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Needing advice and support

hartley

hartley

New Member
Female
hello,

I just became a second wife on the 27th of October. I think that I have joined a wonderful family and I absolutely love everyone.

The issue I am having is with my sister wife. She's easily offended and quick to anger. I moved into her life and her home. I gave up everything I've been until now to be here. And she treats it like I'm this intruder that's an inconvenience and here to steal her husband and replace her. I want and need her to show where things go, how she likes things done and expecally how needs me to be to share our husband. But she's resistant and keeps saying to our husband that he brought me in he can make all those decisions.

I feel as if at any moment I am going to hurt her and it's majorly stressing me out. I love her and I want her to accept me and help me make this work. I love our husband and their kids dearly.

I keep trying to reassure her that I don't want to replace her and I love her and want to make sure everything I do will not be in harm or hurt. That I wanted a plural marriage and that the last thing I want to do is hurt her.

I feel handicapped in this cause no matter how hard I try I still keep hurting her.
 
Hi Hartley c:

I am not in a plural marriage, so not sure if I have much to offer on the topic.

I think you're doing what you can - the things that need to take place need to happen in her heart. And perhaps your husband needs to take action there, and assure that neither of you are left feeling defensive or wounded.

Keep doing what you're doing. You're assimilating into a new household, which can be difficult anyway without a sisterwife dynamic! Ask the questions you need to ask, even if they annoy her. Draw on God, and your husband, for the strength to just hold your head high and keep loving your new family while she goes through this.

As the leader of your family, I'm sure your husband fully understands his responsibility to his wives and that he will provide safety for communication in this new situation.
You're all so blessed.

Hopefully some more experienced women will chime in here. Feel free to check out the ladies chat room in a few hours
 
Before I can comment on anything in specific terms, I have to ask. Was your sister wife interested in plural marriage at all? I mean, do you really and truly believe that she was on board with taking another wife?

I can share my experience in general terms. Whenever I have an issue with a sister wife or they have an issue with me, a lot of the time it has more to do with our relationship with our husband than the relationship with each other. We are A LOT more likely to lash out at each other if we're in a bad place with him. I can give you an example. When I was new in the marriage, I had a big fight with my husband while I was visiting him at work. We made up, but there were still hurt feelings on both sides. Later that day, I came in to the living room to find him having a nice chat with another wife. They were smiling and laughing, and I felt resentment that was like a fire in my heart. For the entire evening, I ignored her and snapped when she addressed me. I was redirecting my sadness at having fought with my husband.

I think the best thing you can do is promote her relationship with your husband. Give them space. Suggest a date night for them. Encourage him to be sweet to her and other things like that. It is so special when a sister wife wants the same for you as she wants for herself.
 
I don't have any advice because I am a first and only at this point. I can speak from my own heart though. Earlier this year, I tried to talk myself into being more ready for this life change than my heart was REALLY ready for. It is a huge shift in thinking and a huge life change for a first wife to accept that her husband is or could he happy loving another person. I tried to convince myself that even though it hurt, it would just be better if he would hurry and marry so that I could work through the emotions once it was final so I didn't have to go through the heartache of the what-ifs. In hindsight, I had a ton of insecurities and heart issues that would have really caused problems for all the relationships (mine/his, his/hers, hers/mine).. I still have a long way in my heart to go.
I'm not sure your situation in how long she knew about PM, how long she's known you or how her relationship truly is with the husband. I know it is a fragile place in her life because her life has completely changed too. If your friendship was good before the marriage, I wouldn't take her actions personally against you. Give it time to let things just fall in place. You seem like you have a kind heart, so keep doing what you are.
Ultimately, it is your husbands job to help smooth it over and run his house. They have had a longer relationship, so she should be more receptive to hearing him out on how she should treat you in his home and he should be able to understand what is going on in her heart.
Like Lili mentioned above, it may have nothing to do with you specifically, but more in response to her hurt with the hubs.
As a first wife (real deep heart honesty moment- yes my heart isn't fully ready to accept a SW yet.. As you will see), I can't help to feel like the second wife has the choice to sacrifice their existing life to choose to jump into this life and enjoy the benefits and love from a wonderful man.. While on the other hand, the first wife doesn't have the choice, she is called to submit to her husbands decisions and is then forced to accept the life changes and sacrifice some of the time/ love she was use to having alone. If her heart is not in a place to happily accept these changes, I can see where her anger and hurt has come from.
But all of that to say, I don't think it anything you are doing/ not doing. You could be the best house cleaner, best cook, best manicurist, let her just rest not lift a hand, and she would prob still snap at you if her heart isn't in a good place. She is probably dealing with insecurities and just plain not feeling like she is "good enough" because her husband wants to love another too.
Try to enjoy your new married life, even if it is just when you and hubs are behind closed doors until things settle down.
Sorry for my long ramble. ;)
 
I'm sorry you are going through this. I understand your sister wife's pain, but it still sucks to be the focus of her anger. *hugs*

All you can do is keep up the communication with her and continue to promote your happy marriages.

