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This is a rant

Lila

Lila

Member
Female
Before I put down my thoughts in hope to get some feedback esp form those that have more than just theoretical experience, I would like to say that I am not angry but desperate for sure. With that in mind let me begin:

in light of the recent developments I had to contemplate about what it's all about (feel free to contradict me if you think there is a better view on it):
men are created to crave to have intercourse with more than one woman. Some do it in a way of cheating whilst married and others get to sleep with someone else as part of plural marriage instead. Which is a concept from a different century.

There are also men that would fit the description of being a Nice Guy but then there are those which go for whatever they feel in their heart they have to (like my husband).

I guess the same way there are women that choose to stick to their guns and other that in hope of preserving obedience/ submission toward the husband (as an important trait the Scriptures points out as a marital principle) cannot really convince the men otherwise if the men happen to get to a certain conclusion.

What's left? Perhaps to wait. What for? That things evolve.
Right now I find it extremely difficult.

Previously, my husband stated repeatedly he wouldn't want to start off another relationship based on infatuation via the internet yet that's exactly what he is into right now (we fell in love with each other corresponding via internet). He also said he would want to make sure he gets to know the girl's relatives first as that way he can also see what environment she comes from (obviously he didn't quite like mine, he hasn't met them before we married).
Yet, the girl's parents are already against him since the get go. Does it make it more exciting perhaps?

When I respectfully inquired what happened to his previous statements (as per the above) regarding this area he apparently changed his mind about it by 180 degrees. I guess love is so real......

I guess I'm struggling with where is left or right at the moment and I hoped by getting involved here I may prevent getting insane rather later than sooner.
 
Ah... I have more than theoretical experience here.

In general, I'm as steady as a rock and veer not to the right or to the left. Unfortunately, to my wife's dismay, I have occasionally reversed my decisions or proclamations.

I have done this because of unforeseen circumstance. I have done this because of fuller knowledge of doctrines. And I have done this because of unpredictable and fickle emotions.

I'm afraid that although your husband is probably a very self controlled man and usually knows what he is talking about, this is one area where he will not know himself as well as he thinks.

If I may bring King Agur into this:

Proverbs 30:18,19

There are three things which are too wonderful for me, Four which I do not understand: The way of an eagle in the sky, The way of a serpent on a rock, The way of a ship in the middle of the sea, And the way of a man with a maid.

When it comes to women... it seems we do not entirely know ourselves. We have our ideals and our preferences, but it seems those are not as binding as our ideas about other things.

Then why tell our wives things that don't end up being true?

First... well we kinda didn't know they weren't true... we didn't see ourselves doing them until we did.

Second... We want to comfort our wives in any way we can. If our wives want to know how far we will go so they can get their bearings, we will absolutely give them our best approximations at the moment they need them. Unfortunately women are such novel, mysterious, and surprising creatures that they tend to bring things out of us that we did not know were there. I broke my own rules for my first wife, should I be surprised when I break other rules in the pursuit of a second?

hah... and yet I am surprised.

Ultimately your trust for understanding which way is right and left is going to have to be your trust in God, and not your husband's words. Appreciate him for the good and wise man that he is; but understand that he remains a man fashioned from the loose dust of the earth.

It may be wiser in this case not to accept your husband's word for what he will or will not do in the pursuit of a wife, but rather trust that whatever he does he will be doing it with a pure conscience and that God will make the things necessary for your peace of mind available under any circumstances.
 
Slumberfreeze said:
Ah... I have more than theoretical experience here.

In general, I'm as steady as a rock and veer not to the right or to the left. Unfortunately, to my wife's dismay, I have occasionally reversed my decisions or proclamations.

I have done this because of unforeseen circumstance. I have done this because of fuller knowledge of doctrines. And I have done this because of unpredictable and fickle emotions.

I'm afraid that although your husband is probably a very self controlled man and usually knows what he is talking about, this is one area where he will not know himself as well as he thinks.

If I may bring King Agur into this:

Proverbs 30:18,19

There are three things which are too wonderful for me, Four which I do not understand: The way of an eagle in the sky, The way of a serpent on a rock, The way of a ship in the middle of the sea, And the way of a man with a maid.

When it comes to women... it seems we do not entirely know ourselves. We have our ideals and our preferences, but it seems those are not as binding as our ideas about other things.

Then why tell our wives things that don't end up being true?

First... well we kinda didn't know they weren't true... we didn't see ourselves doing them until we did.

