• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

We jumped the gun, what now?

S

ServantofGod

New Member
Hello all,

My journey of plural marriage began four years ago. Being raised Baptist I had always been taught that it was a sin and never questioned it, even though I knew it was Biblical. I was happily married and my first wife had just given birth to our first born. Then a few months later it happened! I fell deeply in love with a young woman from our church. We tried to put a stop to it saying "it was wrong because I was married," but it never felt wrong. Not being able to give up our love, we kept our relationship a secret as long as we could. Then my wife found out and long story short, we separated for almost a year and I quit church. At the same time, my secret love was "shunned" by our church and forbidden to have any contact with me by the church and her parents, since she still lived with them. She met with my wife several times, seeking forgiveness. They were on good terms for a moment, then my wife started treating her very harshly. We eventually reconnected and it was as if we never stopped talking. However we did constantly battle what we had been taught our whole lives. We eventually called it quits. I reconciled with my wife while she unsuccessfully dated others, yet we could never break contact. We could never deny our love for each other. Three children later with my first wife and we are still deeply in love, so the subject of plural marriage was mentioned. We studied and prayed on the situation and decided to marry. We've been secretly married for almost five months and are having trouble living separate. We've talked and want to live as one family. I am now regretting the way we handled the situation. My first wife and I have discussed plural marriage and even though she agrees it is Biblical, she won't give up what she's believed her whole life and mentions divorce if I want a plural marriage. Yet she loves the show Sister Wives and actually introduced me to it, it has helped to break some boundries so I am hopeful. Also on separate occasions she has confided in me that she regrets the way she treaten my now seconomic wife. She wants to "bury the hatchet," but doesn't want to randomly contact her as we attend different churches now. I do want them to have a good relationship with each other and wish that came before the second marriage. I have been praying for the Lord to work everything out for us all and to soften my first wife's heart to plural marriage. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.
 
Yikes! Well, first off I've never found myself in a similar situation, so I hope someone with some more directly applicable experience will be able to offer advice and testimony.

Personally, I don't see an easy and smooth transition here. Not saying you guys *can't* work through this and become one big happy family, but I don't see it being the easy button. I'd start by telling the secret wife that you are going to inform the unsuspecting wife, and to be prepared for any confrontations that may arise from this revelation.

Then, I would sit down with the unsuspecting wife and with much patience and gentleness tell her. I would recommend not glossing over it by saying "we want to be together" or pretending the relationship has not been going on in secret. That will just make it worse later. No, taking a second wife isn't wrong, but I would argue that doing so in secret is a big betrayal of trust to the wife of your youth, especially considering your extra-marital history with the secret wife. You must be prepared for the possibility that your unsuspecting wife will leave you, at least temporarily. However, I feel strongly that despite that possibility it would be best to proceed with telling her. Otherwise when (not if) she finds out, and she will, it will be worse, especially if the knowledge comes from another source. It will be better coming from you (I'd *highly* suggest not having the secret wife with you for the conversation), and with the background of talking about PM that you've presented I feel there is at least a fairly high probability that you guys can work through this and come to a place of accord with each other and with the secret wife. Even if you cannot, and she does leave you, at least you won't be living a lie, which has got to be tearing you up.
Again, please please please use much patience and love with the unsuspecting wife when you tell her, and as she processes through it. We'll be here to offer whatever support we can through it.
 
Alright brother. I don't know your heart or your thoughts and I made some of these mistakes myself and it led to a cataclysm that destroyed my life and many relationships. So some of what you're about to hear may be me talking to myself. Please give me some leeway to let my emotions bleed through.

On one hand no individual action you have taken was wrong in and of itself. As a Christian man you have every right to an additional wife and while there is a little debate in this area the general consensus is that you don't have to have the first wife's approval, although I don't know anyone who recommends that path. Unfortunately that is the path you have chosen. You have declared both women your wife and there can be little debate about it. While the second woman's father could have nullified the relationship the first time around, and it sounds like he did, there doesn't appear to be such a mechanism once she is no longer a virgin.

This isn't an academic question because if you are married to both of them in God's eyes then you can't leave either one of them unless they commit adultery and you have a hard heart.

