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Second wife problems

EK8

EK8

Member
Female
I love my family, husband, sister wife, all of our kids (5 are hers, and 1 is mine). My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and he has been married to my sister wife for 16 years. They have been through a lot together, which includes trusting that the Lord will provide when they lived in poverty together. They share an amazing bond, and my sister wife has a lot of experience being married and taking care of a husband. I feel honestly the two of us, my sister wife and myself full-fill this scripture:

Titus 2:3-5 "The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed."

I am definitely the younger woman learning how to love my husband, children, to be obedient to my husband, and a keeper of the home. She has all the experience, and I've barley got my foot in the water. She's also closer to him in age. He is 45 and she is 40, but I'm only 30. So there is also a level of maturity that I don't have. I'm trying to learn how to be a good wife, and he's patient with me, and thankfully my sister wife is too. She isn't catty, backstabbing, or manipulative. Sometimes our personalities do rub each other the wrong way. She's more serious and I'm carefree, also she's extroverted and I'm very much an introvert.

So here's my point, sorry it took me so long to reach it. I feel like I'm always hiding behind my sister wife's light. I tell myself oh she wouldn't have messed up like I did, or she would have served our husband better than me and not complain. Our I feel like my husband talks to her more because they have more in common, or I'm the fun wife to go out with and joke with but not the one to talk business with. I even sometimes catch myself thinking that he doesn't miss me as much when we are apart and he is with her. I know I need to get out of this game of comparing myself, and that Satan is probably just messing with my mind too much. I just wanted to voice all of this to get it out, to voice it to women who understand this life, and who wouldn't say "oh look it must not be working," or "you're in that situation because it's unnatural and you shouldn't be." My side of the family (except my mom and grandmom) expect me to run back to my hometown any minute saying they are right and I was wrong to do this.

Thank you all for your time! I really hope to hear from you all! I know that this is all probably just growing pains and will get better with time. I really do feel called to be in this life and part of this family. I have no regrets or doubts.
 
Samuel and I were talking the other day about if he had another wife exactly the same as me, like my twin. What a horrible thought it was! I don't want a SW exactly like me who's got my faults and is as good as the things I'm good at. I want someone that fits into our family, that helps me in the areas I struggle in, that I can help her with the things she struggles with, and that we can both lift each other up.
You're supposed to be different. Your husband married you as you were 3 years ago, he loved you then for who you were. Anything else you get better at along the way is just a bonus.

EK8 said:
I feel like my husband talks to her more because they have more in common, or I'm the fun wife to go out with and joke with but not the one to talk business with.
Click to expand...
Our generator broke a couple of weeks ago. Samuel was heading out to fix it and asked who wanted to help him. What he expected was that one or both of our boys (10 and 8 years) would be jumping at the chance. But they both weren't at all interested. Instead it was our 7 year old daughter that put up her hand and was super excited about it. He hadn't at all expected that she would want to be a part of it, but she went out, learned heaps, had her arms in a generator tightening nuts etc, and very excitedly told me all about it when she came in. We both saw a new side of her, not so much the 'girly' side, but the practical fix it side, a girl who loves getting dirty and fixing generators lol. After that Samuel took her out to help with some concreting and she loved that just as much. Yet currently she's dressed up in pretty clothes and is spinning around the lounge with a dance ribbon as I type this.
The thing is, maybe your husband sees you as someone who enjoys the fun going out stuff, and doesn't like business, and doesn't want to get her arms deep in a generator. And maybe you need to let him know that actually there's so much more you're interested in learning and discussing with him, and he might see a whole other side of you.
 
Thank you for your kind words I needed them! My husband has told me that I bring value to the family and that he married me because I am intelligent. I don't feel like it all the time. I can be very hard on myself and jump to conclusions, which I've been working very hard on. It is awesome that I'm polar opposite of my sister wife and our husband is in the middle of the two of us. He has mentioned in the past that he loves the fact that when we go out to movies I don't fall asleep and I'm just as excited as he is to watch the same type of movies. I'm sure there are some things I could explore and discuss with him. I think sometimes because I am carefree that he uses our time to relax and unwind more. I know my sister wife enjoys talking about more serious things and business. I care but I'm more relaxed.
 
