I'm Not Enough

Discussion in 'Family Issues' started by FollowingHim2, Feb 24, 2017.

  1. FollowingHim2

    FollowingHim2 Esteemed Member Female

    This is kind of following on from a discussion on another thread, and the thoughts I've had about it. Although this post is aimed mostly at woman, I've put it in Family Issues for reasons that will become clear, and also so men can comment on it.
    Disclaimer: I'm not currently in, nor have I ever been in, a plural marriage. I'm going off theory here, and I'm learning all the time. So if you have experience in PM and I'm wrong then please speak up!

    One of the things that first wives struggle with when introduced to the idea of PM is that they are not enough. I know I thought it many times. It's understandable giving the society we were raised in, and it's completely normal to have those doubts and anxiety at first. I'm wondering though if the reason we're having them is because we're coming from the wrong place.

    What if as women we're seeing a second wife as competition, instead of as a member of the family?
    I often relate this back to children, because it's a good illustration and it's one I understand well.
    We don't have more children because the previous children weren't enough. We have more children because we love children and because we want to expand our family. Future siblings are not competition for previous siblings, they are simply a new part of the family and they all bring their unique characteristics, their strengths and their weaknesses.

    Here's another illustration. Husband's elderly grandmother is struggling to pay rent on her place and is getting older and needs a little bit of extra care. So, husband moves her in to the house he shares with his wife and two children.
    The grandmother is thankful to get the extra care she needs, she also helps in her own unique ways. She's amazing at making pies, much better than the wife. She can knit clothes for the children, and is teaching the daughter how to knit. She knows all sorts of stories and poems off the top of her head and can keep the children entertained for hours. She plays music all the time around the house that the family had never listened to before, and they discover they really like it.
    The wife also discovers that since she has an extra pair of hands around the house she can get more done, and also spend more time with her children. Since she has more time and the children are now in school, she can get a part time job. After school the children can go home to the grandmother, so she can work later if need be. She also often comes home to a cooked meal for dinner.
    The grandmother is happy to have a family again. She was alone and needed some company. She adores her great grandchildren and is happy to look after them whenever needed. She loves everyone with food. She is also very thankful to not be alone for most of the day since she knows she is getting older and has health conditions that could flare up.

    Together this family are working as a team. They are ALL a family. The grandmother is not an extra. She is not competition either. There are benefits to both women. They argue too, and they need to work out how to get along and what the household structure should be. The husband is good at helping with this if needed.
    So, tell me what the difference is between this situation, and a sister wife? Sex and age. That's it.
    What if it's not the grandmother, but the husband's sister who needs a house and a family to be a part of? We've removed age. Still the sister is a part of the family, right?
    So does it all boil down to sex? Is that the one thing that we really feel we are not enough in? I have covered some of that on another thread, because it's often the first thought that women have. But is it sex that makes it suddenly a 'competition' and not a 'family'?
    What if we really thought of a SW as a new family member like a newborn baby or an elderly family member? Would we leave the house if things weren't going well? Would we throw her out? Or would we love her like we love family, knowing that they're not perfect, but they're a part of our life and structure and that it's never going to perfect?
  2. Sonshine

    Sonshine Well-Known Member Female

    Yup. That's the pit I fall into. I'm desperately trying to see my way out.

    Honestly, you have the right idea on all of this. But, I think, for me personally, it comes down to MORE than sex. It's sharing that one-on-one married couple CLOSENESS. Not just sex. Don't get me wrong, sex is a HUGE part of that.

    But, for me, it comes down to that one person you can lean on and trust above all others. We have been that for each other. All the other close relationships in our lives never touched that. Not even close. Outside of God, we'd always put each other first. Share our secrets, our desires, things that no one else would ever know.

    The thought of losing a little bit of THAT--on TOP of the sexual intimacy--scares me. It's losing my best friend.

