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Safe haven?

Lila

Lila

Member
Female
At what stage does the man get to finding himself a safe haven at home when he is into poly?

I thought that is ultimately the great advantage if it ever gets to such a stage but sure not something it starts with considering how many differences may need reconciling first. Am I right?

Apparently, my husband imagines that if any wife has ever a problem he will simply stick to the other one for the time being to keep himself "safe" and therefore avoid the ups and downs.

Any thoughts?
 
As someone who is in the beginning of this journey, I think the "safe haven" stage is something that everyone has to work for. I'm finding that my husband and his fiancée and I are having to work harder than ever before.
And maybe that's what makes the end so amazing.
Knowing that you walked through fire together and came out the other side. Not completely unburnt--but stronger.
And sticking together, giving 100% when the others can only give 10%, that's a part of the package for me.
I'm with your husband--I'd LOVE to avoid these ups and downs and just be on the other side already. But, I'm learning that's not the way this works. ;)
 
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Well my thought is that this strategy will ensure that he has:

1) Two wives that know for certain that they will go through all of their battles alone

2) Two women that learn to despise each other because the one that is hurting will be ignored in favor of the wife that is happy

3) Two women that learn to see the husband as a toy to play with when they are content, but never as a leader to look to when they need help.

I hope that this is not actually your husband's intent. and that it just looks that way right now.
 
Lila, I don't understand your question. Would you please rephrase it and try again?
 
Monogamous or polygynous, a man's home is his safe space. That is where he escapes to. If that is not the case then he needs to fix his home, not run away from it. That being said, we have a room in the house completely dedicated to daddy's mini-vacations. I like to think of it as my Hall of Solitude. The hoi polloi call it the bathroom.
 
Basically, he thinks that if there is another wife around then in case of let's say a conflict with me, he will be able to stay unaffected and stroke his soul by talking to or going for a walk with the other one that would be his supporter further on despite the discord.
Obviously, it's not allowed for the wives to "gang up" on him at such times. He says he would ensure they could not anyway.

I don't want to sound vicious but through that statement of his, he portrayed himself as self-fish. I think marriage is hard work and requires determination and commitment. He makes it sound like I tried just that little and like I didn't really care. He said he got to the point where he is certain he doesn't deserve to get anything else but respect and agreement to whatever it is he is doing.
Oh, let me say I haven't even started talking yet as in actually saying things/ bringing up stuff he may likely become upset about. And no, I am not trying to make him feel the pain which I could but I choose not to.

So as for his belief he gets to stay out of trouble in case of falling back on another person around that would provide full time respect despite any disagreements, I was just wondering if I am to freak out about that or whether in fact it doesn't work like that really anyway..
 
Wow. Just wow. :(

That's what I sorta gathered from your first post, but I was hoping I was just misunderstanding something.

Preface: There is a large overlap between the ideas of polygamy and patriarchy, but they are not the same thing. And it's possible to be monogamous or single and be an arrogant SOB of a guy and treat women like crap, and it's possible to be polygamous and run a fairly democratic household.

"Being powerful is like being a lady: If you have to tell people you are, you aren't."
-- Margaret Thatcher, The Iron Lady, killing two birds with one stone.​

Being a "patriarch" is a form of power (duh), and it's also a form of character and conduct (the 'ladylike' part)—if you have to talk about your authority and your position and the respect you deserve, then you probably don't have any and you don't deserve it.

I don't see any bible verses that address reminding your wife who she's talking to and putting her in her place. I do see a fair amount about loving her and being mindful of her weaknesses, on top of all the general stuff about how Christians are supposed to treat each other.

So having said all that </preface>, it seems there's a pattern with your husband, and it has to do with his thinking he's got this and he just needs to tell everybody (mostly you) how it's going to be, and then you're just gonna deal with it.

The nicest thing I can say about that is that it wouldn't get the Biblical Families Seal of Approval. I could also say that in my experience, the guys that are the most sure they've got it all figured out on their own and expect the most from their first wives (or in some cases second) without reciprocating the effort are the guys most likely to fail. Beyond that, I'm going to keep my mouth shut. If you have to tell people you're a gentleman, you're not.
 
I didn't mean to spill the beans but it's hard to to anything when he is so sure and certain and convinced and determined to prove that he is right.
I do think he hasn't started out like that initially when it was all still just a theory, he is a good man after all, but as soon as the potential became a potential it seems he changes so much day by day as for all the certainty he believes to be operating within.

I would like to express my deepest appreciation for this platform. Obviously, I am totally unable to neither predict anything or have a good guess as to what is it going to be like next but it sure helps to talk to people with real life experiences.

I would like to think and hope there is a coming back from all this though.. .
 
Lila said:
I would like to think and hope there is a coming back from all this though.. .
Click to expand...

And there totally is. Patience and faith and meekness will make way for a better and more acceptable time, whether your husband is right, wrong or otherwise. The Father will reward you for your obedience and will not let single moment's patient frustration go unnoticed or unaddressed. If God can better instruct Paul, who was a murderer, surely he can refine your husband who loves you.
 
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