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In the middle..

K

kacylynn

Member
Real Person
Hi all, not sure if I am posting this in the right forum, but here goes... without going into too much detail, DH and SW-to-be are fighting a lot lately. I'm not even sure what some of the arguments are about and I have a hunch a lot of it is due to the extremely stressful family situation we are going through right now. Thankfully I am getting along well with both but it is hard not to feel like I am stuck in the middle when they fight. Any advice from those who have been there, done that would be SO appreciated. I feel like this relationship is definitely forcing me to learn something new everyday!! :)
Kacy
 
Kacy,

I know you "feel" like you are in the middle of the conflict but as you said it really doesn't have anything to do with you. It is a difficult thing to leave your husband and SW to work things out on their own. It is their marriage after all! I am such a "fixer" that it takes a conscience decision to leave it to my husband and to God to help it all get worked out. Prayer for them is good, but I am sure you are doing that. I have found that for me being a good listener for them both without bias or condemnation is the best thing I can do. I can only encourage them to see the truth in the matter and pray for them. We can't be responsible for others behaviors, we can only be responsible for our actions and attitudes.

I know your heart wants the best for them, that makes all the difference in my opinion.

Julieb
 
Couldn't agree more. Remember the concept of "bubbles".

It was easy (relatively) when it was just you and DH. 1 bubble.

Now there are 4 in the family at the marriage level.
** You and DH -- sounds like it's ok.
** You and SW -- also sounds ok.
** DH and SW -- troubled just now.
** You and DH and SW when all are together -- ???

The goal is to keep the TROUBLE within the one bubble, and not spill over as trouble into the others. The others can be sources of comfort and support but must not be allowed to become TROUBLED as a result of the disturbance in the one.

How? "Guys, I love you both. I'll listen and feedback if you like. But this is YOUR issue or set of issues. Ultimately, you two have to work them out. I'm praying for ya. Love ya *kiss*. Good luck!"

All of which just said the same thing, I think, that Julie did. Just differently. :)
 
Great advice Julie and Cecil.

Cec, I absolutely LOVE the bubbles analogy.

Kacy, one thing I add as a caution for you not to do: do not gang up on one or the other. Keep your emotions in check when dealing with either of the two and don't allow yourself to be pulled to one side or the other (I guess this is the same thing Cec said). Just be careful not to let yourself be put in that position of ganging up on one or the other of them.
 
Oh sure, Cecil, bringing out the Bubble analogy.....I knew I should have had an analogy! Great thoughts there for sure.

CB, what do you mean no ganging up? N and I feel there is DEFINITELY a use for that! :lol:

Julieb
 
Well Julie, I think there MAY be times when it is a good tool. ;) Just don't use that tool when you are angry. I guess that is where I was going with that. It can be a very difficult thing to stay out of and a difficult thing to be in the middle of if you do.
 
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