Question: Choosing Single Motherhood Versus Joining a Family

Discussion in 'Marriage Issues' started by joe88, Dec 6, 2017 at 8:17 AM.

  1. joe88

    joe88 Active Member Male

    In our society today, we see a marked increase in single motherhood and children living in homes with no father figure.

    Perhaps the women would be best to answer this:
    Why would a woman rather be the "baby momma" to a "bad boy" than join an existing family? Is it a matter of not knowing the option exists or is it because at heart women really don't want to be part of a multi-woman home? What do you all think?
    MeganC, cubanito and Sonny Chancelor like this.
  2. FollowingHim2

    FollowingHim2 Esteemed Member Female

    Mostly they don't know the option is open to them, and for many of them it's not.
    Most women wouldn't set out to be a single mum. They just trusted what a guy said, had sex with them, and thought he'd stick around when she ended up pregnant. Also, most women don't understand the actual failure rate of contraception, but that's probably another topic.
    Sonny Chancelor and Kevin like this.
  3. Sonny Chancelor

    Sonny Chancelor Member Male

    IMHO, the Roman-esque/Greek/Roman Catholic ideal of one-woman/one-man as gods is so deeply embedded in our psyche as a nation(generalization as there are obvious exceptions like Mormons, etc.) that a single mother cannot fathom sharing a "good" husband, not matter how desperate her situation might be. Husband-sharing requires a mindset completely different than the one women hold today. It requires a bible mind-set. The fruits of the Holy Spirit come to mind in Galatians 5:22 "love, joy, PEACE, patience, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control;". Note, all caps is not screaming, merely just my own emphasis. But then again, they should ALL be capitalized.
  4. Sonny Chancelor

    Sonny Chancelor Member Male

    Please allow me to add that the Protestant churches are also just as guilty of promoting this Greek god/goddess mentality as well.
    Kevin, Verifyveritas76 and cubanito like this.
  5. ZecAustin

    ZecAustin Esteemed Member Male

    Look, single motherhood brings with it a LOT of freedom, power and even prestige. In the modern world it brings all the benefits of being a signified woman with none of the hardships of having a man.

    The truth a lot of single mothers would actively choose that state over being a wife. You get to make all the rules, be viewed as a heroic figure and keep your options open to play the field if Mr. Perfect does come along.
  6. cubanito

    cubanito Well-Known Member

    I heard once a single mom friend say, "why should I put up with some guy telling us how to live. I am used to being our head and get state help for what I don't have. Why put up with a man wanting to boss me and my kids.".

    I realized in modern society, the state becomes a major provider and the concept of a man being head is decapitated in a symbolic sense. In some less developed cultures the provider is still desired or at least tolerated I guess?
  7. steve

    steve Esteemed Member Male

    The State has replaced the husband as provider.
    He is a husband who allows her total control. Pretty hard to give that system up.
  8. cubanito

    cubanito Well-Known Member

    Could this be done to break up biblical family structure or is it a mere coincidence?
    MeganC and Sonny Chancelor like this.
  9. FollowingHim2

    FollowingHim2 Esteemed Member Female

    You guys are harsh. I don't know any single mums that think that way.
    frederick and windblown like this.
  10. Kevin

    Kevin Esteemed Member Male

    In my experience most of the single moms I know, not all but a majority, don't want to be single but don't want to be under Authority. This is usually because of wounds from past relationships that they have yet to overcome or because they drank the Kool-Aid and believe that a man needs to conform to their personal idea of how the relationship should be."If you love me, you will lose" Knights Tale. Then there are those who will not accept anything less than a G-d Fearing Man they can trust. If you can break down the societal prison walls they would be excellent wives.

    There was a really rough patch when my daughter was born and I swallowed my pride any we applied for assistance. They offered us $9.37 cents I told them to keep it ,not so nicely, and left the room. The lady stopped Jessica before she reached the door and told her if she left me that there was an unlimited amount of resources that would be availiable for her and my daughter. It's tactics like these that trap single mom's in a cycle of state dependency and keeps them from opening up to anything that the state says could "jeopardise" the wellbeing of their children like marriage let alone Polygyny.
  11. cubanito

    cubanito Well-Known Member

    A few individuals know their family roles in God, most people don't have that anymore.
    I met an international captain lady who made 6 times more than average. She told me that makes her head. Guys are for sex and companionship when she has time.
    She was very smart but had no interest in cmmited family, much less patriarchy.
    Giving up self for a family and God is not what many choose anymore. That is sad because the family is that God set up for us, a good thing.
    Sonny Chancelor and steve like this.
  12. Lili

    Lili Well-Known Member Female

    Most women aren't aware that they could join a family. We don't exactly live in a society where polygamy is accepted and encouraged.

