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I've got my oxygen mask on....

Diamond

Diamond

New Member
Female
You know how the airlines teach you to put on your oxygen mask first, then help others? Well when my husband and I first started down this road I felt some prettttty intense emotions (see Poodles "first wife syndrome" post for a nearly spot on description), I reached out to women here and received some great encouragement and emotional suppport, my husband has been a wonderful partner through this mind changing journey too. I now feel like I have the foundation and tools (or my O2 mask is on) to proceed with this PM (not saying it won't be a bumpy ride) should my husband choose to commit to and move forward with the lady he is interested in.
So now I ask other "additional wives" or even husbands for their input. I have had great input from other first wives but I would love to connect with some added wives to help me know how to help my SW and my family go through this smoothly. OK now GO: advice to the first wife on how to help my SW have a smooth transition. What can I do, say, be for her?
 
I'm not poly but the most important step seems to be to ensure that she is eligible for marriage. God hates adultery and will not bless it.
 
The fact that you are asking advice from "added wives" (and husbands too!) indicates a level of maturity and selflessness that - I believe - is needed in plural marriage. So go you on that train of thought!

I am an added wife and I'm super blessed that Cheryl is Andrew's first wife in our family. The early years are a bit of an emotional blur for me but I do remember that though she was going through "the blur" as well, she always took time to pray with me and for me. She knew Andrew longer (much longer) than I did and she was very helpful to offer advice on how to communicate with him (best advice ever: approach him with a humble heart and things work out much better. Come at him with accusations and anger, things won't go so well...).

The fact that we were friends before we decided to be a plural family is a big helper, I think. I trusted her. She trusted me. (Trust is a big, big deal). We enjoyed spending time together without Andrew (like having lunch together or just working in the kitchen together). Having that friendship in place helped us make it through some jealousy issues and other conflicts (like where to keep the coffee pot on the counter and little stuff like that). At the end of the day, we understood that we were on the same team. We worked out our stuff because we were in it for the long haul. I never had any doubts about her commitment to her marriage to Andrew and to me and to my well-being. I still don't. She is amazing.

Along the way, I bet there were many unknown sacrifices she made for me to make me feel welcome and a part of the family (even when I got uppity and snotty - it happens).

Oh. Communication is a big deal. You don't have to spill it all out all the time but don't bottle stuff up. Be honest about those times you feel "left out" or maybe some envy or jealousy. Or even other things - like the fact that you don't like the new curtains. Be loving and honest. Though it might be uncomfortable for a short time, it's worth it in the long run. And it gives everyone a chance to work things out and learn how to talk to each other without self-pity or resentment.

One last thing comes to mind and then I need to go clean the kitchen.

One of the best things a first wife can do is be a good example. To show love and devotion to her husband sets the standard for the entire household. Other wives. Kids. Everyone.

That's all I have for now. Again, total props to you Diamond for seeking this kind of advice.

I look forward to reading the other responses. Even after eighteen years, I love to learn more about how other people handle this lifestyle. Helps me grow. And I like growing.

Love and light and peace to you on this journey, Diamond.
 
No wisdom here! I often have worked with multiple women in office settings, and I can honestly say that they got along better when paying attention to my stupid workplace antics rather than focusing on each other. So maybe focus more on on paying attention to your husband's antics and not to overly concern yourself with the SW's deal?

Take that with a grain of salt, because like Zec I'm not poly. Also not a girl.
 
Good thoughts.........though I would say I am intently focused on my marriage. I feel that is part of the getting ready, He and I are in a great place and now my question is not how can I neglect my marraige to focus on my SW, but how can I enlarge my borders to include her and help her fit into our family life.
 
That Diamond, at least in my opinion, is a very good attitude and very well worded question.

Enlarging your borders, yes! Seeing a SW as an ally, someone to help protect from the world, not be protected from, is the right mentality.

One thing I would say is to do more listening than talking. Asking for input and showing you really care about what she says will go a long way to showing her she matters, much more than telling her about all the ways in which you already decided you could change your life to accommodate her. See the difference?
 
UntoldGlory.....more listening, less talking. That will be a good challenge in our (SW-to-be and I) relationship, she is a fabulous listener and I have diarhea of the mouth sometimes. BUT i have observed and learned from her the skill of holding back sometimes. This is one benefit I have experienced of having another woman so close in my life. We have encouraged each other to be better versions of ourselves through this all, I love it.
Also I do see the difference you pointed out. Thanks for the encouragement, I don't want to make her feel like a burden or that I am a martyr or her hero or anything like that. Not about me, it is about the happiness and functionality of our whole home.
 
I didn't realize there was already a second wife on tap when this thread started. I wouldn't have commented if I had.
 
It definitely is hard. The family has just done a massive thought and emotional shift just to have one family member, second or first wife or sometimes husband, "change their mind" or just give up because it was too hard or not what they thought, etc. For this reason, Biblical Families is continually encouraging families to take lots of time to talk, ask questions and just be friends before life long commitments are made. Yet, sometimes all those things are done and someone still makes the decision to walk away. It is very sad. Those are defining moments for sure, and how we, individually, will deal with hard things in our lives. I encourage you to grab hold of your faith and grow in it at those times. Only our Lord can give us the things we need to keep going in a good direction. Fear needs to be put in His hands but wisdom in regards to building a good relationship with someone can always be improved.
 
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