Clearly a man can desire a wife and pursue her. Clearly that pursuit can also be incorrect and a distraction from God. The question is simply, how do we know what the line is between righteous pursuit and worldly desire? (ie "lust", which refers to far more than just sexual attraction). I think that Scarecrow has a very good point that can help us to see where that line is:
Personally, I feel that as long as our focus is on wanting a woman simply for the sake of having a woman (e.g. companionship, sexual desire, practical domestic help in ways that would be simply convenient and desirable rather than necessary), then we are at risk of getting distracted from our mission and making a woman / marriage an idol. This way of thinking can cause us to spend hundreds of hours on internet dating websites and the like, taking time we could have been spending on more Godly pursuits.
However, if our focus is on the work that we are doing for God and we desire a woman principally as a helper to achieve a greater purpose, then our focus is correctly on God first and the woman second, and this is a healthy desire. We will still look for her, but only alongside the greater work that we are doing, and as a secondary focus that does not take our eyes off our primary job. And if God intends for us to have her, He will bring her along.
Just looking for a wife is not wrong. Wives are great, nothing wrong with looking for them. But if that's our primary focus in life, we'll be missing something greater. So the search itself is not wrong - but if it distracts us from a greater calling, the distraction is wrong.
I spent years looking for a wife, then I ran into Sarah in an area of life I hadn't been looking, never asked her out, we just both realised we were together when we were still talking at 5am in the lounge of her flat one day because neither of us wanted me to drive home. She was mine, and that was just the way it was! Now I'm not claiming this is how God will provide every single wife, He works in many different ways, and there is nothing wrong with searching. But since He can provide a wife even when we aren't looking, we don't need to make looking our primary focus. Our primary focus must be on Him.
We also need to be careful about the situations we put ourselves in to keep our focus on God. For instance, I know of a man working to bring prostitutes out of the industry in a third-world country and provide them the Gospel and true provision. It would be unwise for a man to work in that area if their focus was on finding a wife (ie either as a single man, or a married man who accepted polygamy), because they would look at every single woman as a potential wife, and would be distracted from the mission by their personal lust - while justifying this with the honest thought that they really, truly, could help these women by marrying them - but could ultimately let their lust take them into an undesirable situation. To work in this area, a man's focus needs to be on the mission first and foremost - and then God may choose to tell them to take one of these women as their wife. Meaning that the ideal worker in that mission may actually be a married man who is an avowed monogamist, who maintains that view until God shoves a woman in his face and the appropriate biblical understanding at the same moment in time. However, a man who knows personally that he could not maintain that focus and avoid temptation, may still be able to help with that mission by supporting it financially - and his focus can be on earning funds to help women he is not dealing with personally. And maybe one day God will bring one of those women to him (e.g., he might prompt her to seek out the donor that supported the mission that rescued her) - but in that case it would be God's doing. Each man needs to be very aware of his own personal abilities AND WEAKNESSES, and then work for God in ways that allow him to maintain a focus on God's work first and foremost.
Yes, it is good to desire a wife, because a wife is a good thing. However, it is far more important to desire to work for God. He has a plan for us for our lives, that involves doing His work - spreading the Gospel, supporting others financially who are doing so, supporting His Church. So why are we desiring a wife?
Personally, I feel that as long as our focus is on wanting a woman simply for the sake of having a woman (e.g. companionship, sexual desire, practical domestic help in ways that would be simply convenient and desirable rather than necessary), then we are at risk of getting distracted from our mission and making a woman / marriage an idol. This way of thinking can cause us to spend hundreds of hours on internet dating websites and the like, taking time we could have been spending on more Godly pursuits.
However, if our focus is on the work that we are doing for God and we desire a woman principally as a helper to achieve a greater purpose, then our focus is correctly on God first and the woman second, and this is a healthy desire. We will still look for her, but only alongside the greater work that we are doing, and as a secondary focus that does not take our eyes off our primary job. And if God intends for us to have her, He will bring her along.
Just looking for a wife is not wrong. Wives are great, nothing wrong with looking for them. But if that's our primary focus in life, we'll be missing something greater. So the search itself is not wrong - but if it distracts us from a greater calling, the distraction is wrong.
I spent years looking for a wife, then I ran into Sarah in an area of life I hadn't been looking, never asked her out, we just both realised we were together when we were still talking at 5am in the lounge of her flat one day because neither of us wanted me to drive home. She was mine, and that was just the way it was! Now I'm not claiming this is how God will provide every single wife, He works in many different ways, and there is nothing wrong with searching. But since He can provide a wife even when we aren't looking, we don't need to make looking our primary focus. Our primary focus must be on Him.
We also need to be careful about the situations we put ourselves in to keep our focus on God. For instance, I know of a man working to bring prostitutes out of the industry in a third-world country and provide them the Gospel and true provision. It would be unwise for a man to work in that area if their focus was on finding a wife (ie either as a single man, or a married man who accepted polygamy), because they would look at every single woman as a potential wife, and would be distracted from the mission by their personal lust - while justifying this with the honest thought that they really, truly, could help these women by marrying them - but could ultimately let their lust take them into an undesirable situation. To work in this area, a man's focus needs to be on the mission first and foremost - and then God may choose to tell them to take one of these women as their wife. Meaning that the ideal worker in that mission may actually be a married man who is an avowed monogamist, who maintains that view until God shoves a woman in his face and the appropriate biblical understanding at the same moment in time. However, a man who knows personally that he could not maintain that focus and avoid temptation, may still be able to help with that mission by supporting it financially - and his focus can be on earning funds to help women he is not dealing with personally. And maybe one day God will bring one of those women to him (e.g., he might prompt her to seek out the donor that supported the mission that rescued her) - but in that case it would be God's doing. Each man needs to be very aware of his own personal abilities AND WEAKNESSES, and then work for God in ways that allow him to maintain a focus on God's work first and foremost.
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