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How does one handle jealousy and other emotions?

W

wifeone

New Member
Hello!

My husband & I have just discovered the biblical truths about polygamy. We both agree that it is a lifestyle we would like to live and feel called to do so. But I am having some emotional issues with it. I get excited when I think of having a sister wife. It makes me happy to think about someone else who will be helping me to love my husband. We had found someone who was going to join our family. But I'm not sure if it is going to happen now, b/c I think I scared her off. When it really came down to it, and I saw how much my husband fell in love with her and wanted to spend time with her, I didn't handle it well. I began to feel forgotten, and inadequate. I began to worry that I would never be able to make my husband that happy ever again. I know he loves us both. But I feared that he enjoyed me less and preferred me less. I became so emotional that I would have break downs and just cry and cry... I don't understand myself! I love this lifestyle and I want to live it so badly! I was the one who brought it up to my husband! But now I just can't seem to shake all of these emotions and fears of not being the woman in the forefront of my husbands mind anymore. Am I extremely jealous? Do I have serious attachment issues? I don't even want to think about the possibility of my husband going away on a honeymoon with another woman! I can't help but to feel so pitiful and left out! I have even prayed for them both to have a wonderful relationship together. When I am with them I think that their love for each other is beautiful and I root them on. But if I am not there or if I can't hear a phone conversation, I start to feel jealous. It's like I'm OK if I am present for everything. But I can't handle it if I'm not. I feel so left out. I'm used to doing everything with my husband. I can't be their stalker! I know my husband loves me. But it's like I keep forgetting that he does. How do I handle this?

Thanks for any input,
Wife1
 
Hello,
This is a real problem with many first wives I believe. My husband is courting a potential sister-wife right now so I can
understand your feelings. I've been through all those feelings myself. Some days I feel real good about it and am excited thinking
about having a sister-wife but other days I feel worried & jealous. I believe all these emotions are normal and part of the package
when a couple decide to have a polygamist marriage. I have to keep reminding myself that I agreed to this too and that I really do believe
that polygamy is a Biblical marriage. Some times I have to give myself a little "pep" talk and remind myself that my husband does love me
and he's not going to leave me and that I can't be selfish. Sharing our husbands with another wife is a very selfless, sacrificing thing to do.
I know issues will come up and at times I will feel worried & jealous but before my husband marries another woman I have to know
that I am committed to this 100%. I think also open communication is sooo important. When we have those days when we are feeling bad
we need to feel comfortable enough to tell our husbands and they need to be understanding of that and spend some extra loving time with us
during those times. Feel free to e-mail me if you'd want to talk more. my e-mail is tlfhlf@verizon.net. God Bless,
Heidi Lee
 
Hi Heidi,

I'm not sure if you'll take what I'm saying seriously because I'm not a polygamist and don't believe that it is a good thing, but I would at least like to try to explain why I think you're feeling the way you are.

Having been with the same guy for over 5 yrs and shared him with no one, I am used to the notion of being the only one to make him happy (from an emotional and intimate perspective.) You're used to your relationship being the two of you and no one else. The success of your relationship has been the result of only the two of you.

So, now you've decided to have someone else enter the picture. Of course you'd be feeling this way, why would you not? You're human, right? He's gaining a partner, you're gaining..well I'm not really sure. From what I've been reading, a polygamous marriage has a different form than that of a monogamous one. Husbands and wives must see each other and their purpose differently than you do when it's just the two of you - because it's no longer about the two of you now. If you think about why you're making this choice, you have to know yourself well enough to understand whether the benefits of polygamy will be greater than what you have now.

Sara
 
Hi Sara,
I agree with you that when a couple enters into a polygamist marriage they have to see each other differently.
You're right, it's no longer just the two of them and it's not just about me & my feelings. All the emotions I described in
my last post I believe are normal for a first wife to go through. I believe having a poly mind set is a process and
a couple has to work through that process before entering into a plural marriage. Even though I have days here
and there of feeling "jealous" I do really believe that polygamy is Biblical but know it's not for every one.
My husband & I really do feel "called" into this. I know that may sound "corny" but it's true.
It does not sound like you agree and are called into it at the moment and that's o.k. It's not for everyone.
Heidi Lee
 
Hi everyone,
I have been in a poly relationship for over a year now. Together, we have experienced all of these emotions. The good news is that they lessen over time. As you grow to love your sisterwife and you grow to trust her and them in their new relationship, these feelings will become less and less. You will begin to anticipate hearing the stories of the fun they had and you will anticipate telling your stories as well.

The "natural" feelings are just that.... Natural. But Christ is encouraging us to become supernatural.

There are many things going on right now. Some of it you can control, but a lot you cannot.

1. He is going (or will be going) through a "honeymoon phase" with the new woman. That is enough to make anyone jealous. During this time I would advise you first wives to be as good to yourself as you possibly can. Treat yourself to something you have not allowed yourself before. Maybe a massage or a special hairdo. Maybe go see a movie or even go away to visit family or friends for the weekend. That will help you curb your "left out" feelings.

2. You are believing the replacement lie. The reality is your husband loves you and has loved you for a long time. The new woman will feel threatened by that because of your shared history. The reality is that your husband still wants you as much or more than ever. This new woman will NEVER replace you.
She is feeling all of these emotions too, from the "second wife" point of view.