    You really do have a solid point here, though, Sarah. :) Thank you for this.
  3. FollowingHim2

    FollowingHim2 Esteemed Member Female

    I fully understand what you mean here. Samuel and I are super close too, and it's about intimacy, closeness, love. I have never had a friend as close as him. We've been through so much together. We know each other inside out. And to be honest, the idea of him having that with someone else is difficult to get my head around, it's something I will have to deal with at the time I think.
    Are you finding that you are losing that closeness though? Or are you just afraid that you will? Could he not be that close with the both of you while having it not affect one another?
    JustAGuy likes this.
  4. WifeOfHisYouth

    WifeOfHisYouth Well-Known Member Female

    I can totally relate to @ChristineP post. Lately I have been struggling with the idea of losing that closeness too. Like I don't know how to balance being willing to share my deepest hearts desires/ secrets to my husband when he will not be able to do the same. Sure he can share some things, but when a
    sw comes into play he will have to be guarded and not able to share everything with me. In return that makes me want to hold back and not in trust my all to him. That lack closeness emotionally then plays into the closeness physically.
    JustAGuy likes this.
  5. Joleneakamama

    Joleneakamama Well-Known Member Female

    I can very much relate to this, as my husband and I have that kind of relationship as well. Words fail me in defining what we share, or how much I love him.

    I have been very pro poly for many years now, and have had time to work through or process a lot.
    I know too that we are all different, so I am only sharing in hopes of offering another way to see it.

    You know that old saying offered as a solace to mothers who's children are marrying "You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a son"?
    I hope to have a sisterwife someday, because I believe I could build a close, intimate friendship with her, and I would love another best friend for life. What you both have learned in your successful marriage can help you in any future relationship with a sisterwife.
    Kids often had clubs way back when (Little Rascals and Our Gang for example ) in marriage believers should be equally yolked, so not everyone will qualify, but if God sees fit to bring such a woman, you could find yourself blessed with another loved one, who understands you on a deeper level then a regular friend....because she would understand your husband, life and children in ways others could not.
    My husband is very private, (but has great people skills) and most people will never share in his/our private life.
    I realize that it is super hard to imagine a sisterwife in your life when she is a faceless concept, with no personality, but for me it was just as hard to imagine having a husband, before I met him.

    Back to the club idea for a second. Imagine how lonely it was without your hubby, when you were a "club of one", and think of all you gained by being willing to trust and love him. Could the reward be worth the risk to have more support, and another you can share with?

    It's easy to live without polygyny, or to decide your life is perfectly wonderful without it, when you are happily married. After all dating is not what most ultimately want, it is a means to an end. When you have someone you are happy with, why bother and risk pain, rejection, and failure? For me it is because I empathise with women who are in a "club of one, " I have had a friend and an aunt die single virgins at 42, and 56.
    I have so much, and finding a single woman interested in poly is so rare, I cannot imagine saying no to an opportunity to expand our family. Trusting my hubby is easy, as we both only want God's will for our lives.
    I really believe the one thing people should have before any marriage is confidence in God's leading. If you ever start to doubt, it is already over, but you can get through anything else together.

    Just my thoughts peiced together all day long.
    JustAGuy, Mojo, Lili and 1 other person like this.
  6. Lili

    Lili Well-Known Member Female

    @WifeOfHisYouth I struggle with the same idea as a third wife! I have never had the intimacy of a monogamous relationship, yet I can get VERY bothered by the idea that my husband can't confide everything to me.

    I try to remember that I benefit from his "secrecy" (ugly word but I couldn't think of a better one) as well as my sister wives do. He keeps our confidence because he loves and respects us, and they are just as deserving of a loyal husband as I am.
  7. mystic

    mystic Well-Known Member Male

  8. Sonshine

    Sonshine Well-Known Member Female

    Honestly, Sarah, I don't know. This is me being completely transparent right now and saying that, I don't think I've given him a chance to SEE if I'll lose that closeness. I tend to choose the "flight" in "fight or flight". I still struggle with, if I even start to FEEL a distance there, I pull away.
    I HAVE gotten better, because I can see how much it hurts him, and I really don't want to do that. But, my natural inclination is to feel like I'm not wanted. So, I pull away. I'm left wondering if I gave him a chance, maybe he'd do wonderfully.
    I really have so much fear of being hurt. It's ridiculous. Because, he's really a pretty remarkable man. It's entirely possibly that he could be that close with both of us.

