I put the title this way to convey my desire for this topic. My wife said ok go ahead, she will accept it for me, she loves me so much, ok but I told her were not gonna rush it. I feel like its unbelievable, and want to know how should I further, the cause? I was in it for a long decades long war. And it was only 3 yrs, Wow! Now I'm just happy she can embrace truth, against her upbringing, like I said she loves me, and I love her so much for agreeing w the bible, but now what? I'm sure it very hard to find a godly christian wife who believes in a plural marriage, how do I find? Where,? How do I do it? How should I involve my wife? How do I explain to my kids? 2 diffrent rooms? Or houses? How about sex who when? How bout dates with my wives? How do I get her last name changed?ummmm daily life? I have a lot let's just start somewhere.
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My wife said Ok!!!! Whew! Uhhh Now what?
- Thread starter elisha
- Start date
PolyPride
Member
elisha said:
I think you can really look among all available women. I know some would say to look for a 2nd wife only in areas or in groups that you know are okay with polygamy, but I think there are women out there who may not be actively pursuing a polygamous marriage but if someone brought the idea to them, they'd probably be open to it. Otherwise, I find reducing your search to just the internet or recommendations from others who you know for sure are into polygamy as being limiting sometimes unless you find someone that you really do like from here or someone recommended to you.
elisha said:
I would do it the same way you start a relationship with your first girlfriend/wife, you talk to them and date them and develop a relationship off of that. The differences are that the potential 2nd wife, not only has to be someone that's your type but you should also see how she gets along with your current wife and kids. Sometimes, that will require you bringing your wife along on the date and you guys have a 3 person date to get to know each other while you become closer to her if you see things are working out and she can work well with your current wife.
elisha said:
I don't quite know this one but it may depend on their ages. ONe thing that I'd want to make clear is that the new women you are planning to bring in will not be some women you're having an affair with, and that she's only married to you so that your kids will know that it's clearly a hetero relationship and not some 3 way bisexual thing, as I'm sure some of their friends might bring up if they ever told their friends.
elisha said:
I know you would probably need two different rooms but not necessarily two separate houses. A polygamous relationship can work out with everyone living in the same house, unless you got a really big family which then would require you to maybe get a much bigger house.
elisha said:
The sex would have to be you alternating between the two. Maybe one night you sleep with one and the next night you sleep with the other. This is why I'd say you really need two separate rooms. Some people make a schedule or some type of agreement so everyone knows what to expect and when.
When it comes to dating, you can go out with both together or sometimes one.
[/quote]elisha said:
If you say it's for marital purposes, then legally you can't have a 2nd wife or have her have the same last name as you. These laws may be changed depending on if or when someone challenges them. I would think though you could have your potential 2nd wife change her last name but just don't mention it being for marital purposes.
In all this pray as well. Also, talk to your wife about how this would work out so that you both are gaining understanding together and are on the same page, because this relationship will impact her as well, not just you.
I have never polygynously married but I did significant damage to my first marriage with the concept and I have dated polygamously and broaced the subject with women. All I can say is to now immediately back off of the whole thing and let your wife catch her breath. Her acquiessence may not have trickled all the way down to her heart anyway yet. You know you want this, but have you really sat down and decided if you're ready for it? Is your wife ready? Really ready, not just "Yeah this may be permissable to God but there's no way on earth I'm letting another woman in my house" ready? I'd say forget about looking for another wife at all for the time being. Just shepherd your wife through what is a very unsettling time, lest you confirm her fears by chasing another woman when she needs your help with some upheaval you helped to create. I hope that didn't come across as preachy or condescending. But everyone here has seen well meaning but over-anxious men lose the wife they had rather than get another one.
elisha said:
With all due respect to you sir, you stated in your post that you were prepared for a decade long war with your wife over this issue, but she finally agreed after only 3 years. this sounds to me as though she's only accepting this out of fear of loosing you, or some other negative consequence as a result of not going along with you on this matter. if this is the case, then can one truely call this acceptance. i'm a single female and if i came across a couple like you and your wife and discovered this, i would NEVER join such a family. i would NEVER want to be part of a family where the wife felt cornered into polygamy for fear of loosing her husband or some other consequence (ie, and affair). if this was about your wife going along with this out of love for you, then it would not have taken 3 whole years. it sounds as though you're so focused on how much you want this, that you've failed to see or care (whichever the case may be) about how deep down, your wife does not truely want this..............i mean 3 years!!!! COME ON!! i feel sorry for your wife and any potential sister wife who may end up suffering as a result of this. good, functional families are sooooooo hard to find. an added wife should be a blessing to ALL involved, and if this is not the case then needless suffering will result.
