Scott Adams, creator of the comic strip Dilbert, has written a few books, and in one of them I ran across the following nugget. Some gold, some dross. Worth a look. Enjoy!
(NB - He also writes a blog that is always interesting whether you always agree with him or not. Check it out here.)
To set this up, this particular story features a guru-like character explaining a lot of stuff to a seeker. Gives Adams a great frame within to share his thoughts. With no further ado:
---------------------
"Women believe that men are, in a sense, defective versions of women," he began. "Men believe that women are defective versions of men. Both genders are trapped in a delusion that their personal viewpoints are universal. That viewpoint—that each gender is a defective version of the other—is the root of all misunderstandings."
"How does that help me?" I asked.
"Women define themselves by their relationships and men define themselves by whom they are helping. Women believe value is created by sacrifice. If you are willing to give up your favorite activities to be with her, she will trust you. If being with her is too easy for you, she will not trust you. You can accomplish your sacrifices symbolically at first, by leaving work early to buy flowers, canceling your softball game to make a date, that sort of thing."
"Why does it seem like the rich and famous guys get all the women?" I asked.
"Partly because the rich and famous are capable of making larger sacrifices. The average man might be sacrificing a night of television to be with a woman. The rich and famous man could be sacrificing a week in Tahiti. There is much to be said about the attraction of power and confidence exhibited by a rich and powerful man, but capacity for sacrifice is the most important thing."
"What do men value?" I asked.
"Men believe value is created by accomplishment, and they have objectives for the women in their lives. If a woman meets the objectives, he assumes she loves him. If she fails to meet the objectives, he will assume she does not love him. The man assumes that if the woman loved him she would have tried harder and he always believes his objectives for her are reasonable."
"What objectives?"
"The objectives are different for each man. Men rarely share these objectives because doing so is a recipe for disaster. No woman would tolerate being given a set of goals."
"So what should a guy do if the woman in his life doesn't meet these secret objectives? How can he get her to change?"
"He can't," he replied. "People don't change to meet the objectives of other people. Men can be molded in small ways—clothing and haircuts and manners—because those things are not important to most men. Women can't be changed at all."
"I'm not hearing anything helpful here."
"The best you can hope for in a relationship is to find someone whose flaws are the sort you don't mind. It is futile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someone who is capable of significant change; that sort of person exists only in our imaginations."
"Let's say I find the person whose flaws I don't mind," I said. "The hard part is keeping her. I haven't had much luck in that department."
"A woman needs to be told that you would sacrifice anything for her. A man needs to be told he is being useful. When the man or woman strays from that formula, the other loses trust. When trust is lost, communication falls apart."
"I don't think you need to trust someone to communicate. I can talk to someone I distrust as easily as someone I trust."
"Without trust, you can communicate only trivial things. If you try to communicate something important without a foundation of trust, you will be suspected of having a secret agenda. Your words will be analyzed for hidden meaning and your simple message will be clouded by suspicions."
"I guess I can see that. How can I be more trusted?"
"Lie."
"Now you're kidding, right?" I asked.
"You should lie about your talents and accomplishments, describing your victories in dismissive terms as if they were the result of luck. And you should exaggerate your flaws."
"Why in the world would I want to tell people I was a failure and an idiot? Isn't it better to be honest?"
"Honesty is like food. Both are necessary, but too much of either creates discomfort. When you downplay your accomplishments, you make people feel better about their own accomplishments. It is dishonest, but it is kind."
"This is good stuff. What other tips do you have?"
"You think casual conversation is a waste of time."
"Sure, unless I have something to say. I don't know how people can blab about nothing."
"Your problem is that your view conversation as a way to exchange information," he said.
"That's what it is," I said, thinking I was pointing out the obvious.
"Conversation is more than the sum of the words. It is also a way of signaling the importance of another person by showing your willingness to give that person your rarest resource: time. It is a way of conveying respect. Conversation reminds us that we are part of a greater whole, connected in some way that transcends duty or bloodline or commerce. Conversation can be many things, but it can never be useless."
---------------------
See what I mean? Lots to think about....
