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Poly_submit

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Female
DH has a new GF, they went on their first date about 1 1/2 months ago and she is now aprox 1 month pg.
She and her son have been living w/ us in our 2 bed apartment for over a month now.
She sleeps in our bed w/ him almost every night, while I sleep on the couch w/ her son & wants to spend every waking moment w/ him. She won't lay down unless he does, and has been reprimanded at work for not showing up because she was too tired. She seems to feel that if he doesnt work on a particular day, between looking after, cleaning up after and preparing meals for my 2 kids and her son, He and I should have plenty of time to spend together. I feel like I'm being pushed out, I am feeling angry and depressed. I am not sure if I can cope w/ this. I have had thoughts of leaving my over 10 year marriage.
I feel that my husband's irresponsibility has trapped me in my own personal Hell.
All I want to do here lately is go be by myself and cry, but I can't get a moment alone.
Please tell me of something that can help.
 
Hello. I'm sorry that you're going through such a rough time right now. It appears that your husband is not handling this situation very well. This obviously is making things very difficult for you. However it is what it is and you need to be able to cope with what is happening. The first thing you need to understand is that she is not his girlfriend, she is his wife. She is your sister wife now. She is not going anywhere, not like a girlfriend could. Have you talked to your husband about all of your concerns and complaints? That should be your first step. The next step talking to her about how you're feeling.

Something good to mention to your husband would be Exodus 21:10,' If he take him another wife, her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage shall he not diminish.' When read in context, 'her' is refering to the first wife and 'duty of marriage' refers to intimacy, in other words he can't diminish the relationship he has with you to go after another woman, you should both be treated equally. Is he on Biblical Families? I'd encourage him to come on here and have a read through things and have a chat with the men.

It sounds like your husband has jumped into this a bit too fast, is in the crazy new love stage, and was ill prepared to deal with two wives both physically (having enough rooms etc) as well as emotionally.
 
Great advice Sarah. It would be good if he could talk to the men. The same exact topics coming out of your mouth will not have the same weight with him as the same message coming from men who have already made the same mistakes he is making and have found solutions that work.
 
They still consider that she is his GF as she has not officially committed to having a ceremony. Right now the reasoning is the fact that she is pg, as she is not wanting to get married due to a baby. I say they should have thought of that before they started doing things that might result in a baby. I understand that she Knew it was highly unlikely that she get pg, but that's how it goes, I guess.
I think I can say that I've gotten out of the house 5 times since they started dating in October, twice w/ just him. Aprox once a month, when I get tired of feeling neglected, he schedules a date. They leave the house together almost every day to run errands and end up being gone for @least 4-5 hours at a time, sometimes having lunch and dinner while they are out.
She has asked him if he wants her to watch the kids for a bit and let me go, but he always says that it'll be ok.
He getting really mad at me because I've been complaining that I feel like I'm being pushed out. I feel like the 2 dates ( one was cut short and he ended up going to a bar w/ one of his friends & the other was lunch yesterday) are merely a consolation prize for sticking around or something. Yesterday, I expressed the desire to be able to atleast go look at some things that the kids might get for Christmas, but we didn't have time for that as we had to go back home so she could go to work. She ended up not having to go to work till much later, so they went together and did all the Christmas shopping. He felt it shouldn't be a problem, as his original plan was I stay at home w/ the kids (as usual) and he do it alone.
He got mad at me because I was upset and frustrated because I didn't get to do any of it last year either. All I want right now is to feel like I am included, that he does think of me from time to time.
I can't get him to come on here, I've told him about it, I've even explained that in my eyes, when he became intimate w/ her he might as well have married her, but he doesn't seem to agree. I even begged him not to take that step so soon, but he does what he wants anyway, regardless of what I think or how I feel. Now we find ourselves in this situation & me not knowing how to cope.
 
Just a consideration: One of the moderators should consider moving this to a room where men can see this message as well.
 
We can see it. This is the open forum. Just are not allowed to respond, regardless of the temptation.

But yes, this could be moved to an open forum, and men would have stuff to say! Requires Poly_Submit's permission. She may prefer to only receive female perspective answers.

CecilW
Moderator
 
I would appreciate a mans opinion, I wasn't sure where I should post, so I just came straight here. I have spent a lot of time here lately trying to figure out just how much of what I am feeling is just plain selfishness, but I don't think I can work through things (mentally) on my on this time.
 
Poly_submit said:
I would appreciate a mans opinion, I wasn't sure where I should post, so I just came straight here. I have spent a lot of time here lately trying to figure out just how much of what I am feeling is just plain selfishness, but I don't think I can work through things (mentally) on my on this time.
Click to expand...

