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Regarding Polygamy and your First Wife

sweetlissa

sweetlissa

Member
Real Person
Female
You all know that I am a second wife. I have been reading posts about first wives and I wanted to share what has been growing in my heart for a while.

I have seen many posts that talk about how women are jealous. I have seen us labeled as being enslaved by western culture so that we have romanticized marriage. I have seen many derogatory terms used to describe wives who are approached about polygamy. I have some questions for the people who make these comments.

Have you given your wife cause for jealousy?

Have you talked to your first wife about polygamy after you already have established a relationship with a new woman?

Are you expecting your wife to accept a new thing after you have removed her heart from her body and smashed it to bits?

I have seen much advice about how to get your first wife to accept and embrace polygamy as an acceptable form of marriage. I haven’t seen much talk about men being satisfied with where they are at a given moment, knowing that God is preparing you for the future. Are you trusting in God that he knows what you need and when you need it? Do you trust that if God wants you to have a second wife he will prepare you and your wife for that reality? Are you loving your wife as Christ loves His church?

Many men come to this board after having made a mistake. They have fallen in love with a second woman and they want some sort of absolution for it. And they complain that their first wife isn’t as accepting as they would like her to be. But have your really understood the fact that you have just broken the heart of a woman who you promised to love, honor and cherish for the rest of your lives? God gave you that woman to love and protect for all the days of your life. Doesn’t that commitment deserve respect and caring when introducing a new way of life?

I know that there are people on this board who have introduced polygamy to their wives in a loving way without the involvement of a second woman. Those families are now happily anticipating the addition of a new wife to their mix. There are others who have put the cart before the horse, and the resulting pain has been almost more than they can bear.

Just something to think about.

SweetLissa & Clyde44
 
This is an excellent post, Lissa. It seems to be human nature to get the cart ahead of the horse, so to speak, especially when the excitement of a God-honoring new way of living first comes across someone's heart.

I am so very thankful that my husband took the time and effort to stay the course with me, talking, studying, praying and encouraging until my heart was ready to accept plural marriage. I now embrace our life wholeheartedly and love his other wife as a dear friend. Had he rushed ahead without caring for me as Christ cares for his church, then I'm afraid I would have had a constant, nagging bitterness towards the situation.

The questions you posed are very insightful, and as a first wife, I would strongly recommend any husband considering plural marriage to think and pray carefully about the situations you mentioned.

Katie
 
Amen Sweetlissa!

This is what I've been trying to share all along, while being told by some that I've just not been submissive enough or obedient enough to Yeshua. Your shared insights & wisdom on this very matter is exactally where my heart's concerns have been lifted in prayer, for Yeshua to stretch me out of my comfort zone and challenge me to grow in my trust in Him and my dh, while learning True, Biblically Balanced and Healthy Submission.

Thanks again for sharing your heart about these very truths! :) Take care and Keep on Keepin on with God, family & friends.

Warm Wishes,
Faithful Servant
 
LIssa,

I really appreciate your post. From my perspective, there have been times where I have winced at the paths some families take to an understanding of plural marriage. There have also been times where I have been absolutely appalled at the behavior of some men as it relates to this issue.

It seems at times that the rules of common courtesy and caring for one another go out the window once a family or an individual receives a revelation regarding plural marriage!

I would encourage men: if you are married, and you come into a knowledge of plural marriage, your first priority is to your CURRENT situation. As husbands, we are commanded to love our wives as Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself for it. Understand, with all the love and compassion that can be engendered through the power of the Holy Spirit, how each step you take in following the Lord in this matter will impact the gift of love the Father has already blessed you with: your first wife.

I would hope through these posts that men would examine their hearts regarding plural marriage. The questions that keeps coming back to me are: does this point me to Christ? Am I proceeding in the flesh, or in the Spirit? Am I willing to wait for the Lord to work in the life of my wife, even though that may take months, or even years?

I confess, we men at times tend to have a stubborn streak. We are also doers, and by that I mean we desire to accomplish things. We come into a revelation of plural marriage, and immediately we begin planning, thinking, strategizing, etc. I am learning, however, that the greatest gift that the Father can give to any husband with this revelation is that of patience. I know, waiting is hard....waiting is painful....waiting stinks!

And my advice to any couple who have come to an agreement on plural marriage is also waiting. Why? Because there are times where spiritual changes take place in our lives, and we accept in in our 'heads', but not in our 'hearts'. In other words, we know the truth, we accept it, but the practical implication of such belief as it is acted out in the day to day real world takes some time to adjust. Think of it as the deep sea diver who ascends too fast from the ocean floor: if he rises too quickly, he can suffer a fatal case of the 'bends'. Likewise, if we 'ascend' too fast with the concept of plural marriage, we can suffer the spiritual equivalent of the 'bends'.