I think you'll find most of your questions answered y reading through the threads on this site.
Others, of a more intimate nature would be more appropriate to bring up face to face at a retreat. Do you want a Google bot cataloguing you on the topic for the interest of anyone who Googles your name>
Finally, I would recommend that you engage in serious prayer for God to make you into the sort of man who can be SAFELY entrusted with the hearts of His daughters, then let Him worry about bringing you an additional wife or not. In the meantime, work on strengthening the marriage you already have to the point, perhaps, that your existing wife will feel like "witnessing on your behalf".
While not knowing you, your wife, your history, etc., I have to carefully second PolyMiss's post. If there is any sense at all that your wife is "giving in", rather than "enthusiastically enlisting", well ... learn all you want about PM, but your family isn't really ready to expand just yet. What woman would want to marry into a war zone when it was relatively peaceful, if lonely, on her own?
Good luck, and CindyW's and my prayers are with you as you all adjust to a new view and practice of marriage.
Others, of a more intimate nature would be more appropriate to bring up face to face at a retreat. Do you want a Google bot cataloguing you on the topic for the interest of anyone who Googles your name>
Finally, I would recommend that you engage in serious prayer for God to make you into the sort of man who can be SAFELY entrusted with the hearts of His daughters, then let Him worry about bringing you an additional wife or not. In the meantime, work on strengthening the marriage you already have to the point, perhaps, that your existing wife will feel like "witnessing on your behalf".
While not knowing you, your wife, your history, etc., I have to carefully second PolyMiss's post. If there is any sense at all that your wife is "giving in", rather than "enthusiastically enlisting", well ... learn all you want about PM, but your family isn't really ready to expand just yet. What woman would want to marry into a war zone when it was relatively peaceful, if lonely, on her own?
Good luck, and CindyW's and my prayers are with you as you all adjust to a new view and practice of marriage.
Oops! One more thing I wanted to say ...
You know how sunflowers grow real fast and last about one season, while oak trees grow slow and last for hundred's of years?
Which kind of marriage do you want? And which kind once it is further complicated and expanded? Still an oak tree family rather than a sunflower?
Now subtract your current age from, say, 90. That's about how long you might reasonably have remaining with your existing wife, and have with a second wife as well.
With that it mind, feel free to relax and let the whole process from here on take it's own sweet time. No hurry. Ya got lots of time, so get it right. There's a reason that the proverb, admittedly not Biblical, but ... "Marry in haste, repent at leisure" has endured. It has been proven true way too many times for comfort.
Oops again! One more thing to consider. We haven't talked about this particularly ... Hmmm! Look for a new thread, coming soon, entitled "PM as a Magnifying Glass".
You know how sunflowers grow real fast and last about one season, while oak trees grow slow and last for hundred's of years?
Which kind of marriage do you want? And which kind once it is further complicated and expanded? Still an oak tree family rather than a sunflower?
Now subtract your current age from, say, 90. That's about how long you might reasonably have remaining with your existing wife, and have with a second wife as well.
With that it mind, feel free to relax and let the whole process from here on take it's own sweet time. No hurry. Ya got lots of time, so get it right. There's a reason that the proverb, admittedly not Biblical, but ... "Marry in haste, repent at leisure" has endured. It has been proven true way too many times for comfort.
Oops again! One more thing to consider. We haven't talked about this particularly ... Hmmm! Look for a new thread, coming soon, entitled "PM as a Magnifying Glass".
POLYMISS said:
No offense intended, but I really don't think that Elisha meant it the way that you took it. It seems as though for some reason you're assuming that he somehow pressured or forced her into this and I really don't think this is the case. So when Elisha posted this I really think he did so in earnest for advice and counsel. Just because a lady accepts and believes in plural marriage doesn't mean she was somehow forced into believing it. Maybe he brought it up somehow and over the course of the next 3 years they studied the scriptures together. After all, my beautiful fiance, in under two weeks, found out my beliefs on plural marriage, studied for herself in the scriptures, and came to accept and believe in it before we even started dating. Two weeks is a lot shorter time than three years and I wasn't even involved in any way in her coming to this truth.
I think his use of the word "war" might have been what threw you off, but I don't think it was meant in the way that you think. For example, there are many things that I have learned through scripture study that completely refute what I was raised to believe and what my family believes. Christmas, Easter, Sunday as the sabbath, steeples on churches, the name Jesus, etc. And even though these things have been discussed between us with both sides holding to their corner we still love and accept each other without pressuring either one to accept the other's belief. You could call that "war" simply meaning that there are two opposing viewpoints.
Yahuweh bless you and keep you.