In the ancient world this would have been easily solvable, you tell the first wife to lump or like it and everyone gets on with it. You don't live in that world. You first wife has the power to leave (even though it would be adultery in God's eyes) and make your life miserable in the process. All the more so because she will have control of the children if she chooses to.

So you need to look at some things with a very clear head. First off, your first wife feels like she has a marriage contract that guarantees her exclusivity. You may have even made such a contract with some poorly worded marriage vows. She will feel betrayed. Considering how the second marriage has been conducted, I suspect that there has been significant deceit that will only feed her outrage. Second off, there is an enemy of your soul that yearns to destroy your marriage because it will hurt so many people and discredit Biblical marriage in general. He wants to destroy you personally because you dared to study God's Word honestly and tried to fill your God ordained role as a man. So strap in, the forces of Hell are about to be marshalled against you. And he will attack your fist wife relentlessly. She is the battlefield. Remember that. Your first wife is not the enemy. She is the battlefield. She is about to be churned into a muddy mess by a war she did not start.

Thirdly, you have to humble yourself before God. When I made these "mistakes" I was just learning about Biblical marriage. I used the concepts and Scriptures to pursue some very fleshly desires. I believe very strongly that much of the mayhem that followed was a result of God abandoning me to my fate because I twisted His Word to my ends. You have to understand that even if all of your individual actions were justifiable in and of themselves, this course of action was undertaken in pursuit of desires you were unwilling to deny. That is almost always sinful. I'm not trying to be harsh here brother. You said multiple times that you were "unwilling to deny our love." Your wording suggests that you realize that your actions were not unscriptural but your desires were not in submission to God. I am prone to shooting off at the mouth and jumping to conclusions so if I have done that this time please forgive me.

But your question was not "Who will beat me up with my words?", your question was "What now?" Well you don't want to do what I did. I went through 4 years of misery. I lost my wife, my children, my house. I lost most of my friends and was kicked out of my church. I lost my mind for a while and descended into drink and debauchery and even ended up in jail. I had to start everything over and I am still decades away from cleaning up the last of the mess, if I ever will.

If I could have done anything differently, other than not misusing Scripture, I would have acted very differently towards my wife. I would have approached her confidently, without any double mindedness. I would not have let her know how much her approval meant. I would not have apologized until much later when I was sure my admission of guilt wouldn't have reinforced the anger and bitterness that was washing over her in waves. I would not have pursued her as relentlessly as I did. It only drove her farther away until there was no way for her to get back.

Its possible she may leave you. There may be no fixing this. Certainly in the short term there is very little chance that you will avoid conflict and turmoil. Your goal may have to be simply to keep the door open to reconciliation and not letting long term bitterness and anger take root. You will definitely need the wisdom and guidance of the Lord.

There are some concrete actions you can take. You have to talk to the second wife and make sure she is on board for whatever happens. There have been more than a few men who have been blindsided by the second wife leaving when she realized the first wife was staying. It would be pointless to do this to your first wife a second time if the second wife is not going stay. The second wife has to realize that she accepted this situation as it is. She accepted the status quo. The first wife is the one who is having her world ripped apart. The second wife has to be ready to subvert herself to the healing of your first marriage. She has to be willing to be patient.

And when you tell your first wife, do not run off and leave her alone. Stay there and let her rage. Don't fight. Don't engage, but let the storm vent itself. I don't know if any of that helps or even makes sense. There is hope. I never reconciled with my first wife but I later married a Godly woman who is fully accepting of Biblical marriage but I may never be able to take on a second wife because of the financial burdens of child support, four lost years and the emotional trauma so many people have already gone through. God can restore the years that the locust have eaten and all things work to the good for them that love the Lord. That doesn't mean that all things are good, or that all things will turn out good, but good will come out of it eventually.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk. I'm praying for you and your family.
 
Oh dear, congratulations , oh dear , this could be painful.
It's less than ideal but yes..how do you proceed from here?
These are my thoughts
It would seem you have passed on the theory class and skipped straight to the practical exam.
To get through you are all going to need some help and so will your wives.
Time to find a friend (pm a moderator they might know someone close that can talk )
(I wouldn't recommend The institute of Church for support )

Who are you? This is a question to think on.
I mean what type of man do you want to be for your family?
Is it all about you or do you have a bigger plan?

