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Is the story of your life: "eaten alive by women?"

D

DiscipleOfChrist

Member
Ok I know that's provocative. But, it is a concern of mine, as sometimes I feel a message that that's just what a man is supposed to expect, albeit in terms of how noble it is.

My thing for a long time about marriage is: God gave Adam a "suitable helper." That was after he was already working in the garden

And with a "suitable helper", if the end result is: the entire direction of your time and strength got completely consumed by the "helper," something went wrong. My expectation for the intended result, as I believe on faith that God didn't mess up when He made a suitable helper, is: she enhances him in the purposes that he had in the first place. Of course she needs some of her own maintenance, but the original mission should still have a NET GAIN. Like if you get an assistant at work, the intention is that the original thing that you're doing is enhanced.

I think this attracts women too: a man on a mission, passion, fire in his belly for a cause that she feels fulfilled to be a part of. Proverbs 31 makes me think of a brave woman: "she laughs at the time to come", "strength and dignity are her clothing," "she does not eat the bread of idleness," etc.

But again, yes, I get that a wife needs attention, which is great. Making a woman happy is wonderful, feels like conquering the world (or of course, what I think that's like).

While we talk about enduring a marriage like a notch on the belt for some kind of fulfilling task accomplished, what I'm interested in is: how has a net positive worked out with the blessing of a "suitable helper"? Does more than one increase the net gain?
 
My helper is outside cutting up hybrid willow sticks for sale while I'm inside working on an Expert Council segment answer for a podcast and finishing up a writeup for a client. Then when she's done with processing all of those cuttings, she'll come inside to get some supper ready for the boys and get some ingredients for a couple cocktails tonight while I get the charcoal ready for grilling. Then she's going to go get done up and lookin fine for our supper. Then a little while after that she'll be helping me with some other things.

Yes, a good helpmeet is a blessing and a net gain indeed. If I had two, I'd be having twice as much fun tonight, and I'd have someone helping finish this writeup so I could be on the tractor moving some dirt right now. Boy howdy, I've been resisting God on the idea of two wives for years now but typing this all out sure does make it sound more like a load of fun. Hmmmmmm :cool:
 
NickF said:
My helper is outside cutting up hybrid willow sticks for sale while I'm inside working on an Expert Council segment answer for a podcast and finishing up a writeup for a client. Then when she's done with processing all of those cuttings, she'll come inside to get some supper ready for the boys and get some ingredients for a couple cocktails tonight while I get the charcoal ready for grilling. Then she's going to go get done up and lookin fine for our supper. Then a little while after that she'll be helping me with some other things.

Yes, a good helpmeet is a blessing and a net gain indeed. If I had two, I'd be having twice as much fun tonight, and I'd have someone helping finish this writeup so I could be on the tractor moving some dirt right now. Boy howdy, I've been resisting God on the idea of two wives for years now but typing this all out sure does make it sound more like a load of fun. Hmmmmmm :cool:
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Nick,
Our Master has given you one very great blessing as a helpmeet. It is good that you recognize this, and appreciate the wonderful blessing of God found in your wife.

May you always delight in her love, being completely satisfied in Christ alone, and yet also fully enjoying all that His loving hands provide.

Jesus Christ is the exceedingly generous Master. Should He be pleased to also give you a second wife, I pray that she will be as great of a blessing as the first, and that there will be a wonderful synergistic outcome in your home. I pray that she would also be a great help to you as you seek to serve, honor, and glorify our King.
 
MeganC said:
I'm rather interested in why you chose this phrase for a title. Do you have examples of this in mind?
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I'd say I know of examples galore.

I happened to refer to my observation in another thread that I see time and time again that clearly results in the realties such as: the overwhelming majority of Christian media (books, blogs, YouTube, etc.) is from women. And, men's ministries from/for men are PATHETIC compared to those for women. And the reason is clearly because it's the woman, almost every time, who has extra time to invest in such things. So often, more generally, you see a man doing his job that's high paying but detached from input into culture and society (everything from labor to STEM fields, as opposed to jobs like teaching, psychology), and it's really the wife who actually gets to pursue what looks a lot more like a dream job she picked because she actually likes it more than its profitability, like even something in the arts.

