Calloed nursing home and they are gonna work with our friend. Thanks every one.
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Ok some one give advice please!
- Thread starter Revgill87123
- Start date
Revgill,
There has to be something between total dependence and kicking her to the curb. Yes, I think you took on too much. You have had a rough year and are probably only just back on your feet. Last week you were talking about the possibility of splitting up with Becky and now you have an additional and very needy member of the family.
I think that you should get in contact with agencies that help older, indigent people and see if you can work out a situation for her. If she has dementia, she will get progressively worse. She needs to have professional care. Then you and Becky can assume your proper roles to her, cherished friends and loved ones.
I know you have a huge heart, but some things are beyond us. We need to know when there is nothing more you can do for her.
SweetLissa
There has to be something between total dependence and kicking her to the curb. Yes, I think you took on too much. You have had a rough year and are probably only just back on your feet. Last week you were talking about the possibility of splitting up with Becky and now you have an additional and very needy member of the family.
I think that you should get in contact with agencies that help older, indigent people and see if you can work out a situation for her. If she has dementia, she will get progressively worse. She needs to have professional care. Then you and Becky can assume your proper roles to her, cherished friends and loved ones.
I know you have a huge heart, but some things are beyond us. We need to know when there is nothing more you can do for her.
SweetLissa
I agree with SweetLissa. There is a huge difference between kicking someone to the curb and getting them the help they need, when they've lost it too badly to seek it themselves, then sticking with them as continual, concerned friends.
One is reprehensible, the other responsible.
Reprehensible is not loving. Responsible is.
One is reprehensible, the other responsible.
Reprehensible is not loving. Responsible is.
Speaking of dependence...
Hi everyone.. What do you do when a possible new mother in law wants you to give more and more money indirectly thru her daughter by pressuring her? Her daughter is sweet but is very submissive especially to her mom. Her mom is a good person but probably thinks I am loaded and stingy because I only leave them a couple of hundred when I visit. I don't want to be a milk cow (being taken advantage of) and even start to jeopardize my little family in the states by bleeding too much time energy and money.
How does one politely deal with this? So far I think I am just making people mad there. lol I am kind of direct and sometimes can be too blunt. I pray for a more eloquent way to speak. I just told the daughter what I started to notice and she got offended.
Thanks
Hi everyone.. What do you do when a possible new mother in law wants you to give more and more money indirectly thru her daughter by pressuring her? Her daughter is sweet but is very submissive especially to her mom. Her mom is a good person but probably thinks I am loaded and stingy because I only leave them a couple of hundred when I visit. I don't want to be a milk cow (being taken advantage of) and even start to jeopardize my little family in the states by bleeding too much time energy and money.
How does one politely deal with this? So far I think I am just making people mad there. lol I am kind of direct and sometimes can be too blunt. I pray for a more eloquent way to speak. I just told the daughter what I started to notice and she got offended.
Thanks
You may have a problem there, cubanito. May have to tell the young lady in question that you are interested in HER, not her family. That it will be necessary for her to LEAVE theirs, join yours, and concentrate on what will build her new family, not look at you as a resource for her old.
That may be too big a leap for her to make, given her culture. If that is the case, then you may need to ask yourself whether seeking a wife in that culture is truly what you want to do?
No matter whether you truly care about someone or not, deal-breakers DO exist.
That may be too big a leap for her to make, given her culture. If that is the case, then you may need to ask yourself whether seeking a wife in that culture is truly what you want to do?
No matter whether you truly care about someone or not, deal-breakers DO exist.
Cubanito,
I cannot imagine asking a man I was dating (even seriously) to leave me a couple hundred dollars everytime he spends time with me. That is an amazing amount of money and you are already spending money going to visit her and court her. Frankly, I think I would feel like a prostitute with mom as my pimp. (Even if you are not intimately involved.) I have issues taking money from my hubby (even after all these years).
I am sorry, I don't think this is love at all. I think it is mercenary and I think that you would probably be money (and heartache) ahead to stop being her mother's private ATM.
You are far to sweet and handsome and terrific to be treated this way.
SWeetLissa
I cannot imagine asking a man I was dating (even seriously) to leave me a couple hundred dollars everytime he spends time with me. That is an amazing amount of money and you are already spending money going to visit her and court her. Frankly, I think I would feel like a prostitute with mom as my pimp. (Even if you are not intimately involved.) I have issues taking money from my hubby (even after all these years).
I am sorry, I don't think this is love at all. I think it is mercenary and I think that you would probably be money (and heartache) ahead to stop being her mother's private ATM.
You are far to sweet and handsome and terrific to be treated this way.
SWeetLissa
Scarecrow
Member
"How does one politely deal with this?"
