Questions for First Wives Practicing Polygyny

[julieb]

@Poodles and I desired to ask a few questions to those living plural marriage, to help others walking, or thinking about walking, this path. If you are a first wife practicing polygyny, please take a few minutes and share your experiences and thoughts on all or some of the questions listed below. We hope this will start many good conversations and give encouragement to many families in the future.


QUESTIONS FOR FIRST WIVES PRACTICING POLYGYNY

This is created for those who would want to share advice for those new to the lifestyle of Polygyny. We have gathered questions that we think might help others. When talking about feelings, remember they are neither right nor wrong, they just are. How you react is what is important. Please let us know what worked for you and your family, so that we can encourage other women living this lifestyle.. (Feel free to answer only those you are comfortable with)

• What were some positive feelings or reactions you had at getting to know a potential wife? Did you see benefits with having another woman in the home?

• How did you work on overcoming any negative feelings or reactions you had?

• Public display of affection is usually a difficult thing for first wives to adjust to. How difficult or easy was this for you? How did you resolve the jealousy factor if that was an issue?

• Every family does things differently, please share how your family dealt with the logistics of living together.
• Do you live in one house? Separate homes?
• How do you ensure quality time with each wife?
• How do you share kitchen time and mealtimes in your family?
• How do you share household chores?
• How do you share childcare, if there are children in the home?

• If one of the wives works outside the home, how do you deal with that?

• If the second wife had children, how did your family introduce this lifestyle concept to the children? What advice would you share to others going through this dynamic?

• Attending a local church isn’t always possible for a plural family, and many don’t desire it. How does your family deal with church or worshiping together?

• What advice would you most give to new plural families?

 

[julieb]

QUESTIONS FOR FIRST WIVES PRACTICING POLYGYNY

This is created for those who would want to share advice for those new to the lifestyle of Polygyny. We have gathered questions that we think might help others. When talking about feelings, remember they are neither right nor wrong, they just are. How you react is what is important. Please let us know what worked for you and your family, so that we can encourage other women living this lifestyle.. (Feel free to answer only those you are comfortable with)

• What were some positive feelings or reactions you had at getting to know a potential wife? Did you see benefits with having another woman in the home?
• It took me a while but I came around to seeing the future benefits of having help in the home and with children, along with the growing of a friendship that would help when other friendships were falling away due to my choice to stay to live in a plural marriage lifestyle.

• How did you work on overcoming any negative feelings or reactions you had?
• It took a lot of time to reteach my brain, and heart, to believe Biblical truth more than what I had been taught all my life about marriage and Patriarchy. I am thankful that God helped me every day learn and grow to a better place. Talking through fears with my husband and others helped. Reading books about Biblical authority in marriage and other topics helped. Taking time to get to know my husband’s new wife and learn her strengths and weaknesses helped. Growing in my relationship with Jesus, and believing he had my best interests in mind always helped.

• Public display of affection is usually a difficult thing for first wives to adjust to. How difficult or easy was this for you? How did you resolve the jealousy factor if that was an issue?
• It was hard at first for sure but a little at a time you come to understand that it doesn’t affect your relationship with your husband. I actually look back and wish my husband had been more affectionate at the beginning to both of us so we could get familiar with it sooner than later. He was trying not to upset either of us, but it didn’t serve us in the long run.

• Every family does things differently, please share how your family dealt with the logistics of living together.
• Do you live in one house? Separate homes?
• We have done some of both. There are different seasons for different things. I do agree that being in one house is best but sometimes that just isn’t possible in a way that builds family unity. I personally believe that men should try and create a safe place for each wife, no matter how small, as the family adjusts to having an extra wife and/or children.
• 
  
• How do you ensure quality time with each wife?
• Men have to prioritize this for sure, along with being insightful about what is “quality time” for each wife, and child for that matter.
• 
  
• How do you share kitchen time and mealtimes in your family?
• Again, we have done different things depending on the season the family is in at the time. With babies and young children, it seems that someone needs feeding at all hours. Try a schedule of meals and responsibilities, and if something doesn’t work then evaluate what can be changed to make things run smoother for all.
• Edit: I forgot to give an example of our usual schedule for meals. We like to have set days of the week for meal prep and nights with our husband. It makes planning DR appointments, time with friends and other tasks easier for us. Presently, one of us cooks M,W,F, while the other cooks T, TH, Sat, with Sunday open for leftovers or open cooking. We also do a schedule for breakfast and lunches, but all schedules are flexible depending on what is going on for one of us.
• 
  
