What if one day my daughter wants to be a second wife?

Discussion in 'Family Issues' started by Kevin, Dec 14, 2017.

  1. Kevin

    Kevin Esteemed Member Male

    This is something if been thinking and praying about lately. Some of you know I am a fan of arranged marriages. I guess that comes from my need to control the situation. My daughter's happiness is extremely important to me. I have years before this even becomes an Issue , she's only 10, but everyday I hear her talk about when she's gets married and has a family she is going to do this or its going to be that way with her kids. She wants to get married when she's 18. Its got me thinking about alot of things. What kind of man do I hope she marries? Does age matter? What if she wants to be a plural wife?

    I'll start with age. Does it matter? In short, to me Yes, but probably not for the reasons others think. This might sound strange to some of yall, but I don't want my daughter to marry an 18 year or so boy. I would prefer she married a man in his mid 20s to early 30s. Some one who has grown up. Set aside childish things. I believe this because someone has to have the maturity in the releastionship. As head of the house it should be him. I know age doesn't always equal maturity. Sometimes we attribute maturity to those who don't have it because of age or deny it because of youth. Would I be ok with her marring someone 18 or much older than I prefer?

    What if one day my daughter wants to become a plural wife? This really started to twist on me. I believe in Polygyny. I my self am willing to marry another woman. Why then was my knee jerk reaction to the thought be no way? It's because of cultral programing. I had to really question my beleifs and motives for myself about being willing to take a second wife. Any woman I brought into my family would be someone's daughter. Why would it be ok for someone else's daughter and not my own? This is what has come to me after a few weeks of prayer. It shouldn't matter to me. If he loves her, can see to her spiritual needs, treats her with respect and providers her with opportunity to flourish in life there's nothing more I could ask for. Plus I could get a glimpse of her future and how she would be treated by looking at his marriage. If his motivation is love then there is no greater one.

    What kind of man do I hope she marries? Hopefully I've done my job well enough that she will except nothing less than a G-d fearing man who has the courage to practice what he preaches. A man who has the convictions to make the right decisions in the tough situations. A man worthy of her trust, knows the diffrence between being a boy and a man, and understands the value of a good Christian woman. Does age matter? Would I be ok with her marring someone 18 or much older than I prefer? No, age doesn't matter. It's not about age it's about his maturity. Would I be ok with her becoming a plural wife? It depends on the character of the man. I know when she marries she leaves my covering for his. This does not mean she's no longer my family. It means he and his are now mine aswell. If he is the type of man that I would accept as a member of my family then I would give my blessing. If he lacked the strength of character to be a good husband or was someone I wouldn't want my family to be associated with I would with hold my blessing and council her against the marriage.
  2. Quartus

    Quartus Well-Known Member Male

    Agreed. PM allows every sister to choose a good brother for her head and I would want that option for a daughter of mine, and not see her marry an unbeliever.
    1Pe 1:16 Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.
  3. andrew

    andrew Administrator Staff Member Male

    Very well stated, Kevin.
    Kevin likes this.
  4. Mojo

    Mojo Esteemed Member Male

    Wanting to control the situation via arranged marriages is not a bad thing. They are our children. Wanting what's best for them, especially since we know that emotions will definitely cloud their brains, is a good thing.

    Your daughter will always be your daughter. She won't necessarily always be someone's wife (divorce, widowed).

    The trick is learning how to give up impulses to control AFTER they are married. My kids are not marrying age yet, so I can't counsel on that.

    Maturity is key. In the wild, the young bucks know their role and have to learn to be patient while waiting to reach full maturity and strength to mate.

    In times past, it wasn't unusual to have a good age difference between groom and bride. No responsible father would dare let his daughter marry a young, irresponsible fool.
  5. Flutterbug

    Flutterbug New Member Female

    Hi , I have a Quick Maybe Silly Q. For you. What if The Man Has Never Thought or Been Introduced to Poly ? Until the Point you learned this about this Possible Man . You Truly Felt ( As well as your Daughter and The Man ) That He Was and Will Make An Amazing Husband . Would you Be Willing to Visit with this Possible Husband about it ? AND Just Simple Curiosity sake , What IF The Concept was Totally Foreign for him ? But He Was this Amazing Guy that you Truly Want to give your Blessings to .
    Would you Be able to give said Man your Blessings and Pray and Teach by Example This way of life in True Heartful Hope and Prayer that one Day he Would come to the Knowledge in this Way of Life ?'or Would you Rather Ask your Daughter to "Settle" for a Man in your and Her Eyes is Lesser of a Man but he does live Poly ?
    I am Truly Asking as I have 3 Much Older Son's That Basically were Not Taught about Poly life in Flesh but Only In Spiritual Poly. So They Truly Do Not Grasp it.. I am Also.Wondering at This Could be a Potential Situation for either all 3 Of my Son's or One of them. And would love to understand The Difference Situations they may find.
    So it Helps me to understand In what way should I Encourage them . Like if I Should Push for them just to Except it or Support them in there Life Experiences and Journey and Then Just Encourage them to Pray and Read Scriptures and Listen to the Spirit and ask ask ask what is correct for his Hopeful Soon to be Bride and Start of There Family and Support there Choices .I know I am Putting this maybe way to "Basic" lol. I always believe and Teach My Family that there is ONLY 1 Dumb Question in the World. Its the Un-Asked Question ! IS The Only Dumb or Stupid Q. In this World.
    So I hope that I put my post Easy to Understand ? Sometimes I make my Posts To Simple . Sorry if that is what I just did .. Anyway I am Truly Wondering what your or anyones Response would be Truly Appreciated .
    Thanks !
    JessicaP and Kevin like this.
  6. Verifyveritas76

    Verifyveritas76 Moderator Staff Member Male

    One of the themes I am trying to emphasize to my son is the Biblical concept of marriage as contrasted with the Roman(ticized) concept of marriage.