I am still reeling from your OP and truly do not feel I can add anything in a non emotive fashion and so instead I will say, you are definitely NOT being selfish!

B
 
As far as her sleeping in our bed and me taking the couch. That happened after I found out she was pg, she has scoliosis and already has issues w/ her back, so until we can get a bigger place where she can have her own bed or maybe an air mattress, I insisted she not sleep on the couch. My problem is, on top of this, she goes everywhere he goes, when he leaves the house, she goes wherever he goes when he's home. She won't stay in the bed if he gets up, even if she just lay down an hour or even 3 mins ago. They also work from the same office, while she is on dispatch and he's a driver, they still visit even more on his way to & from work. So he leaves out atleast an hour early so he can visit w/ her for a little while & gets home 3-4 hours after he gets back to the office.
DH says those "outings" happen spontaneously & I agreed that the only thing that's been planned are my 2 "dates" w/ him. Apparently she doesn't like the idea of everything being planned out and prefers spontaneity (she told me this herself this morning).
Before he found out she was pg, he was working really hard to make sure she understood that I have equal rights, but ever since he found out, everything is about her feelings and what she needs.
I've explained my frustration w/ this to him several times and finally last night he stated that she and I need to get together and figure out some type of schedule & of course, she's really not all that keen on that. I've told him that a MTWTFSS type of schedule won't work, as her schedule is erratic and he only officially has Sat off.
I apologize for the tone of the first 2 posts, but I've just gotten to the point of constant frustration & DH is not very happy w/ me right now.
 
Moved to "Marriage Issues" to allow male input.

The behavior described here is certainly not supported in any way by Biblical Families, this is exactly what the general Western society imagines polygamy would be like, which is why they understandably hate the idea. This ministry exists to help people live Godly, loving marriages, following the excellent advice given throughout the Bible.

Sadly, we cannot help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. If anyone has any good ideas for how Poly_submit could effectively communicate to her husband the need for something to change that would be very helpful. Remember there are three sides to this story, and we have only heard one - but that one side is enough to show that a wife is very unhappy in her marriage, so there is something wrong, even if the other parties would disagree over details of the situation.

I am glad to hear you are taking some initial steps towards routine, and your husband recognized your needs at least in the past. This is very promising.

I am very impressed with your dedication in sticking out this tough situation so far, and am praying for you.
 
Male response coming:

Unless he has some REALLY, REALLY amazing other side of the story, you're right -- you aren't being treated correctly BY HIM.

HE is the head of the home, and it is up to HIM to straighten his own behavior out, not pass it off to the adversarial and already disgruntled women!

He also needs to clearly understand that he IS setting the stage for you to have every moral right to leave with whatever legal and financial repercussions ensue.

PM is about male responsibility, NOT about more male coddling and privilege while wives sink lower and lower on the importance scale.

As to the new lady not wanting to accept wife status, then what on earth is she doing in your home? Where did she live before she tipped over backwards? Why does she not remain there and see him occasionally until she makes up her mind to really join up?

NOT COOL, Amigo (DH). Time to man up. Having said that, it IS fixable. But not via male disengagement or anger toward just complaints.

Adding to that, I second everything FollowingHim just said.
 
All I can say is be very prayerful. The power of prayer is an amazing thing. Are you a believer/follower of Christ.
 
I have to admit I find myself having to remind myself to pray. But I will also say, that even through my times of working through the ultimate understanding that I am truly unworthy of Gods love and his sacrifice. Even as struggled then, I know that God has always been w/ me, guiding me & supporting me. I can always look back, no matter the trial & know that God was there, making sure I had everything I needed, ensuring my survival, drawing me ever closer to him.
 
I managed to get him to at least partially admit what the situation really is.
I finally had to explain it to him this way, cause he just wasn't seeing it: I asked him " is it: I would like to make this work, I want her to become a part of this family. Or is it: she has become a part of our family, I need to make this work?" He admitted that it was the latter as I explained that the first is a GF, the second is a wife.
Apparently, we have a lot to talk about as she spent almost 4 hours talking to him before he came home. I told him, I'm not backing down this time & he says she's not going to either. So, we'll see what happens...
 
What is she not backing down on, exactly?

Frankly, it shouldn't be a matter of either her or you "not backing down" on something the two of you disagree over. It should be about HIM stepping up to fixing the problem, because he's both the head of the home and the one in the middle who has brought this situation about by choosing to take first you and then her. Is he just a messenger in an argument between the two of you about the state of your marriages? That's completely backwards and won't work for so many reasons...