You are the patriarch of your family. The man... Now start behaving like it.
Knowing this changes the way you live

True Intimacy is about being venerable and honest regardless of others reactions
Time to start being honest with those that matter.
While you are at being honest don't play the victim because you aren't one
Pray . Pray . Pray
If you love them don't give up

I'm somewhat envious of the opportunity you have But concerned at the jeopardy you have placed your family in due to poor planning and low self control.

How will wife 1 and 2 know they can trust you if prospect three comes along?
There will be many hard questions to answer
I have mixed emotions about this and wonder if there's more to it
I hope you have success in this situation
Will be praying
R
 
ServantofGod said:
I do want them to have a good relationship with each other
Click to expand...
That, in a sense, is the cause of your trouble. The "one big, happy family" model has its limits and is not for everyone.

Continue to look after the needs of each wife and you will be fine.

Be attentive; don't cause upset with much talk.

The sign of success is not that your women are close to each other but that they are close to you and safe in your care.

If they get along, that's gravy.
 
Wise words Mystic... I would agree that a husbands role in ministering to his wife ("husbands love your wives") actually defuses, heals, restores, builds trust, comforts and so on and so on!!!
 
Good advice so far here. Especially about loving them. Should go without saying, right? Be persistent and tireless about it. Make yourself into a man that can give all the love two women need, and you better be able to actually do it because you're already in it now. Come clean to your wives, and take this head on. Be strong enough to weather the storm that's coming, because that's the kind of man that's strong enough to handle two wives. You can do this, and you have to, because they are both your wives now. Society won't support you, so you have to be firm in your own commitment and hold on with everything you've got. My own situation wasn't vastly different than yours not too long ago. PM me if you would like to. I'll be praying for you.
 
Thank you all for the advice, input, and prayer. It has all been very helpful and also challenged me to become a better man of God and husband. I am new here so feel free to pm me any extra advice or suggestions.
 
I agree that wise council has been given. The only thing I might add is to be cautious in your timing. The holidays can be a stressful time to begin with and make the emotional responses even worse. I will also be praying for you and yours.
 
I was the second wife in a very similar situation. I endured it for 8 years and now, although both the first wife and I have separated from the man involved, we are very good friends. Amazing how that works out.

Sweet Lissa
 
Any further update a couple of months down the track?

You've got yourself in quite a mess, if you haven't already done so the sooner you come clean the better. You've been hiding a lot from your first wife. Is there anything you've been hiding from the second?

If you still don't know the words to say, just say it anyway. You're never going to find the "right" words that are going to make wife 1 happy. She's going to be mad as hell however you say it. You've still got to come clean.

If the words are still a concern, write it all down first. As succinctly as possible, so you can get as much information as possible before the shouting starts. Don't just dump her with a letter, be a man and tell it to her face, but have the letter available also. Refer to it to keep the discussion on track (if possible). Let her keep it. Photocopy it first so you've got a backup to give her if she tears up the first unread...

And if there's anything you need to come clean on to wife 2, maybe put it in the same letter. Maybe write a single letter to the both of them, with everything they both need to know all in one place, so there is no longer any deceit from you to either of them.

It's going to be a horrible mess (if you haven't already done it), but that can't be avoided. God can get you all through it, eventually. But the longer you delay the bigger the mess will be and the longer it will take to heal.
 
I'm quite convinced that plural marriage is God's design. I also am inclined to believe that Father God leads some men into it, more than others. The reason I say this, is to encourage you not to feel conflicted or guilty about loving more than one woman. But you NEED the Holy Spirit's wisdom and leading in dealing with each wife/woman, so as not to stumble them. Even though man is the head of the house, he must also have a servant's heart, which means that we care about the well being of others. I pray that God will give you the grace and anointing to minister to the needs of your wives, while not compromising what God has called you to. Father God - help my brother.
 
