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Jennie's list of questions (food for thought)

Joleneakamama

Joleneakamama

Seasoned Member
Real Person
Female
Hello everyone. :)
I spoke with a very nice single mom a while back, who had a rather large, (and thorough) list of questions for couples/families she was getting to know.
After sharing them with a few people I thought, why not just post them here?
They are phrased as asked by a single mom, but might be appreciated by others as well.

I thought these questions might help bring up relevant subjects in that getting to know each other process, and in my opinion, loving someone is easy, if (or when) you find someone you can live with.

I have also heard comments about how people tend to rush things in poly relationships, so here's hoping people will slow down and ask questions....lots of them, in the getting to know each other stage. It might help close the gap between the imagined poly life, and the real one.

Here is Jennie's list of questions.
I hope you like them. Please feel free to add any you might come up with that are not already covered here.

Jolene

~Questions For The Husband & The Wives~
(If a question requires more then 1 person to answer please let me know the answer for each person by putting his or her name next to the answer).
1. Was it the husband or the wife who first brought the subject of another wife up and what was the others first reaction?
2. How do you feel about it today?
3. How many wives are in your family at this time?
4. At any other time have you ever been married to anyone else and if so why did that relationship end?
5. Do you have children with anyone other then your current spouse if so please explain?
6. If you feel that this is the right thing for you and your family why?
7. For each member of the couple/family how many wives would you like to have as part of your family?
8. What are your religious beliefs and basic religious history?
9. Are you a part of a Group and if so what one, if not are you looking to join one?
10. If I am not part of your religious beliefs would you want me to convert if we decided to become a family if not and we differ on this what religion would you want my children that I have now and any more that we may be blessed with raised in?
11. Where do you live? (I do not need your address just a rough idea such as your state or country would be fine)
12. Would you like for everyone to share the same home or for each wife to have her own?
13. What living arrangements would be ideal for you and your family?
14. Please tell me about each child that is a member of your family.
15. Please tell me how my children now and any to come would fit into your family?
16. Please tell me your ideas on how to handle things when a child does something wrong?
17. If or when another wife joins the family how would you like things like this to be handled?
18. What would you like the children to call everyone and would that differ for the two children that I already have?
19. Do your children know that your looking for another wife and how do they feel about it?
20. What would everyone call each other?
21. Do your family and friends know that you are looking for/have more then one wife and how do they feel about it?
22. If they are against it how have you dealt with that and or plan to deal with it if I or someone else joins your family?
23. Do you have any friends/family that are in a poly relationship and if so how are they treated?
24. How would the children I have now and any to come be treated by you?
25. How do you think they would be treated by your parents/siblings and do you have a problem with this?
26. What are the duties of the husband/wives/children in your home currently?
27. If I were to join your family how would this change if at all?
28. If I were to join your family would you like for me to work or stay at home?
29. Does your family have a stable reliable income and is it enough to cover the needs of myself, my children, and any children that may come?
30. What would the sleeping arrangements be if I were to join your family?
31. How would we share the nights with our husband if I were to join your family?
32. Same question for the day time?
33. What is your opinion on birth control?
34. What would happen if one wife or the husband did not want any more children but the others did not agree?
35. Are you looking for a relationship where the wives would have sexual relations with each other and not just the husband?
36. Would there ever be more then the husband and one wife in the same bed/room while sexual relations are taking place?
37. What if there was a disagreement between the wives or 1 wife with the husband how do you plan on handling this and how do you handle this sort of thing now?
38. Will there be a head wife or will all wives be equal?
39. Will the husband be an equal to the wives in all things or will there be exceptions and if so when please give examples?
40. How will money be handled in the household and does that differ from how it is done now?
41. Please describe your home and is this the one I will be living in if I join your family?
42. If this is the home I would live in please tell me about the room(s) that would be mine and the sleeping arrangements for my children that would
work best for your family? (my daughter will be 3 in May and my son 2 in May)
43. May I talk in private on the phone with the wife/wives before I speak with the husband on the phone?
44. How are the children of the family educated?
45. What is your opinion on your children having more then one wife for each husband when they are ready to be married?
46. How do you think courting should be handled for us?
47. How do you think courting and or dating should be handled for the children of the family?
48. Has anyone in the household ever been arrested if so please explain?
49. What if any problems do you see about a 22 year old woman with 2 children joining your family?
50. Are you currently getting to know any other women with the idea of them possibly joining your family?
51. Other then being/wanting to become a poly family are there any other viewpoints or opinions that you family holds that you feel I should know about and if so please tell me about them?
52. What degree of openness would you want about the relationship as a whole to the outside world?
53. How did you meet your wife/wives?
54. What site do I know you from and what is your username there.
55. If we have IM*ed what is your display name (not email) there?
56. Do you Celebrate Holidays like Christmas & Easter and if so how?

