Access Comments on One Woman's Journey
BF Staff Note: This was written several months ago, but wasn't ready for release until now. Thank you, Eternitee, for sharing this very personal journey.
One Woman’s Journey
It is hard to explain 40 something years of who you are in a few sentences. It is also difficult to explain things to total strangers and expose who you are as a person when you don't know their core beliefs/judgments, but I will try.
I got married in the early 90s, so I am approaching my 20th wedding anniversary. Neither of us was religious. Actually I pretty much rejected anyone who "had God" as someone incapable of managing life on their own and needing a crutch to rely on. God certainly did not play any part in our decision to marry.
Shortly after we married, my husband brought up the subject of poly, and like anyone raised in our society I said "hell no to that one, buddy!"
I am still reluctant to share a lot of the details. I'm having a hard time deciding what to share and what not.
About 3 years into the marriage we got a SW. There were many.....many.....many things wrong with the scenario, but I won't dwell on the particulars. A big one is that it was not discussed with me ahead of time, but done as a "take it or leave it - you have no choice" thing. Given the rocky start, it actually did work very well and I am still friends with her. She and I got along even though we are very different people. She was a lot of fun. She made me relax and try things that I normally would not.
Our “headship” was the biggest problem … He would play us off against each other, tell each of us what we wanted to hear and then watch the fireworks ensue. It ended after about a year and a half and I said never again. It was not poly that was the problem …
About 12 years ago we moved to where we live now and had children. My husband started to do a lot of really bad, obnoxious things and they got progressively worse as the time went by. Again there is no point dwelling on it - it is what it is. I spent a lot of the marriage pretty angry at him for the decisions he made. It took a long time for me to realize that he had other issues driving his poor decision making skills. It does not change the fact that he did have choices and consistently made bad and sometimes very hurtful ones, but it helps me feel less anger towards him. It is easier for me to forgive the things his behavior did to me than it is to forgive the damage he did to the kids. The subject of poly came up every once in a while and I kept telling him there was no way I would EVER consider it again with him.
A few years ago, an intervention occurred. Much of it was not successful, but one trusted counselor suggested that he reconnect with his spiritual side. He wanted to try, so we as a family started going to church. A few months later I decided to join a bible study group. I asked if he wanted to join a couples’ group. He did not, so I joined a women's group. I am still in the same group
Not too long afterward I took the church's introductory class and soon got baptized (yay!).
But the family situation was still not good, and soon another intervention occurred. Things were pretty fragile and we decided it would be good for him to go spend some time with his family and have a break from the day to day pressures of life. When he came back home I discovered that he had been cheating on me in the brief time he had been gone.
You hear that sentence and there is all this expectation around it like I would be shocked or upset, but by that time it was actually a pretty mild thing compared to everything else that had been going on and it was just the final "you know what, we're pretty much done here".
We sat down and calmly discussed money and property and kids. He said he would stay for the summer to help with the transition and I said, “Thanks anyway, but I want you to leave as soon as possible.” He did.
Being a single Mom really sucks. I do not have any family close by and the last few years have been extremely difficult. That glosses over just how difficult it has been. I have been close to breaking point several times, but it is still better than living with the craziness we endured before. God has really been with me and by me through it all. He has given me the strength to endure and He has made me a better stronger person.
I don't want to share hubby's details from the last few years. First, it would take too long and second, because that is now his life. However, along the way he accidentally handed out my phone number to a man he met in a poly chat room (he had been getting my number and his number mixed up for a couple of weeks). I started talking to that man and I got sucked back into "poly world". One of the people I met in a poly chat room told me about Biblical Families and I have been poking around on the periphery of it for a while.
So where am I at right now? Well, I talked to the man above for several months, but we were polar opposites on just about any subject you could care to bring up and it eventually ended. That said, it helped me figure out a lot of things about myself - who I am, what I believe, what I will and won't compromise on, etc.