Second... We want to comfort our wives in any way we can. If our wives want to know how far we will go so they can get their bearings, we will absolutely give them our best approximations at the moment they need them. Unfortunately women are such novel, mysterious, and surprising creatures that they tend to bring things out of us that we did not know were there. I broke my own rules for my first wife, should I be surprised when I break other rules in the pursuit of a second?

hah... and yet I am surprised.

Ultimately your trust for understanding which way is right and left is going to have to be your trust in God, and not your husband's words. Appreciate him for the good and wise man that he is; but understand that he remains a man fashioned from the loose dust of the earth.

It may be wiser in this case not to accept your husband's word for what he will or will not do in the pursuit of a wife, but rather trust that whatever he does he will be doing it with a pure conscience and that God will make the things necessary for your peace of mind available under any circumstances.
Click to expand...

Wow! Slumber in a performance for the ages! #awesome! Possibly the best written and most on point post I've read in a long time. I would add a thing.

Lila you've done a remarkable job over the years. Stay the course. This will work out.
 
Lila said:
men are created to crave to have intercourse with more than one woman
Click to expand...
Just want to bookmark this for later discussion, maybe another thread. It's not a true statement as written, or put another way, it's a gross over-simplification of a complicated topic. Doesn't need to get hashed out here, though. Stay tuned....
 
I don't have PM experience, but I do have marriage experience.
This could well be Samuel:
Slumberfreeze said:
In general, I'm as steady as a rock and veer not to the right or to the left. Unfortunately, to my wife's dismay, I have occasionally reversed my decisions or proclamations.
Click to expand...
Most of the time he's the same. Then there's times when he's changed his mind, and may not even have thought about telling me about it. In fact, he may not even realise he's changed his mind at all. Perhaps he mentioned something off the cuff, not intending it to be anything, and I've taken it to mean fact. Or we've had a conversation on a certain situation and he's come to a conclusion. He then forgets this conversation entirely, and a new situation comes up where he acts differently. It's not that he's changed his mind, it's that he's reacting to the new situation in a way that seems best at the time. So random discussions that he thinks are minor, can in my mind turn into very big issues because I have taken them to be either confirmation or contradiction of something important, when he never intended it that way.
Constant communication is what's important. From his end, to tell you how and why he's changed his mind on something. And from your end to figure out why you're so upset by something. It's easy to react with emotions, but what's causing those emotions? Often you can go deeper and deeper until you find out why you've reacted so strongly. I try to sit down and have a talk with Samuel, while not getting emotional (hard!) and tell him the deeper issues I'm having and why his behaviour or changing his mind on something has upset me.
Have you discussed this with your husband? Is he fully aware of your feelings and why you feel the way that you do? Or is he just plodding along thinking that you're completely fine with it all or that it's not a big deal? Calmly communicating how you feel won't necessarily change his behaviour, but it can lead to some great discussions that put your mind at ease and make it easier to move forward.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
So random discussions that he thinks are minor, can in my mind turn into very big issues because I have taken them to be either confirmation or contradiction of something important, when he never intended it that way.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your comment. For the record he did point out how poorly he thinks about my relatives at times I wasn't asking him to reference them. He also stated he wouldn't do another internet based relationship ever again without me asking whether he thinks it was great how it has initially started between us. He was sure / certain / convinced/ assuring it was too much virtual and too little reality based.

FollowingHim2 said:
It's easy to react with emotions, but what's causing those emotions? Often you can go deeper and deeper until you find out why you've reacted so strongly.
Click to expand...

Great question. I do, however, work on my emotions to be in tact further on as I have done so far. There was no strong reaction from my side. On the contrary I was so short for words that I couldn't/ wouldn't/ decided to not say much after being informed that she has openly confessed her love for him after he expressed his interest several months ago.

I haven't seen it coming around that quick, I have read threads before women sharing how weird that kind of moment is. And guess what, I found myself in the exactly same situation and felt quite unprepared.
I take it as a progress though to be trying and be looking at it in a different way and be evaluating if this is for real how men are wired because I sure don't get it. Maybe the society we live in is blame I don't know. What does it even change. It's what it is.


FollowingHim2 said:
Have you discussed this with your husband? Is he fully aware of your feelings and why you feel the way that you do? Or is he just plodding along thinking that you're completely fine with it all or that it's not a big deal?
Click to expand...