    For me it doesnt matter whether he is married to one or several, I just want to make sure that his foundation is based on a Biblical model so that he is more precise in his covenant promises and the framework that he establishes for his first wife. In my perspective, the Biblical model is best understood as a trust where the Father is the grantor, the husband is the trustee #1, the beneficiaries are the children and the 1st trustee can appoint additional trustee’s as necessary.

    @Flutterbug, if you can teach or discus the framework and the model first, your sons might be receptive, rather than beginning with the duplication/multiplication of the model. After all, the model is the same for the first whether or not they ever have a second or third. The big difference is that the Romantic model is not duplicate able while the Biblical is.
    Kevin, andrew, cnystrom and 1 other person like this.
  7. Kevin

    Kevin Esteemed Member Male

    I would never ask my daughter to settle for a lesser man. It doesn't matter if he believes that Polygyny or Monogomy is right for him as long as he understands there's nothing in scripture that forbids Polygyny. In the case of trying to convince a man that Polygyny is right so that he would marry my daughter. I'm not sure I would try and push my daughter to someone I had to convince it was ok to marry my daughter. Now if my daughter was to pursue him that would be a diffrent story as long as he was a man I would accept into my family I would step in if she asked me to.

    In the case of your sons I think it would be good to listen to @Verifyveritas76 about trying to emphasize to them the diffrence between the Biblical concept of marriage and the Roman(ticized) concept of marriage and take a look at the trust model.
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2017
  8. Quartus

    Quartus Well-Known Member Male

    @Flutterbug thanks for your question and I think it is entirely relevant to project theory into practice by thinking about What-If situations. I can't begin to imagine the mess we'd all get into if we never did that!

    However, I think this is the sort of situation which would vary enormously on the individuals involved. I think I would start in a different place, with your own children, not anyone else's.

    I quoted God saying "be ye holy for I am holy" above. When I looked up the reference, I was surprised how often it comes. Monogamists end up divorcing and daughters marrying out of the truth, and that is not being holy at all.

    Look at the length of different parts of Genesis. In
    11 chapters we have the Creation, the Flood, and the call of Abraham which is reckoned at about 1600 years. Then we have
    11 chapters just on the time Abraham was married to Sarah
    and a lot more on the way his family developed, and his family were polygamists.

    No other marriage in Scripture gets the same attention as that of Abraham and Sarah, which was a polygamous marriage, as was Jacob's later. But Isaac and Rebekah's was monogamous. So I wouldn't feel it was necessary to convert anyone to PM unless they were breaking a commandment to holiness, by marrying an unbeliever or got in a mess over divorce.

    I think one area of concern that I would have is that of a daughter seeking to add herself to a first and only wife family who did not believe in PM. Now just how good is this hypothetical husband actually going to be if he firmly believed he should only have one wife but was considering another? It might work better for a son in a marriage where all accepted polygamy in seeking to convert another wife... I am afraid sometimes men have the advantage.

    As we carry on reading Genesis we get to Dinah who gets herself and everyone else in trouble by mixing with unbelievers Gen 30. Part of being holy is separation, and Godly relationships are better established on scriptural principles first and romantic notions second. I think trying to do things the other way round is very unlikely to lead to the best outcome.
  9. Flutterbug

    Flutterbug New Member Female

    It's been awhile since I asked my above Q. But I Truly Appreciate all of your Responses they were all very Thought out and Helped me have some insight that I actually wasn't expecting ! :)
    My Oldest Son is 25 yrs old and He is Very Very Close to the Bible and his entire life is Dedicated to living it in Absolutely Every Thing he does or Any Situation he Puts him self in.
    I believe that this is the way he will live but only when he has his House in order ( Meaning even in his Soul) and that When he and His First Wife Have there Union and both have there Home in order. That could be from Day 1 I do not know . What I do know is that I will Support Them Both or Many :)
    My Other Adult Kids and my Son in law I am unsure yet how they will decide .
    I do pray however that they are also Guided by God and listen to the Spirit to understand what is the best way for there Life and there Spouces. I think my Daughter would have a Tremendous Struggle with this. However She Will Listen with a Open mind and heart to her Husband . And Talk about this with him. And I will/Would Be Very Attentive with what she may need & Or Her Husband as well. If they Include me in that Conversation if not then I will simply Support it.
    Thank you So Much for Responding to me and So Quickly to !! :)
    Kevin likes this.