I struggled with being single. Felt like i was somehow letting God down. That I wasn't living up to my calling in this world. I felt such a failure.
But now I'm learning to love myself. To see me as a valuable person just as i am. I have learned that God's path for me might not be what I thought or what I imagined. I might be called to a different way. And that's ok.
Everything I planned or dreamed of didn't work. Till I stopped planning and just said ok Lord, I'm yours and I will wait for you to show me your plan. Now I don't worry about the future and just enjoy what each day brings.
Hi Anna. I was married and it fell apart, and then remarried right on the heels of that one, and I'll bet you can guess what happened. See, I am poly minded, and that was enough to dissuade women from getting involved with me no matter how great a guy I was. I'd meet a great lady and then the date would go well, I would not pressure her, or even try to be, "Friendly," because my love of plural marriage taught me to respect what a women has and learn to like HER not her "assets..." It put a lot of women off. Badly.
So, I decided to do what you're doing. I decided to love myself. I first started trying to work out what I believed was dogma and what was faith. That took about three or four years, but in the end, I stopped being religious and started being a believer. My faith just settled on me like a warm sweater, prayers internalized and in the end, I found that I'm pretty much rock solid and relaxed.
Then, I decided to work on myself. I got my house in order. Bills all caught up and paid, credit established, and worked my way up to getting new cars instead of always fixing clunkers. Better clothing, better friends. Bought a house, paid it off early. Started writing and got some things published (in ways) and still felt a little.... off.
So I started traveling. Bought a car suitable and a tent and camping and hiking gear and set out on an adventure. Went around the USA, met a lot of people, saw a lot of sights, and generally enjoyed the world we were given. After nearly 20 years, I became the person I was trying to become.
Imagine it, sleeping on the rim of the Grand Canyon, seeing the geysers in Yellowstone. Visiting a museum that had miniature houses all made from petrified wood and eating an amazing hamburger at a roadside stand or digging for sunstones or opals or garnets, or panning for gold, and collecting quartz from a field and.... yes, I climbed into the caldera of a volcano that was still active to see what it was like. Every year, a new adventure. I learned to SCUBA dive and enjoy the peace of lying on your back looking up at the sky with 40 feet of water between you and it. I hung out in Mammoth Cave and did the hike down to the bottom of Carlsbad. I found my peace. It was in being on the road and alive.
But reality comes into everyone's life eventually. In my case it was a growing compulsion to be in the woods, in the mountains, away from people. It was a desire to have chickens and cows and a sawmill. I bought them, the chickens and the sawmill. I started looking for land in every state in the USA. Eventually found a little town in Kentucky. It's no different than anywhere else, and in a small way, very much different. It feels like home. I built a new house, it's small but nice, and it gets better every payday. Then COVID happened.
I'll not go further with this, right now. But I wanted to tell you that you're on the right path. When it's time, you'll find that family. My wife and I are not looking right now (Yes, I married again after SHE asked me, lol) but would like to make some friends who understand the idea of plural marriage. She and I both have mad skills and talents, and we now live in 15 acres of amazing property. We blog, get involved and raise bees and chickens now (they are gone until spring and we're redoing the henhouses... had a sickness do too much damage and we need to plan the houses better) But we're country here. Peaceful, quiet, safe. You will get there, you really will. This is my dream, you may have another. But when you take the time to find yourself, and know what you want, then you can be what you want.
And just a note... you are not a failure. Not by a long shot. Calling yourself a failure is the same as a child calling themselves a failure because they got lost. It's wrong. Do me and yourself a favor and stop doing that. Find a guy how looks at you like his Captain and not his property... who will build you up and make you better than what you are... who will help you see your dreams come alive and the real you develop into the kind of woman you would be proud to know - let along become.
My name's Matthew and my wife is Amanda. Nice to meet you.
it’s such a blessing to be content in your station in life, however God has stationed you. I’m still dealing with contentedness with my life…some days it comes easier than others! May He continue to bless you in your journey as His will unfolds in your life and heart!
. We need to rest in His love.