Yep, he doesn't see why it's a big deal if it's such a straightforward situation.
Currently, I'm reading "Love Busters" by W.F Harley. It makes a good point on suggesting there is a constant fight within each individual between the so called Taker and Giver.
It was funny though as it quite precisely answered why is that girl the best thing that happened to him in his entire life so far as she is clinging to every of his word uttered in a way I probably never have done. It's hard to "compete" or "keep up the score" when one isn't that much in check with reality but I sure am not quitting at least not right this minute anyway.
I have never been to Disney Land but this ride will be even crazier I guess.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
I don't have PM experience, but I do have marriage experience.
This could well be Samuel:

Most of the time he's the same. Then there's times when he's changed his mind, and may not even have thought about telling me about it. In fact, he may not even realise he's changed his mind at all. Perhaps he mentioned something off the cuff, not intending it to be anything, and I've taken it to mean fact. Or we've had a conversation on a certain situation and he's come to a conclusion. He then forgets this conversation entirely, and a new situation comes up where he acts differently. It's not that he's changed his mind, it's that he's reacting to the new situation in a way that seems best at the time. So random discussions that he thinks are minor, can in my mind turn into very big issues because I have taken them to be either confirmation or contradiction of something important, when he never intended it that way.
Constant communication is what's important. From his end, to tell you how and why he's changed his mind on something. And from your end to figure out why you're so upset by something. It's easy to react with emotions, but what's causing those emotions? Often you can go deeper and deeper until you find out why you've reacted so strongly. I try to sit down and have a talk with Samuel, while not getting emotional (hard!) and tell him the deeper issues I'm having and why his behaviour or changing his mind on something has upset me.
Have you discussed this with your husband? Is he fully aware of your feelings and why you feel the way that you do? Or is he just plodding along thinking that you're completely fine with it all or that it's not a big deal? Calmly communicating how you feel won't necessarily change his behaviour, but it can lead to some great discussions that put your mind at ease and make it easier to move forward.
Click to expand...

This should be a class taught to the ladies at a retreat.
 
Lila said:
Thanks for your comment. For the record he did point out how poorly he thinks about my relatives at times I wasn't asking him to reference them. He also stated he wouldn't do another internet based relationship ever again without me asking whether he thinks it was great how it has initially started between us. He was sure / certain / convinced/ assuring it was too much virtual and too little reality based.



Great question. I do, however, work on my emotions to be in tact further on as I have done so far. There was no strong reaction from my side. On the contrary I was so short for words that I couldn't/ wouldn't/ decided to not say much after being informed that she has openly confessed her love for him after he expressed his interest several months ago.

I haven't seen it coming around that quick, I have read threads before women sharing how weird that kind of moment is. And guess what, I found myself in the exactly same situation and felt quite unprepared.
I take it as a progress though to be trying and be looking at it in a different way and be evaluating if this is for real how men are wired because I sure don't get it. Maybe the society we live in is blame I don't know. What does it even change. It's what it is.




Yep, he doesn't see why it's a big deal if it's such a straightforward situation.
Currently, I'm reading "Love Busters" by W.F Harley. It makes a good point on suggesting there is a constant fight within each individual between the so called Taker and Giver.
It was funny though as it quite precisely answered why is that girl the best thing that happened to him in his entire life so far as she is clinging to every of his word uttered in a way I probably never have done. It's hard to "compete" or "keep up the score" when one isn't that much in check with reality but I sure am not quitting at least not right this minute anyway.
I have never been to Disney Land but this ride will be even crazier I guess.
Click to expand...

Don't do anything hasty. Internet romances tend to blossom and fade rather quickly in monogamous relationships let alone in a case as complicated as this one. Reality is always different than the fantasy.
 
Slumberfreeze said:
In general, I'm as steady as a rock and veer not to the right or to the left. Unfortunately, to my wife's dismay, I have occasionally reversed my decisions or proclamations.
Click to expand...

In my case, I feel like it is often that I made statements/promises/vows that I have since learned are outside of my Adown's boundaries. What do you do when this happens? I'm not certain, but I have a feeling that the vow was disallowed in the day that He heard it as is His right as Adown. It just took me a while to figure out that it was an invalid oath. I did not however use that as a blanket excuse to break said vows. After much study, and keeping my Mrs up to speed with the info I was learning, God provided us with an opportunity where we amended and updated said vows to more accurately reflect the type of vows that were acceptable. It was truly an incredible, benchmark moment in our marriage.
Aside from that, I am (hopefully) continuously being conformed into the image of my Adown. Sometimes, that means that there is a course correction involved. I bless God for providing me with a helpmate that follows.
 
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