The Duke Of Marshall said:
ok, fair enough. so saying no no no to something for 3 years straight (3 YEARS for God's sake) then finally i say yes. i mean forgive me but that to me doesn't sound like a genuine yes, it sounds like a cave-in sir. and the poster did use the term "war". where i'm from especially with regard to these sensitive matters "war" is a strong word and never means anything good. with all due respect, i stand by what i said. this was not a genuine yes from the wife. and for the record, there are more ways that a man can get his way on matters such as this without what one could call "force". it's called coercion. we're all educated adults here and as i said before and i stand by it, this man wants PM so badly that he doesn't see or care (whichever the case may be) that his wife does not truely want this.
POLYMISS said:
That's the point though. It's completely relative to where "you" are from. Not from where "he" is from.
POLYMISS said:
So are you stating that it is DEFINATELY a fact that this woman was forced against her will in some way to go along with this? Or is it an assumption?
POLYMISS said:tee hee lol. you seem to have a thing for the word "force", which is fine."forced" no. coerced, it certainly sounds that way.
You didn't answer the question. Allow me to restate it.
So are you stating that it is DEFINATELY a fact that this woman was forced/coerced against her will in some way to go along with this without willfully accepting it? Or is it an assumption?
The Duke Of Marshall said:POLYMISS said:tee hee lol. you seem to have a thing for the word "force", which is fine.
You didn't answer the question. Allow me to restate it.
So are you stating that it is DEFINATELY a fact that this woman was forced/coerced against her will in some way to go along with this without willfully accepting it? Or is it an assumption?
ah, i see. so either i answer the question your way, or my answer doesn't count as an answer. lol, that's cute
. i think i've said everything that i've needed to say on this matter for right now, lest this forum become counterproductive. your dialogue has been both entertaining and appreciated my friend. good luck to you.
PolyPride
Member
POLYMISS said:ah, i see. so either i answer the question your way, or my answer doesn't count as an answer. lol, that's cute
Well "obedience" is a good thing sometimes.
I do believe it's possible that a woman can be pressured into polygamy as well as forced. The two are slightly different but both are bad. I've always understood that it's one thing to throw verse after verse at anyone to prove a point but it's another to get them to accept it let alone practicing it right away. That can certainly be the case for polygamy for a wife who was formerly never comfortable with the idea, and is fairly new to the idea of it being biblical, and then expecting her to just jump into a polygamous marriage shortly after. Some of these things take time to get used to and polygamy may not be for every woman so I'd recommend that no husband rush into it under these circumstances.
This is not to say that the person who started this thread is doing this to his wife or that his wife feels this way. Just my own thoughts.
POLYMISS said:ah, i see. so either i answer the question your way, or my answer doesn't count as an answer. lol, that's cute
Let not your heart be troubled. The question has been answered.
A
Anonymous
Guest
I would like to add another dimension to the answers here:
Sometimes women don't say what they mean. Men tend to be more simple and just want what they want. Women can be more complex sometimes. There is such a thing as a passive/aggresive poerson that says one things and really wants to mean it all the way but is secretly hoping that something else will magically happen that her husbqand will just read her mind, etc. Correct me if I'm wrong on this people. We can't know what's in this gentleman's wife's heart. We know they need counsel. GO SLOW is the best counsel wether the lady has revved up her engines to work within a poly familiy or wether she is dreaming of her hubby putting it in reverse(and just not saying it out of fear.) This is all silly immature romantic stuff (even the christian bookstores sell more romance novels than bibles, I think!) But it is women's weakness. That is what the polymiss was trying to say. Wife doesn't biblically have to be coerced. She is not the one marrying the new lady! She either accepts or reject. It is her husband's love and patience for all his family that can soften her heart and klead her to loving acceptance of poly if that is what God has called her Hubby to do.
Sometimes women don't say what they mean. Men tend to be more simple and just want what they want. Women can be more complex sometimes. There is such a thing as a passive/aggresive poerson that says one things and really wants to mean it all the way but is secretly hoping that something else will magically happen that her husbqand will just read her mind, etc. Correct me if I'm wrong on this people. We can't know what's in this gentleman's wife's heart. We know they need counsel. GO SLOW is the best counsel wether the lady has revved up her engines to work within a poly familiy or wether she is dreaming of her hubby putting it in reverse(and just not saying it out of fear.) This is all silly immature romantic stuff (even the christian bookstores sell more romance novels than bibles, I think!) But it is women's weakness. That is what the polymiss was trying to say. Wife doesn't biblically have to be coerced. She is not the one marrying the new lady! She either accepts or reject. It is her husband's love and patience for all his family that can soften her heart and klead her to loving acceptance of poly if that is what God has called her Hubby to do.