    THIIIIIIIS. SO. MUCH. THIS. It's so hard for me to want to give him all of me when I feel like I'm NOT going to be getting all of him anymore. Like, I want to even the playing field. Which, I know sounds horrible. Because, 1. It's not a game, and 2. I don't want to manipulate him like that. But, honestly, it's the thought of giving my whole heart to a man that gave me his and then took some away. It makes EVERYTHING else so much more painful.

    You are so much more selfless than I. I mean it. I think this is my holdup. There are all of these wonderful benefits for a woman coming in, and I'm being so selfish as to withhold that because of my FEELINGS. You humble me, Jolene. And this is where I need God to grow me. And, maybe that's what's already happening and why this whole thing is just so stinkin' painful. :)
    Yup! She would absolutely deserve the same discretion (great word choice, mystic) that I would. You are 100% correct! It's getting myself to WANT her to have that...That's the road I'm on. :/
  9. Verifyveritas76

    Verifyveritas76 Moderator Staff Member Male

    This has been a great thread. Thanks everybody for being transparent. It's pretty obvious to me that there has been a lot of growing going on. Those growing pains sometimes hurt so badly, but in the end, when we look back and see how much more like HIM we are, the results are worth the pain much like childbirth. (Obviously spoken from a guys perspective)
    FollowingHim2 and Sonshine like this.
  10. Joleneakamama

    Joleneakamama Well-Known Member Female

    I really must disagree here, and correct certain misconceptions about me.
    From my perspective, since I like the idea of a sisterwife, and have since the idea first came up for us, I see myself as just a different kind of selfish. (Seriously!)

    I think sometimes we have a lot to offer a single woman, and then I rethink that because most modern women probably wouldn't want to live an old fashioned rural life.
    In the busy season I have so much to do that I almost have to schedule my showers, and waking up with my hubby is a luxury that is rarely afforded. A single gal would probably think I was off my rocker crazy for having 8 children, and wouldn't understand many of our choices. To appreciate our family a single gal would need to WANT the country life, LIKE animals and gardening, WANT a large family and to teach her own children, and actually enjoy hard work. A woman like that might be a fit for our family, and like our lifestyle....but I haven't met any single gals like that.....And married ones are not an option.
    I should run a personal add somewhere titled "Country wife seeks job share" because unless she was totally and completely self sentered and lazy, she would be welcome, and would probably make my life easier......but really, only God knows, and He sure hasn't seen fit to provide another wife, so that must mean its best as it is.
    JustAGuy, Sonshine and FollowingHim2 like this.
  11. Joleneakamama

    Joleneakamama Well-Known Member Female

    I hope I didn't offend anyone with the post above.
    I intended to point out that since we are each unique, comparisons are not really fair to either party, and that some of the reasons I'm for polygyny are likely just my brand of selfishness......but I am running super busy, I'm short on sleep, and tact and diplomacy (or even basic sensitivity) were never my strong points to begin with. So if something I wrote came of badly, please forgive me.
    JustAGuy and NetWatchR like this.
  12. FollowingHim2

    FollowingHim2 Esteemed Member Female

    Not at all Jolene! I've been sick lately, and very very busy, so I haven't had the time or brain power to read and comment on a number of posts that I intend on getting to. I'm hoping to get around to it tomorrow, but then I've been hoping that for the last few days...
    Sonshine and Joleneakamama like this.
  13. Joleneakamama

    Joleneakamama Well-Known Member Female

    And just for clarity (since I'm still sleep deprived and operating at a limited, sub-par level) I liked your post because you were kind and reassuring, not because you have been super busy and sick. :)

    Moms don't often get time off, just some times that are soo darned busy that the normal dull roar pace seems easy in comparison.