Once again, Lissa, thank you for this timely topic.

Blessings,

Doc
 
Thanks so much Doc!

Truly enjoyed your post on this topic, as it is so very important! A few other men here, and myself from a first wife's perspective of shared concerns in these areas, have stated these very same truths that you & Sweetlissa have shared, but yet were somewhat attacked for the very same responses that you both gave. Funny how the Lord moves in each of our own lives, and what He chooses to reveal at what time. It's a relief to hear these thoughts being shared, as I felt as though no one was understanding where I had been coming from on any level, and twisting my words that were basically the same thoughts that you both have just shared. Although you two deliver the truth of this message in a much more clear manner, as I can get caught in bouts of rambling! :lol:

Anywho, thanks again Doc for sharing your heart in these areas from a man's perspective. I appreciate hearing this from a Godly man with a heart of concern and a true Servant-Leadership position. As there are many men here with the same balanced & Godly qualities. I however as you, have been surprised and somewhat saddened with some of the positions and attitudes that some have taken on ,and have chosen to walk in with their own personal journies with pm. But as is true with us all, none of us are perfect - just simple fallen sinners. We're not where we need to be, but Thank God we're not where we use to be, we're OK & we're on our way! ;) As we're all works in progress, and none of us have arrived. Those who believe that they have arrived, usually have the furthest to go! :lol: I'm just keeping it real, and preaching to myself here just as much! Take care all & Keep on Keepin on with Yeshua, family & friends.

Warm Wishes,
FOR HIS GLORY ALONE,
Faithful Servant

I PRAY THAT I BE NOT A HINDRANCE :)
 
Faithful Servant said:
Anywho, thanks again Doc for sharing your heart in these areas from a man's perspective. I appreciate hearing this from a Godly man with a heart of concern and a true Servant-Leadership position. As there are many men here with the same balanced & Godly qualities.
Click to expand...


I couldn't agree with you more. I personally am Doc's biggest fan. :D
 
Hey there Love,

Love hearing from ya! :) Just wondering if you are a first wife with a sw already, or are you just prayerfully researching the whole matter? I'm not sure that I know of your personal testimony, as I don't wish to be intrusive. These posts as of late in regard to pm & the whole 1st wife issue have been very thought provoking and educational for me to say the least. The compassionate shared insights as of late, with this particular post have brought some peace and comfort to my heart with these very issues/concerns. Thanks again Sweetlissa & Doc for sharing my very thoughts on this topic and offering a Godly heart of compassion in these specific areas. Thanks also Doc for the Godly balanced - kind-hearted encouragement & challenge that you've presented to all men that are feeling called or led towards a plural family.

Now I'm feeling encouraged to challenge myself to trust in Yeshua more than I have been! To get out of my comfort zone, thus releasing my fears & insecurities at the foot of Yeshua for His will to be done in my marriage & family. Especially since my dh is still not feeling led towards pm, but is as of late been willing to possibly seek out the biblical truths & back round with it all. As I tend to get excited and sometimes try to put the cart ahead of the horse myself! :? I truly don't wish to be out of Yeshua's will for our lives, or out from under my dh's loving/protective covering and headship in our family either. I am for now, doing my best to prayerfully & biblically seek God's will regarding pm, and not just my own will - thus resulting in possibly leading my family down a path of destruction! For me this is an awesome time to peacefully & seriously sit back and rest in His presence and let Yeshua do His job! Novel idea, huh?! ;) Anyways thanks again to all who contributed to this post, as it was a blessing!

Warm Wishes,
Faithful Servant
 
Hello all. This is my first time posting but have been lurking a few weeks. I am so glad I stumbled across this thread tonight. I needed to know I'm not crazy. I will not go into details about my story as I do not want to betray my husband's trust but I just needed to be reassured some feelings I have are legitimate. Prayers would be appreciated for a wife who is trying to catch up to her husband's desire to take a second wife. This has all just slapped me in the face rather suddenly and although I feel the LORD is moving my heart quickly, there is a lot to work through. Thanks!
 
Hello and welcome to the board
 
[. I am so glad I stumbled across this thread tonight. I needed to know I'm not crazy. I just needed to be reassured some feelings I have are legitimate. [/quote]

Seekhim1
Hi and welcome. Without knowing anymore I'm still going to say no, you're not crazy. Or maybe all of us are just a bit. :D
When you feel more comfy let us know what some of those feelings are and we'll be happy to give advice and or reassurance. I will say this, whatever it is you're feeling is legitimate because you're feeling it. Good or bad, it's a valid feeling and we're all certainly allowed to feel what we feel.
Hope to hear more from ya.
Clyde(Male name, but I'm female)
 
seekHim1 said:
I needed to know I'm not crazy.
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Here's a question for everyone: "If you are the only sane person in a world full of crazy people, does that make you insane by comparison?"

