• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

my wife just asked for a plural marriage

D

deanunit2010

New Member
About a year ago my wife came to be and explained to me how she wanted to have a sister wife, now till she mentioned this i had no idea what polygamy was, its really not a common thing were we live.
back to the story, well she said she had been thinking about it for the past few years and had finally got the guts to tell me, right off the bat i was like no, I have enough stress and adding another wife is out of the question.
well she didn't drop it, few months ago she finds me a girlfriend! had no idea she was even looking, well this gal ended up being immature and i ended up closing the relationship, but that was the one and only gal, its very hard to find someone around here that is open for the idea...oh and the fact i have no idea what im doing when it comes to dating, been with my wife for 17 years and married for 11, been a long time since i had to date someone.

I know this forum is for plural marriage, but i just don't think i can do it, just looking for a gal makes me feel I'm cheating on my wife and i don't like it , how do i get that feeling to pass? help is needed, shes not forcing this on me but its something she very much believes in.
please excuse my poor grammar.
 
I know how you feel, my wife brought this idea to me a while back, told me she has been think about it for a while. Well we found a woman who was open to the idea but a little shy, but said she'd go along with it after she met my wife. Everything was all set but when it got closer to the day we were to meet, she started to think different about me with another woman. I am really thankful I picked up on it, before things went to far & I called it off, I didn't want to lose my wife over this, I felt the same as you did, but I love my wife enough that I was willing to give it a try, but it just didn't work out for us. We both believe there is nothing wrong with it, it's not a sin in Gods eyes because it is in the all though the bible. You just need to pray about it & follow what God wants the two of y'all to do.
 
Crazy!

I follow the school of thought that says following the command of "Do not seek a wife" is the best way to find a wife. Finding a compatible woman (for me) was like looking for a needle in a haystack. I am a difficult person to please, and don't have much to offer. I dated no-one. I flirted with no-one. If I was meant to marry, God would have to bring the right girl. And so He did. I fell in love, I fumbled my way through everything, but in her eyes: I could do no wrong.

Trying to find a SECOND wife means a smaller needle in the same sized haystack. Save yourself the trouble of looking. Just ask and wait. The answer may be "No" and you'll have saved yourself some trouble. And if the answer is "Yes" and He brings the right girl, I don't think your feelings will be a problem.


(I know I lifted the verse from it's context... there is no shame in my game.)
 
Welcome to the site, DeanUnit! (Call you DU for short?) The forums here are a good place to learn from wise folk, and the retreats are even better. If you continue on patiently as you have I'm inclined to think you'll do okay.
 
Welcome to the forum!

Yours is definitely not the normal story of how guys end up here, that's for sure. I would say that if you're not sure about the lifestyle, don't do it yet. However I would suggest study and prayer, as it's obviously something that your wife feels strongly about. If you'd like, there are some good resources to help with the Biblical answers about plural marriage.
 
deanunit2010 said:
please excuse my poor grammar.
Click to expand...

Nein! I am a Grammar Nazi. Heil Grammar! :D

deanunit2010 said:
About a year ago my wife came to be and explained to me how she wanted to have a sister wife, now till she mentioned this i had no idea what polygamy was, its really not a common thing were we live.
back to the story, well she said she had been thinking about it for the past few years and had finally got the guts to tell me, right off the bat i was like no, I have enough stress and adding another wife is out of the question.
well she didn't drop it, few months ago she finds me a girlfriend! had no idea she was even looking, well this gal ended up being immature and i ended up closing the relationship, but that was the one and only gal, its very hard to find someone around here that is open for the idea...oh and the fact i have no idea what im doing when it comes to dating, been with my wife for 17 years and married for 11, been a long time since i had to date someone.

I know this forum is for plural marriage, but i just don't think i can do it, just looking for a gal makes me feel I'm cheating on my wife and i don't like it , how do i get that feeling to pass? help is needed, shes not forcing this on me but its something she very much believes in.
Click to expand...

She's not forcing it on you but she found you a girlfriend when you didn't even know that she was looking? That sounds like a contradiction in terms.

If you're not 100% on board with this then it won't work.

I've seen one case (exactly one, as in: it's extremely rare) where polygamy worked out when the first wife wasn't on board. The guy had two separate houses across town from each other, both wives knew and even had phone numbers to reach him if needed, but neither one wanted to know the details and the two women didn't want to be around each other. They were still together after fourteen years the last time I saw them which was about 2008 so apparently the arrangement was working for them however.

I've never seen it work when the husband wasn't 100% on board however.
 
I have to concur with Wesley. I believe that if the man doesn't really have a vision about growing his family then it can easily fall apart. But, I can see that God can use a wife to bring this truth to a man and after a time of study and prayer he too can see the benefit, the truth, in it. So, DU do your own research, your own praying and see what God would reveal to you. Because in the end, all the responsibility for success or failure will rest on you as you lead your family.
 
Oh, forgot to say welcome! I hope this site will be a support to you and your wife as you embark on this journey.
 
I also was so busy answering the question that I forgot to say welcome to the group.

I have to agree with julieb that prayer is the correct solution for most problems.
 
Welcome!