• How do you share household chores?
• It is always good to communicate about expectations regarding household chores. We tended to do our individual laundry including whatever clothes we had from husband and young children, do our own bathrooms, and share common bathrooms and rooms cleaning.
• 
  
• How do you share childcare, if there are children in the home?
• When dealing with infants and toddlers we helped each other when needed but left most care to the birthing mom. As the children got older, more help was divided between us. Important decisions about rules and conduct were made by the birth mom and father, and the other wife respected those decisions.
• Edit: I wanted to share how we decided what the kids would call each of us. We decided to use our given names for each other's children. For us it gave clear honor to the birth mom, and when dealing with other people it was clear who the mom was and who was some other family member. Sometimes, people would assume we were a Step-Mom, so the kids just went with that when they were older. It was only important to clarify who was who's mom to those close to us. An important issue is that each wife needs to respect what is important to the other wife in regards to how they deal with their children, if a conflict arises then Dad is the final decision maker.
• 
  
• If one of the wives works outside the home, how do you deal with that?
• We didn’t have this situation in our family until the kids were teenagers so not a lot changed for the routine of the household.
• 
  
• If the second wife had children, how did your family introduce this lifestyle concept to the children? What advice would you share to others going through this dynamic?
• We didn’t have this situation either in our home, all the kids grew up together always having 2 wives/ mothers in the home.
• 
  
• Attending a local church isn’t always possible for a plural family, and many don’t desire it. How does your family deal with church or worshiping together?
• Again, we did different things in different seasons of our family life. We have gone to a church together where it was big enough to not be talked to too much but where the kids could have time with other kids. We have gone to separate churches also to have more involved fellowship and kids programs. Mostly, we have done our own home church, and sometimes with a few other families who lived close by at different times.
• 
  
• What advice would you most give to new plural families?
• Do your best to communicate about everything! Wrong expectations can bring a lot of chaos. Don’t be afraid to respectfully say what is important to you regarding relationships, household issues and spiritual issues. Then be willing to compromise about things and trust that your husband and sister wife are desiring to make things work for the good, too. BUT none of that is possible long term without time spent building your relationship with God. He is the rock you stand on during the storms, during the human failings of others and during the peaceful times. Also, build relationships with other plural families or a family that believes in plural marriage. Community is very much needed for support, encouragement and learning from. God will use your family to bless others as other families will bless yours!

Edited to share a few more details that I forgot to add to the original posting.

 

[Patricia C]

QUESTIONS FOR FIRST WIVES PRACTICING POLYGYNY

This is created for those who would want to share advice for those new to the lifestyle of Polygyny. We have gathered questions that we think might help others. When talking about feelings, remember they are neither right nor wrong, they just are. How you react is what is important. Please let us know what worked for you and your family, so that we can encourage other women living this lifestyle.. (Feel free to answer only those you are comfortable with)

• What were some positive feelings or reactions you had at getting to know a potential wife? Did you see benefits with having another woman in the home?
• It took me a while but I came around to seeing the future benefits of having help in the home and with children, along with the growing of a friendship that would help when other friendships were falling away due to my choice to stay to live in a plural marriage lifestyle.

• How did you work on overcoming any negative feelings or reactions you had?
• It took a lot of time to reteach my brain, and heart, to believe Biblical truth more than what I had been taught all my life about marriage and Patriarchy. I am thankful that God helped me every day learn and grow to a better place. Talking through fears with my husband and others helped. Reading books about Biblical authority in marriage and other topics helped. Taking time to get to know my husband’s new wife and learn her strengths and weaknesses helped. Growing in my relationship with Jesus, and believing he had my best interests in mind always helped.

• Public display of affection is usually a difficult thing for first wives to adjust to. How difficult or easy was this for you? How did you resolve the jealousy factor if that was an issue?
• It was hard at first for sure but a little at a time you come to understand that it doesn’t affect your relationship with your husband. I actually look back and wish my husband had been more affectionate at the beginning to both of us so we could get familiar with it sooner than later. He was trying not to upset either of us, but it didn’t serve us in the long run.