ServantofGod said:
Hello all,

My journey of plural marriage began four years ago. Being raised Baptist I had always been taught that it was a sin and never questioned it, even though I knew it was Biblical. I was happily married and my first wife had just given birth to our first born. Then a few months later it happened! I fell deeply in love with a young woman from our church. We tried to put a stop to it saying "it was wrong because I was married," but it never felt wrong. Not being able to give up our love, we kept our relationship a secret as long as we could. Then my wife found out and long story short, we separated for almost a year and I quit church. At the same time, my secret love was "shunned" by our church and forbidden to have any contact with me by the church and her parents, since she still lived with them. She met with my wife several times, seeking forgiveness. They were on good terms for a moment, then my wife started treating her very harshly. We eventually reconnected and it was as if we never stopped talking. However we did constantly battle what we had been taught our whole lives. We eventually called it quits. I reconciled with my wife while she unsuccessfully dated others, yet we could never break contact. We could never deny our love for each other. Three children later with my first wife and we are still deeply in love, so the subject of plural marriage was mentioned. We studied and prayed on the situation and decided to marry. We've been secretly married for almost five months and are having trouble living separate. We've talked and want to live as one family. I am now regretting the way we handled the situation. My first wife and I have discussed plural marriage and even though she agrees it is Biblical, she won't give up what she's believed her whole life and mentions divorce if I want a plural marriage. Yet she loves the show Sister Wives and actually introduced me to it, it has helped to break some boundries so I am hopeful. Also on separate occasions she has confided in me that she regrets the way she treaten my now seconomic wife. She wants to "bury the hatchet," but doesn't want to randomly contact her as we attend different churches now. I do want them to have a good relationship with each other and wish that came before the second marriage. I have been praying for the Lord to work everything out for us all and to soften my first wife's heart to plural marriage. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.
Click to expand...
All you can do is let scripture been what talks to her the first mistake because you shouldn't never done anything with the other woman and to you first had discussed and prayed with your first wife . Is your first wife submissive to you . Married a woman who does not have a submissive heart to her husband is usually a precursor to disastrous times in the future . And as far as the church church is not the denomination church is not the religion your walk with Christ is the most important thing and that's the only one you need to be considering being joined with .
 
ZecAustin said:
Alright brother. I don't know your heart or your thoughts and I made some of these mistakes myself and it led to a cataclysm that destroyed my life and many relationships. So some of what you're about to hear may be me talking to myself. Please give me some leeway to let my emotions bleed through.

On one hand no individual action you have taken was wrong in and of itself. As a Christian man you have every right to an additional wife and while there is a little debate in this area the general consensus is that you don't have to have the first wife's approval, although I don't know anyone who recommends that path. Unfortunately that is the path you have chosen. You have declared both women your wife and there can be little debate about it. While the second woman's father could have nullified the relationship the first time around, and it sounds like he did, there doesn't appear to be such a mechanism once she is no longer a virgin.

This isn't an academic question because if you are married to both of them in God's eyes then you can't leave either one of them unless they commit adultery and you have a hard heart.

In the ancient world this would have been easily solvable, you tell the first wife to lump or like it and everyone gets on with it. You don't live in that world. You first wife has the power to leave (even though it would be adultery in God's eyes) and make your life miserable in the process. All the more so because she will have control of the children if she chooses to.

So you need to look at some things with a very clear head. First off, your first wife feels like she has a marriage contract that guarantees her exclusivity. You may have even made such a contract with some poorly worded marriage vows. She will feel betrayed. Considering how the second marriage has been conducted, I suspect that there has been significant deceit that will only feed her outrage. Second off, there is an enemy of your soul that yearns to destroy your marriage because it will hurt so many people and discredit Biblical marriage in general. He wants to destroy you personally because you dared to study God's Word honestly and tried to fill your God ordained role as a man. So strap in, the forces of Hell are about to be marshalled against you. And he will attack your fist wife relentlessly. She is the battlefield. Remember that. Your first wife is not the enemy. She is the battlefield. She is about to be churned into a muddy mess by a war she did not start.

Thirdly, you have to humble yourself before God. When I made these "mistakes" I was just learning about Biblical marriage. I used the concepts and Scriptures to pursue some very fleshly desires. I believe very strongly that much of the mayhem that followed was a result of God abandoning me to my fate because I twisted His Word to my ends. You have to understand that even if all of your individual actions were justifiable in and of themselves, this course of action was undertaken in pursuit of desires you were unwilling to deny. That is almost always sinful. I'm not trying to be harsh here brother. You said multiple times that you were "unwilling to deny our love." Your wording suggests that you realize that your actions were not unscriptural but your desires were not in submission to God. I am prone to shooting off at the mouth and jumping to conclusions so if I have done that this time please forgive me.