(NB - He also writes a blog that is always interesting whether you always agree with him or not. Check it out here.)
To set this up, this particular story features a guru-like character explaining a lot of stuff to a seeker. Gives Adams a great frame within to share his thoughts. With no further ado:
---------------------
"Women believe that men are, in a sense, defective versions of women," he began. "Men believe that women are defective versions of men. Both genders are trapped in a delusion that their personal viewpoints are universal. That viewpoint—that each gender is a defective version of the other—is the root of all misunderstandings."
"How does that help me?" I asked.
"Women define themselves by their relationships and men define themselves by whom they are helping. Women believe value is created by sacrifice. If you are willing to give up your favorite activities to be with her, she will trust you. If being with her is too easy for you, she will not trust you. You can accomplish your sacrifices symbolically at first, by leaving work early to buy flowers, canceling your softball game to make a date, that sort of thing."
"Why does it seem like the rich and famous guys get all the women?" I asked.
"Partly because the rich and famous are capable of making larger sacrifices. The average man might be sacrificing a night of television to be with a woman. The rich and famous man could be sacrificing a week in Tahiti. There is much to be said about the attraction of power and confidence exhibited by a rich and powerful man, but capacity for sacrifice is the most important thing."
"What do men value?" I asked.
"Men believe value is created by accomplishment, and they have objectives for the women in their lives. If a woman meets the objectives, he assumes she loves him. If she fails to meet the objectives, he will assume she does not love him. The man assumes that if the woman loved him she would have tried harder and he always believes his objectives for her are reasonable."
"What objectives?"
"The objectives are different for each man. Men rarely share these objectives because doing so is a recipe for disaster. No woman would tolerate being given a set of goals."
"So what should a guy do if the woman in his life doesn't meet these secret objectives? How can he get her to change?"
"He can't," he replied. "People don't change to meet the objectives of other people. Men can be molded in small ways—clothing and haircuts and manners—because those things are not important to most men. Women can't be changed at all."
"I'm not hearing anything helpful here."
"The best you can hope for in a relationship is to find someone whose flaws are the sort you don't mind. It is futile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someone who is capable of significant change; that sort of person exists only in our imaginations."
"Let's say I find the person whose flaws I don't mind," I said. "The hard part is keeping her. I haven't had much luck in that department."
"A woman needs to be told that you would sacrifice anything for her. A man needs to be told he is being useful. When the man or woman strays from that formula, the other loses trust. When trust is lost, communication falls apart."
"I don't think you need to trust someone to communicate. I can talk to someone I distrust as easily as someone I trust."
"Without trust, you can communicate only trivial things. If you try to communicate something important without a foundation of trust, you will be suspected of having a secret agenda. Your words will be analyzed for hidden meaning and your simple message will be clouded by suspicions."
"I guess I can see that. How can I be more trusted?"
"Lie."
"Now you're kidding, right?" I asked.
"You should lie about your talents and accomplishments, describing your victories in dismissive terms as if they were the result of luck. And you should exaggerate your flaws."
"Why in the world would I want to tell people I was a failure and an idiot? Isn't it better to be honest?"
"Honesty is like food. Both are necessary, but too much of either creates discomfort. When you downplay your accomplishments, you make people feel better about their own accomplishments. It is dishonest, but it is kind."
"This is good stuff. What other tips do you have?"
"You think casual conversation is a waste of time."
"Sure, unless I have something to say. I don't know how people can blab about nothing."
"Your problem is that your view conversation as a way to exchange information," he said.
"That's what it is," I said, thinking I was pointing out the obvious.
"Conversation is more than the sum of the words. It is also a way of signaling the importance of another person by showing your willingness to give that person your rarest resource: time. It is a way of conveying respect. Conversation reminds us that we are part of a greater whole, connected in some way that transcends duty or bloodline or commerce. Conversation can be many things, but it can never be useless."
---------------------
See what I mean? Lots to think about....
). Anyway, after a couple of those times, and usually while I was cleaning up, she would hurry in to help me help her. She felt so bad that I was cleaning the house up after a day at work that she determined to make sure it was clean before I got home so that there wouldn't be anything for me to clean.