3. The best advice I can give you right now is to take the initiative and spend time getting to know the woman. Especially if you know that your husband is in love with her. Don't put him in the position of having to choose one of you over the other. He cannot do it and you will end up making him less of a man. If it was in his nature to choose between you, he would have already done it. By putting him in an impossible position you will harm him and yourself. You have agreed to this relationship and you can't really go back on your word without doing grave damage to him, her and yourself. So instead, reach out to her. Be honest with her. Try to undo the damage that has been done and start fresh trying to get to know her.

You can start by saying something like..." I know we got off on the wrong foot. I know it must confuse you so I want us to spend some time together so you can get to know me as I really am, not that freak you saw the other day..."

It is okay to be vulnerable with this woman. She will likely see you at your worst through the years and you will see her at her worst. That is when you know that you really love and care for someone. If you can yell at them or be yelled at them one day and still look them in the eye the next day.

Jealousy is an ugly emotion, based out of our fears that someone is getting something that we want. If you feel jealousy, pray it away. Concentrate on the wonderful things there are in your relationship. Count your blessings and be happy that you have both of them in your life. Your husband was not designed to fulfill all of our needs. God is supposed to fulfill them all, but sisters are great additions to the mix. Your husband wasn't designed for talking for hours, chick flicks and endless shopping. Your sister was. Enjoy her for all that she is. Encourage her to be the best that she can be and take encouragment from her when you can.

This is not a competition this is a team. It isn't about grabbing all you can get, but giving as much as you can give. You cannot outgive God. Not in money, time, love or anything else that he has for us. Give all your love away and you will find yourself so full of love that you have to let some go.

Keep in touch. Please feel free to PM me or anyone else if you need to talk privately. That is what we are here for.

In Christ's love and service

Sweet Lissa
 
Hi Heidi,

You're right, I'm not called to polygamy. Forgetting the fact that you're called into it for religious reasons, you're still having feelings about it because you're human and a woman. I was just responding from a human being's perspective - we all have feelings to which we're entitled. If you need to do something for a religious calling, you're still going to have feelings about it.

Sara
 
Hello Everyone,
The only thing that I can say is pray , pray and well pray.. giggles..... It's not something that is going to happen overnight and the longer you think and pray about it, the easier it becomes.
The Chaplain and I are not living poly as of yet but we do have someone picked out. She has been my best friend for almost as long as The Chaplain and I have been married. We have seen each other through thick and thin, good and bad and everything in between. I think a main problem is not that I don't trust them when they are alone , its just that I am not there with them and feel left out. I not only have to share a husband but a best friend too. The two people who know me better than I do myself at times.

Open communication with your husband and yourself and of course when a new wife comes into play is a must also. How does he know what I am feeling if I don't tell him? If he doesn't hear me or pay attention to me then I have to learn to express it on a level that he can understand. Ladies our husbands can not always read our minds , right?

I also try to put myself in her shoes and her in mine. What if I were the one who was being offered a chance of entering a marriage between my bestest friend and her godly husband? How would I react to it? Would I run as fast and as far away as I could our would I embrace the idea with my whole heart and jump right in or would I be somewhere in the middle?
Even though most of us on her now realize that it is biblical for our man to have more than one wife, it's not because of a religious belief that we feel we have to meet or do to be saved or a better Christian. We do it because we do love our husbands and we love our future wife/sisterwife. In a nutshell it's all about a simple four letter word... L O V E!!!

Saying all of that I must add that I know it will not be smooth sailing and I am not looking at this with rose colored glasses
God gave us a heart to love others and if both you and your husband have found another woman you can both love and want to share your lives with you have found something that is a true treasure. If you and your husband or boyfriend are not remotely interested in adding another wife to your family and you are happy with how things are in your life then you have also found a true treasure.
 
Hi, I am new to this community but I have been on other plural marriage lists. My name is Rivkah and we have just become a plural marriage 2 weeks ago. I am so relieved that this subject was posted because I feel like I am reading about myself. I realized that I am being attacked by jealousy a few days ago and I have been a believer in Messiah for a long time. So that does not make me feel good. I would have thought that I can handle it better, but I guess not. In my opinion I can only overcome these issues through prayer and submitting myself to YHWH. We chose to marry a sister-wife because we agreed that YHWH was calling us to do it. His will but not mine be done.
 
This may be one of the best studies that I have seen on the subject. I hadn't even finished reading it when I saw this last entry on the thread, but it certainly is apropos:


http://home.sprynet.com/~jbwwhite/JEALOUSYBW.html


As a practical matter, all I would add is that there is no doubt, Biblically or practically, how corrosive jealousy is. I would suggest that it is probably helpful to work on compassion as well; think of how the other wife must feel. (IOW, for the second wife, concerns of security, public perception, and so on take precedence over the emotions the first wife might obviously feel. "She's the REAL wife", becomes the lie repeated by the Spirit of Jealousy to HER.)

Prayer is of course indispensable, so that all in the House may come into true submission to Him, and His will.

Blessings,

Mark
 
Ouch! Sorry, Ladies...


I just NOW realized that this was in "Ladies Only".

The "View Active Topics" trap strikes again. :oops:
 
Mark C,
How dare you patrol this section, let alone post here! I would never do either of those things! By the way, can anyone help with this log? Eye patches are so not attractive.
 
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