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Romantic love and Polygamy - Are they compatible?

PolyPride

PolyPride

Member
Romantic love is valuing another person more than anything else. You have to give your all to that one person up to even sacrificing yourself for them if need be. If you don't have this for you partner then it is not true love. This is a sum up from what I hear from popular culture and from others on what they feel romantic love is or involves. Now a polygamist would have 2 woman so he would not be able to hold any one woman as the most valuable. This raises the questions:

Can you experience true love in polygamy ?

Do you have to experience love to the depths mentioned above to be in a marriage?
 
Most of the above description of romantic love is based on feelings and not so much action. When you press some people to explain what love would look like in action, it does boil down to things that a polygamous husband can do for his wives. For example, a man can support both wives through good and bad times, etc. Now the love that a polygamist husband can give to his wives doesn't even cover the love (although non-romantic) that the wife can get from the other wife which gives her companionship from two people instead of just one. So I think where there's less romantic idealized love given to just one woman is made up by the extra companionship of having an extra person in the relationship.
 
Well I don't think it is necessary to use other people's definition to answer that question. It is not my definition of romantic love, granted, my idea of romantic love may not be entirely romantic, since they include a lot of chemical signals and pedestal raising, but...it is when that feeling ends that what I see as true love is allowed to develop, can that sort of love exist amongst more than two people? Of course, because it does not involve having to elevate one person above all others, but to feel that you can and want to do all you can to make those you love safe and happy.
People who are parents already know this. I just think that youngsters especially elevate romantic love above all other types of love in the world but to me it is just evidence of inexperience.

B
 
Very well said Bels, 100% agree.

True love is a decision to commit to loving the other person, whether or not you happen to have any fuzzy pink feelings about them today.

The popular romantic view of love is that you're "in love" when you've got fuzzy pink feelings, and if they disappear you must no longer be "in love" and should leave them and look for someone else. That's nonsense.

Having said that, I don't see why someone couldn't have both true, committed love to two people AND feel romantic fuzzy pink nonsensical romantic feelings towards both of them at the same time. I don't see that as mutually exclusive at all. I think that romantic love is just as applicable to polygamy as to monogamy - it just shouldn't be the basis for ANY marriage, but is something to be enjoyed in EVERY marriage when you do feel it. :D
 
It occurs to me that the version of romance polypride first mentioned involves such a level of fixation on the other to the exclusion of all else that it becomes a worship. From the Christian point of view, it tends to border on or perhaps become outright idolatry.

One of the "saving graces" of PM seems to be that it does tend to knock out that ridiculous and wrong level of "romantic" love, and force the man to get his priorities straight.

Sounds a bit religious, I know. But in practice, it seems to be rather practical -- while still leaving plenty of room for warm pink fuzzies. Ummm. Warm lavendar fuzzies. :lol:
 
I am romantically inlove with both my wives, so I am guessing yes in my life. What good would it be if not?
 
Gillfam said:
I am romantically inlove with both my wives,
Click to expand...

So am I, although neither one will live with me at present. *sigh*
 
Now now Cecil .. and I do know that you love both your wives.. maybe God has some work to do in and with them... :cry:
 
And me.

I didn't mean to imply that it isn't all good, nor exclusively their faults. Only responding to the current question that I do romantically love them both. :) It isn't a religious duty, it is love, regardless of better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health, blah, blah, blah. :D

Which means for the next 90 years. 'Cause I am intent on living to 140! At least! :lol:
 
Yes, but it's going to be expensive! :lol:

Isn't it ridiculous that people equate displays of love in the purchase of flowers, jewelry, etc.? How does that even make sense? Imagine how that poor polygamous man in the Lexus commercials must feel. He's got to surprise TWO wives with a luxury vehicle! :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
It sounds to me like what you are defining as romantic love is actually infatuation, and infatuation is not healthy either for the person feeling it or the person the feeling of infatuation is for. If left unchecked, infatuation can turn into obsession and can turn not just unhealthy but dangerous. Also agree in that it turns into worship which is not ok, ever. I think that romantic love is more those warm fuzzy squishy inside feelings. You can most certainly have those for more than one wife and those same feelings can be intense just usually you don't get those overwhelming feelings 24 hours a day.
Just my opinion.
 
So exactly what is "romantic love" anyway? I think we all have a different idea of what romance is. For me, it is flowers after a hard day of work, stolen moments together when one of us unexpectedly gets a morning off, and APPRECIATING each other. That is really the key, isn't it? We must remember not to take each other for granted. If I take time each day to appreciate and love my spouse and he takes time each day to appreciate and love me, then we have romance. Who cares about fancy meals in fine restaurants or valentine's cards. If you take time to make sure you care for your mate and that you appreciate your mate's caring for you, then "romance" as the world describes it is unnecessary.

