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Losing a child...depressed beyond belief.

B

ben_vicki05

New Member
My family is going through a huge difficulty right now. My oldest son Aaron is being moved to Georgia to live with his grandparents, due to issues he has. My son has been diagnosed with ADHD, Opposition Defiant Disorder, and possible Autism. Because of this he receives extra attention at school. Part of Aaron's problems is he loves attention; and he will tell lies to get it. He has made up fictional siblings that I have supposedly killed off; he has been locked up and beaten, starved, and been called names by me. This is what my precious 8 year old son has told teachers and Department of Family and Children Services. He has done this several times, most recently this past Friday. We are now under investigation for the fourth time this year for this accusations. The state has suggested that Aaron needs more one on one attention and since both me and my husband work they want to remove him from our home and place him with his Grandparents. Needless to say I am heartbroken. My son is very dear to my heart and for him to tell such lies kills me; but to know that I have failed him as a parent in such a way is even worse. I don't know what else to do or where to turn. If we don't give him up voluntarily, then they can take us to court and we will more than likely lose custody of him for good. But if we let him go he can come back to us in as soon as one school year. I don't want him to think we don't love him or that we don't want him. I just want whatever is best for him and my family; but at this point I just don't know what to do.
 
I am so sorry, I know how heartbreaking that can be. I wish you all the best for peace and healing.

love,
Bels
 
my prayers are with you, i cannot imagine how painfull it is.
 
Ah yes, how the State "helps" children... I can entirely see their perspective too though, they see there's a problem somewhere and want to do something to resolve the fact that they keep getting complaints they have to investigate.

Just discussed this with my wife. From what you have posted, it appears that DFCS is not concerned about the abuse being real, they can see he's a compulsive liar and see that this is because he is seeking attention. Rather, they think there must be a problem that is causing him to want to seek this attention, so wish to ensure that he has more attention at home. They think that moving him to his grandparents place would mean a family member was home the entire time he was there, and he would get the attention he craves, so stop seeking more. Is that a fair summary of what they are trying to achieve?

Unless he has an extremely good relationship with his grandparents, I struggle to see how this will actually work. If he wants attention of a parent, he isn't going to get this by getting LESS contact with his parents. Rather, there's a good risk he could become even more attention-seeking to try and get you back into his life.

The fundamental issue seems to be that both of you work. Is it feasible for one of you to quit work, or to move to working only during school hours? Could you drastically rearrange your finances to make this work? Maybe even move somewhere with a lower cost of living? Is there any state support or tax changes that could become available to help this with this drop in your income, particularly considering the fact that it would be done for a medical reason? Would DFCS accept that as a potential solution to trial before shifting him to his grandparents place? What about moving to home-schooling him to give him more attention, or shifting him to a smaller or more specialist school?

I realise that these suggestions would involve a major change to your lives, however having him move to his grandparents would also be a major change. Major change is inevitable. If you look a bit wider, maybe there is an option you and the state agency have not considered yet?

Will pray for you.
 
My 16 year old son was also diagnosed with ADHD and ODD in sixth grade. The school wanted us to have him committed for a time. We chose to pull him out and homeschool him instead. We have never regretted this decision. The first year was a major adjustment, we changed our work schedules to ensure someone was home with him and struggled with learning how best to instruct him because the standard classroom setting was truly counterproductive for his learning style, but the results have been nothing short of amazing.

Nearly ALL of his issues have evaporated, other than what is to be expected of a normal teen. The one thing which helped us the most was for our realization that he is created EXACTLY the way God intended him to be. What society has labeled as a problem is actually an enormous blessing. Your young man will take some time to adjust but his independence and creativity will amaze you when he is allowed to be who he was created to become. Public systems are very fond of round pegs that fit nicely, but life is messy at times. I will gladly keep you and your family in prayer.
 
Vicky, Having boys is one of the most challenging blessings ever given to mothers! I have seven boys, and they are a whirling, dirty handful of wonderful!

It is my personal opinion that the best way to help a boy work through difficulties is through WORK! Their bodies need to move, they need fresh air and lots of exercise, they need the satisfaction of a job well done and very rarely do boys find that satisfaction in a classroom that is designed for quiet girls who like to sit for hours.