    Anyway, becoming a plural wife is a hard choice. A single mother might prefer to stay away from any more complications in her life.
  13. steve

    steve Esteemed Member Male

    I am sorry, but I could name 3 off the top of my head.
    Quote: “I am a grown woman and no man is going to tell me what to do.”
    andrew, Joleneakamama and Kevin like this.
  14. Joleneakamama

    Joleneakamama Well-Known Member Female

    I have a brother in law who had a couple of kids with a lady. She had other kids, from other dads, and as long as she can collect child support on all those kids she seems perfectly willing to keep playing the field, probably hoping prince charming will show up someday.

    Too many women don't want any man telling them what to do, they just want the bills paid, and the freedom to do what they want.
    I agree, the state enables them to avoid headship, and relationships that require commitment, and effort......and yes they do get sympathy too.

    I know it sounds harsh, but I have seen women leave husbands, and opt for freedom financed by child support and state aid. A good friend of ours had his wife split with his four children, and he only got to see them twice in the last 14 years. He provided, and was a very comited dad, if perhaps a bit difficult to please. She has been through several men since.
    I'm sure there are many reasons, and there is no one answer that is going to clever it all.
    Maybe it's different in New Zealand??
  15. andrew

    andrew Administrator Staff Member Male

    Patriarchal polygynous culture v. matriarchal polyandrous culture.

    The central 'bargain' of a marriage is (a) the man will protect and provide for the woman so she can nest and have children, provided that (b) the woman will have only his children (so, sex with only him). Everything else is companionship, or entertainment, or ego needs, or whatever, but in contract terms, provision-for-faithfulness is the foundation on which everything else is built.

    With that in mind....

    The world is violently against the idea that a man would provide for more than one woman, all of whom are sexually faithful to him alone and bear only his children.

    The world is perfectly okay with the idea that a woman would have sex with and children with as many men as she pleases, racking up additional child support from each additional sucker (oops, I mean each additional man).

    The man is not allowed to expand the basic bargain beyond one woman (at a time). The woman is allowed to expand the basic bargain as much as she pleases. The man is not allowed to build a bigger family based on loving relationships at the expense of the accumulation of material wealth. The woman is allowed to build as big an income stream as she can get away with, at the expense of loving long-term relationships and the mental and emotional health of all affected.

    I know several women drawing child support from three or four guys, while going through husbands and boyfriends without shame or even any self-awareness that what they're doing might be counter-productive (except for blaming all that on the men's failure to act the way she wants them to act...).

    Matriarchal polyandrous culture: One woman, many providers.
    mystic, steve, frederick and 5 others like this.
  16. cubanito

    cubanito Well-Known Member

    I wonder if this legal state intervention now happens by design, to wipe out families that reflect God's relationship with us and have Him as direction.
    Big picture thinking..
    Why are so many pagan religions into female diety worship? Could there be something bigger at play?
  17. MeganC

    MeganC Well-Known Member Female

    I am a different person now but ten years ago I was what I call "baby crazy" and I really, really, REALLY wanted to have a baby. I did consider just hooking up with someone at one point and then in April 2008 the raid on the FLDS in Waco took place and I learned about poly.

    I didn't want to be FLDS but I was interested in poly and one thing led to another and here I am. I think this is waaaaaaaay better than being a single mom!
    steve, Kevin, ZecAustin and 3 others like this.
  18. joe88

    joe88 Active Member Male

    Man, Megan, has it really been that long? I remember finding your blog early on and commenting a few times as you got it off the ground. Time flies... If only more women -- and men -- were willing to consider the lifestyle you've embraced. I think many would be better off.

    I'd never seen put it into these words before, but your assessment is a great summary of what I see out there too.

    Unfortunately, the picture y'all paint is bleak -- but it rings true. These days, I tell my wife to be extra careful as she drives down the road -- I'd be hard pressed to find another quality woman in the madness of this generation!
  19. RandomPhrase

    RandomPhrase New Member Male

    This is how we found my second girl.
    steve likes this.
  20. steve

    steve Esteemed Member Male


    Young men are not taught to be valuable and young women are not taught to seek value in a mate.
    We can be very valuable, but as long as the woman has the state to fall back on, and keep her supported, she can keep her options open and play the field while waiting for Mr Perfect.
    Sonny Chancelor, ZecAustin and Kevin like this.