~Questions Just For Him~
1. What qualities does your wife/wives have that you think would make them well suited for a Poly relationship?
2. What do you think is your best and worst quality?
3. Please describe your employment if any.
4. What are you personally looking for in a poly relationship?
5. What do you think life will be like if I were to join your family?
6. Are you able to father Children?
7. If I were to have more children with you would you want to be at the birth?
8. What foods do you like the most and least?
9. What household chores do you enjoy the most both inside and outside?
10. What household chores do you enjoy the least both inside and out?
11. How would you feel if we were to become a family and are having our *special time* knowing that you have another wife(s) possibly in the same house?
12. Please tell me about you.
13. Please tell me about anything you feel I should know about you your family or your beliefs that I have not covered in these questions.
14. Do you now or have you ever smoked, drank adult beverages for non religious reasons, or used drugs if yes please explain

~Questions Just For The Wives~
(If more then 1 wife please have each wife answer these separately with her name next to her answer)
1. What qualities does your husband have that you think would make him well suited for a Poly relationship?
2. What do you think is your best and worst quality?
3. Please describe your employment if any.
4. What are you personally looking for in a poly relationship?
5. What do you think life will be like if I were to join your family?
6. Are you able to conceive children?
7. If I were to have more children would you want to be at the birth?
8. What foods do you like the most and least?
9. What household chores do you enjoy the most both inside and outside?
10. What household chores do you enjoy the least both inside and out?
11. How would you feel if we were to become a family and our husband and I are having our *special time* possibly in the same house?
12. Please tell me about you.
13. Please tell me about anything you feel I should know about you your family or your beliefs that I have not covered in these questions.
14. Do you now or have you ever smoked, drank adult beverages for non religious reasons, or used drugs if yes please explain.
 
Several things strike me about this list:

1) We need a similar version targeted specifically to the single woman seeking a family.

2) ALL of us would do well to fill out this set of questions, and have it stored and ready to use. Think what a thorough job it would do of shortening the process timewise and yet making sure all bases were covered. Just turn over yours and ask for theirs!

3) It occurs to me that the process of doing this and considering one's answers might well be beneficial to one's own self. Who knows what might pop up that you hadn't thought all the way through?
 
I also think it would be helpful to be honest about what is an ideal and what is an imperative. Just because something is a nice idea does not mean it would be beneficial for all parties. It is a good idea to have a little flexibility.

B
 
I agree that the questions are good however when I am getting to know someone I prefer the give and take of an actual conversation. A questionnaire that long seems to clinical to me. Like a job interview. It takes the charm out of getting to know someone for the first time. ...just my opinion...
 
Cow fam said:
#39 seems a bit odd considering the idea of polygyny is quite tied to patriarchy. Surely the husband is the head, not just another vote. It would seem that in a home where everyone is equal, the ladies would be tempted to manipulate the man by sheer voting power. This one boggles my mind (and that of my wife) but otherwise we like the list and will probably sit down and answer these questions together for the most part.
Click to expand...
And there's your answer. *grin* But if a family doesn't work that way, if the existing wife effectively rules the roost, if the husband is TOO laid back and does not effectively lead, etc., you would wanna KNOW, right?

By the same time, if doing the questionnaire for myself, it might highlight current problems in the relationship that need to be straightened out before actively pursuing the addition of a wife.

Trisha said:
I agree that the questions are good however when I am getting to know someone I prefer the give and take of an actual conversation. A questionnaire that long seems to clinical to me. Like a job interview. It takes the charm out of getting to know someone for the first time. ...just my opinion...
Click to expand...
Of course! Perfectly understandable, and can't disagree.