I think you sound wonderfully strong and patient. You've been through the process of being added as a sister wife and that shows a lot of maturity to me! I think your right that's it's probably just growing pains, but it sounds like you have a wonderful family that loves you and each other. The other wife and husband may have a different relationship than yours and the husband but they can both be beautiful. I've wondered before if another wife gets added to our family if she may feel like you are because my husband and I have been together for almost 14 years, but over time I think they could get just as close. Satan does like to poke at our thoughts where they can cause the most pain and sorrow, just rebuke him and remind yourself how special and loved you are. :)
 
Satan can definitely twist a truth and make a lie-truth out of it, as he did with Eve. Don’t be deceived. A verse that I’ve repeated so many times lately is -if this thought isn’t pure, lovely, true or of a good report, I won’t think on it-get out of my head!!(that’s my paraphrase) I’ve been so focused on how to respond in a loving/godly way it hasn’t occurred to me that a second wife would have the same insecurities as the first wife might. I’m very task oriented, and I love business, paper, organized space, deadlines, I can get bossy, and nit picky. I definitely don’t want another woman like me in this house-it’s bad enough I have a daughter that’s somewhat similar in these areas!! I’m with FH2. We are each fearfully and wonderfully made- live to be who God made you, after all that’s probably why your husband chose you and her:p. Choose to grow and conform to His image, everything else won’t matter. If you ‘feel’ weak in an area, ask your sw for the knowledge so you can gain experience or ask google!! Don’t get caught up in comparing yourself against someone, you haven’t walked in those shoes, but learn from her knowledge and experience. Lack of knowledge and experience is easily gained by doing, asking and learning. Don’t forget to be willing to teach her.
 
I agree with FH2 and Well Loved Wife. For whatever it's worth, my thoughts after reading your comments were these: The adversary is a sly old fox and will stop at nothing to do anything that will drive a wedge into a relationship(s). Self-doubt is one of his handiest tools he uses on us ladies. It starts a very steep and slippery slope in your own heart and begins to erode valued relationships. Re-establish 1.) who you are--a daughter of the most high King if you've turned to Yeshua. 2.) whose you are--bride of your beloved Bridegroom who gave Himself a ransom for your soul. 3.) where you are--in a Biblical family full of love, acceptance, honor. 4.) why you are 2nd wife--because your beloved desired you for who you are. Rejoice in that. Renew your 1st love with your Bridegroom and your beloved. 5.) Breathe--relax. Find something every day to truly be thankful for in your beloved and in 1st wife. Write them down in a journal. Date it every day. Now you're creating a tangible picture to remind yourself when the enemy comes prowling.

I've never been part of a Biblical Family nor experienced yet being around BF's. I'm a widow that is still heaing from many things, but I really wanted to share my heart with you on this. I know what it's taken for me to surface from a very dark pit. I hope something I've said helps and that Yeshua can use it to touch a heart string of yours. Rejoice in who you are. "But by the grace of God I am what I am:..." I Corinthians 15:10 You can't be 1st wife, and she can't be you. Your husband needs you to blossom into the beautiful flower that only you can become. He needs and desires your fragrance to grace his dwelling. It will automatically complement his and 1st wife's. Rest in that.

Blessings to you EK8!
 
If I had a sister that was the same as me I do not think he would cope lol we are one of a kind and we all have different strengths and weekneweak I love doing things with my hands but don't as me to do account or anything like that lol.
See we are all different and you will bring your own strengths to the family.
 
I'm sure some of what you are thinking is exactly what I would be feeling as well. Not because it's true but because I'm absolutely a self-doubter and worrier....you can tell I'm doing it because I'm breathing it's absolutely a weakness of mine.

Will be sending your prayers and positive thoughts your way - to know that your husband chose you and that every relationship is different and that every person brings something unique and special to the family.
 
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