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Trying to understand women

S

sun

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Male
I am a 39 year old male who has never had a girlfriend, sex and never dated in my life. I have very low self esteem and I still stay with my mother who is very controlling; she has always been like that. I am what you would call a wimpy beta male with bad social skills who struggles to talk to women and I find it quite embarrassing and I tell hardly nobody; this has always been the case. When I do try to talk to attractive women it is awkward and I sometimes scare the woman. I find it fascinating that there are men on this forum that are able to have a relationship with two or more women. I also find it even more surprising that there are women that will agree to that arrangement since I always thought that many women would not want to share a man. I don't understand the psychology of a woman that would be willing to share her husband or boyfriend.

Just want some helpful advice on what can I do to improve my situation as well as how can I learn to build social skills and relationships with women. I truly fear that I will spend the rest of my life alone.
 
Hi Sun, welcome to the site!

My first response to you is going to sound a bit confronting, but I don't mean it to be harsh, take it all in love, brother.

First question, do you have autism and/or aspergers? Don't take offence if you don't, I ask to get the best idea of who you are and why you act the way that you do.
Second question, do you have a job? How do you provide for yourself?

Assuming you have a job of some kind my advice to you is to move out of your mother's house. Forget having anything to do with women and learn how to look after yourself. A woman does not want to marry a child, she wants a man who can take care of her and the only way you're going to even begin to figure out how you would do that is by being able to function on your own first.
Is your mother going to freak out at this? Probably. You can still have a relationship with her, and can still visit and help out as much as you like. I'm going to take a guess that your mother has no one else and that's why she's been so controlling over you. Bottom line is she's probably afraid. Let her know she doesn't have to be, that you'll still be there, you just need to get out on your own and live in the real world, because as long as you are living under her roof you are not living in the real world, believe me.

I can give you advice on talking to women but there is no point until you are able to be a bachelor man. A woman is never going to want to compete with your mother, and I get the idea that that's what would happen.

Third question, how close are you to God? Get near to Him. He needs to be your guide in everything.

I am a woman and I have no problem sharing my husband. It is often the first question I get asked when people find out I think that PM is biblical. The way I see it, I currently share my husband with his job, our children, the garden, his family etc. I am not a spoiled child that needs him at my beck and call constantly. I am quite happy to share him with another woman. I cannot explain the depth of love I have for my husband. It is truly incalculable, and even just for that reason alone I want him to have another wife, simply because I want him to have that blessing. My time is stretched and I cannot give as much of myself to him as I would like. What better thing can I do but to be willing for him to have another wife to bless him? A cord of three strands is not easily broken. Three are stronger than two, a better team.
 
First question, do you have autism and/or aspergers? Don't take offence if you don't, I ask to get the best idea of who you are and why you act the way that you do.
Second question, do you have a job? How do you provide for yourself?

I don't have autism or aspergers. I believe her controlling behavior over the years has helped make me lack confidence.
Yes I have a job but the rent is very high so that is why I stay with her.

Yes she has no one else.

I believe in God.

I still wouldn't mind hearing advice from you about knowing how to talk to women.

I find it interesting that you have no problem sharing your husband. Are there more women that think like you out there? Is it the culture that conditions women to be possessive? It is always betrayed as it is being abusive for women.
 
sun said:
I don't have autism or aspergers. I believe her controlling behavior over the years has helped make me lack confidence.
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I agree.
Yes I have a job but the rent is very high so that is why I stay with her.
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I'm going to hold your hand for a little bit here, but part of figuring this all out is that you're going to have to start thinking for yourself and thinking outside the box.
Rent is high. That is one problem, and it can be fixed. Here's some options.
Move to a smaller house.
Move to a less nice neighbourhood.
How old is your mother? Does she need care? Would a nursing home be appropriate?
Move into a flat with other people so you can share costs.
Move to a smaller town, across the country if you have to.
Move in with workmates.
Move further away from work and commute.
Find another job that pays more.
Help your mother find a job that pays more so she can cover her own rent.
Get a second, third, fourth job if needed.
House sit.
Yes she has no one else.
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That will be why she holds on to you so strongly. She is afraid and she is lonely. She is taking this out on you. It is not your problem. You have given her 39 years of your life. If she has not figured out how to have friends and find help from people that are not you in that time then the problems are hers. You are going to have to draw a line, a very firm one.
I believe in God.
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Excellent! But are you following Him? They are two very different things.
I still wouldn't mind hearing advice from you about knowing how to talk to women.
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One step at a time.
I find it interesting that you have no problem sharing your husband. Are there more women that think like you out there? Is it the culture that conditions women to be possessive? It is always betrayed as it is being abusive for women.
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Yes, there are many of us out there. Unfortunately there are many that start out as being positive towards PM, but then are led astray by well meaning family, friends, and false teachers. There are risks involved in just having this belief, but abuse is not one of them. The risk of having an abusive husband is less in PM as a woman can see how a man is treating the first wife before she gets involved.
The greatest risk I see is being shut off. We were kicked out of our church merely for the belief, we have not put it into practice yet. We had many arguments and heated discussions with family. For some those costs are too great.
 
