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How do you deal with the "concerned friend"?

redfox

redfox

Member
I have a friend who, by reason of deduction, eventually figured out our living situation. We knew it was only a matter of time, as SW was babysitting for the family who were friends of ours from the church we stopped attending.

A little background, the wife of that family has... issues. She's a closet feminist (as in she doesn't really realize how deeply feminist she really is), she had abuse issues growing up and has a general distrust of men, and also has a sociology degree. A bad combination if you ask me. She is nice, and she has improved over the last several years that we've known her, but she's still very insecure, as well as very very controlling in her family structure.

So, she figured out SW was preggy after she started showing, and our friend decided to "confront" her about it. Now, because SW is terrified of just about anyone she doesn't know well, she freaked out and said probably quite a bit more than she should have. Which is fine, it would have been figured out eventually, however, some of the things she said didn't really help the situation.

So our friend, decided that SW has been coerced into this (which really is the opposite in many ways, but that's another story :) ), and kept offering refuge from this "bad" situation. After SW left, our friend kept calling her and leaving messages that she could come be "safe" at her house, that she didn't have to stay here, etc. SW eventually left her a message back saying that she doesn't mind watching the kids, but she won't discuss her personal life with our friend. Our friend didn't call back after that ;)

Fast forward a few weeks, and our friend finally decides to call me. Says the same thing... offers refuge, tells me that I am being abused and that I don't have to live like this, hubby is very wrong, etc. I tried to tell her I am not being abused, that while I wasn't thrilled at first it's not so bad now, I had every choice to leave and chose not to, etc. She wouldn't hear any of it. As she puts it, she "knows in her heart" that this is wrong, and that I shouldn't have to do this, and that it's going to damage our children too. I tried supporting with scripture, and her only response was "I'm not a biblical scholar", and wouldn't really listen to anything.

As it stands, she's incredibly uncomfortable with our situation. She will most likely end the friendship. I told her that I don't want to lose her friendship, but that if her only goal during our conversations after this will be to convince me that I need to leave my husband, then we won't have much to talk about. At this point, she is taking some time to process things, and will call me when she's ready, whenever that might be. I know for sure she told our former priest, but we haven't heard from him (not surprising though), and I don't think at this point she will try to call the police or CPS. I wouldn't discount it, but I don't think she'll do that. I know from what she told me that she feels the need to "do" something, but I think that stems from her past issues, not to mention her control issues. To put it bluntly, she's a hormonal feminist who just had a baby and can't handle that two women would choose to be in such an abusive relationship. Even though both women are saying they're not abused and that they chose it. She can't comprehend it.

So anyway... How do you deal with someone like that? Is it better to just cut ourselves off completely? Or do we try to talk to her? Dh has thought about talking to the hubby, but in my opinion he's not the head of that household and will probably be unable to reason with her at all. I'm just at a loss. I wouldn't say she was my best friend by any stretch, but we were good friends, and our daughters played together on occasion too. I hate to lose the friend for my daughter, but she hasn't let my daughter come over in several months, so I'm guessing she doesn't want her daughter influenced by mine, or some silly thing.
 
I would suggest that you invite her out for a cup of coffee or to do a little shopping. Take both of you out of your homes and meet somewhere neutral. As you talk her questions will inevitably come out and you will have the opportunity to express your side of the situation. Don't go beyond answering her questions and trying to "justify" your choice of marriage, let her come to you with her questions. It is natural to want others to understand and give them information overload, but this can prevent them from having the time as you say "to digest" the information; one bite at a time is sufficient. The more exposure she has to you in a neutral and friendly environment the more she will realize by your actions that you are happy. She will become more receptive the more she spends time with you. You cannot change her, you have to allow her time to be exposed to you and observe you for her to realize that it is not the situation she believes it to be. Just be her friend and when she asks questions answer them thoughtfully and offer additional information for her to read at a later time. Remember, you have a friendship and you can build on it; as in all friendships growth comes from exposure to each other over time. You are the friend and must help her to overcome her ignorance, she can choose to accept your friendship and build upon it or reject your friendship. Her response to you over time will tell you what her decision is, the only decision you need to make is to decide if you are willing to work at being her friend.

Some plant...some water...and some reap...
 
That was wonderful advice Scarecrow, Kudos!!!
 
Normal tactics really don't work well with her. She doesn't like leaving her children with anyone unless she absolutely has to, and now the only babysitter she was comfortable with she won't call anymore. Even leaving her children with her hubby is not ideal to her. Like I said.... issues ;)

She really doesn't have any questions. She doesn't want to know why I believe what I believe, she just "knows" it's wrong. She's emotional about it, so logic and reason will not get through. She can't believe that I wasn't forced into this, therefore I must have been because she never would have allowed it in her own life.