I agree completely with Taller on my knees about homeschooling. If it is at all an option, I would highly recommend it. If not, I would recommend as much physical labor and play as possible to allow his body to work all the stored up energy inside. Limit video games, computer and tv time and help him learn with his body.
 
We have changed our work schedules. I moved to working overnight so I could be home during the day when he is. I sleep during the first part of the morning when my husband is home so we are always around him. He loves his grandparents to death, it's just that he will be 5 1/2 hours away from us. We hardly have a chance to go home as it is, and I don't want him to feel like he is being abandoned by us. Neither one of us can quit work but we are talking about both of us moving to the overnight shift so it will be easier for both of us to be around to handle him. We have transfers open to places with a lower cost of living, and we check on them every week. Really hoping one of them opens up so I can take an extra day off during the week. As for any state support or anything I would have to check into that. Maybe the DCFS worker can help me out there. He can be moved to a specialist school AFTER he finishes this testing he's doing at school that will classify him as a special needs student. I will be presenting some of the ideas you have suggested to the worker and see if there is something else we have not considered.

I appreciated all y'alls ideas and suggestions. I guess I was just ready to give up too easily. It's hard to try to find light in a dark situation like this one; but thanks to y'all I have a bit of hope. I will keep y'all updated :)
 
Just an update.... Got fired from my job today due to being late on Thursday when all this stuff with my son kicked off. I was at home crying for a bit too long, and was tardy to work..... didn't realize I had two other tardies; which made an absence which gave me a total of 14 in a six month period. I know that sounds like a lot, but I lost my babysitter back in November and had to miss work so the hubby could go in. He was working more hours than me at the time, so he went in while I stayed at home. Long story short. I'm fired for the next 90 days and then I can go back. But it's really got me back down in the pits. I don't know if I can take anything else going wrong before I break.
 
I am so sorry for your continued losses. I hope that you may be able to see this as an answer to prayer. God's timing is perfect. Look for ways to supplement your income from home. See if there is some new alternative that you would not have seen had you not been terminated.

I am not trying to be harsh. I really feel your pain, but sometimes you have to look for the blessings in what appears to be the opposite.

SweetLissa
 
Right now I am really trying to. All I can see is the Devil's hand in all this, but I know God has a plan; I just have to wait to see it.
 
Among other things, consider aggressively advocating for an effective IEP (Individualized Education Plan) through your school district.

You have a RIGHT to one. And the right to advocate in your son's best interest.

The IEP can involve therapy, counseling, after school programs, etc. All at the school district's expense. Which is why they try to NOT tell you about it, and may try to drag their heels. But I've seen them forced to put a student into a therapeutic environment and program that cost $1,000/day, and have to pay for it. YOU just have to be really proactive and NOT BACK DOWN.

Now you've got the time to do the research and go after it. Go for it. (Besides, gives you a positive focus instead of on "the loss".)

Also, you might look into Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is one possibility explaining the cause of his pathological lying and good behavior with some people but horrid with others. I'm not qualified to diagnose. But do recommend finding someone who IS and is experienced at successfully dealing with it. Check it out. If so, sending him to G'ma isn't gonna fix anything.

God bless you all as you make necessary adjustments in the coming days, weeks, months.
 
Thanks Cecil. We are working on doing the IEP now. He just finished the in-school testing and we have a meeting coming up at the end of the month with several specialists and the school psychologist to discuss options. And I have decided to fight to keep him with our family. If she wants him she's going to have to take us to court for a custody battle. I hope it doesn't come down to that, but I will be discussing this with the case worker whenever she gets back to me. Thanks for your continued advice and support.
 
I am so sorry about your struggle. I have 2 adopted kids who both have bipolar, oppositional defiance, and more. Have the offered you CCFT or casemanagement. CCFT is a service where a counselor cones and meets with you all in your hkme. We have had it several times with our older child. The entire family has benefited greatly from the services. You guys are in a tough situation. Our olderst accused my husband of touching our youngest boy inappropriately this past spring. It was a nightmare.
Angela
 
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