Yes, I see it time and time again where a husband is clearly the wage slave, and the woman is actually the one who has a mission in life besides making money -- or at least, her capacity to do so utterly dwarfs his into insignificance. And, as I explained, that's what we see, large scale. Of course, he also has to pay attention to his relationship, which isn't a small thing.

My whole life I've seen married men just brag about the whole labor of love, how great it is, what a notch on the belt, and how they've been married for "x" many years and how they're veterans who know more than someone who hasn't achieved that sheer accomplishment, calling it a "successful marriage."

When I think of God giving Adam a "suitable helper," I'm thinking: this is garbage. The whole concept of faith in God tells me to believe in His word over that. I'll be encouraged about a "successful marriage" when someone has a testimony of a marriage resulting in a NET GAIN for the thing he himself had set out to do in the first place. Some people would grandstand and say that's "selfish" and that losing everything is honorable and self-sacrificing, but despite that, no: God gave Adam a "suitable helper," not someone to turn the purposes of his time and energy upside-down. As he loves his wife as himself, to be sure, it's about enhancing the mission.

I have interests in polygyny for an unusual reason, that I'm more interested in the door being left open for an ex to return (however unlikely that may be). My trepidation for it, though, is based on what I've seen happen even with just one wife, let alone several. To be fair, some of it is also biblical as Paul talks about both a man and woman's interests being divided between devotion to God and spouse (1 Corinthians 7:32-34 ) which clearly doubles if a man has two wives. If a man has more than one, the change seems complicated, because on the other hand, he has an extra "suitable helper," while on the other, he doubled the "interests are divided" issue, right? That's why I'm interested in how that plays out with polygyny.

I think NickF got the point and has an encouraging testimony though, so I'm thankful for that!

And . . . maybe an overlong reply there, kind of redundant, but it's been prominent on my mind lately on a few levels, as one might likely see.
 
DiscipleOfChrist said:
because on the other hand, he has an extra "suitable helper," while on the other, he doubled the "interests are divided" issue, right?
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Expound on this divided interests issue as you see it.

If I am close to your mark and meaning... A suitable helper does not have divided interests from the one being helped. If I'm a carpenter, and I hire a helper who doesn't want to be on the job actually helping me build what I'm building, then the helper is fired and replaced with a suitable helper who actually wants to help me. I don't know how a helper could be suitable and not helping the master fulfill the mission.
 
NickF said:
Expound on this divided interests issue as you see it.

If I am close to your mark and meaning... A suitable helper does not have divided interests from the one being helped. If I'm a carpenter, and I hire a helper who doesn't want to be on the job actually helping me build what I'm building, then the helper is fired and replaced with a suitable helper who actually wants to help me. I don't know how a helper could be suitable and not helping the master fulfill the mission.
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I hope you can tell that that's exactly my idealistic viewpoint as well. That's exactly what I think should charge the relationship between a man and his wife.

A woman who just looks for the richest man and only thinks "provide and protect" is a girl (though of course a man should do those things like he does for himself as Scripture states). A woman who looks for a man with the sense of mission with courage and bravery is a woman: "strength and dignity are her clothing." The Proverbs 31 even says it plainly: "she does him good, not harm, all the days of her life." I can't imagine that "harm" disincludes hindering a man's passionate mission; I mean, if a man of God could be characterized anything, it's the Lord's servant, so she would increase that cause according to His perfect design. I often say, one thing that a man should consider when reading Proverbs 31 is, this is also (in many ways) what a man should be like towards God.

I think it's for real, too. My experience tells me that it's really common for women to be attracted even to a man in a rough financial place when they see that drive, which warms my heart.

I'm referring to this passage and I'll explain what I have in mind:

1 Corinthians 7:32-34

32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.

