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Thinking Out Loud.

I

idealangel2000

New Member
Hi Everyone! Please accept my apology in advance this is a little long.

I really don’t know where to begin. So I guess I’ll start by saying this. (Please be kind, no offense intended here, I’m not ready for harsh words on the subject quite yet.)

I know that polygyny is scriptural and blessed by God. However, I’m not sure if I personally can handle it. I have so many fears, doubts, uncertainties, concerns and anger towards it. I am very fortunate to be married to a very kind, caring, understanding, patient, and loving man. He tries to reassure me that he will always love me and will never leave me and that nothing will change between us, but unfortunately, sometimes that’s not enough. And although he says nothing will change between us, I know that is not completely true. Things will change, maybe it will bring us closer, but right now I can’t see that happening.

I don’t want to be mean or jealous toward any potential future wife, but my fears and uncertainties sometimes can and do get the better of me at times. My biggest fear is the intimacy he will be having with the other woman/women. I feel that I am not satisfying him or I’m lacking somewhere for him to need someone else. And I’ve heard the example of wanting more children as being used in comparison, unfortunately, for me right now that example irritates the heck out of me. And I know it is my fears and uncertainties that cause these feelings. And the thought of my husband being with another woman hurts.

I love my husband so very much. I can’t imagine my life without him, and don’t want to. And I knew he felt this way when we met before we got married, and he has never “forced” (for lack of better words) the issue. I was raised to believe that polygyny was wrong and a sin and that monogamy was how marriage was the only way it was supposed to be, but through reading the Bible, I have come to realize that I was raised with a false truth. Learning this I have accepted that polygyny is blessed by God, although I am still learning to deal with my emotions, and fears and don’t want it for my family just yet. My husband tells me that I have a say in whether or not someone will become part of our family, and I do believe that, but I’m afraid that he will become attached to someone too quickly and get hurt in the process as well. I try not to worry about it and just take each day as they come, but with each day comes the chance that my husband will meet someone and I myself won’t be ready for the change.

We have 3 daughters and I have no problem teaching them that polygyny is scriptural and blessed by God. I don’t want them to go through the same problems that I am going through. And although we are teaching them the real truth, I know that doesn’t mean that they won’t go through these same feelings as well, but maybe it will make it easier on them.

I also would very much love to give my husband a son. I’m afraid that someone else will be the one giving him his son and not me. I feel that I should be the one to give him a son, not someone else. And by not giving him a son, I’m lacking somewhere as a wife and as a woman.

Sometimes I feel like if someone does come along that I will be replaced. Is he still going to love me the same? Will his love for me still grow? Will his love for me fade? Will he want her more than he wants me? Does it make her more “important” or more of a “woman” if she gives him his son and not me? And with learning the truth about polygyny, things weren’t helped much when I had a miscarriage this past summer (And on Father’s Day of all days, sorry just crying out loud here).

So I guess I’m reaching out for help in dealing with the biggest problem I have with the whole polygyny “issue” ( for a lack of a better word to think of right now). The intimacy my husband will be having with someone else. How do you handle these fears and issues? Any suggestions and experiences would be greatly appreciated if anyone wants to share. Thank you very much. God Bless
 
IdealAngel2000 & Shepherd girls,

Part of the reason we are here is so that none of us feel like we are alone. Ideal, you are voicing the sentiments of so many of us. This is a hard thing to wrap your mind around.

I know from past conversations just how far you have come IdealAngel. You are loved and cared for by both Truthfinder1967 and also by God. God won't let you down. He is faithful. I am sorry that you are hurting.

Sweet Lissa
 
IdealAngel2000,

The first thing that came into my mind when I read your message was, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Try to keep in mind that changing your beliefs AND completely accepting these changes won't happen over night. It's going to take some time for you to adjust. It took me quite a while to get comfortable with the idea too (like several years)! Even now, I have some reservations yet to deal with. I think it's a totally natural thing and you shouldn't feel bad because you're still growing and learning and changing. Really, we all are in one way or another!

One of the best things you can do right now is to keep working towards wanting to be happy about it. You may not be where you wish you were, "mentally", but as long as you are seeking to achieve that goal you're making progress. God is there to help you, so is your husband and, thanks to this lovely group, you also have others to help give you advice, prayer, encouragement, and support!

I can relate to your fear of not being able to give your husband the son he desires. Right now I am going through the trial of possibly not being able to have any more children. John has always wanted 12 and I have only been able to give him three (my youngest is six going on seven). I too know that worry of "What if I'm not the one to fulfill that". Recently I read James 1:2-8. Count it all joy, have patience, have faith, and lean on God is what I learned from that Scripture. So, I am going to count it all joy, even if I never have another baby and John marries a lovely lady who gives him 9 more kids. I'm going to have patience that God has a plan for my bareness right now. I am going to have faith that my God knows much more than I do of why I am going through this challenge and eventually I'll learn why. And of course, I'm going to lean on God, because He is the ultimate comforter when our moods are down. I hope you are able to do the same and even better!