As far as I've seen, having the husband on-board is far more important than having the wife on-board. A husband driving this with an unenthusiastic wife is a bad idea that will probably end up a disaster. A wife driving this with an unenthusiastic husband is a guaranteed disaster from the start. A classic example being this family in our "real people's stories", unfortunately:
viewtopic.php?f=66&t=3183

You're the head of the family. Study this very carefully, pray, listen to your wife, but then do whatever you feel God is leading you to for your family. If you don't think this is right for you, don't do it.
 
Sorry i didnt realize this post had responces,my wife and I are going to speak to out pastor about this, polygamy is not taught in our church but would be realy nice to get his advise.
 
Here's why I suggested "continue patiently as you have":
  • You seem to have good communication with your wife, and she supports your leading (including your taking another wife if you so wish).
  • You didn't just barrel ahead but were cautious as well as protective of your relationship with your wife.
  • When you saw that something wasn't working well and you needed more information, you sought out more experienced folk.
So by "continue" I meant those things. I was trying to be brief and upbeat but yeah, if having a second wife doesn't suit you then don't do it.
 
deanunit2010 said:
my wife and I are going to speak to out pastor about this, polygamy is not taught in our church but would be realy nice to get his advise.
Click to expand...

Speaking from personal experience this is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very bad idea.

From my own personal experience this is going to get your wife, at the very least if not you as well, treated very badly by a pastor.
 
Wesley's right. Don't discuss this with your pastor. Unless you want to be kicked out of church and have you both encouraged to divorce the other for being an evil heretic. Sadly, that's the way of the Christian church today.

I'm not saying "don't seek advice". Certainly do seek advice. Feel free to discuss this with trusted, solid Christians that you know. Just remember that many of them are likely to react very negatively. You can put up with a friend reacting negatively and looking at you weirdly for a few years. Or never speaking to you again. But if your pastor reacts that way the consequences could be more severe for your family. Best not to go there. So seek advice from people who have no "authority" over you, keep the pastor at the bottom of the advice list, on this particular issue.
 
It would be best to avoid speaking to anyone who might discuss it with your pastor as well.

Consider this...

The Apostle Paul said:
1 Timothy 4:1-3 NIV
4 The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. 2 Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. 3 They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth.
Click to expand...

Forbidding people to marry is the teaching of demons. Yet that is exactly what they are doing when they prohibit polygamy.

Do you really want advice from one who teaches the doctrine of demons?
 
After reading a reply we didnt speak to our pastor about this, i actually brought up pural marriage up in conversion and he got offend and said it was a sin and he would not speak about the devils work.

So moving on, today my wife and I spoke more about it and even brought our children into the conversation, our kids are young but understand what the situation would be, even they thought it was a good thing...well minus my 2 year old lol.
I wanna be completely honest in this thread but with polygamy still being illegal its hard to find someone you can trust about it, ive spoken to a couple male friends about this and they all think we are crazy and trying to seek a polygamist family to seek advise is difficult, cant just put a add in the paper.
 
deanunit2010 said:
After reading a reply we didnt speak to our pastor about this, i actually brought up pural marriage up in conversion and he got offend and said it was a sin and he would not speak about the devils work.
Click to expand...

I don't know your pastor but based solely on my own personal experience you got off lucky and it may not be over yet.

deanunit2010 said:
So moving on, today my wife and I spoke more about it and even brought our children into the conversation, our kids are young but understand what the situation would be, even they thought it was a good thing...well minus my 2 year old lol.
Click to expand...

Bringing the kids on board is a good idea. We can keep a lot of secrets from them, and in some cases we should, but when a new mommy sits down at the breakfast table it's a bit hard to keep that a secret. Things could be awkward if they are taken by surprise.

deanunit2010 said:
I wanna be completely honest in this thread but with polygamy still being illegal its hard to find someone you can trust about it, ive spoken to a couple male friends about this and they all think we are crazy and trying to seek a polygamist family to seek advise is difficult, cant just put a add in the paper.
Click to expand...

Polygamy is only illegal if you have more than one marriage license. You can have as many covenant marriages as you are comfortable with and the law can't touch you.

As for the rest, welcome to the world Christianity. There is a price for putting Christ first in our lives.
 
Consider it this way. You can have as many live-in girlfriends as you want under the law. Think Hugh Heffner. His nonsensical life is completely legal. It's only illegal to make a formal commitment using a marriage license to more than one. Casual sex is fine but commitment is evil... The law is stupid.

But this does mean it is legal to have multiple wives. You call them wives, and make formal commitments to them without using a state license. The state considers them girlfriends. Everyone's happy, nobody's breaking the law.
 
FollowingHim said:
Consider it this way. You can have as many live-in girlfriends as you want under the law. Think Hugh Heffner. His nonsensical life is completely legal. It's only illegal to make a formal commitment using a marriage license to more than one. Casual sex is fine but commitment is evil... The law is stupid.
Click to expand...

Yup! That pretty much sums it up. Sinning is legal but they want to outlaw doing God's will.

  • Serial monogamy is sinful (Matthew 5:32 and 19:9) but is perfectly legal
  • Swinging is sinful but perfectly legal
  • Orgies are sinful but perfectly legal

The only thing that is against the law is biblical marriage.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top