Understand that in many poorer countries it is common for families to involve their daughters with foreigners with the intent of obtaining money for their family (pimping and prostituting in my opinion). It is a mindset that foreigners are rich, and they deserve to have as much of it as they can get. They will force her to lie. A friend of mine in California just got the heat put on him for the first time...he was told that she needed money because her father was very sick. He is planning to visit her this month and I suggested that he not send any money, and go to the hospital where her father supposedly was taken for his illness and verify the circumstances. If he was not hospitalized it was not that serious if he was even sick at all and I suggested contacting the local authorities and reporting the family for fraud. If you see a pattern develop, like an urgent matter every month, you are being milked - start looking for another girl.
You have three choices: 1) Take the girl away from her family. As long as she is staying with them she is more their family than yours. 2) Tell her that you will give her what you have budged for her (not her family) and if she asks for more you will end the relationship. 3) End the relationship.
Understand that in many poorer countries it is common for families to involve their daughters with foreigners with the intent of obtaining money for their family (pimping and prostituting in my opinion). It is a mindset that foreigners are rich, and they deserve to have as much of it as they can get. They will force her to lie. A friend of mine in California just got the heat put on him for the first time...he was told that she needed money because her father was very sick. He is planning to visit her this month and I suggested that he not send any money, and go to the hospital where her father supposedly was taken for his illness and verify the circumstances. If he was not hospitalized it was not that serious if he was even sick at all and I suggested contacting the local authorities and reporting the family for fraud. If you see a pattern develop, like an urgent matter every month, you are being milked - start looking for another girl.
You have three choices: 1) Take the girl away from her family. As long as she is staying with them she is more their family than yours. 2) Tell her that you will give her what you have budged for her (not her family) and if she asks for more you will end the relationship. 3) End the relationship.
Thanks guys... I was working on choice one and recently two (after she told me it wasn't enough), now seems the third one is the most logical. You see she lost her job because when we first met she took of a week instead of the 3 days she was allowed. I warned several times to clear it with her boss and she didn't, so I felt compelled to help her and I told her I would help with what I could, I told her it would be a little less than what she made. She only made about 300 (on the good months) a month at work on a beauty shop. She also got about 200 from her ex, the father of her 2 girls and when he found out she was dating another man, he almost cut it off and slaped her a few times.
So I was giving her almost that to help but started notising that she didn't even say thanks when I did and fianlly said it was almost not enough and that i told her I would help. I said help with what I can, that's what I am doing. I don't want to feel pressure. And besides i feel, people shouldn't despice a willing gift. That makes one loose the desire to give.
I notised nowadays the "entitlement" thing is very strong on people, especially on many ladies I have met over time. Why is this even in south america? I wonder Reminds me of the song "what have you done for me lately" lol
A man wants someone who's at least helps in some way weather it be with the home, encouragment, children, any support is nice. I guess many forget about the help mate thing. Lissa you are very sweet and Randy I am sure is very glad to have you in his life. That is what most uf us want, a true help mate, not a me, me, me person. Just rambling now.. lol
Sad thing is that it is 9 months wasted (or lessons learned), lots of time, money and energy, she was even ok with poly and was very affectionate and nice, a clean girl. I had already started the long and expensive legal process to bring her here so I will just have to tell big brother, "never mind, keep the money". Oh well... If I am correct, it will make it much more difficult or impossible if I want to do that process in the future.
On the positive side, I have more time to spend with my girls here and not be constantly on the phone. lol I was alway so tired, that kind of stuff is exhausting.
Maybe if I was a unic I would't even look for anyone to add to my family. lol I want one that will help make my family better.
Cubanito
So I was giving her almost that to help but started notising that she didn't even say thanks when I did and fianlly said it was almost not enough and that i told her I would help. I said help with what I can, that's what I am doing. I don't want to feel pressure. And besides i feel, people shouldn't despice a willing gift. That makes one loose the desire to give.
I notised nowadays the "entitlement" thing is very strong on people, especially on many ladies I have met over time. Why is this even in south america? I wonder Reminds me of the song "what have you done for me lately" lol
A man wants someone who's at least helps in some way weather it be with the home, encouragment, children, any support is nice. I guess many forget about the help mate thing. Lissa you are very sweet and Randy I am sure is very glad to have you in his life. That is what most uf us want, a true help mate, not a me, me, me person. Just rambling now.. lol
Sad thing is that it is 9 months wasted (or lessons learned), lots of time, money and energy, she was even ok with poly and was very affectionate and nice, a clean girl. I had already started the long and expensive legal process to bring her here so I will just have to tell big brother, "never mind, keep the money". Oh well... If I am correct, it will make it much more difficult or impossible if I want to do that process in the future.
On the positive side, I have more time to spend with my girls here and not be constantly on the phone. lol I was alway so tired, that kind of stuff is exhausting.