How come you don't have a place to be alone with him? Do you not have your own bedroom?
 
Aw that sounds so difficult. I'm sorry. I can't imagine not being able to seek some comfort from your hubs in the midst of emotional chaos. Emotions aren't an excuse but they are there and as a woman, difficult to move past (and I'm sure there are some strong emotions on both sides).
Does your sw know any other first wives that she could talk to to help her move past where she is at?
Does your hubs know any other men that have two wives that could help him navigate the rough seas?
 
I am sorry for taking so long to reply. I have not been reading the forums as much lately for various reasons. Glad to have you here Hartley! I am sorry things are not going all that well right now. I really appreciate your willingness to "make it work". I don't mean any disrespect but I'm afraid that your story is another cautionary tale of how NOT to get into plural marriage. Those who have been in the plural community have seen it all too often, men and women not really taking the time to develop solid relationships between all three of them before making life time commitments. I understand that your sister wife was not truthful about her feelings but that is just another reason to take lots of time to give everyone a chance to truly absorb and understand the truth of this life. But it is done now and the consequences of the previous decisions must be dealt with. Even if a family takes the time it needs and the relational foundations are solid, there are ALWAYS adjustments that have to be worked thru at the beginning. Since your sister wife doesn't want to talk with you much then it really is about the leadership of your husband at this point. Pray for him to have wisdom for both of you. This is all new for him too so have grace for him and pray about how you can help him during this time. (Which might mean showing him how to get on the internet and read Biblical Familes. :) ) He is the one who must deal with the anger and hurt his first wife is struggling with. Hopefully his first wife will choose to trust him and mature in her relationship with him and her God. If nothing else, plural marriage pushes us to deal with our fears and insecurities. It can refine us into gold that can be a Glory to Him in the end but we all have a choice, and some don't choose to go thru the refining process because of how hard it is. I will be praying that you all will hold tight to your faith and allow the Lord to refine you into a glorious family that can be used for His plans.

I encourage you to continue to make some friendships here and read posts that will hopefully give you encouragement and truth. I also encourage you to continue to let your husband know how important a private space is for you. I am glad he is working things out to make that happen. It saddens me that that wasn't dealt with before you joined the family, though. As for him not being a man who seeks others advice, I encourage you to pray that God will show him that he really does need support in this new truth he is trying to live out. He will find that most men on this site are just like him. Men who come to this truth are usually self thinkers and don't rely on others to know what is right for themselves, but even with this dynamic, men need community and support on occasion from each other. Most importantly their families need it! As for your sister wife, she might be miffed at first to know you were asking for support and sharing things but I hope she will understand that your intent was only to find answers for your relationship with her because you care about her. I believe the benefit to her will out weigh her momentary pride. :) I am glad to hear you are having some good days amidst the difficult ones.

FYI, I am the first wife of Nathan, the Director of Biblical Families. We have been married for 28 years and have been a plural family for 20 years. We didn't do things "right" either and had many years of struggle but God was faithful and taught us many things. In 2008, God moved Nathan to start Biblical Families so that we could have some kind of community to lean on and provide support for others who were believers in Biblical plural marriage like us. I would be happy to talk with you privately anytime if you like, as would any of these wonderful ladies who responded to your post. Please let us know how we can support you.

With hope for the future!
 
One for thought Hartley, you are not responsible for the happiness of your sister wife. You can be a part of her life being good but her inside "okayness" is up to her. You are only responsible for doing the things that are right and good for you. Now after saying that, you can strive to be a good friend to her but if she doesn't want to let you in at this moment that is on her, not you. If we give out of expectation then we will always be disappointed, but if we give out of God's love that is in our hearts then God gives the blessing, and He is never disappointing. :)
 
hartley said:
Thanks for this, i was needing this truth today. Today with my sisterwife has been vary hard. She has bearly aknolaged me and anything i sugest she says no but then will turn around and do it.

Im frustrated and our husband has bren out all day planting the felds. I feel like no matter how hard i try she rejects me. And i have no place to talk alone with our husband becuase i still have no bedroom. I tried to go out into the feilds to talk with him hes just too busy.

Im just going to choose to be happy inspite of her rejection. I keep trying to get myself set up into the house but she just wont let me put anything of myself anywhere. Everything is still packed and i just want like my coffeypot out or something familiar on the table. She is unwilling help me intergrate into the home i mention this to our husband and he says everything will work out in time.

I feel stupid for trusting him that his first wife and their children were ready for me to be here. The truth is he was not ready and they wernt ready.
I feel isolated and alone surrounded by what should be my family.
Click to expand...

I think some struggles are inevitable, but this situation sounds a bit shocking...I really encourage you to stand up for yourself. Your new family should not be neglecting you.
Even if everything turned around tomorrow and things were suddenly great, it sounds like a good bit of damage has been done and there is going to be quite a bit of trust to gain.

This forum is a safe place and I would never want to pass judgment, we believe in your family. Speak up love, and put your coffee pot out, start conversations, and be confident in God's place for you. Your husband needs to hear you out, no excuses. We are praying that healing takes place in your home.
 
