Not really sure how to title this one.

[melmacrhon]

We've all had a rough day or two around here. Not knowing how to title this message is probably the least of my problems. Some things have come to light in our home that I really either hadn't noticed or just flat out ignored. So, I came here to read through some past posts on various forums hoping I could gain some insight or just figure some stuff out, and I have to say I'm at a loss as to how or if I even want to proceed here. This is not a "talk me into or out of something" post. I don't work that way. I'm all for my husband being the leader and head of our family. So please don't think otherwise. We had an Ephesians 5 moment here and it really rubbed me wrong. I was lied to by one of the gr'kids who are currently living with us - not the first time by the way- and I was basically told to suck it up. This was not my idea of loving your wife as Christ loves the church.
I've asked for advice and suggestions for dealing with various things that have popped up in my/our lives in the last few months and one of the first pieces of advice I've had from various people who have responded has been "Let him lead". Okay, cool. But what if he isn't a good leader? My(our) husband is a good Christian man, he loves me (us) and has always taken excellent care of me ( and now my SW). But, he's a people pleaser and as much as it pains me to admit it that doesn't make him a great leader in lots of aspects. In some ways he has shown me wonderful leadership skills. Yes, I am just bitchy and grouchy this evening. But the truth is the truth. How do you do it?Especially when you've been the type who's always been independent, the one who had to make the decisions, the one who had to develop those skills as a matter of self preservation? Hubby and I have been together for 21 years and I never noticed this lack of leadership skills until the last few months. My heart it breaking. SW has also noticed some of these things and asked me about them. I had to tell her after some real thinking about it that yes, he has been this way all of our life together. I almost feel like I introduced them and "brought" her into this under false pretenses. I'm at the end of my rope and really don't know what to do or think next.

 

[FollowingHim2]

This isn't about the person that lied to you. I know you think you're mad about that, but you're really upset about this:

Hubby and I have been together for 21 years and I never noticed this lack of leadership skills until the last few months.

There's nothing like plural marriage to drag everyone's faults out of the woodwork. There's no hiding anything.
Maybe your husband isn't a great leader. He got by with one wife, but with two it's suddenly a whole lot harder. So, that's something he's going to have to learn, and he's not going to learn that overnight.

So, what's the best thing you can do in this situation? Let him lead. I know you don't want to hear that, but you're going to have to learn to trust him enough to allow him to grow. There's a reason everyone is telling you this. It doesn't mean that you can't voice your opinion or let him know when you think he's not leading enough.

All three of you are going to grow, it's the only way to proceed any further and it's a beautiful and wonderful thing. But it's also hard and painful and long. Support each other in this, even when it's hard, because you supporting the other members of your family will encourage your own growth along with theirs.

 

[Robeld]

One thing I learned from watching my parents, who DID NOT set a good example in this area, is that if you think he's not leading well and so you step in, he will definitely never learn to lead well. Even if it's "not right" in your opinion, I'm convinced that you must let him do it. Easier said than done for sure...

 

[melmacrhon]

Let him lead. I know you don't want to hear that, but you're going to have to learn to trust him enough to allow him to grow.

You're absolutely right. I don't want to hear that! I want to hear that I'm right to feel like he's failing me as a Christian husband. As I said before I'm feeling grouchy and bitchy! SW and I talked earlier today about his lack in some areas of leadership and we are going to talk to him about it. I do appreciate your thoughts on this and believe it or not I really am taking them to heart. I've had to support myself and my 2 kids, doing it all myself and having to make the decisions and face the consequences of them. I'm just too damn old and independent to be treated like a doormat by a man who has treated me like a queen for the last 20+ years.

 

[melmacrhon]

I'm convinced that you must let him do it. Easier said than done for sure...

It sure is!!! I'm reminded of when I had my last child. I was in a teaching hospital and I had placenta previa and the doctor wanted several students to come into the room to check me out so they could learn what this condition looked like. I was against the idea, and the doctor said "They have to learn" My response was "Let them learn on someone else." That's kind of how I'm feeling now.

 

[FollowingHim2]

Listen, I'm going to give you some advice here, based on your posts in this thread and others.

Stop thinking about yourself all the time.

You're acting selfish. You're in a grump and you think it's all about you. If this was a one off then I would understand, but it's not, and so it's a pattern. This is what happens when things don't go your way, you make it all about you. Suddenly you're being treated like a doormat when you want to be the queen.

It's not all about you. You are in a family here. A FAMILY. A place of love and giving and learning and growing. Your family is not just you, and it's not even just you and your kids.

You can't be selfish in a plural marriage. And that is one of the major beauties of it. You have to learn to work together and to put others ahead of you.

Learn how to get rid of the selfishness and jealousy (yes, it IS possible!) and that will take you a very long way in this journey.

All said with a sister's love .

 

[RainyLondonFog]

Oof what FH2 was some heavy stuff. But right on. I completely agree with what has been posted by her and @Robhar.

So here's my theory. The Lord is always growing us. Always. He is always going to find something that needs improvement. He knows your husband needs to learn to lead and He knows you need to not be quite so focused on your needs. You can drag your feet through this process and make it as painful and as long as possible, or just surrender. I've found that when I think my husband needs correction which used to be often, and if I told him I NEVER got the results I wanted. But then when I decided I would surrender and pray for him and let God change my husband's areas that I thought needed to be improved there was a change. And I can't say the change was only on his side. I think most of the problem was my wanting to be in control and when I gave that up and trusted his leading not only did I see more of how correctly he was already leading but my heart changed in the process. That's part of my story and it may not be all the way applicable to yours but the main thing I want to encourage is that if there is necessary growth needing to take place, realize some of it is on your side and the part that's on your husband's side is God's task. Let Him grow His child and place your trust in God's ability. See the good things in your husband rather than focusing on his lacking areas. And also realize all growth is usually painful so be patient with yourself and those in your family as you all are growing.

 

[Foxlily]

SW and I talked earlier today about his lack in some areas of leadership and we are going to talk to him about it.

That's great but don't gang up on him. You need to come from love not disgruntled disappointment.

Can you follow him regardless of his decisions, good or bad? That's probably the hardest thing to do.

Have things changed? Or is he trying to lead and you don't like how he's changing because he IS taking control. Hence the 'doormat' statement.