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my wife just asked for a plural marriage
- Thread starter deanunit2010
- Start date
deanunit2010
New Member
How open are ya'll about your families? We had a chat tonight about opening up to everyone about us wanting to do this, we already know what will happen with the church but at this point we will find a move accepting church, havent really told anyone yet but the few we did are open to the idea or pretty much said they dont care but its just not for them which i respect, do you think?
FollowingHim said:
Actually, you need to be very careful about this in states that observe common law marriages. Without a state license, calling a woman your wife even once in public can constitute a common law marriage making her a legal wife and if you're already married... Boom! Bigamy charges.
Just thought I'd throw out that little caveat.
DU do as you feel lead. If it is Gods plan for you to have more than one spouse, well the rest will work its self out. But and there is always a butt, personal I would not advertise your and your wife's intent. If it happens and people ask be honest, don't look for acceptance from humans. All you have to do is please God! He will give you comfort and peace. Glad your here and rest assured you can talk about anything here ( concerning PM ) and get first hand experienced advice
Jack P.
In His name
Jack P.
In His name
deanunit2010 said:
Very open. The kids were involved in the process of coming to accept poly as both Biblical, and something we would like for our family. My dad was very supportive, basically said that if we found a nice girl that was up for it, see if her mom was single for him, lol. My mom trusts my knowledge of the Bible far more than her own, and started supportive of us, if not really enthusiastic, but she has come around more and been more supportive.
NetWatchR said:
Depends on your state. Check your local laws. I found a list once of States grouped by their "Poly friendliness", as not all states have common law marriage.
deanunit2010
New Member
Sorry guys been really busy, Ive actually met a gal, im not sure if she will be the one but we started seeing each other, not sure if i should relocate this thread but not to ask personal questions, how do it do this lol? While im dating this other gal we have agreed sex will wait till marriage and she will move into home after marriage so while this is going on im still coming home to my wife, so do i just sleep on the couch or keep sleeping with my wife? Im just confused about this and need a mentor.
What this means is that if you take another wife you must still provide the same things to your first wife, you should not take away from her. This is also the case if you are dating. "Duty of marriage" is talking about sex. So yes, please sleep with your wife! I understand that things will be a bit different as you go through this process but try and keep them as normal as possible. It's really important right now that you take care of your first wife's needs particularly well. She will find you being with another woman difficult at times and needs support and encouragement.
Please mention to your wife that she's welcome to join us ladies for the chat on Tuesday nights. Link is at the top of the forum page.
Dean, I would second everything Sarah said. I think you need to:
1) Take this very very very very slowly since you're still figuring it all out for yourself.
2) Put lots of time into reading and understanding what marriage really is and how it is to work from a scriptural basis. A good starter would be here:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/agtxwdxllrqc0 ... b.pdf?dl=0
And then go through our "books and links" page and read anything there that jumps out. I'd suggest starting with the various websites linked to there, and if you want to buy a book start with "Why do you believe that?" or "The Great Omission".
In all cases, use these resources to drive you into the Bible for yourself, to determine for yourself, as the Bereans did, whether these things are true.
3) Build your current marriage as much as possible, make it as strong as possible, care for your wife.
Then, after all that
4) Pursue opportunities for additional wives as you feel God is leading (not as your wife is leading, or your own sex drive is leading, or whatever other poor motivations you can think of for marriage). Slowly, cautiously. And without at all detracting from your current marriage, in any way, as much as that is humanly possible.
If you'd like to discuss things over the telephone, feel free to send me a private message ("PM" button on the right of my post) with your phone number and I can give you a call sometime, or feel free to contact anyone else in the same way to discuss this more offline.
1) Take this very very very very slowly since you're still figuring it all out for yourself.
2) Put lots of time into reading and understanding what marriage really is and how it is to work from a scriptural basis. A good starter would be here:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/agtxwdxllrqc0 ... b.pdf?dl=0
And then go through our "books and links" page and read anything there that jumps out. I'd suggest starting with the various websites linked to there, and if you want to buy a book start with "Why do you believe that?" or "The Great Omission".