I am truly sorry you are having to go thru this kind of situation. It isn't how it should be. Rushing into plural marriage or just being in denial about what the state of emotions really are has a high cost. I do pray that your husband will step-up to the task and start leading all of his family in the right direction. Praying you have grace and wisdom for each day, Hartley.
 
Thinking about you.

Have there been any steps forward?

I really hope your husband has taken the time to comfort you and has made some kind of effort for you two to have alone time and intimacy.
 
I can't relate to your situation exactly, because I have not been in this place.. But I can totally relate and understand to the feelings of your emotions being out of control. I had many times after my husband brought up PM that I couldn't even function I was so deeply depressed with the thought of what it meant. My emotions took over and I literally prayed that God would just take me home so I didn't have to deal with it or feel the heartbreak involved. It was a really dark time. I felt alone and isolated. Through time, prayer and this forum my outlook has greatly improved, however I'm still working on it and have a long way to go.

Ultimately, you are in a position where your emotions and sadness are totally understandable. Yes, you chose to marry him and move out there, with the impression that things were different than they are. I'm sure your husband is torn. He sees his first wife upset too and he hasn't learned how to navigate in leading his home to help you both feel loved and to heal. I pray that he steps up. God will give you strength to keep going, even when you don't see how you can.

Is he at least willing to sleep next to you in the living room some nights to spend that time with you? Pillow talk and just connecting is so important (especially if you don't get any other alone time) (If too personal, don't feel like you have to answer).

How did your husband come to understand and want to live in PM?
 
I may be wrong here, but I don't see why you shouldn't have the option to leave. Take my words with a grain of salt because I don't know all of the details or the strength of your testimony. However, I believe it is 100% justifiable to seek annulment or divorce where circumstances were misrepresented. I apologize if that offends you or anybody else; I just hate to see women in unnecessary hardship.

With that being said, I hope things improve for you. I am praying for you. Whatever you decide to do, I am here to talk.
 
Oh I meant that your SW and husband weren't as ready for this change as you were under the impression to believe they were.. Not that your room wasn't ready. I'm glad you knew that already.

I'm rooting for you to be able to grow your relationship into something amazing. :)
 
The awesome thing about kids is they adapt well, especially young ones.. Plus you are a wife so there is nothing wrong with your husband sleeping next to you :) If it still feels awkward to you, just go to bed after the kiddos and wake up before they do ;) but I bet just having that time to connect and just be close will out way any of the awkwardness you might think would be there.
 
I'm glad you're going to try sleeping in the living room together, I think that will help a lot.
That book sounds great, especially if it's helped with your emotions. Life at the best of times can be very trying, let alone when things aren't going as planned.
 
Awesome Hartley! Kudos to you for searching for an answer that helps you in this situation and not choosing to just blame others or bring more strife to the situation with your initial emotional response. Praying for blessing on your family.
 
It sounds like things are improving with your husband stepping up. That's great! Your SW will probably get worse, because she's rebelling, but hopefully then will listen and improve her behaviour.
Can you have some one on one time with each of the children? Perhaps you could sit down and do some drawing or puzzles with them, or take them out for ice cream etc. It might be nice for them to get out of the house for a while, and to get to know you.
 
Girl, i feel so hurt reading this. There is not much i can do, but pray for you and the family. Are you near a retreat or do you know any plural families in real life?
You could really use some support and i think your sw too and maybe your husband too. I respect you for your commitment.

I'll give you my advise/opinion. It is just my opinion/ advise, if you think i am wrong that is ok, i am not in your situation, but maybe, possibly, it can help a bit so i'll try. It looks like your sw was not ready for this at all, and i think personally it wont help much if your husband just tells her that her behaviour is wrong, your sw seems to be in a very, very deep pain and suffering, possibly something like mourning. I think this is a time that you can show her you love her, as a sw and as a sister in Christ. Think about Him and what He wants from you. Pour out your love to your sw, pray to get the strength to do that. Care for your sw. So she can see a bit of Christ through you. It is hard, i can see that, and it hurts me to read that you have to be a hidden wife, i think no wive should be in that place. But i think the only way for you to get out of that hidden place is to show your love to your sw in this time that she is in a deep dark place, to show your love when she needs it most. I think it could help her to get out of this dark place, this suffering, and see how wonderfull her sw (you) is. Doing this together, it gives an opportunity to grow a very strong bond . I can't guarantee anything, but i know showing the humble love of Christ is always a good thing. You are in my prayers.
 
I see Thanksgiving as an opportunity for a turning point. It's not fair that you have to stay at a hotel - but it may be a great time for you to reflect, pray, and invest time in yourself and talk to God. And, hey, enjoy having your own room!
You can prepare to go into your family's home each day with the best possible attitude and disposition of love. Maybe this time for SW to be with her family and relive her "normal" one last time will give her the opportunity to heal and welcome you back home with open arms. I am praying for you, her, and your husband.
 
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