What of Romance?

[MrB]

How does romance fit into family with more than one wife?
Obviously the needs of each wife are different depending on experience and situation.
What's fits the needs or wants of one will not always be what the other(s) need or want.

I'm interested to hear from wives and what you wanted vs what you got.
How is it watching your husband with another wife? What helps or doesn't?
And husbands and how they managed to deliver success or failure. What worked or didn't.

Is romance different in polygamy than monogamy?

Any experiences that are relevant to this.

Rich

 

[The Revolting Man]

I'll venture one response, keep in mind I have no practical experience here however. Romance as we think of it as in the western world is a false construct. Obviously we know romance is a biblical concept from the Song of Solomon, Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob and Rachel etc. But, it is never a reason to drive actions. It is a feeling and it is a byproduct of a God pleasing, well managed relationship between self-sacrificial people. At least real romance is.

Now the western view is that romance means that someone is experiencing "fuzzy" feelings because their needs are getting met. This is a very un-Godly view and will always lead to dissatisfaction and unhappiness in any relationship, no matter the kind or make-up.

 

[torahlovesalvation]

I will venture to say that it is a little more than just fuzzy feeling. Today's idea of romance is all about me. Literally. What I feel, I think, I need to feel. What attention I feel I need. What my idea of happiness is. I quickly found that romance is something very different just in my walk with Yah. I remember weeping bitterly as I listened over and over to Misty Edwards, Arms Wide Open. Which asked, what does love look like. Indeed I had many such thought I know's. But indeed that song Sent me on a course that opened my eyes to just how twisted we have things. All this to say if we can have altered ideas of what love is. And Emmanuel is our groom. Then what would romance look like to him. To us with him. How do we give romance to him. And I'm not talking about in the millennial reign or in heaven. I'm talking about literally right here right now. <Food for revelation.> (verses food for thought. Lol)

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[FollowingHim2]

The idea of romance is different for different for different people. If you're all going into this with the Hollywood version of romance then that's not going to last.
Everyone has a love language. There's a book on this called The Five Love Languages, which I haven't read, but I know them all anyway.

Physical touch.
Acts of service.
Gifts.
Quality time.
Words of affirmation.

These are what make a person feel loved. If you have someone who's love language is gifts, and you keep trying to rub their back, then they'll perceive you're not being romantic, when in fact you're trying to be. Since you have less time with each wife in a polygynous marriage, you need to make sure what you do do is tailored correctly. There are plenty of online quizzes and articles to work out what love language you each have, but it's easy enough to just discuss it and work out what you all think about yourselves.
Note that love languages can change over time as our situations change. For example, mine is gifts, but at the moment with 6 kids under 8 I'd rather he helped do the dishes (acts of service) rather than buy me flowers. The other day I went to bed early as I had a very bad headache. I had to get up later in the evening to feed Miriam, and I discovered Samuel had done all of the dinner dishes and tidied everything up so we were ready for sabbath and could relax the next day. Now that's romance! But it's not hollywood romance.

Something else I would suggest is doing a personality test. There's plenty of different ones out there and they give you an idea on how each of you tick and why you act (or react) the way that you do. I've heard of people really liking the flag page one, and Samuel and I are meaning to do it, we just haven't gotten around to it yet. http://www.flagpage.com/