At the same time, there ARE many things which should be considered and known about the "other" before committing the next 30-70 years of your life to each other, right? Some might be preferences, others deal breakers. Better to KNOW than not, right? So however it is conveyed, whether with the rapidity of a single document, or slowly via conversation, it seems like this makes a good checklist of things to discuss.

Offering my own opinion, I doubt that giving and receiving a completed questionaire of this nature would be a hindrance to the back and forth of conversation. More likely a spur to more. Perhaps a filter. Some prospects may become lifelong friends, but it may become clear rather rapidly that they are not gonna be a good marriage match. If someone passionately devoted to rural arctic living were to meet a lady equally devoted to alligator wrestling in southern Florida, there might be a problem ... :lol:

Obviously, BF isn't about to start mandating these. It isn't in the least interested in controlling anyone's life or courtship. So treat my comments as the 2 cents worth of opinion it is intended to be. *big grin*
 
I agree on #39 ChrisM, the question appears to presume democratic family leadership. It would be better to ask something like
- "How are decisions made in the family? Who has input, and how? Are decisions made democratically or does one person decide what happens? Who?".
- "Are the current wives expected to obey their husband, and would I be expected to?"
These would hopefully give information on whatever the actual situation is.

I'd also add something on assets:
- "Would you expect my assets to be jointly owned by the family, or would we keep separate ownership?"

I also agree with Trisha that it is far too long, at least initially, but this list would be very beneficial to go through before actually deciding to do it. As Bels has pointed out, only a few are deal-breakers. I'd make a short list of deal-breakers and give them that first, if you were still interested after that you can find out more, meet up etc.

Deal-breakers for the short-list:
Basic info: 3, 11, 14, 29
Current wives views on the idea: 1, 2
Past relationships: 4, 5
Religion & morality etc: 8, 10, 35, 52
Leadership: 39
 
Trisha said:
I agree that the questions are good however when I am getting to know someone I prefer the give and take of an actual conversation. A questionnaire that long seems to clinical to me. Like a job interview. It takes the charm out of getting to know someone for the first time. ...just my opinion...
Click to expand...

I have been in and around poly families for quite some time. I have seen similar question lists before, but this is definitely the most detailed. It seems to hit a lot of the things that people new to poly would miss or may not have fully thought through. It can be difficult to have strong opinions about something you have no experience with.

I agree with you Trish that filling out a questionnaire is a little clinical. It is also difficult to discuss some issues with a piece of paper that would be better as a conversation. The last time I was presented with a list of questions I looked them over and then we had a phone call and went down the list one at a time and discussed where we stood on each of them. If I recall correctly we did not cover all the questions in one sitting. The questions themselves become less important than the discussion itself - and that leads to more questions and more discussion. It also allows you to discuss the range you are comfortable with rather than forcing you to check a box to define yourself.

There is a downside to this method - the other person has the opportunity to "feel you out" and mold their answers to fit yours. There was one question we discussed where he was in total agreement with me....until the next time we talked and he wanted to "explore" the subject in more depth!
 
I sure appreciate everyone's input here.
I can sure understand the comments about #39. I was surprised the first time I ran into poly folk who had "egalitarian" marriages. I myself wanted a family where the husband was the head of the household.
I also figured these questions were just good for ideas, as in food for thought.

In my opinion there is an upside to filling them all out. Someone then knows who you are, or where you are coming from on these points. As eternitee pointed out, in conversation someone can "feel you out" and try to change their own position on issues perhaps, to match yours.

I have a sis who felt very strongly about vaccinations, this was a deal breaker subject for her, and her boyfriend would not study it until after she had broken up with him. After that he said he wanted to study the matter, and she would not/could not believe, at that point, that he was sincere. She was afraid he would say what she wanted to hear, instead of what he actually believed or felt on the issue.

For myself, I would want to know more about the other lady(s) in the family. Her reasons, what she perceives as the upsides or downsides to living this way. I would want a better look at her "imagined" poly life, so as to avoid (if possible) that before mentioned gap between the imagined poly life and the real one.
 
What a great conversation we're having! Thanks, y'all!

I like the idea, maybe, of not exchanging lists, but using them as topics for conversation.

Having said that, it still seems like it would help to have thought through my own ideas first. And to possibly record that of the other expressed as we talked.