    I hope you get feeling better soon FH2.
    I'm sending good wishes and cyber hugs.
    FollowingHim2 likes this.
  14. Sonshine

    Sonshine Well-Known Member Female

    Jolene, please don't take MY not responding to in ANY way lead you to believe I had issues, either. :) I really do have a difficult time getting on here regularly. Life is just kind of a constant state of crazy in our house.

    With that said, thank you for your candor, in your post. One of the reasons I keep coming back here and why I hope to get to know you all better is because of how REAL you all seem. It's something that I hold in very high regard. :)
    JustAGuy likes this.
  15. Mojo

    Mojo Esteemed Member Male

    We're all REAL....just a little crazy for either seriously considering this life, or engaging in it :eek:
    (Little humor to lighten your load today)
    mommyof4ms and Sonshine like this.
  16. FollowingHim2

    FollowingHim2 Esteemed Member Female

    Ok, this is something that you can work on. I know, because I have. Sometimes I feel like I talk about me too much, but I'm giving real world examples of what I've been through and how I've gotten to the other side, so I kind of have to, lol.
    I have always had a tendency to pull away and 'fly' as well. When I had my first miscarriage I was so upset and I knew that I was most likely going to run from YHWH. Instead I made a conscious effort not to. I deliberately turned to Him. In doing this I grew much closer to Him and learned that He wanted us to leave our family size up to Him, which is a pretty big lifestyle choice that we have made. Samuel was already there, just waiting for me to catch up, which I wouldn't have done unless I'd spent that time getting closer to YHWH.
    Then over the years things got hard. Life got difficult for a variety of reasons. I had another miscarriage and felt like I was being punished. I was in a very bad place. I chose to not have a relationship with YHWH anymore. I couldn't feel Him, I didn't see any point in praying anymore. I said to Samuel that I didn't want to have anything to do with YHWH any more, but that I knew He was still real and I would still follow Him because He had asked me to do something, I believed He was Holy, and I'm stubborn in my beliefs.
    What followed was an insanely difficult few years. I felt like YHWH had left me before I'd left Him. I would try to find Him again and I'd feel nothing. Then, I made my way back. That story is too long for this post, but it was a conscious decision I made. In doing so I discovered something pretty radical. When I thought I was alone, I never was. When I thought He'd left me, He never had. He was always there. He was still blessing me.
    Now I am hugely close to YHWH, and I wish I had more alone time to spend with Him. I feel him when I pray. Sometimes I get a Holy Spirit high as we call it! I have had prophetic dreams. I've had prayers answered. I've received words for other people as well as for Samuel and I. I've received direction for our lives. My life is completely different. My Spirit is completely different. I am so much happier.
    So, fight or flight? Flight doesn't work. Every time I've run things have only gotten worse. But turning around my pain and coming closer to that which upsets me has made a huge difference.
    What if you applied this to your marriage? What if instead of being upset that you will lose closeness, you instead make a decision to become closer to your husband? If he hurts you, turn towards him. If he seems to pull away, then pull him back. Because I can guarantee that like YHWH was with me, your husband is not setting out to hurt you, and he will never leave you. Even if you feel like he's pulled away, he will always be by your side.
  17. Verifyveritas76

    Verifyveritas76 Moderator Staff Member Male

    There's just not enough ways to like your last post @FH2
    FollowingHim2 likes this.
  18. Sonshine

    Sonshine Well-Known Member Female

    Sarah, you're amazing! :) And, right now, when it comes to YHWH, I'm focusing a LOT of attention on THAT relationship. I know that if my relationship with HIM is stronger, my other relationships can be too! :)
    mommyof4ms and FollowingHim2 like this.
  19. Vanessa

    Vanessa New Member Female

  20. Vanessa

    Vanessa New Member Female

    wow thank you for that! you are so right, We as humans always gravitate to what is negative, but if i purpose to do the oppisite with God's help this can be the begining of a a amazing relationship with my Savior!:bible: I have a lot to learn but God is God when He speaks through others, Well He is always good!:cross::D