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Time and 'Fairness'

andrew

andrew

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From a letter I just sent in response to some questions about time and fairness:

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You're on the right track. You want to start with a more formal approach to being 'fair' with the understanding that you'll know you're more highly evolved when you're less invested in abstract ideas of fairness and more invested in each other personally and intimately. Roughly comparable to having to learn a new skill such as playing tennis or playing guitar: You have to pay a lot of attention to 'the rules' at first, but obviously that's to internalize the basics and then move on to the fun part. It's not the destination.

Don't be too compulsive about it. I know of one family that was completely OCD: $45 on dinner with one wife meant $45 for dinner with the other wife. Kiss one, you have to kiss the other to even it up. If it's a 30 second kiss for one, it's 30 seconds for the other. (Okay, maybe not that last part, but really annoyingly detailed and legalistic.) That family is no longer together....

At first we were almost that bad. The ladies paid attention to who sat next to me at dinner, or watching a movie, and tried to rotate around. I came to call that "merry-go-round monogamy", and it drove us all nuts. But it's like we had to experience that to realize how misguided it was.

Over time we have tried several different nighttime arrangements, before finally settling into something that has remained constant for years (that we are now starting to talk about changing again!). Again, basic fairness should guide you at first, but each family is different, and this is where I always say that there are no rules, only experiences, and the most important thing is not that you find somebody else's formula, but that you all learn grace and patience and a certain open-minded, optimistic approach to life that says that if you try something and it's not working for somebody, you'll try something else, without wasting a lot of time on blame and punishment. It's on you to figure out what's going to work best for your family, although I will always be here to let you know what I've learned along the way if that information is helpful to you.

Other than nighttimes and special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.), we're pretty much "all for one and one for all". We don't really have set hours or days where I spend more time with or even pay more attention to one or the other. And I can't really speak to the issue of how it works for separate houses, because we've never lived that way.

The issue of work time can be problematic. Over time, we have gone through phases where we were all working together, or all working separately, or occasionally I will be working closely with one wife over an extended period of time. When that happens, I try to make up for it in small ways, but overall, time spent OTJ is not considered personal time or accounted for as such. Seems to work for us. I have, however, seen this be a bigger problem where one wife has a profession that is going to be her separate work for the rest of her life, and the other wife is sort of like the husband's business partner in a different enterprise. Not saying that challenge can't be overcome, but it does appear to be a bigger challenge.

Let me know if that helps and if you have any other questions!

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I figured there might be others here with experience that could contribute some helpful pointers.

Tagging @SilverFox just for the heck of it.
 
You are a very good writer, thank you for this entertaining post. God bless you and your family.
 
Good post!

We're starting to find our way to a more natural approach to time spent together, but our biggest problem is time spent on the job! I work with my husband on occasion, but at one point, I went to work with him every day. Over time, it started to grate on the other wives, even though we were never truly alone with each other. But how do you quantify the time spent paying attention to work and paying attention to each other? And then how do you prove it to the other wives? You can't.
 
Lili said:
But how do you quantify the time spent paying attention to work and paying attention to each other? And then how do you prove it to the other wives? You can't.
Click to expand...
This can get into some really interesting territory, and is a real test for the man. To "prove it" suggests that somebody thinks you might be lying, they won't just take your word for it. That's a separate problem. But even if they take your report of how it is at work at face value, how do you deal with the apparent lack of 'fairness'? How do you value the different kinds of time spent? (Notice I said "value" and not "quantify"—some of these decisions are very subjective....) And how do you compare the security of "I know he's in the next room and I could interrupt him with a question if I needed to" versus "he's in another town and I'd better not call him unless it's something really important"? Lots to think about, and ultimately it is going to be up to the man to discern God's will and do the right thing, and then 'sell' that to the ladies as the right solution, even if somebody thinks it's not a fair solution.

Our family has been through several broad cycles of different kinds of interactions, so we have acquired that experience that says we can trust God to work everything out in the long run. Sure doesn't feel that way at first, though....
 
Our family has been through several broad cycles of different kinds of interactions, so we have acquired that experience that says we can trust God to work everything out in the long run. Sure doesn't feel that way at first, though....
Click to expand...