Do not worry seekHim1. You are not crazy. All of us, even us guys, have had to take things one day at a time. It does not mean that we are crazy, but rather that it will just take each of us some time to break free from the centuries of indoctrination and the raising that each of us was brought up with. One of the biggest things that helped me out and helped me to come to the end of my "desert" so to speak, was finding the Biblical Families family and actually meeting up with others like me. The fellowship has been a tremendous help. Just take your time and go the way that Yahuweh would lead you. He will give you comfort and peace.

יהוה bless you and guard you; יהוה make His face shine upon you, and show favour to you; יהוה lift up His face upon you, and give you peace.

Yahuweh bless you and guard you; Yahuweh make His face shine upon you, and show favour to you; Yahuweh lift up His face upon you, and give you peace.
 
Thanks all for the nice, warm welcome. :) I will not get personal just yet, but I will be lurking around here for the time being and possibly asking some questions if I can't find the answers already on here. Blessings!
 
seekHim1 said:
Hello all. This is my first time posting but have been lurking a few weeks. I am so glad I stumbled across this thread tonight. I needed to know I'm not crazy. I will not go into details about my story as I do not want to betray my husband's trust but I just needed to be reassured some feelings I have are legitimate. Prayers would be appreciated for a wife who is trying to catch up to her husband's desire to take a second wife. This has all just slapped me in the face rather suddenly and although I feel the LORD is moving my heart quickly, there is a lot to work through. Thanks!
Click to expand...


If you are having a hard time with it, yes, its very normal. A big part of helping you is God. An even bigger part is your husband. He has to keep you assured that he does not love or respect you any less than what he has before. Its his job to help you when that little green jealous monster pops its head up once in a while. Yes it will, even years down the road.

For myself and my wife, She has to approve of the person who will be my next wife. I know some dont approve of that but thats how it is. Now if she says NO. Then of course that means I have more work to do to get them to know and like each other. If it just wont work then it wont happen as I will not bring in a woman who will be disruptive to our relationship instead of helping it grow. My personal opinion and our way is the wives HAVE to be friends. Its a must. If not, then its probably going to fail.

I wish the best for you and good luck in all you do. Hopefully God will fill your heart with ease and knowledge to make it work.

Jerry.
 
I fully agree with the wisdom presented in this post and it is most definitely the best way and the only way in my mind. I have posted elsewhere further elaboration on this. I must admit that in the first period of months of exposure to this realm of plural marriage that I stood in what I can only describe now as judgement toward the men who indeed did get the "cart before the horse" and essentially informed their wife of another existing or strong potential relationship that led to their initial discussion of plural marriage.

Without taking anything at all away from the above (Ecc. 7:18) or the reality that most all married men have an existing vow to "Forsake all others", I would like to offer the following in order to potentially deepen our collective understanding of some of the dynamics that are at work...

We must recognize that forces are at work within the male personhood that "forced monogamy" and "false religious dogma" cannot curtail but only merely suppress. They are instinctual, innate, even Yah-given and sometimes result in a married man wrestling with questions that lead him to the truth of plural marriage from less than ideal circumstances. Yes, circumstances that may include pre-existing feelings for another woman or even actual pre-existing relations.

Circumstances such as these can be very trying for the existing wife and very understandably so but it is important that we all recognize that the largest part of this problem (at least from a big picture perspective) flows from the falsehood of "forced monogamy" and the de-masculination of men that the religious beast of our day so facilitates. Even the existing wife can inadvertently contribute greatly to these issues by leveraging the existing inculturation against their husband both historically and in real-time.

Often men that were substantially suppressed go through a bit of a re-maturation period in which is in fairly direct proportion to the degree of external suppression they have lived under and the degree of resistance they receive from their wife as they go through it.

I see the formula looking something like this mathematically relating to the men...

(ES + ER)/W = TFF

(External Suppression + Spousal Resistance) / Percentage of Residual Wisdom = Transitional Foolishness Factor

You may need to ponder this for a few minutes but you will notice that ladies can greatly assist their man in having a very low "Transitional Foolishness Factor" by minimizing resistance and bolstering manhood through the expression of true femininity. When I say resistance here I am referring principally to the kind of resistance that is suppressing of manhood. Feminine inquiry, feminine expression of the need for security and protection would not add to the "Spousal Resistance" component if it is non-manipulative and genuine because it tends to call upon the higher masculine self of the man thus diffusing the effects of "External Suppression" while not adding to "Spousal Resistance" at all. All additions to the sum of ES and SR are further exasperated by a lack of wisdom pre-existing in the man because you are dividing already by a number less than 1 thus essentially causing a multiplied effect. So, in other words don't tear down the man lacking wisdom but support him even more cautiously because all resistance and added suppression is essentially multiplied. (Yes, thoughts held in the heart are communicated just not by conscious means.)

