve done so, you may have to accept the situation and make the best of it rather than getting bitter. This is very hard. I don’t know if I’ve said anything to help, but I hope you can see improvement in your home and with your son.
Disengage. The father is responsible for the son. You’re going to stress yourself out and not actually effect any change in the situation. While I hate the phrase normally, this is a time to “let go and let God.”
I hate to say this but your husband is the one who sets the expectations and rules. He set those long ago with his son and that's not going to change with your insistence. The young man is 17 and will certainly not change if you insist on it.
You will not change your husband by
- Forcing your husband to help
- Balking
- Insisting on rules
- Insisting on counseling
There are a handful of books that all contribute something positive that might help you make some positive changes. Some of them have parts I don't agree with, so chew around the bad bits and use discernment to listen to the good.
In no particular order, just as they come to mind.
Created to be a Helpmeet - Debi Pearl
Keys to the Kingdom & The Queen's Code - Alison Armstrong
Love and Respect - Emerson Eggerichs
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands - Laura Schlessinger
The important thing to understand is you chose the man you married. You chose his leadership and choices. If you chose to follow him, then do so and ask him how you can be a blessing to him. Ask him how he wants his home to function and how you can help that happen. If that means he wants you to clean his son's room, then do it with a smile and a song.
It's not an easy thing to hear or do. But it is a simple instruction. In the same way servants are instructed to be submissive to their master with all respect, EVEN to unreasonable masters who make you suffer unjustly. In that same way wives are to submit to their husbands. You will win your husband with chaste and respectful behavior, a gentle and quiet spirit, submissive, treating your husband as if he were your lord and master. By being harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind, humble, blessing.
So even if the room is dirty, if that's how your husband wants it, submit, be pure and respectful, gentle and quiet, harmonious and kind. If you don't like it like that, and your husband doesn't want to expect his son to clean it. Ask if you're allowed to clean it for him. If the husband says yes, ask him to inform the son that you will be cleaning the room. That way it gets cleaned every week or daily even! If your husband says no, you're going to have to live with it being harmonious and kind. Maybe rub burts bees on your upper lip so you don't have to smell the room. Or install a febreeze spray outside the boy's sty.
Note that the above advice should actually take a weight off your shoulders and allow you to relax. Hand the problem to your husband.
Now, I disagree that it is entirely his fault. It may be that you would have been able to change the boy when you first met him a decade ago. You've known him for more than half his life, and are no doubt partly at fault in the result of his upbringing.
But "who is at fault" is irrelevant. This won't be solved by finding the right person to blame.
The key point is that you trying to actively manage the situation isn't working. You need a different strategy, and your husband has to lead it. And this is no longer a boy, he's a man now. Treat him like a man.
The solution may be completely different. Maybe he needs a gentle but practical reality change, like "we'll keep feeding you and letting you live here, but from your 18th birthday any other money you need has to be earned by you. No new computer from us." That would force him to, under his own initiative, get a job. And not be a slob so he could get a job. His room might stay a mess, but it will only be a matter of time from then until he moves out entirely, once he's earning his own money. Give it a few years and the problem will disappear, with the right strategic encouragement towards growing up.
Now, I disagree that it is entirely his fault. It may be that you would have been able to change the boy when you first met him a decade ago. You've known him for more than half his life, and are no doubt partly at fault in the result of his upbringing.
But "who is at fault" is irrelevant. This won't be solved by finding the right person to blame.
The key point is that you trying to actively manage the situation isn't working. You need a different strategy, and your husband has to lead it. And this is no longer a boy, he's a man now. Treat him like a man.
The solution may be completely different. Maybe he needs a gentle but practical reality change, like "we'll keep feeding you and letting you live here, but from your 18th birthday any other money you need has to be earned by you. No new computer from us." That would force him to, under his own initiative, get a job. And not be a slob so he could get a job. His room might stay a mess, but it will only be a matter of time from then until he moves out entirely, once he's earning his own money. Give it a few years and the problem will disappear, with the right strategic encouragement towards growing up.
The difficulty with respect to changing his behavior and character is that he should have been raised Very differently from the word go.
Not a criticism, just a statement.
My own technique is harsh but quite loving. If they mess up then they should be called on it Immediately. Depending on the infraction there may be an ass chewing. At minimum a stern explanation of the the wrong behavior and my expectations for his behavior and Why. It is important that children understand Why it is they are being tod they screwed up.
If a child needs to be punished then it should be immediate and then it be done and over.
Just as important though is watching for good behavior and acknowledging that good behavior and reinforcing it with an atta' boy of various descriptions.
Just from the brief description, it doesn't sound like your husband is likely to pull the boy up short and cause him to reconsider his role and the family expectations for his behavior.