• Every family does things differently, please share how your family dealt with the logistics of living together.
• Do you live in one house? Separate homes?
• We have done some of both. There are different seasons for different things. I do agree that being in one house is best but sometimes that just isn’t possible in a way that builds family unity. Men should try and create a safe place for each wife, no matter how small, as the family adjusts to having an extra wife and/or children.
• 
  
• 
  
• How do you ensure quality time with each wife?
• Men have to prioritize this for sure, and be insightful about what is “quality time” for each wife, and child, for that matter.
• 
  
• How do you share kitchen time and mealtimes in your family?
• Again, we have done different things depending on the season the family is in at the time. With babies and young children, it seems that someone needs feeding at all hours. Try a schedule of meals and responsibilities, and if something doesn’t work then evaluate what can be changed to make things run smoother for all.
• 
  
• How do you share household chores?
• It is always good to communicate about expectations regarding household chores. We tended to do our individual laundry including whatever clothes we had from husband and young children, do our own bathrooms, and share common bathrooms and rooms cleaning.
• 
  
• How do you share childcare, if there are children in the home?
• When dealing with infants and toddlers we helped each other when needed but left most care to the birthing mom. As the children got older, more help was divided between us. Important decisions about rules and conduct were made by the birth mom and father, and the other wife respected those decisions.

• If one of the wives works outside the home, how do you deal with that?
• We didn’t have this situation in our family until the kids were teenagers so not a lot changed for the routine of the household.

• If the second wife had children, how did your family introduce this lifestyle concept to the children? What advice would you share to others going through this dynamic?
• We didn’t have this situation either in our home, all the kids grew up together always having 2 wives/ mothers in the home.

• Attending a local church isn’t always possible for a plural family, and many don’t desire it. How does your family deal with church or worshiping together?
• Again, we did different things in different seasons of our family life. We have gone to a church together where it was big enough to not be talked to too much but where the kids could have time with other kids. We have gone to separate churches also to have more involved fellowship and kids programs. Mostly, we have done our own home church, and sometimes with a few other families who lived close by at different times.

• What advice would you most give to new plural families?
• Do your best to communicate about everything! Wrong expectations can bring a lot of chaos. Don’t be afraid to respectfully say what is important to you regarding relationships, household issues and spiritual issues. Then be willing to compromise about things and trust that your husband and sister wife are desiring to make things work for the good, too. BUT none of that is possible long term without time spent building your relationship with God. He is the rock you stand on during the storms, during the human failings of others and during the peaceful times. Also, build relationships with other plural families or a family that believes in plural marriage. Community is very much needed for support, encouragement and learning from. God will use your family to bless others as other families will bless yours!

These are great questions Julie thank you

 

[julieb]

These are great questions Julie thank you

I am afraid most of the credit goes to @Poodles! God put it on her heart; I just helped refine it and post it. Glad you got something good out of it. Hopefully other first wives will post some answers that will be helpful soon.

 

[Patricia C]

I am afraid most of the credit goes to @Poodles! God put it on her heart; I just helped refine it and post it. Glad you got something good out of it. Hopefully other first wives will post some answers that will be helpful soon.

Thank you @Poodles i am glad you shared the questions and glad Julie answered. I hope others will follow suit.

 

[MeganC]

They're good questions. This is one of those topics that really needs to be made sticky or pinned so it's easy to find. I can imagine a lot of first wives finding comfort in just seeing the fact that other women share their concerns.

 

[Joleneakamama]

I have a few minutes here. I'll see how far I get!

When talking about feelings, remember they are neither right nor wrong, they just are. How you react is what is important.

This might be true, but how you communicate your feelings, and how your husband reacts, can sure make a big difference in how the attempt to talk or share goes.

What were some positive feelings or reactions you had at getting to know a potential wife? Did you see benefits with having another woman in the home?

For us, we got to know his other wife under other circumstances. She wasn't a "potential wife" she was his secretary, and was a "friend of the family" coming down on Saturdays for our day off/family time/community hosting. I was already positive about the idea of a sisterwife and so was never threatened by her visiting. After a bit over a year things changed rapidly as she had already thought about the possibility. I thought it was nice to not have that idea on the table before (in a personal way. I had talked with her about the benefits of getting a proven man...but didnt expect her to choose us) as it might have had us all feeling like we were "auditioning" or trying out/being considered, with rejection a possible outcome. As it was we all just grew to like each other (children too) and then a decision was made to make it permenant.