I do, however, also wonder about those who seem to mold themselves to your known position as a tactic. A while back, I had someone ask for an introduction who seemed absolutely PERFECT. Well, there were these little cracks in her story here and there ... But she SEEMED ... Eventually I remembered that she said she'd read most all of my posts on BF before asking for the introduction ... to this day I don't know if she was genuine or scheming. Never did meet in person. But the creacks did eventually add up... *sigh*
 
I would say if you go through that list and agree on everything, then that is a big red flag that instead of this person being "perfect" you probably have someone molding themselves to you. There is a benefit in exploring the differences and things you disagree on. Eventually in life there is going to be an area you disagree on. Good to know ahead of time how the other person fights. Do they fight fair or do they get mean and nasty? Do they fight for what they believe in or do they fight just to defend their corner to score points even when they don't care about an issue? It helps demonstrate their true character.
 
I like the idea of having a list of questions that you know your answers to and know what the deal breaking answers are before hand, to at least have considered all the points brought up and if not go through the list as a questionairre then at least to make sure that you have lit upon each point during your "getting to know each other" phase. I also feel I must bring up one other question or topic to be discussed in this modern day and age given that we don't always end up the people we are through ideal circumstances and that is sexually transmitted diseases. Have any of the wives or husband or prospective wife ever had any and if so which one(s) and was it treated and or treatable. A sensitive subject I know and frankly I would make sure that they would be willing to submit to a test to confirm that they were clean and healthy. If you cannot talk about such a sensitive topic it also gives a clue as to the relationship status.
 
I was re-reading this post. I realized I still had the list of questions that was given to me one time. I initially started to "clean it up", but decided to leave it in its raw form. I found some of the questions offensive, I found some amusing/bizarre, but they are what they are and I post them as they came to me:

Any law suits or judgments against you in the last 5 years?
Ever been arrested?
Ever been convicted of a felony?
Ever been convicted of a misdemeanor?
What do you do for a living? Would you be willing to support your family outside the home?
Are you an optimist or pessimist?
What do you see your role as a wife?
Have you ever cheated or had an adulterous affair on your spouse or partner?
Have you ever been abused or molested in your past?
Did your mother ever abuse drugs during pregnancy with you?
Did you have more than 10 finger or toes when you were born?
Were you born with a tail, or webbed fingers and toes?
Do you have any sexual holdups, concerns, or activities that you are uncomfortable with? (Oral sex? Anal sex? Vaginal sex?)
Would you be able to be submissive to your husband’s wants and needs?
Do you or have you ever had an STD?
Any naked photo of your self?
Height
Weight
What size do you wear?
Bra size
Number of sexual partners in your life?
Has anyone ever taken naked photos of you?
What are your thoughts on birth control?
What forms of birth control have you used in the past?
Do you want more children?
Are you able to have more children?
 
They missed Belly Button Specs! How ODD! :lol:

And, um, holdups! Hmmm ... Not very imaginative! Hope you didn't marry 'em.

*positively howling with laughter!*
 
I think it's a great list of questions actually. It tells you everything you need to know about the questioner, so you need not waste any more time on them. :D

By the way, I had 11 fingers and 11 toes when I was born, and still have two webbed toes, so I suppose that makes me a degenerate mutant who should never be allowed to breed in his mind... What utter nonsense. :roll:
 
FollowingHim said:
By the way, I had 11 fingers and 11 toes when I was born, and still have two webbed toes, so I suppose that makes me a degenerate mutant
Click to expand...

Don't be so negative Sammy boy:

They may be wanting to breed those highly desirable characteristics INTO their line! Any gills?
 
A friend was asking about these questions, so I am bumping this thread back to the "active" area. We have a lot of new people anyway and there are some good (and weird) things in this thread that are worth taking a look at.

Apologies in advance for "old timers" if you did not want to revisit it.

(I don't like the phrase "old timers" by the way - I feel old and creaky enough as it is! :lol:)

Eternitee
 
Thanks E. This was a great idea. I hadn't seen it yet and it did force me to actually consider things that someone new to PM probably wouldn't have thought about or, worse, made assumptions about. I also like how certain topics are addressed despite their typically "taboo" nature. Questions I may have had in my own mind but would likely never had the gall to bring up. Even though I have no prospects, I'm going to answer these questions myself just so I know that I've actually thought about them and would feel comfortable enough to respond to them on demand if ever asked.

About the second list... uh, yeah... wow.
 
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