Part of my problem is the moral question, “Am I married/bound or am I not?” Biblically my husband has done everything under Torah and NT to qualify as being divorced from me and for me to be free to move on. We have been separated for 2 1/2 years and he has moved on and no longer considers himself my husband. I consider myself to be divorced in God's eyes. In fact I believe God released me from this marriage long before I did. I kept trying to make it work and keep things together long after God was telling me otherwise. Legally, we are still in the process of divorcing. (Update: I am now legally divorced)
I recently met someone on Sisterwives.net and we talked a whole lot and eventually met. I am very confident that God's hand is in this relationship. All the usual anxieties and problems that happen when starting a poly relationship are simply not there.
I am having a hard time explaining why it is so different. I have talked to a lot of men and couples in the last few months, most of them really good people with strong faith (there are a lot of creeps out there - but when I say talk, I mean seriously talk).
The thing is that people who have never lived poly have in their head what they think will be the problems and when it actually happens they are not ready for the range of emotions or the dumb things that they will get upset over. First wives get really "this is who we are" and are very threatened when a potential second wife does not fit the mold exactly. The men get over excited and want it to happen so badly that they fail to believe that anything, ever will go wrong - and there is just a whole lot of anxiety around the whole process. There is usually a little dance that goes on where everyone tries not to hurt anybody else’s feelings as the details get worked out.
This couple are not in a hurry to force anything. They have discussed poly with each other for a lot of years and are comfortable to let God figure it out in His time and place. I do not feel like they are adding another wife to complete something that is missing between them, fix a problem, or spice things up. The whole thing has been very comfortable and relaxed. We all interact very well together. We were already compatible on a lot of levels before we even met. Obviously in any relationship there will be some adjustments that have to be made, but nobody is going to have to give up core parts of who they are to accommodate each other. We would like to be together as soon as possible, but happy to leave it in God's hands to figure out the details. (Update: God is amazing. He busted through those details in no time. He made things happen that looked impossible to us mere humans. Moving day is approaching faster than the packing is getting done!)
My new husband is already a rock in my life. He prays with me, reads scripture with me, he pays attention to the details of my life and not in a "let me show what a wonderful husband I am" way, but he actually cares, even when it does not affect him. My SW is very sensible and level headed. I do not foresee a lot of drama. Everyone has excellent communication skills and I just really have a good feel about the whole thing. There is a peace and calmness to it that I believe comes from God.
Lol…that was the abbreviated and much edited version!
BF Staff Note: This was written several months ago, but wasn't ready for release until now. Thank you, Eternitee, for sharing this very personal journey.
One Woman’s Journey
It is hard to explain 40 something years of who you are in a few sentences. It is also difficult to explain things to total strangers and expose who you are as a person when you don't know their core beliefs/judgments, but I will try.
I got married in the early 90s, so I am approaching my 20th wedding anniversary. Neither of us was religious. Actually I pretty much rejected anyone who "had God" as someone incapable of managing life on their own and needing a crutch to rely on. God certainly did not play any part in our decision to marry.
Shortly after we married, my husband brought up the subject of poly, and like anyone raised in our society I said "hell no to that one, buddy!"
I am still reluctant to share a lot of the details. I'm having a hard time deciding what to share and what not.
About 3 years into the marriage we got a SW. There were many.....many.....many things wrong with the scenario, but I won't dwell on the particulars. A big one is that it was not discussed with me ahead of time, but done as a "take it or leave it - you have no choice" thing. Given the rocky start, it actually did work very well and I am still friends with her. She and I got along even though we are very different people. She was a lot of fun. She made me relax and try things that I normally would not.
Our “headship” was the biggest problem … He would play us off against each other, tell each of us what we wanted to hear and then watch the fireworks ensue. It ended after about a year and a half and I said never again. It was not poly that was the problem …
About 12 years ago we moved to where we live now and had children. My husband started to do a lot of really bad, obnoxious things and they got progressively worse as the time went by. Again there is no point dwelling on it - it is what it is. I spent a lot of the marriage pretty angry at him for the decisions he made. It took a long time for me to realize that he had other issues driving his poor decision making skills. It does not change the fact that he did have choices and consistently made bad and sometimes very hurtful ones, but it helps me feel less anger towards him. It is easier for me to forgive the things his behavior did to me than it is to forgive the damage he did to the kids. The subject of poly came up every once in a while and I kept telling him there was no way I would EVER consider it again with him.