I'll be praying for you, I have faith that God will help you get to where you want to be! :)

Respectfully yours,
WomanSeekingGod
 
Lissa,

Thanks for your help and comfort. I know that you are here for me and Truthfinder. You have become a very important part of my life. I am thankful for all that you have done for us and given me. You are a very dear friend. I know I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for you. Thank You!

God Bless!
 
Shepardgirl,

Thank you. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. Not that I want anyone else to be going through what I am going through, just that it makes it easier to deal with knowing that I'm not the only one feeling the way I feel or that I'm the only one going through tough times as well. Like I said, I don't wish this pain on anyone, but it helps to know there are others out there to draw strength and encouragemet from. I will be praying for you.

God Bless!
 
WomanSeekingGod,

Thank you for your reply. I will be praying for you. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my fears, dreams and expectations. LIke I told Shepardgirl, I don't enjoy knowing that others are in pain as well, but it does help to know that there are others going through the same feelings and trials to be able to get comfort and support from. I just try to take life one day at a time now. I used to worry constantly about what if it happens tomorrow, but now I try to live my life one day at a time and I try to enjoy every day I have been blessed with. One of the hardest things for me right now is my desire to give my husband a son and since my miscarriage; I feel like that will never happen. So I try to remind myself that the 3 beautiful, healthy children that we do have may be the only ones I will be given and be thankful that I do have them. And they are a wonderful joy every day. Maybe my desire is so great because of what I'm going through with accepting polygyny. Although, I have always wanted to give my husgand a son even before we started discussing polygyny, but now it seems that my desire is even greater now. I don't know if I'm making any sence here...sorry if I"m not. Like I said I will take life one day at a time and try to enjoy it instead of dread it.

God Bless!
 
I love this. This is exactly what we built this board for. Instead of the "Sisterhood of the Traveling pants," we will have the "Sisterhood of the polygynous husbands."

Shephergirls, IdealAngel, Womanseekinggod, Chaplains Rose and so many of you have brought so much love and joy into my life. Just knowing that you are out there, checking in on us once in a while, loving your husbands and families and waiting expectantly for God to lead you. What an amazing group of women you are. Your husbands are so lucky to have found you and to have loved you all of these years . (You too T).

I count myself as fortunate to know each and everyone of you.

Blessings!

Sweet Lissa
 
The first time my husband had intimate contact with another woman while I was in the same house was terrifying to me. How would I react? Was I going to cry? freak out? how would I feel? I was so afraid. I had become very close to her and wanted her so much for a sisterwife. Yet I just really didn't know how it was going to be, the first time. I will not lie, I laid awake for hours. I had a lot of fears about things..would she do something for him I couldn't? would he love her more than me? desire her more than me? I found myself at the end of the night praying. I prayed to God to show me what was right for me and my life. A feeling of peace came over me. I felt God's love for me and her and my husband. All of us. We were doing the right thing. I went fast to sleep and the next morning I woke up and felt it stronger than ever, God's love for all of us. I am not going to say moments of fear or insecurity stopped at that point, because they did not. But at least when I felt those feelings I knew what to do: pray!
I will tell you one other thing too: a few days later her and I talked about it. I told her how I felt that night and that it was a hard time for me. She told me she completely understood and that she also had a lot of things on her mind that night as well. It really helped to talk about it with her, I know that some sisterwives probably don't talk about sex much but I think there should be no 'sacred cows' in a marriage. My belief is in open and honest communication between sisterwives. I hope what I've told you helps you!
Kacy
 
I don't think that there should be "sacred cows" in the relationships. I think that we each have different comfort levels about certain topics. I am probably a lot older than you and my sister calls herself old all the time although she still looks to be in her 30's. We grew up in a time when sexual stuff wasn't really acceptable conversation. We used euphamisms to "hint" at sexual activity and truthfully, I don't even really feel comfortable talking that way to my partner. So it isn't natural for us to open up to each other this way. We do communicate and we get our messages across when it is necessary, but neither of us feels the need to know about the intimate parts of the other sister's relationship. We think that comparing notes only creates opportunities for us to feel insecure. We know that if necessary we can talk about stuff like this but the reality is that we prefer that some things be private. I don't tell my close friends about my sex life. When I hear people talking about it I find it crude and I just don't care to share. We both agree on this. Others can do as they wish but this is where our comfort level is.

SweetLIssa (and T)
 
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