Maybe if I was a unic I would't even look for anyone to add to my family. lol I want one that will help make my family better.
Cubanito
Sad thing is that I did care for her and feel very sad, she was very tender, sweet and clean, didn't have hardly any vices and was a good mom to her two girls. When it came to doing stuff at home she was pretty diligent. I would have considered her one of the best girls I met, with the exception of the money / entitlement issue.
I like to explore other places, now I lost my foreign companion for a while. lol She is also very jealous of when I add new "friends" that are ladies on my facebook, silly ha.. I am thinking, i don't even really know most of the people there and are friends and acquaintances. I don't care how many "friends she has" I don't have the time or the desire to sit all day paranoid monitoring who she added. lol
And no, for now I don't think she can choose me over her family's interests. She is "in" there with them and is all she knows, so I am an outside "host" they must tap into weather they realize it or not. She still lives with her mom, sister etc, that is typical there.
Down there moms are very matriarch and run the hen house, besides her dad passed away a long time ago. It would be a big miracle is this situation can be saved but I will pray for Gods best will for us. Only God can do anything and make things work well. Everything is up to him.
I like to explore other places, now I lost my foreign companion for a while. lol She is also very jealous of when I add new "friends" that are ladies on my facebook, silly ha.. I am thinking, i don't even really know most of the people there and are friends and acquaintances. I don't care how many "friends she has" I don't have the time or the desire to sit all day paranoid monitoring who she added. lol
And no, for now I don't think she can choose me over her family's interests. She is "in" there with them and is all she knows, so I am an outside "host" they must tap into weather they realize it or not. She still lives with her mom, sister etc, that is typical there.
Down there moms are very matriarch and run the hen house, besides her dad passed away a long time ago. It would be a big miracle is this situation can be saved but I will pray for Gods best will for us. Only God can do anything and make things work well. Everything is up to him.
Scarecrow
Member
They are expecting you to be a husband to her and a replacement father for the family. If there is a way for you to bring her to be with you that would be best. Once she is with you she could work a part time job and make enough money to send to her family to keep them taken care of while not being a burden on you and your first family. Sounds like a win-win to me.
If we start talking again (it's been almost 2 days), then we will talk about that option. She told me last time I was there she wanted to get a job once she's here but, she would have to wait for a work permit to be able to really find any kind of semi decent job. I don't mind supporting her and her little daughters once they are here at all, actually I was expecting that. They would live at the same standard as the rest of us, no more, no less. It's just that I felt pressured and being taken advantage of lately and her cold attitude recently made me mention what I thought was the issue. But, if I bring them in my fold, they would be like the rest of us. Now if she wants to work, it's ok with me, as long as we can still spend some time together, if not, what's the point of doing all this.
Guess I was pretty brutally honest when I told her what I was seeing, it's my personality. You see, she started acting indifferent and cold Monday (I found out yesterday it was because I added other women on my facebook) so if she told her mom how I feel, she would probably be furious that I would go there and think that of her. The truth shall set one free.. One way or another.. lol God has very good advice.
Her biggest issue is her super quiet nature, she almost doesn't talk and much less of things that affect us because she might feel embarrassed, upset or something, it not easy to get her to talk about anything. Never meet anyone so quiet before. It's hard to talk sometimes because she's so quiet, she's used to face to face but I live 2000+ miles away right now.
She is a very good girl, that's what makes this more difficult.
I almost didn't even have time for myself. Last night finally got to fix a little scooter all evening and didn't have to worry about hurting her feelings if I didn't call on time. She is needy but tender.
Please, pray for this situation, my God's best will be done. Looking forward to fellowship with all of our friends in BF, sorry I have been down for a while. May God do what's best...
Cubanito
Guess I was pretty brutally honest when I told her what I was seeing, it's my personality. You see, she started acting indifferent and cold Monday (I found out yesterday it was because I added other women on my facebook) so if she told her mom how I feel, she would probably be furious that I would go there and think that of her. The truth shall set one free.. One way or another.. lol God has very good advice.
Her biggest issue is her super quiet nature, she almost doesn't talk and much less of things that affect us because she might feel embarrassed, upset or something, it not easy to get her to talk about anything. Never meet anyone so quiet before. It's hard to talk sometimes because she's so quiet, she's used to face to face but I live 2000+ miles away right now.
She is a very good girl, that's what makes this more difficult.
I almost didn't even have time for myself. Last night finally got to fix a little scooter all evening and didn't have to worry about hurting her feelings if I didn't call on time. She is needy but tender.
Please, pray for this situation, my God's best will be done. Looking forward to fellowship with all of our friends in BF, sorry I have been down for a while. May God do what's best...
Cubanito