A few years ago, an intervention occurred. Much of it was not successful, but one trusted counselor suggested that he reconnect with his spiritual side. He wanted to try, so we as a family started going to church. A few months later I decided to join a bible study group. I asked if he wanted to join a couples’ group. He did not, so I joined a women's group. I am still in the same group
Not too long afterward I took the church's introductory class and soon got baptized (yay!).But the family situation was still not good, and soon another intervention occurred. Things were pretty fragile and we decided it would be good for him to go spend some time with his family and have a break from the day to day pressures of life. When he came back home I discovered that he had been cheating on me in the brief time he had been gone.
You hear that sentence and there is all this expectation around it like I would be shocked or upset, but by that time it was actually a pretty mild thing compared to everything else that had been going on and it was just the final "you know what, we're pretty much done here".
We sat down and calmly discussed money and property and kids. He said he would stay for the summer to help with the transition and I said, “Thanks anyway, but I want you to leave as soon as possible.” He did.
Being a single Mom really sucks. I do not have any family close by and the last few years have been extremely difficult. That glosses over just how difficult it has been. I have been close to breaking point several times, but it is still better than living with the craziness we endured before. God has really been with me and by me through it all. He has given me the strength to endure and He has made me a better stronger person.
I don't want to share hubby's details from the last few years. First, it would take too long and second, because that is now his life. However, along the way he accidentally handed out my phone number to a man he met in a poly chat room (he had been getting my number and his number mixed up for a couple of weeks). I started talking to that man and I got sucked back into "poly world". One of the people I met in a poly chat room told me about Biblical Families and I have been poking around on the periphery of it for a while.
So where am I at right now? Well, I talked to the man above for several months, but we were polar opposites on just about any subject you could care to bring up and it eventually ended. That said, it helped me figure out a lot of things about myself - who I am, what I believe, what I will and won't compromise on, etc.
Part of my problem is the moral question, “Am I married/bound or am I not?” Biblically my husband has done everything under Torah and NT to qualify as being divorced from me and for me to be free to move on. We have been separated for 2 1/2 years and he has moved on and no longer considers himself my husband. I consider myself to be divorced in God's eyes. In fact I believe God released me from this marriage long before I did. I kept trying to make it work and keep things together long after God was telling me otherwise. Legally, we are still in the process of divorcing. (Update: I am now legally divorced)
I recently met someone on Sisterwives.net and we talked a whole lot and eventually met. I am very confident that God's hand is in this relationship. All the usual anxieties and problems that happen when starting a poly relationship are simply not there.
I am having a hard time explaining why it is so different. I have talked to a lot of men and couples in the last few months, most of them really good people with strong faith (there are a lot of creeps out there - but when I say talk, I mean seriously talk).
The thing is that people who have never lived poly have in their head what they think will be the problems and when it actually happens they are not ready for the range of emotions or the dumb things that they will get upset over. First wives get really "this is who we are" and are very threatened when a potential second wife does not fit the mold exactly. The men get over excited and want it to happen so badly that they fail to believe that anything, ever will go wrong - and there is just a whole lot of anxiety around the whole process. There is usually a little dance that goes on where everyone tries not to hurt anybody else’s feelings as the details get worked out.
This couple are not in a hurry to force anything. They have discussed poly with each other for a lot of years and are comfortable to let God figure it out in His time and place. I do not feel like they are adding another wife to complete something that is missing between them, fix a problem, or spice things up. The whole thing has been very comfortable and relaxed. We all interact very well together. We were already compatible on a lot of levels before we even met. Obviously in any relationship there will be some adjustments that have to be made, but nobody is going to have to give up core parts of who they are to accommodate each other. We would like to be together as soon as possible, but happy to leave it in God's hands to figure out the details. (Update: God is amazing. He busted through those details in no time. He made things happen that looked impossible to us mere humans. Moving day is approaching faster than the packing is getting done!)
My new husband is already a rock in my life. He prays with me, reads scripture with me, he pays attention to the details of my life and not in a "let me show what a wonderful husband I am" way, but he actually cares, even when it does not affect him. My SW is very sensible and level headed. I do not foresee a lot of drama. Everyone has excellent communication skills and I just really have a good feel about the whole thing. There is a peace and calmness to it that I believe comes from God.
Lol…that was the abbreviated and much edited version!