Not a criticism, just a statement.
My own technique is harsh but quite loving. If they mess up then they should be called on it Immediately. Depending on the infraction there may be an ass chewing. At minimum a stern explanation of the the wrong behavior and my expectations for his behavior and Why. It is important that children understand Why it is they are being tod they screwed up.
If a child needs to be punished then it should be immediate and then it be done and over.
Just as important though is watching for good behavior and acknowledging that good behavior and reinforcing it with an atta' boy of various descriptions.
Just from the brief description, it doesn't sound like your husband is likely to pull the boy up short and cause him to reconsider his role and the family expectations for his behavior.
A practical illustration: My 16-year-old has been procrastinating about getting his drivers' licence. I kept reminding him to read the road code and do practice tests, and he just wouldn't do anything unless told. So I gave up on that, and instead gave him a deadline date after which I will stop driving him places, and promised to not mention his drivers licence again unless he brought it up himself - but equally reliably promised that I really will not be driving him anywhere from that date. This substantially changed his attitude and he's actually spent far more time preparing for his licence test ever since, with me not mentioning it at all. Whether he actually meets the deadline remains to be seen - I am rather skeptical, I expect he's going to miss it and get the natural consequences of missing out on things he wants to do for a month or two, but if it happens that will be good for him to learn from. The biggest thing is that I have been able to completely stop nagging, and the tone of discussion in the house and our own personal relationship has substantially improved ever since I adopted this different approach.
I don't wish to come across as harsh and uncaring in my comments so please read them with understanding.
The young man's whole foundation is wrong and the parents have failed to put the correct foundation in place. But you can't change history so you have to deal with the present.
It's NOT the son's room - unless of course he owns the house or pays the rent. Wake up people! Whoever owns the house or pays the rent calls the shots. Anyone who doesn't like the rules finds their own accommodation elsewhere.
The husband/father is in authority. Whatever he says, goes. If it is in agreement with Scripture, there's no debate. If he has given approval for his son to be a pig, that's the husband/father's right. The son isn't in disobedience for being the pig his father has given him permission to be.
Get clear written instructions from your husband as to how he wants the house kept. Know what you are required to do then do it, serving joyfully as unto the Lord. Respect your husband for who he is before God, and seek to be the best wife he could ever want. If it's appropriate, ask your husband to read a chapter from Proverbs each day for the family and to pray for you all.
Proverbs 21:9 Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop,
Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
It occurred to me that this has bothered you for years and you have been making your opinion known all along.
Your husband may have been feeling some need to be his son’s friend and protect him at some level. The circumstances of the child losing his mother may enter into the equation, maybe your husband feels some guilt, and thus the, perhaps subconsciously, need to compensate or protect.
What isn’t in question is that the situation has split the family and created a you vs them situation. Your husband has taken his side.
Your immediate need, from my perspective, is to digest the advice that the others have given and figure out how to be for, and one with, your husband in all of this.
Your marriage needs to be what is important, not whether or not you are right or the kid is wrong, or your husband is wrong.
I would suggest starting with a heartfelt repentance to the both of them for whatever you may have done over the years to contribute to their resistance to acting appropriately in this situation. Your husband has made it clear that he disagrees with the pressure that you have exerted, he may resent what he perceives as interference on your part with his raising of his own kid. Maybe you have been slightly ahead of the decisions that he would have made over the years and you became the focus, rather than the training of the child. Being reactive is always easier than being proactive.
But at this point it doesn’t matter who is wrong, for the sake of your marriage you need to figure out how to become a supportive wife in the midst of a frustrating situation.
Your husband may have been feeling some need to be his son’s friend and protect him at some level. The circumstances of the child losing his mother may enter into the equation, maybe your husband feels some guilt, and thus the, perhaps subconsciously, need to compensate or protect.
What isn’t in question is that the situation has split the family and created a you vs them situation. Your husband has taken his side.
Your immediate need, from my perspective, is to digest the advice that the others have given and figure out how to be for, and one with, your husband in all of this.
Your marriage needs to be what is important, not whether or not you are right or the kid is wrong, or your husband is wrong.
I would suggest starting with a heartfelt repentance to the both of them for whatever you may have done over the years to contribute to their resistance to acting appropriately in this situation. Your husband has made it clear that he disagrees with the pressure that you have exerted, he may resent what he perceives as interference on your part with his raising of his own kid. Maybe you have been slightly ahead of the decisions that he would have made over the years and you became the focus, rather than the training of the child. Being reactive is always easier than being proactive.
But at this point it doesn’t matter who is wrong, for the sake of your marriage you need to figure out how to become a supportive wife in the midst of a frustrating situation.