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It Starts With Our Children

FollowingHim2

FollowingHim2

Women's Ministry
Staff member
Real Person
Female
We were given a box of children's books. There is a book about a mother who is having another baby, this is an excerpt from it.

At home, Neela and Mum talk about the new baby.
"Will you still love me when the new baby is born?" asks Neela.
"Yes," says Mum.
"I'll always love you."
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This is an example of what society thinks will happen when you have more children. The first one will feel unloved and worried that the new baby is going to take their place.
Neela in this book is about 3 years old. When I look at my 3 year old I know there is no way on earth that she would ever think on her own that if I had another baby I might not love her as much. In fact, there's nothing that she could think of that would happen or she could do that would possibly take away my love for her. It's just not how small children think. The only reason one would say that is because they've already got it into their head from somewhere else. Perhaps an adult said "Don't worry, Mum will love you just the same." and puts the thought into her head that perhaps Mum wouldn't love her as much.

Our children were never jealous when another child came along. I never assumed they would be. I never told them I would love them even though they had a new sibling. I never spent time talking with them about how the new baby was going to take all of my time, but it's OK, I still love them.

The theme in this book is throughout other books, and children's shows. Recently we were watching Angelina Ballerina, and my 4 year old was so upset watching it because Angelina was upset that her parents were spending so much time looking after the baby that she ran away. It had never crossed his mind that that would be a problem before, and he's a sensitive child, so the idea was horrible to him.
At the end of the episode. Angelina's parents explain to her that they still love her very much and everyone is happy (and the newborn baby is rolling, laughing and crawling...sigh. Cartoons are stupid). But it shouldn't be something that needs to be explained.

Now, how does this relate to plural marriage? Well, how we teach our children right from the beginning, is important to how they approach things when they're older. What they're being taught is that if someone that loves them loves someone else, they might not love them as much. We put that fear into them from 2-3 years old. Then they grow up and get married, and the man falls in love with another woman, and the first wife thinks it's not possible that he will love them both just as much. And probably she doesn't really know where that fear comes from, and it comes from when she was 2 years old and her Grandmother hugged her and told her that she knew that she was having a grumpy day because she felt like her parents loved her new baby brother more.

For some reason, society has this thing going on where you can only love one person at a time. And so, apparently I shouldn't be able to love all 7 of my children equally, but I can tell you I do, because love only grows and is multiplied. We have much to teach our children about how not to follow society, and much to teach them about plural marriage. And it starts when they're toddlers. Lets not put the thought into their head that love is halved when another sibling comes along. Lets not expect them to be jealous of a new sibling. When jealousy is allowed to foster at a young age, it will only be expanded upon as an adult.
 
The green eye'd monster is real, some children get jealous. It's usually a thing in the youngest child and not all of ours had it; probably a personality thing. And they were young enough I know it wasn't because me or some cartoon (no tv) put it in their head. Jealousy is an instinctual reaction.

However, I think if more children came from big families there were be less of an issue about single wives accepting polygamy. It's hard to be self centered when there is a dozen of you but easy when there is just one or two. Far too many parents cow-tow to their children, spending all their time catering to their every want, rather than training them and instilling discipline.

But it is wise to be discerning about what media our children consume. Children's books these days are just as full of propagandistic garbage as the TV is; worse even. And don't get me started on Libraries.
 
While I fully agree it starts with our children, the battle is life-long. It is a battle for the mind and that battle will continue until it's a mind in a glorified body. So much kids stuff is bad but it doesn't get any better with all the garbage that's out there for adults. A husband/father is to be the protector of his family but many are failing, and what we are seeing in families and society is the evidence of that failure being worked out. Kids need to be protected, as do wives, and it's a godly man who will be there to protect. He needs to be that godly protector as he leads his family down the narrow path. Thanks for the thoughts and insights @FollowingHim2.
 
rockfox said:
The green eye'd monster is real, some children get jealous. It's usually a thing in the youngest child and not all of ours had it; probably a personality thing. And they were young enough I know it wasn't because me or some cartoon (no tv) put it in their head. Jealousy is an instinctual reaction.
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I agree. My youngest daughter was very jealous over her newborn baby brother, but not because she wanted my attention, but because she wanted to hold him and love on him 24/7 and wouldn't let me feed him without throwing a massive tantrum on the floor, lol. She does tend to have that streak of being jealous and not sharing as well, but it's never about love. She never feels unloved.


rockfox said:
However, I think if more children came from big families there were be less of an issue about single wives accepting polygamy. It's hard to be self centered when there is a dozen of you but easy when there is just one or two. Far too many parents cow-tow to their children, spending all their time catering to their every want, rather than training them and instilling discipline.
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I think it's a large family thing too, I see the same calmness in other children from large families. But I'm not sure it's just about the size of the family, as it is the parenting styles of those with more children.
 
frederick said:
While I fully agree it starts with our children, the battle is life-long. It is a battle for the mind and that battle will continue until it's a mind in a glorified body. So much kids stuff is bad but it doesn't get any better with all the garbage that's out there for adults. A husband/father is to be the protector of his family but many are failing, and what we are seeing in families and society is the evidence of that failure being worked out. Kids need to be protected, as do wives, and it's a godly man who will be there to protect. He needs to be that godly protector as he leads his family down the narrow path. Thanks for the thoughts and insights @FollowingHim2.
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Absolutely! 100% agree! It's a lifelong battle and it starts with our toddlers.
 
A small counter-point:

Love may be multiplied, but time sure isn't. Every new kid divides the time available for the others, and they know that, and often interpret it as a loss of love.

And this too is applicable to PM. When my wife and I first were exploring the possibility of bringing in a second, she told me she was mentally and emotionally preparing herself by distancing herself emotionally from me, so she could better handle the time when I wouldn't be around. I didn't like that idea at all, and after some reflection, I determined to put more effort into the time I was spending with her (both quality and quantity). I felt PM was forcing me to "improve my game" if I wanted to be worthy of two women, and I tried to rise to the challenge.

That paid huge dividends, even after my second relationship collapsed. The truth was that I had been gradually neglecting my wife, and even with out a second wife, trying to live up to the standards of PM has brought benefits to my marriage that I probably wouldn't have realized otherwise.

And so with kids. With the arrival of a new baby, it is important to make a conscious effort to make sure the others are still receiving enough time. Thus, even though mine are all teenagers, I still attempt to engage them all individually, making time for each, not just in group family time.
 
Sonshine said:
Just to add my two cents—I agree with so much of this. And I think the concept of plural was even more difficult for me because I’m one of those super-weird only-children. ;)
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Well thank God for only children too!
You are an inspiration to me truthfully.
I hope to meet you one of these days. :)
 
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