sun said:
I believe her controlling behavior over the years has helped make me lack confidence.
Yes I have a job but the rent is very high so that is why I stay with her.
Yes she has no one else.
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I think the underlying point Sarah is trying to get at is that you need to be the master of your own life. It's very good to help your mother, particularly if she has nobody else to do so. But, you still need to be the master of your own life.

Think about the psychological difference between these two situations:
1) "I cannot afford to live on my own, so I live with my elderly mother."
2) "I have my own job and rent or own my own home. However my elderly mother needs my support, so I allow her to live with me."

How does each look to a woman?
1 = you're incapable of even supporting yourself, certainly couldn't support a wife as well, not worth even considering.
2 = you're so successful and generous that you even support your lonely mother, you'd be well able to support a wife, maybe I should get to know you better.

This is why Sarah isn't telling you how to talk to a woman, but rather how to change your own life to make yourself better husband material. If you'll obviously make a good husband, God will bring the right woman along in His time. But if you're not ready to be a husband yet, however good you are at talking, He won't bring her along, because you're not ready for her.

You need to be your own master. If your mother has been controlling you all your life, you will never be able to break out of that and become your own master without moving out of her home. She needs to learn that you are your own boss now. I well remember my own mother ringing me a year after I had left home, and me telling her I was going on a 7 hour drive that weekend to a concert. She said "I don't think that's a good idea, but, I suppose we will let you go... Actually I don't suppose we can stop you can we?". To which I said "No"! That was her coming to grips with the fact that I was now the master of my own life. It is a big change for a mother. And the longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be for her. But it is a change that must happen, one way or another. Because until you can run your own life, no woman will be interested in you.
 
Here's the deal. If you put on some nice clothes, faked some confidence, and said some nice words, you *might* "trick" a girl into going out with you. But as FH2 has said, until you make some major changes in your life, what you have to offer a woman won't back up anything you can say. That doesn't even take into account whether you are physically attractive or not.


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To illustrate it another way:

If you want lots of people to try your new product, you need an attractive marketing campaign. If you want someone to use your product daily and keep buying more, you need a good product.

If you want a string of one-night-stands, you need to know how to talk to women. If you want a wife, you need to be the sort of man a woman would want to seek out herself.

Most of this "alpha male" / "beta male" stuff is written by guys looking for casual sex, not marriage, so take it with a grain of salt.
 
Attitude. Outlook. Mindset. These are the tools every great man has taken the time to develop, shape, and master. These 3 make a great,
Man of God.
Attractive man.
Thrifty man.
Family man.
Leader of those around you.
Husband.

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FollowingHim said:
To illustrate it another way:

If you want lots of people to try your new product, you need an attractive marketing campaign. If you want someone to use your product daily and keep buying more, you need a good product.

If you want a string of one-night-stands, you need to know how to talk to women. If you want a wife, you need to be the sort of man a woman would want to seek out herself.

Most of this "alpha male" / "beta male" stuff is written by guys looking for casual sex, not marriage, so take it with a grain of salt.
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This will sound harsh, but some women are willing to share what they have with others.
They may feel that they have found a great guy and know that great guys are in short supply nowadays.

Going by the stats, I would recommend that no one make the decision with the hope of any type of gain outside of personal growth.
 
In cultures where polygamy is the norm, a woman will be willing to share simply because she always expected to and therefore has no problem with it, and sees the real practical benefits of having a second woman to grow crops, grind flour etc. with her. But that's not the situation most of us live in.

In the West, as Steve said, an extremely rarely generous woman with an exceptionally trustworthy husband may be willing to generously share him with another woman.

To apply this: Don't run before you can walk. Ignore polygamy. Try to find one wife. Expect she'll always be your only wife. Put everything you have into being the best husband you can be. If YHWH intends you to have more than one wife, He will bless you with a first wife who is willing to share you, teach you the skills you need to be a good husband to two through your monogamous marriage, and bring along a second wife in the right timing (probably many years later). If you're not up to it, He'll give you a wife who would never be willing to share and encourage you to focus on other things.
 
sun said:
Just would like more explanations about why women willingly choosing polygamy? Would like more insights into the psychology of why. Do some women like the idea of having a sister wife? What about feelings of jealousy?

http://www.experienceproject.com/questi ... his/707062
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If you want to search for random discussions on the internet about this, then you're going to find a lot of hateful, un-educated, and close minded people, or those that are into it just for sex. Which is exactly what you see on that article.