But your question was not "Who will beat me up with my words?", your question was "What now?" Well you don't want to do what I did. I went through 4 years of misery. I lost my wife, my children, my house. I lost most of my friends and was kicked out of my church. I lost my mind for a while and descended into drink and debauchery and even ended up in jail. I had to start everything over and I am still decades away from cleaning up the last of the mess, if I ever will.

If I could have done anything differently, other than not misusing Scripture, I would have acted very differently towards my wife. I would have approached her confidently, without any double mindedness. I would not have let her know how much her approval meant. I would not have apologized until much later when I was sure my admission of guilt wouldn't have reinforced the anger and bitterness that was washing over her in waves. I would not have pursued her as relentlessly as I did. It only drove her farther away until there was no way for her to get back.

Its possible she may leave you. There may be no fixing this. Certainly in the short term there is very little chance that you will avoid conflict and turmoil. Your goal may have to be simply to keep the door open to reconciliation and not letting long term bitterness and anger take root. You will definitely need the wisdom and guidance of the Lord.

There are some concrete actions you can take. You have to talk to the second wife and make sure she is on board for whatever happens. There have been more than a few men who have been blindsided by the second wife leaving when she realized the first wife was staying. It would be pointless to do this to your first wife a second time if the second wife is not going stay. The second wife has to realize that she accepted this situation as it is. She accepted the status quo. The first wife is the one who is having her world ripped apart. The second wife has to be ready to subvert herself to the healing of your first marriage. She has to be willing to be patient.

And when you tell your first wife, do not run off and leave her alone. Stay there and let her rage. Don't fight. Don't engage, but let the storm vent itself. I don't know if any of that helps or even makes sense. There is hope. I never reconciled with my first wife but I later married a Godly woman who is fully accepting of Biblical marriage but I may never be able to take on a second wife because of the financial burdens of child support, four lost years and the emotional trauma so many people have already gone through. God can restore the years that the locust have eaten and all things work to the good for them that love the Lord. That doesn't mean that all things are good, or that all things will turn out good, but good will come out of it eventually.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk. I'm praying for you and your family.
Click to expand...
AAMMEENN! I too have made way too many mistakes in applying Biblical marriage. Even in spite of the mistakes, for all that one may apply correctly, it can still end up wrong. To be "curt," most women are naturally schemers and are fickle. My first wife had studied, believed, and claimed to fully accept Biblical marriage. NOT! As soon as I then took a second wife, she "fickled." We are now living separate lives, but I am always hoping for Biblical reconciliation. After reading these posts on taking a second wife, talking with practicing PM, I have notice many similarities in what works, mistakes, pitfalls, and what does not work. It might be good too (at a retreat) to sit down (husbands and wives) and try to put down in writing what works and what doesn't.
 
Last edited:
Guys, the subject of a "manual" comes up several times a year, but as they say, "if it were easy, someone else would have already done it". I've personally started and shelved two books, and am thinking maybe in 5-10 years I'll have what I need to write something useful.

The problem is that right now we don't have the data. Too many blown families and not enough successful ones. Not enough data points to really identify any useful formulae.

And then there's this: Maybe there's not a formula. Maybe there's something wrong with our culture that suggests that somewhere there's an owners manual or a cookbook or assembly instructions that we can just follow point by point and get desirable results.

Among successful husbands I know, a common testimony is that following God into this lifestyle has made us more dependent on Him, as we work out our own salvation with fear and trembling.

What if part of what God is trying to restore in our time is personal relationships? Guys who are stronger and more independent in their personal walks because they have a stronger personal relationship with God, who come together as brothers to help each other, and are available to the next generation as counselors and mentors?

Note that this also includes personal responsibility. If I tell you at a retreat or on the phone something I think will help, and then you try it and it backfires, then we're going to talk about that and figure out a new plan together. It's a relationship.

So I have two suggestions:

If you want a manual, here's my version:
  1. Spend more time with God than you are spending now.
  2. When you are confident of His will for your life, take action.
  3. Until you are confident, keep spending more time than you've been spending.
If you are willing to try this as a pioneer, don't look for a manual, look for a mentor.
 
Bonus points: The word "confident" literally means "with faith" (from its Latin etymological roots). Your confidence is your faith; your faith is your confidence.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top