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Potential Second Wife Ettiquette?

southernphotini

southernphotini

Member
Female
I feel like it's important as a potential second wife to emphasize my desire for the first wife to feel secure in her husband's love. That I want him to love her, treat her well, and cherish her.

But how appropriate is it to express that? Especially prior to becoming a second wife?

I have been advised by someone not on this site that it's not a good idea for me to reach out and communicate with her like this. That everything needs to flow through him and my expressing things like that is pushy. Especially because she's not sure about this right now

And I don't know. I am used to solving problems all day at work and so to feel totally helpless has me at a loss. I don't want to be pushy but I want her to know my heart and intentions as well. So I already sent her a letter expressing how I want her and her husband to have a strong, loving relationship. I don't want her imagining my motives if I can communicate them lovingly and clearly for her.

How bad have I messed up?
 
My advice is similar to go to the husband first about the interest in communicating with his wife about it while she is still processing how she feels about it.
And as wonderful as it is for a potential second to want to assure the first wife in feeling secure in her husband’s love, my opinion is, that security will have to come from God, herself, and the husband.
 
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windblown said:
It sounds like your heart is in the right place. It’s heartwrenching how some women make no attempt at a relationship with the wife.
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Thanks. It’s hard. I feel helpless and like a nonentity right now. She’s a good person. I’m hoping it works out because I think she and I would be good for each other.
 
windblown said:
It’s heartwrenching how some women make no attempt at a relationship with the wife.
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Is the reverse also true? If seeking potential second (or 3rd, 4th, etc) wives is a goal, are they welcomed or treated as threats?

It seems like the latter is the more common attitude. And if that is the case, then it seems like to convince a woman to make that commitment would require extra effort on the part of the husband, which then may make the situation worse...

In considering polygyny one question that keeps coming up for me is at what point am I no longer on probation or a potential threat, and just part of the family? Observing from the outside, it seems like that is a difficult threshold for a woman to cross, from being an outsider to an insider...
 
southernphotini said:
Is the reverse also true? If seeking potential second (or 3rd, 4th, etc) wives is a goal, are they welcomed or treated as threats?

It seems like the latter is the more common attitude. And if that is the case, then it seems like to convince a woman to make that commitment would require extra effort on the part of the husband, which then may make the situation worse...

In considering polygyny one question that keeps coming up for me is at what point am I no longer on probation or a potential threat, and just part of the family? Observing from the outside, it seems like that is a difficult threshold for a woman to cross, from being an outsider to an insider...
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Often potential wives are ignored or treated like the enemy. And many times potential wives do not try to build a bond with the 1st wife. Again it really depends on the personalities involved.
 
The most important thing I can pass along is to accept that you are not just marrying this man you are joining his family. You're not there to change it to fit you, you're there to complement what already is there.

All of your actions should flow from that understanding. You are there to add to the family and not change it.
 
MeganC said:
You are there to add to the family and not change it.
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That's interesting. Adding to a family does change it. I'm not certain how you can avoid that.

Imposing your will on others? Yeah, that's not appropriate. But I don't see a way around the change part. That seems an inevitable consequence, neither good nor bad.
 
Everything has to change. I think Megan means you shouldn't expect everyone to accommodate your preferences. Families are usually moving in a direction of sorts with how the husband wants things run, so working yourself into what is going on is appreciated.
 
It would never be your position to make a first wife, or a new addition to the family feel secure in the masters love or feelings for them. That would be for him to do. You might want to give reassurance that you’re not there to create division in that union, that would want a sincere friendship, that you are so excited to join a family; but other than that there’s not much more to do regarding your initial statement of intent above. Regarding reaching out to an existing wife directly, I think a good rule to follow is whether an existing wife or potential Sister Wife, you really need to have the master guide the interaction between the two, or more women. If he is OK with you reaching out independently that is fine. If he is not, then, do not do that on either end. He would be in the best position to know each woman and give guidance accordingly. An example in my master’s household: We were interviewing a potential addition to the family and my master created a group chat, when he was ready for the interaction between the two Isha to occur. It was still something he monitored, but he gave a certain amount of leeway with creating that chat. If there was anything, I was unsure of initiating regarding a topic or thread of conversation, I would run it past him prior to putting it in the group chat. I would say, as a general rule, never go around the man/master. That would be direct disobedience and insubordination. So, in the situation you were talking about, I would have just reached out to him, asked him if it was OK to send her a message regarding this content. I would’ve probably shown him what I wanted to send her and gotten his approval first. Once I had that approval, I would’ve sent it and that would’ve opened up that conversation.
As far as when you are off probation, etc. the master would be the one to let you know this. Once you are officially brought into the family, my assumption is you would be off probation. I would also say there are different levels to trust and privilege regarding access to the family. Once my master felt like the potential, Sister Wife had gained enough trust, he gave her access to me in the chat. If she would have continued on, then she would’ve been given even more family access etc. he was and would’ve continued to evaluate each of us along the way.
Lastly, regarding a family changing when a new wife is added, it would be like joining any organization. Unless your expressed purpose was being there to change the culture of the organization, that is not your role. Your role is to fit in add to it, help it grow, but not change the overall essence of what the organization is. There are still growing pains as everyone learns how the new employee fits in the organization but they are there to mold in and serve a purpose that fits within the defined processes already in place. Does that make sense?
 
So much good advice here I hope I dont detract from any of it, but we are all different and those we walk with are all different so hopefully my perspective is helpful for you.

I fairly recently went through the process of being a potential 3rd wife with many of the feelings that you express above, so that is my context :).

Firstly, and it echoes what many have said here, you are not in control of the situation, your husband is, so many of the things you are worrying about will not be your responsibility it will be his. What is our responsibility is to do our best to maintain a serving heart first and foremost to our husband and through him Christ, but also to the senior wives that have been there longer than us.

In my situation it was a long time before i communicated directly with his other wives, everything went through him. He is not particularly controlling, but doing it this way meant that he could spot anything that could be taken the wrong way, again it is about the husband being in control as he was made to be. Tat said you have acted in good faith and with a good heart so I wouldnt worry too much about outcomes. I have been taught that outcomes are often just the outward appearance and God and my husband are always more interested in the heart.

I dont think you messed up but maybe took a bigger risk than you needed to. If that risk pays off then the wife’s heart may well be softened towards you, if it doesn’t you may have made a little more work for yourself and your husband, but either way I doubt and will pray for you that it will be nothing irretrievable as I am sure it wont be.

If it is any consolation I was an incredibly insecure potential and second guessed everything and I still made it through.

Finally a thought on when you stop being on probation. As soon as he asked me to join the family I knew there was no probation with him and he was the only one that really matter. His second wife i get on pretty well with, we are very hierarchical so once she knew that I saw her as being over me we were really good ad she has become my best friend. His first wife however, is different, she is given a lot of responsibility for the women of the house and is a bit older so our relationship will always be a bit different.

I hope that is some help and please reach out if you want to connect. Sending much love on your precious journey.

Kerry

PS. This is my first post everyone so please be gentle :)
 
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