Things are a right mess, but each detail can be fixed if you look at it differently. For instance, let's consider your sleeping arrangements - your children in one room, them in the other, you and her son on the couch. No wonder you feel rejected. But even in your very tight apartment I bet there's a way you could come up with a fair and equal sleeping arrangement. Here's a few examples to think about:
- Any reason her son can't go in the children's room?
- Get a small air mattress. You and her take turns in the lounge on that and in the bedroom.
- The three of you sleep in the big bed, one disappears to the lounge when the others want intimacy.
- One wife per bedroom, husband swaps around, children camp in the lounge.
- One wife per bedroom, with her children, lounge used for intimacy.
etc, etc. Think outside the box.

However even with this, it's your husband who needs to recognise the need to treat you equally before any of this can happen. Good on you helping him to make that one tiny little admission, its a baby step in the right direction.
 
Well, we've talked for a bit and I reminded of the promise he made to me before he found out she was pg. he wouldn't go out w/ her until I had a chance to do the same & continue to take turns. I have been told this will not work because she has a lot on her plate right now, but he will Try to make it more equal. I told him I have a lot on my plate right now as well & I will Try to be more patient, but if things continue to be the way they are right now, it's Not going to work out.
 
I'm back to seconding FollowingHim. Your HUSBAND is the one with a lot on his plate right now. And "stepping up to the plate" involves a LOT more than being a messenger boy between you and your new sister-wife.

He needs to FIX things. HE is the one who must say, "We'll take these steps to establish equity." And HE is the one who must not back down -- to her.

Btw, IMHO, each of you in your own bedroom, with the kids in the living room until you can get moved to a larger place, sounds like the preferable option to me, with hubby back and forth on some sort of equitable schedule of nights.

Another question you might ask him is whether in his mind she is an addition to the family or a replacement for you? If the former, a followup question would be whether that message has been clearly communicated to her? Next followup question would be to ask him to carefully examine his own conduct asking himself whether he is LIVING as though it is the former or the latter?
 
At this moment, he seems to think that the 2 of us going at it together is going to solve everything for him. He says that we are fighting for his attention & I told him we shouldn't have to. She & I both agree that if he will step up to the plate and actually take her up on her offers to watch the kids while I go to Walmart w/ him, things wouldn't be at this point.
She has gotten to the point where she lets me know that she asks him this, every time they do something together & that she can't fully relax and enjoy being w/ him because she knows that it will cause upset.
She says she agrees w/ me that he needs to take responsibility for his decisions and I don't think that it should get to the point of me having to constantly be telling him to the point that he gets tired of hearing me say that I need some one on one time w/ him away from the house. I've tried explaining to him that me getting out of the house w/o the kids is like me getting a couple hours off work and he tells me I signed up for this when I became a SAHM.
I didn't start getting upset until about a couple weeks ago, when I noticed the extreme shift in their relationship. All of his attention was suddenly on her, I got to the pojnt where I even stopped approaching him for a hug, cause he would just ignore me. While I did appreciate being let in on their secret last week, I don't think he realizes that that's when it truly became real for me. I've tried explaining that's when I realized that I truly had absolutely no choice in this and started to feel that this is how things are going to be for the rest of my life.
I don't want to be left at home w/ the kids while they run around, have fun & do whatever they want, whenever they want for the rest of my life.
 
he tells me I signed up for this when I became a SAHM.
Click to expand...

Hmmm. And you signed up for equitable treatment when you agreed to PM instead of getting an immediate divorce. So his choices seem to be to fulfill his part of the bargain or watch his world disintegrate.

Interestingly, it sounds as though your SW is actually trying to make some get-along overtures, but he's short circuiting them! Of course, she COULD refuse to go along unless you'd had some time out too...
 
I would like to encourage you to spend more time in prayer for your situation. It is not that God doesn't know what is going on but that prayer gives us a chance to actively entreat Him to move in the Spiritual realm on our behalf. I also think that having to put into words overwhelming emotions gives us a better perspective in our minds eye. Also, ask God to show you more of the "root" issues that need to be dealt with. Why is your husband dealing with things the way he is? What fears does your sister wife have that effect things? What fears do you have that need to be addressed? Only God can bring order and peace to manmade chaos! Keep talking, but with intent, with respect and lots of prayer to support it.

I am truly sorry you are having to deal with so many difficult things. My prayers are with you and that God would bring you hope for the future in the midst of them.
 
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