Andrew, we also tried various forms of 'equal time'. At first we had separate homes. That did not work. (It was an especially poor way for us, in our journey, to become closer to each other.) We ended up learning that living together was good for Ron and for ourselves. We learned to have patience and understanding and companionship. We had to, life was too short not to enjoy the journey.
It was hard, not denying it, and not until we were put into a situation in which we had no external support system, could we learn to depend on each other.
I think if we are able to look beyond what we deem as our right, i.e. we own our husband and we own all the time with him, and instead concentrate on creating a better life, like laughing more, speaking up instead of running and hiding, not letting perceived wrongs fester, and learning to be kind to each other, then we can create a home.
We have reached a point, in our lives and walk, that we enjoy each other's company. I asked Jan if we should have date nights again. She was surprised at the question. We go anytime, together or separately, with our husband. It does not matter. We share the chores in this way, if we see something that needs to be done, we do it. In the same way, if our husband wants us to go with him, wherever, we go. Most often, both of us go. Our nights are every other day, and if one wants 2 days in a row, neither complains. We want our husband to enjoy the companionship of each without jealousy from the other.
This was what Ron wanted from the beginning, and he had patience with each of us to enable us to be free to make the move to a better way of living. It was his love for each of us that encouraged us to feel safe and secure. And once secure, we were able to achieve what we have now. We give all the praise to God for our husband and his wisdom in our lives.
So we do not have to have 'equal' time. All our time is equal in our home.
 
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This is just such good stuff, all of it. Experience, resiliency, wisdom gained, wash, rinse, repeat. How I wish more people (whether they are pro or con re: PM) could see that at the end of the day, the personal growth factor indigenous to this lifestyle is off the charts, and prevailing just makes for better, stronger folks!
 
@Poodles ,
I must've read your post five times trying to comprehend HOW you got to where you are.
Granted, we've been living this for exactly twelve days--I feel like where you all are at is so far down the road that, well, I can't even see the road.

It does help, though, to be able to take a look at where your family is, and the other families who have been doing this for so long, and know what about we should look like down the road.

I WANT to be the kind of wife someday that doesn't get jealous or envious. I WANT to be the kind of wife that wouldn't get my feelings hurt over missing TWO nights in a row.

Thanks for your post. It really is inspiring. :)
 
Sonshine said:
@Poodles ,
I must've read your post five times trying to comprehend HOW you got to where you are.
Granted, we've been living this for exactly twelve days--I feel like where you all are at is so far down the road that, well, I can't even see the road.

It does help, though, to be able to take a look at where your family is, and the other families who have been doing this for so long, and know what about we should look like down the road.

I WANT to be the kind of wife someday that doesn't get jealous or envious. I WANT to be the kind of wife that wouldn't get my feelings hurt over missing TWO nights in a row.

Thanks for your post. It really is inspiring. :)
Click to expand...
Honey, you are at the beginning of this lifestyle and it will take time to learn to accept and even embrace it. You will go through times of jealousy, ( a loooong time), anger, despair, loss, and even depression. I promise you that it will get better. She also will go through this. But at the end of the day, you both love him and you want him to be happy so you pray for strength, compassion, kindness, and love. Find out where you two are alike and build on that. Share openly and speak truly when talking to her. And be kind.
Never forget how special you are to all who know you! You are loved, by God, your husband, and all of us.
Contact me when you are blue and sad, or angry and hurting. I will be there.
 
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Poodles said:
Andrew, we also tried various forms of 'equal time'. At first we had separate homes. That did not work. (It was an especially poor way for us, in our journey, to become closer to each other.) We ended up learning that living together was good for Ron and for ourselves. We learned to have patience and understanding and companionship. We had to, life was too short not to enjoy the journey.
It was hard, not denying it, and not until we were put into a situation in which we had no external support system, could we learn to depend on each other.
I think if we are able to look beyond what we deem as our right, i.e. we own our husband and we own all the time with him, and instead concentrate on creating a better life, like laughing more, speaking up instead of running and hiding, not letting perceived wrongs fester, and learning to be kind to each other, then we can create a home.
We have reached a point, in our lives and walk, that we enjoy each other's company. I asked Jan if we should have date nights again. She was surprised at the question. We go anytime, together or separately, with our husband. It does not matter. We share the chores in this way, if we see something that needs to be done, we do it. In the same way, if our husband wants us to go with him, wherever, we go. Most often, both of us go. Our nights are every other day, and if one wants 2 days in a row, neither complains. We want our husband to enjoy the companionship of each without jealousy from the other.
This was what Ron wanted from the beginning, and he had patience with each of us to enable us to be free to make the move to a better way of living. It was his love for each of us that encouraged us to feel safe and secure. And once secure, we were able to achieve what we have now. We give all the praise to God for our husband and his wisdom in our lives.
So we do not have to have 'equal' time. All our time is equal in our home.
Click to expand...

@Poodles always hits home runs. Great stuff.
 
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