So there is NOTHING inherently offensive about this, don't get me wrong (has nothing to do with anything that anyone does right or wrong), but, a wife is also a person just like a man is and so comes from her own individual point of view that needs consideration. If I wanted to repaint the inside of my house, I would absolutely make the decision with her because she has her own independent person has her own preferences, inevitably. I can imagine that actually more than doubling with two wives: what if two of us like one color, but the other one hates it? In my opinion, I cannot fail to show consideration, and I know that there are methods for making such interactions as easy as possible. Again, I'm not saying that this is some dreadful offensive thing by ANY means and doesn't mean anyone is doing something wrong: however, taking consideration is something that I see requires direct attention.

But, my take isn't the important part, so before anyone shoots the messenger here, by all means, I'm just as interested in anyone else's description of the Scripture that I referenced, and I'd ask for the benefit of the doubt that I am an idealist as far as God's designs are concerned.
 
DiscipleOfChrist said:
I hope you can tell that that's exactly my idealistic viewpoint as well. That's exactly what I think should charge the relationship between a man and his wife.
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It should be fairly obvious in the early stages of meeting a woman (before she becomes a wife) whether or not she is wanting to be a help or hindrance to a guy. If the guy and the woman aren't on the same page and in the same Book at kick-off, why start a journey that's destined to be just another statistic in the failure's column?
NickF said:
A suitable helper does not have divided interests from the one being helped. If I'm a carpenter, and I hire a helper who doesn't want to be on the job actually helping me build what I'm building, then the helper is fired and replaced with a suitable helper who actually wants to help me. I don't know how a helper could be suitable and not helping the master fulfill the mission.
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Is the failure to properly scrutinize a potential helper the reason for the sad divorce stats among Christians? I mean, how is it we're doing no better statistically than non-Christians at firing and replacing helpers?
 
frederick said:
Is the failure to properly scrutinize a potential helper the reason for the sad divorce stats among Christians? I mean, how is it we're doing no better statistically than non-Christians at firing and replacing helpers?
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That’s complex. Yes it’s a failure in the man to recognize and choose someone who is trained to be a good helper. It’s a failure in society for training young women to be self centered princesses. It’s a failure in fathers who raise daughters to fail in life. It’s a failure in husbands to wash their wives, iron out the wrinkles, and mend the blemishes. @CatieF was far and above a better wife when I married her at 17 (the legal age in my state) than most 30+ women. But she was still not a stellar wife.

We men need to be good husbands, teaching and training them HOW to be a good helper. I was TERRIBLE, and I’m still failing every day to exemplify my standards for what a good husband is and does.

A man can marry a sub-par woman and turn her into a wonderful wife. He can marry a wonderful young woman and ruin her.

Like I said, it’s complex. Choosing a 20 year old with a body count of 25, who is completely self absorbed, who wants nothing but her own desires met will not be an easy person to turn into a glorious bride without spot or wrinkle or blemish. It’s much easier to start out with one who has a meek and quiet spirit, who desires to be married, love her husband, serve his needs, bear his children, and help him succeed.

Is it just a simple failure to pick well? No. But choosing well is far more likely to result in a good outcome. Stack the odds in your favor as much as possible. Even God couldn’t get His first two wives to act right with a couple thousand years of effort.
 
I believe the description in Genesis because in fact my wife is a helper to me, but I'm going to say something according to what I understood from your question, which is an explanation I've seen elsewhere. Since Adam decided to obey Eve, man has been condemned to have this tendency to want to obey and satisfy his wife, under her eternal dissatisfaction. I believe that before sin, the man/woman dynamic was fully practiced without problems.
 
frederick said:
It should be fairly obvious in the early stages of meeting a woman (before she becomes a wife) whether or not she is wanting to be a help or hindrance to a guy. If the guy and the woman aren't on the same page and in the same Book at kick-off, why start a journey that's destined to be just another statistic in the failure's column?
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A lot of people read the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" thinking they were getting solid Biblical advice. It really backfired on them.

frederick said:
Is the failure to properly scrutinize a potential helper the reason for the sad divorce stats among Christians? I mean, how is it we're doing no better statistically than non-Christians at firing and replacing helpers?
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That and a lack of undying committment.
 
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