We must all remember that both men and women have been the casualties of the lies and inculturation of our Hellenistic society. Men and women alike need to allow the "renewing of the mind" though this process shows itself in different ways. I look forward to the day when the community of the followers of Messiah have fully passed the "early uglies" and the wisdom of today appears as foolishness because there is a base of understanding that exists across the board, yes, a day when the older women teach the younger women and fathers pass true wisdom to their children so the foundational building block of the kingdom (family) has the structural integrity to be jointly fit together into the sustained household of Yah.

Sincerely,

Curtis
 
The subject is discussed also on this forum in the "Should a first wife be accepting before etc" thread under marriage issues.
 
Lissa and Clyde44,

Great starting post and subject. I agree that there are men who have screwed up in their bring PM into their family and have hurt their first wife............BUT........You knew it was coming :D .............I would like to offer a friendly " other side of the coin " reply.

I wish to direct all to go back and read the first post to understand my post that will follow.



Lets say that a man and his wife are going along on the road of marriage and they are both happy. Time moves forward and something happens :twisted: :twisted: The wife becomes involved in something ( you the reader is to decide what that something may be ) that the husband finds out about much later that just hurts him to the core. On top of that he finds out about something else that not only affects him and her but the rest of the family as well. Now the man has had his heart taken out and just stomped on and battered to the point that he can no longer love his wife in the manner as he once did. The wife confesses all, states she will no longer do it or be involve in it ever again. Being the Christian man that he is, he forgives his wife, continues in the marriage for he had made a commitment to her but cannot love her in the manner as he had before. The Lord gives the man a greater love, a love that he never would have gotten which is a love like that of the Father and the man loves his wife in that manner, taking care of her as once before. The marriage continues and the Lord blesses them and has removed the pain from the man. Time moves forward and the man, through various means, becomes aware of PM. He studies the word, reads all he can find and keeps on digging until he is sure that this is something the Lord has shown him. He also realizes that the Lord has already placed someone on his heart to be involved with in a PM that he never ever would have thought of and realizes that this is also a way for him to share and receive that former type of love he wishes to have once again. He shows the wife what he has found and tries to lead her into the same understanding as he has received and is willing to give her time to absorb all of what the Lord has shown. The man still loves his first wife and cares for her and will never forsake her, but he is also shown a way that he can expand the love base he has and he is willing to do so.....So begins the courting of hopeful future sisterwife.

My point in all of the above is that sometimes....just sometimes, the CURRENT / FIRST WIFE may have been the one to have brought about a change in the man that has allowed PM to inter into their lives. Just a little something to think about.

Merry CHRISTmas to all.
 
Any scenario can create changes in a marriage. There are probably as many stories as there are men and families. My only point was that not every husband is going to approach their woman the right way. This was a post to the men to ask them to think about their wives. There is so much talk about how wives cause so much problem because of the "romantic" ways and their "western" culture and their "ownership". I simply wanted the men to think about the response based on how they presented it to their wife. As T used to say, "it is kind of like putting out a beautiful steak dinner with all thrimmings, but serving it on the lid of a garbage can."

In any relationship there is more than one side. I was simply trying to make the gentlemen on the board see this from the woman's perspective. Not judging, asking you guys to see things from her side.

SweetLissa
 
Chaplain said:
My point in all of the above is that sometimes....just sometimes, the CURRENT / FIRST WIFE may have been the one to have brought about a change in the man that has allowed PM to inter into their lives. Just a little something to think about.
Click to expand...

Without taking anything away from the potential of similar circumstances as Chaplain brings out I believe the exact opposite dynamic to be equally true in terms of potential.

Let's say that a woman were the indisputable beauty queen of all the earth (at least in the eye of the beholder), the chief of all homemakers and conversationalists, the epitome of all feminine glory, and a sexual-being beyond which the world has ever known. Even in this circumstance there remains in the heart of man the desire for plural marriage, not coming from a gluttonous spirit but rather from the heart of the father that residually beats within him. (pinch of poetic license)

One could be unaware of this for many years, to lie to himself and inadvertently to others yet the innate forces will still be an undercurrent independent of the placid (or not) appearance of the surface. Insecurity on the part of the ladies, though very understandable given the inculturation and resultant experience of over 1000 years, is really unfounded and flows from the twisted lies of "monogamania" (Mack C's word) that are stealing, killing, and destroying equally both men and women alike.

The truth is always a blessing unless a fresh collection of lies is allowed to contaminate it's pure beauty and essence.

Curtis
 
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