How did you work on overcoming any negative feelings or reactions you had?

I dealt with a lot of adjustments...and my dear husband was at times frustrated with me and my feelings. His thinking was that if anyone should be unsure of how they fit into this new dynamic it should be his new wife, not me. ...but I wanted her to feel welcome, and that she belonged, and I wasn't really any good at talking about any of it....but especially my feelings. (I grew up with sisters..but we did not talk about feelings at all)

Public display of affection is usually a difficult thing for first wives to adjust to. How difficult or easy was this for you? How did you resolve the jealousy factor if that was an issue?

I had no bad feelings about their relationship, was not bothered by them being affectionate, but I was always private and had a hard time being close to him (comfortable and natural) with her there....partly because when their relationship was new they were quite focused on each other, and partly because the only people that were usually there to witness my relationship with him were our children....so this was new and outside my "comfort zone."

Do you live in one house? Separate homes?

One house.

How do you ensure quality time with each wife?

My husband had some frustrations with me as I tended to not want to go places with him...(out to dinner means an hour of driving time, fuel cost, food cost....and the food often dissapoints if you like your own cooking)...and of course home was different for him too with another wonderful someone who loved to be around him.
I think first wives just have a zero experience base for how to act or be when someone else is there as it is literally all new. You don't know if or when you are welcome vs intruding on a private conversation....because for your entire married life there was no one else there. No one else in your role. Maybe not everyone overthinks or bumps into this, but I did.

How do you share kitchen time and mealtimes in your family?

At first I did most of the cooking, not wanting her to feel pressured and knowing that a wood cookstove and meals for a dozen people might be rather intimadating. Now she often does meals...and mighty tasty ones too!

How do you share household chores?

I was used to doing laundry....and only had two new people's clothes to keep track of, so I just kept doing it for the most part. She does laundry too, and dishes, and lots of other cleaning and decluttering!

How do you share childcare, if there are children in the home?

My youngest is going on seven, she has a nine year old and one under two. Sometimes she and hubby go to town and I watch the kidlets, and sometimes I go to town with him and she holds the home front, sometimes she and I go shopping.
The older children get along quite well, especially her oldest and my youngest.

If the second wife had children, how did your family introduce this lifestyle concept to the children? What advice would you share to others going through this dynamic?

I'm sure there are many variables. Our children were raised with the idea. Her son was friends with our children first.

Attending a local church isn’t always possible for a plural family, and many don’t desire it. How does your family deal with church or worshiping together?

Hmmm. We never tried to belong to a church....like my husband told some lds missionaries ...their church won't accept him now....and it is the same with many other churches, but Christ still does. We live our faith in how we do business and treat others. I long ago read somewhere that is where YHWH is truly worshiped and honored....in our daily lives. One advantage of no church is being able to fellowship with others from all denominations.

What advice would you most give to new plural families?

Give everyone time to learn and grow. Everyone has ideas and expectations....but life isn't a race, so let people have time to adjust. Try and have some one on one time with each other....your sisterwife too, just to visit and share.
Once you choose this, there is another someone or someones that belong. Their happy is connected to your happy. Maybe that's a dumb sounding way to put it, but each in a family influences the whole. If one is struggling with life it's hard on everyone. But then joy us contagious too, and when the people you love are laughing it warms your heart. So, first as a couple you become a collective, caring for each other. Then you have children and they expand your hearts and you are a family. Adding a wife and more children lets you experience again the wonder of someone choosing to do life with you. I know many first wives struggle with some aspects as they adjust to a different life. ....be gentle with yourself and others. Keep looking forward....plan things with your new family members. Count your blessings.
Joy is an inside job and comes from a thankful heart and learning to rest in Christ.

Plural marriage, like monogamous marriage, can be bliss or hell. You can find people everywhere experiencing total misery with one wife....or two. Some are miserable all by themselves. We learn from living, so let rough times teach you what not to do again. Listen....with your heart...not just your ears. Be quick to forgive. ENJOY EACH OTHER!
SMILE! LAUGH! DREAM! and when it's hard to be happy....let God change YOU!