I told her I didn't feel any need to change her opinion, and told her I understood where she was coming from, having believed that way myself at one point. But I did ask that she accept me as I am and that I have made the choices I've made, and she's not really interested in that because it would always "be there" bugging her. She really can't handle issues very well, and this is definitely bringing that to light...

At this point, I doubt she'd even go out for coffee or whatever with me, it would be "too much" for her to deal with.
 
Redfox, if she is as oppositional as you say she is, than I don't see what you can possibly do than get used to the idea that you no longer have that friendship. Her 'issues' are not your problem, so if she doesn't have a babysitter than that is her tough luck, if she is not willing to listen, give her space, don't contact her, perhaps she will be willing to talk eventually but I don't see the point in fretting about it.
 
So sorry, Redfox. I agree with Isabella. Scarecrow's advice would be wonderful if you were dealing with a rational being. Unfortunately, some folks get advanced sociology degrees to lend credibility to their emotion based irrationality! This sounds like a prime case -- "Don't reason with me. I KNOW!"

*Warning: Warped sense of humor kicking in ...* Perhaps you should find an appropriate merchant and get the biggest pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs you can find, with a matching soft mostly-for-looks whip. Then the three of you -- you and SW garishly handcuffed together, and DH with the whip slung over his shoulder -- could go and pay a visit, offering her her own home as a safe place of refuge from the hot and heavy "abuse" going on at your place... Doesn't seem like anything else is going to get through anyway. Might as well have some fun and make a story worth retelling! ;)

Be sure to take smelling salts. :lol:
 
Lol! She would probably faint ;)
 
{insert thinking smiley here}

Hehe :)
 
Redfox,

I have a similar situation with a life long friend although I am currently the only wife.
I have left the situation in Gd's hands and am praying for her to come to an understanding on her own because I know there is nothing I can do or say that will change her mind.
If the situation with your daughter and hers is something you would want to "fix", I would consider telling her that you hope that this situation does not interfere with their friendship, and if you think it would work for your situation I would suggest that it would be good for your daughter to have a friend whose family is not practicing PM. This might help your friend's need to "do" something about your situation.
Most definitely lift this situation up in prayer to find how the Lord would want you to handle this. I will pray for you as well.

I think the hardest part of accepting PM is having those you care for, reject you over your acceptance.
 
CecilW said:
Unfortunately, some folks get advanced sociology degrees to lend credibility to their emotion based irrationality!
Click to expand...

Cecil...Ironically, it was my college Sociology classes that really exposed me to polygyny. I was able to study, explore and discuss it openly for the first time. I eventually came to love it. :)

redfox said:
Normal tactics really don't work well with her
Click to expand...

Let her know you love her and you value her friendship...then stand back and allow her to make her own decision. :)
Blessings,
Fairlight
 
Scarecrow, man, brother what a great piece of counsel there. I know in this particular circumstance it may not work but that is relational theology in practice if I have ever seen it. Splendid.
 
Fairlight said:
Cecil...Ironically, it was my college Sociology classes that really exposed me to polygyny. I was able to study, explore and discuss it openly for the first time. I eventually came to love it. :)
Click to expand...

Oh, sure! Didn't mean to knock Sociology! I'm a Psych major myself. All very helpful IF we come to it with right attitudes. Sadly, dangerous when warped folks get ahold of it and cite it as support for their own twisted agendas, or to defend their own wrong actions, 'stead of 'fessing up, sayin' "Sorry!", and making amends.

As you might guess, I've got a number of current and past instances in mind, from my own knowledge or experience, on both sides of that coin. So overall, I'm glad for the field of research, as it has provided lots of understanding to lots of puzzled folks, including you and I.

Unfortunately, in this particular instance, this friend sounds like a prime example of the Chinese proverb, "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing." *sigh*
 
Wow, redfox, it sounds like we have the same "friend", LOL! I went through a similar situation (although I don't have a SW) over a year ago with a lot of friends all at the same time. It was pretty hurtful at the time, mostly because I couldn't stop them from talking about our family behind our backs. I don't handle rejection or conflict well, especially since they could organize it and I just had to wing-it when it came to defending myself or getting the truth about my beliefs out there instead of the mangled rumors and twisted attacks. I felt defensless, until I realized that I didn't have to be in the fight at all. I finally told the head "concerned friend" that it would probably be best if she did not contact me anymore since things were getting hurtful. My children and I did lose quite a few friendships, but now it isn't as bad as I thought it was. We're better off without the stress. I do run into them occasionally around town. I feared it for a long time, but it's not weird anymore. Not for me, anyway. Thankfully, I have some friends that are ok with it.

I hope that you have peace during this situation and that your relationship with your SW will be strengthened by it. Sometimes you just have to let people go. Forgiveness is freedom. If she still wants to carry her burden, you can't stop her.
 
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