In regards to why we want to do it, I have already responded to this but I will expand a little. The thing is, it all comes back to trust. There can be fear and issues with sharing, and jealousy, but it all boils down to trust.
I have no problems with sharing. I really don't. Oh I'm sure there'll be issues when the time arises. I'm sure we'll argue and discuss how I'm not getting enough time etc, but they're things that can be weighed and discussed and changed if needed. When it boils down to it, it's the concept of it that scares most women. And I trust that Samuel will sort it out. I trust that as adults we can deal with any situation and work through it.
I see value in the lifestyle, for many reasons. Some of which I am probably wrong and will find that out. That's ok, I'm willing to learn. And learn I will, and grow, and aren't those the best reasons for doing anything?

You see, I trust YHWH completely. I have known for about 4 1/2 years now that His plan is for Samuel to have a second wife. If that is His plan, then it's for good. It will give another woman a loving family and a wonderful husband. It will give my husband extra blessings and teach him to be able to deal with situations he hasn't before, therefore increasing wisdom. It will teach me, mould me, shape me, help me to grow big and strong and the kind of woman that YHWH wants me to be. Whenever something is YHWH's will I will do it. I will follow Him no matter what, even when it hurts. I am stubborn like that :-).

There is something after reading that discussion you posted that I feel I need to address. It's not about sex. Sure, hubby will be getting more sex, good for him, but it will be with separate women in separate beds, and if any guy is only going into polygyny for sex then he's going to have a huge wake up call. There are 24 hours in a day and most of those are not having sex. You don't get a first wife just for that, so you don't get a second or third for that either.
 
So much of your question is predicated on the false premises of modern marriage anyway. The idea that marriage is about fulfilling needs and validating individuals is the first falsehood that one needs to throw away when trying to craft a biblical marriage, whether monogamous or polygynous.

The next thing to remember is that woman was created for the man, not man for the woman. When you switch the starting point and some of the assumptions to God's truth, then it starts making more sense.
 
About 13 years ago I found myself sharing my husband. I can honestly say that as a second wife I never once even thought about jealousy. It was an honor and a privilege and great joy to be in that situation. That doesn't mean it was any easier to get along with my husband than is typical, but getting along with her was a piece of cake. We NEVER fought and we never exchanged harsh words.
Another side to this is that a man willing to take on another wife and children is much more attractive to me than a man whose asperations are a bit narrower. I am a lot more attracted to my husband as a polygamist than I am attracted to him as a man only interested in me. My husband and I sharing this together makes great chemistry.
13 years ago I studied some old Mormon literature on polygyny written back when Joseph Smith and his immediate predecessors instituted it into the Mormon religion. I remember holding in my hands several volumes that are not part of today's accepted study material in that denomination. I remember reading there what an honor, privilege and most of all a growing experience that could prepare women for heaven and more Christlike character here on this earth as well. I believed every word of that and feel it was very easy to live. Well, I still believe it and I am not like Christ by long shot, so I believe polygyny is the answer He has provided for me. Praise the Lord!

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FascinatingLady said:
About 13 years ago I found myself sharing my husband. I can honestly say that as a second wife I never once even thought about jealousy. It was an honor and a privilege and great joy to be in that situation. That doesn't mean it was any easier to get along with my husband than is typical, but getting along with her was a piece of cake. We NEVER fought and we never exchanged harsh words.
Another side to this is that a man willing to take on another wife and children is much more attractive to me than a man whose asperations are a bit narrower. I am a lot more attracted to my husband as a polygamist than I am attracted to him as a man only interested in me. My husband and I sharing this together makes great chemistry.
13 years ago I studied some old Mormon literature on polygyny written back when Joseph Smith and his immediate predecessors instituted it into the Mormon religion. I remember holding in my hands several volumes that are not part of today's accepted study material in that denomination. I remember reading there what an honor, privilege and most of all a growing experience that could prepare women for heaven and more Christlike character here on this earth as well. I believed every word of that and feel it was very easy to live. Well, I still believe it and I am not like Christ by long shot, so I believe polygyny is the answer He has provided for me. Praise the Lord!

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Thank you for your response. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/th ... t-polygamy
 
I think they are by Brigham Young. They are supposedly locked and guarded in a library in Utah and only accessible to higher ups in the LDS church. Somehow an individual infiltrated and published them by secret copying either with a machine in the library or a digital camera. This individual then became known as the prophet of the church of the firstborn. So most likely the members keep pretty close guard on those books. I don't remember the titles, just that there were at least 4 volumes. I hardly had time to read much of it, but I am sure there is a lot of mumbo jumbo about the eternal rewards to all polygamists and how they are becoming gods.

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