Security for the Family and the new Sister Wife

[andrew]

Any thoughts or solutions for that? Aside from the obvious, don't separate!

Don't have children with a woman you don't trust with your life. (That explains about 1/2 of the MGTOW phenomenon....)

Don't be a jerk. Remember that the judge is looking for "the best interest of the child". Don't be the kind of parent a judge doesn't want children to be with.

Know in advance that the system is rigged against fathers ("tender years" doctrine), and invest heavily in your relationship with your wife.

None of this applies to you, just making general observations.

 

[andrew]

IOW, while there may well be other good reasons to choose to avoid a license, I'm not sure whether this particular issue has anything to do with that decision at all.

Correct. In the domain of child custody, child support, and "the best interest of the child", all that counts is paternity. Marriage is irrelevant, so the license is also irrelevant.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

I just got back home from a men's retreat this weekend with my son and one of his friends. I'd determined to stay off of tech while away so I'm just now catching up with the thread. Before I went, I realized that it seemed like I might have placed too much emphasis on the separation aspects of the ketubah.
I wholeheartedly agree with @FH2 that when another is added that the end result is one flesh/one body from finances to children to whatever. I also agree with @Joleneakamama in taking a leap of faith when God opens the door and brings another of His daughters to your husband to steward.
I realize that the desired result of bringing another into covenant is a lifetime addition to the family. That being said, unfortunately in our culture, all it takes to ruin the lifetime covenant is the decision of one of the parties to break covenant. I'll never forget the wise words of an older friend (about 30) of mine when I was about 15. He said, If a woman wants to leave, in this day, in this culture, there is nothing you can do to stop her!
Everyone wants and desires happily ever after. Unfortunately, most adults in our society have no role model to emulate or query about how to make that a reality. The happily ever after model is rapidly becoming a myth and fairytale to so many in our culture today. That is not to say that it is unachievable!!! Just that most do not have a working understanding of the roles necessary and a working model to follow or emulate. Also, many couples have rejected the influence of their parents (some for good reason) or pastors/mentors and will allow no one to influence them or guide them in a good way.
Although I realize that my friends words that day were wise, I have also come to know that they weren't entirely true. There is something that you can do to stop her. It is a simple two part answer though it is not necessarily easily implemented. It comes from the Biblical example of the rod and the staff of Psalms 23. Initially, my first thoughts that this phrase generated (the rod and staff) was of a negative connotation. It made me think of the stereotypical image of the patriarchal father ruling the roost by whatever means possible including what I would think of as abuse.
As I studied the phrase deeper and in context, I soon realized that the two very real, very physical implements had more importance as symbols. For example, both were the tools of the shepherd. The rod was the symbol of authority and defense and the staff or shepherds crook was the symbol of boundaries. The shepherd doesn't beat the sheep or strike the sheep, that is just counter productive. The rod is for those who would seek to harm the flock, and to be a visible reminder to the flock that their owner (God) has entrusted them under the stewardship of the one bearing the rod. The staff or crook is to provide an ever ready means of boundary or guidance and is to be an extension of the will of the shepherd.
In the context of Psalm 23, these two implements are noted as implements of comfort . . .thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
So the first part of the answer is to understand the two roles and as the husband, to own or fulfill the role of Adown.
The second part of the answer is to make the "grass" greener in your pasture than anywhere else. Now I'm not talking specifically about financial enticements. There are many men who are better off financially and yet spiritually and morally destitute. Likewise, I'm sure that there are women out there who have no need of your finances and are completely capable of managing their own affairs. The primary way that the True Shepherd places boundaries around his flock is summed up in one phrase, ... my sheep hear my voice, and follow me. The Fathers daughters are not just looking for a man to provide for them and protect them! They are looking for someone who will promise to never leave them or forsake them, who is willing and able to be an "abba" father for their children, and who will appreciate them for who they are and the role they play in the marriage, and who will lead them and guide them to be a family after God's own heart!
One of the quotes that I took away from the retreat this weekend was this, "I want my wife(s) to know that she is invaluable to me, everyday!" (I added the 's')

 

[Verifyveritas76]

With all of that being said above, I still cant get away from the biblical example that the woman who was in a bad situation could always return to her fathers house whether a captive, a hand maid or a covenanted wife. Each one had a set of expectations of the Adown as well as an understanding of what was expected of her. If the Adown didn't perform according to the ketubah for the covenanted wife, by covenant, she was totally within her rights to return to her fathers house with her dowry.
That was not a very common response for the women for several reasons: 1) She would usually remain in her fathers house until her former husband expired, which would usually result in an 'old maid' that was unwanted by another man, and 2) it was generally frowned upon culturally to leave the husband and children. 3) In their society, the children belonged to the father so if she left, she must leave her children and 4) Though she had a right to her property, it was generally considered to be on loan to her husband to benefit the household. Without being able to obtain a writing of divorcement from the husband, it was usually next to impossible to collect on the loan. (Not saying that it was a good, fair custom, this is just the reality experienced by most of the women)
For the handmaid, she would be released to her fathers house at the end of her six years IF the Adown or his son was unhappy with her and unwilling to make her a wife
For the captive, if she failed to please her captor, he was obligated to let her go free for nothing because he had humbled her. That being said, she was only freed if he had humbled her (slept with her), and was unhappy with her.

Though I realize that it may be an unenforceable clause to the covenant today, I still think that the conversation about separation is a necessary and invaluable tool for making sure everyone is on the same page. It clarifies positions and perspectives and opens dialog revealing the lowest common denominator for both parties.
Even for an existing wife who may be having difficulties with the idea of another new wife, I think that this conversation has merit. Though we men may be oblivious to our wives insecurities and reluctance to truly follow down this path, a simple conversation about the possibility may allow us to address said insecurity and reluctance before it is needed.

I can see it being addressed very simply something like this. (Dear Wife) I realize that this is not what you had in mind when you signed on. I know biblically that I don't own you, I am just your steward or Adown and that I must answer to My Adown for how I steward you. He has provided for you to return to your fathers house if you feel you must. While I love you with an incredible love, I must follow my Adown and obey him. I'm not certain where all of this will lead, but I am confident that He knows. If I will follow and submit to his will, he will cause everything to come out for my good and for His glory. I hope that you have enough confidence in me to allow me the same measure of trust. Because I am not a free agent, (I serve at my Masters discretion) there are some things that I may not be able to promise you. But these things I know are in line with my Adown's commandments and example and I freely promise these. 1). I will never leave you or forsake you. Though you are able to do so, because I re-present the Father, I am never allowed to do so. This is a lifetime covenant or until such time as you remove me as your Adown. 2). As God gives me strength and wisdom to do so, I will attempt to make my yoke easy and your burden light. 3). I am commanded that the wife of my youth has a special role in my stewardship and this role may not be diminished. (The provision and marital duty among others). 4) As God blesses us, I will be happy to provide you with the opportunity for children if you so wish. 5). I will alway strive to have good will toward you, rejoice with you, and lead and guide you as God gives me direction and vision. 6). I will do all within my ability to protect you and provide Godly counsel and guidance for your spiritual walk, to be the High Priest of my house. 7). I will do my best to love you as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. And lastly, I will fulfill my role as Adown to take my place in the door of my tent to give account to the Judge for everything done under my covering up to and including laying down my life for yours.