That is one thing that the schedule hubby and I keep has taught us. We find "romance" in the moments that we actually get to be together. Even if it is just falling asleep with his arms around me. Anything that makes us feel special is romantic.

Even a simple text message that says "I miss you" is romantic if it is taken in the proper context. The idea is that we should appreciate what our mates do every step of the way.

I would propose that "romantic love" is an attitude more than actual activities. And the attitude is as important for each part of the romantic unit.

SweetLissa
 
Like any other woman, I love flowers, dates, getaways and gifts. However, since I officially joined the "First Wives' Club" in August, I find that I am experiencing something that I had no idea needed to deepen, and that's partnership.

We have been partners on so many levels, for so many years, ministering together at the orphanage, working together to find answers when Steve was gravely ill, finding God's purpose and plan when I was in Iraq, and buying the newspaper, (which has been no small challenge, I might add.)

But it has been learning how to be a plural family that has caused me to love him in a way that, dare I say it? seems to transcend what I used to define as romance. I love "the fluff," don't get me wrong, but I am tasting of some "stuff" that I never knew existed, and man alive, is it grand. :)
 
I am reminded of the book, The Five Love Languages, after reading this thread. One of my favorite stories in this book is about a couple who "do" different things for each other but neither of them feel loved by the other. To make a long story short, they esstientally have been doing what they "think" the other spouse wants them to do. Even though the acts of love were well intended they didn't speak love to the other person because it wasn't their love language. Once they understood what was important to the other, they each focused on doing things that really spoke love to the other.

Understanding the actions that truly speak love to our spouse(s) and our sister wife(s) will do miracles.
 
I read that book a long time ago and got a lot out of it. However, I believe it also addresses the receiver of the love needing to recognize that the giver of the love gives naturally in a different way and we should learn to receive and appreciate that love in whatever form. For me, spending time and talking with me is probably the most important love language. To hubby it is giving him respect. So if he gives me respect, then I need to appreciate that because he is speaking his own language to me. And when I talk to him and spend time with him, he needs to appreciate that I am loving him in my own language. Of course we strive to speak the other person's language too, but it helps to learn to appreciate the other's love languages as well.

SweetLissa
 
good points about an excellent book.
realizing my own love language has freed me from the condemnation of not automatically responding in the way that another person would.
 
I think while some may still say that there's more romantic love in monogamy we can also bring up how there may be more of other types of love in polygamy. Companionate love is a psychological term and it's explained on Wikipedia and other sources when you google it but I'll cite one definition:

"Companionate love refers to the feelings of intimacy and affection we feel for another person when we care deeply for the person but do not necessarily experience passion or arousal in his or her presence. Companionate love, as in the love between two best friends, grows out of a mutual enjoyment in companionship and the intimacy of a close friendship."
Source: http://www.psychology-lexicon.com/cms/g ... -love.html

I believe that companionate love is heightened in polygamous relationships, mainly between the wives, and it can make up for the lack of romantic love (if there's a lack when compared to monogamous relationships). In fact, I'd even say there's potential for more companionate love in polygamy than there is in monogamous relationships. The reason I believe this is because you have more people DIRECTLY involved in supporting the marital relations. This would cause the wives to be closer to each other to develop a deep companionate love as opposed to just having a friend who's helping from OUTSIDE the marriage who may have his/her own obligations to worry about.
 
I am aware of the Romanized idea of love and the term "romance" But understanding the Romans should not undermine our enjoyment of love and romance.

If the word "love" in English is a problem then use one of these. Or make up your own. If nothing else the Swedish term may get her to work on your car. (car tech....kärlek).

Arabic: حُب
Chinese: 喜爱
Czech: láska
Danish: kærlighed
Dutch: liefde
Estonian: armastus
Finnish: rakkaus
French: amour
German: die Liebe
Greek: αγάπη
Hungarian: szeretet
Icelandic: ást
Indonesian: sayang
Italian: amore
Japanese: 愛
Korean: 애정
Latvian: mīlestība
Lithuanian: meilė
Norwegian: kjærlighet
Polish: zamiłowanie
Portuguese: amor
Romanian: dragoste
Russian: любовь
Slovak: láska
Slovenian: ljubezen
Spanish: amor
Swedish: kärlek
Turkish: aşk
 
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