In all cases, use these resources to drive you into the Bible for yourself, to determine for yourself, as the Bereans did, whether these things are true.
3) Build your current marriage as much as possible, make it as strong as possible, care for your wife.
Then, after all that
4) Pursue opportunities for additional wives as you feel God is leading (not as your wife is leading, or your own sex drive is leading, or whatever other poor motivations you can think of for marriage). Slowly, cautiously. And without at all detracting from your current marriage, in any way, as much as that is humanly possible.
If you'd like to discuss things over the telephone, feel free to send me a private message ("PM" button on the right of my post) with your phone number and I can give you a call sometime, or feel free to contact anyone else in the same way to discuss this more offline.
deanunit2010
New Member
I want to thank all of you for all your help and ill be looking into those booksand let you know how everything is going!
FollowingHim2 said:
One potential pitfall to look out for on this subject is differences between what you perceive as your wife's marital rights, what she perceives as her marital rights and what God perceives as her marital rights.
God's standards will be fair. Human standards? Not so much.
Most of the women in this forum, if not all of them, have at least heard (and experienced in many cases) the horror stories of men who neglect their wives in favor of another woman.
The part that it's harder to talk about without being lambasted is that the unfair standards are a human thing not a male thing. Both genders are guilty. Women do it too. One of my exes actually told me that it was her marital right to sleep in the bed with me every night and if I ever tried to spend an entire night with the women that I was "having sex with" (as she put it) then I would be depriving her of her marital rights and she would be free to leave. Of course later it became apparent that her idea of "leaving" involved throwing things, vandalizing my car and other belongings, and threatening to kill me in my sleep before she left if I didn't acquiesce to her demands. So the horror stories actually do go both ways.
The key point to avoiding this pitfall in a healthy relationship (unlike my past relationships) is communication. Talk about it frequently and in depth. The sooner you know about a difference of opinion in what constitutes "marital rights" the sooner you can begin working out an agreement. In a healthy relationship all partners are reasonable and responsive to the others' needs. Miscommunication and human failings can still cause problems but neither partner will have to worry about the other one deliberately causing problems.
Communication, as Wesley pointed out, is key. Like, key, lock, door, really a big chunk of the house.
I can kind of see where you are coming from, and I did have a passing thought a while back about getting engaged maybe spending every other night in the guest bedroom or something, but you definitely don't want to just move to the couch while you are dating. Also, like FH2 implied, you should still be dating your wife as well!
I can kind of see where you are coming from, and I did have a passing thought a while back about getting engaged maybe spending every other night in the guest bedroom or something, but you definitely don't want to just move to the couch while you are dating. Also, like FH2 implied, you should still be dating your wife as well!
deanunit2010
New Member
How do i delete this thread?
Re: how to delete something
In the case of this thread-within-a-thread*, ask a moderator to help, either by posting a request here or by sending a private message.
In the case of a single post, you can't delete it by yourself unless it's the last one in the thread. Fortunately you can always go back to edit something you've posted.
* Edit: It's not a thread-within-a-thread; I got confused about who started this discussion and I thought DU was asking for an off-topic portion to be moved to its own thread.
In the case of this thread-within-a-thread*, ask a moderator to help, either by posting a request here or by sending a private message.
In the case of a single post, you can't delete it by yourself unless it's the last one in the thread. Fortunately you can always go back to edit something you've posted.
* Edit: It's not a thread-within-a-thread; I got confused about who started this discussion and I thought DU was asking for an off-topic portion to be moved to its own thread.
deanunit2010
New Member
I just thought since this thread is heading in a different direction id delete this one and move it to another, ive jotted down all the links and download the dropbox book
deanunit2010
New Member
Ok thank you
We don't tend to delete threads that cease to be relevant for the original poster, rather leave them up for the benefit of other readers. We've all benefited from reading the threads of others. If anyone has revealed any deeply personal information they'd prefer was not on the internet feel free to edit your own posts to remove that. I hate deleting things because people put a lot of time and prayer into their responses, I can't see a reason to delete this thread - but I will discuss that with Dean.
deanunit2010
New Member
You can leave it up, im just use to fb and deleting threads.